Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 7

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

Hi iwbf, you will have seen my posts on that thread about ex and he has AS symptoms but is nasty and abusive as well. As opposed to DF who was not abusive, but hard enought to live with that DM has lived apart from him for the last 25 years.

His Form E claims that he left full-time work to care for poor little me and the DC, and that I was dysfunctional due to depression and mania! Yes I was depressed (wonder why?), it doesn't mention the two jobs I had, admittedly one only lasted 8 months, the other, though p/t lasted 3 years from 2006-9! Nor the fact that the other 2 people where he worked decided to dismiss him, nor the fact that he claimed to the Tax Credits people to be working 30+ hours. I can't tell whether he believes his own story or not, it's very strange because I have the opportunity in the next piece of paper to be submitted to refute what he says.

Idon'tbelieve How about a variation on "I was angry too, but we don't see eye to eye on this/I don't believe we will achieve anything by discussing it anymore". Sometimes whatever you say doesn't make any difference....
Iwbf.... who knows the answer? But can you live with it anyhoo? It's not your problem, and it takes a lot of energy trying to work out what the problem is. I don't properly understand why mine is the arse he is. What I DO understand is I'm not prepared to do it anymore, whatever the reasons for it are.

IWBF in my opinion whilst, like a diagnosis of Narcissism or BPD, autism may help to explain how your DP started on the road to abuse it does not explain or excuse the way he treats you or your children. people with these syndromes do not always abuse their nearest and dearest...they may be odd, unreachable, closed they do not have to be abusive.

The danger in "diagnosing" him is that you blame his behaviours on the diagnosis and excuse them rather than facing up to them_ and working out how they are affecting you and your DCs and then making a rational decision about the future.

The path you are on is very difficult IWBF. I don't think finding a diagnosis will help you decide whether your DP is reaching acceptable levels as he "trys". In an EA relationship the best we can do is look at the patterns and make our decisions based on the behaviour and it's affect on us.

Much love IWBF. We're rooting for you.

I am back, unbanned.
In timeforme Easter.
Maybe I am Jesus!

Hope you are all ok.

H is off this week. I am stressed beyond belief. I think I may get an ulcer or something.

Mine has gone to a writing workshop today. My ex-husband, still living here, still working from home so he is always here, his collectables still all over the house, no sign that he is packing, it is like Groundhog Day. Stress seems to be lifting a bit though, and not too long till First court Appointment.

The ex has gone on a writing workshop Pink?

Yep. He writes poetry. He came back and went out again. It is so nice to be Home Alone

Is it GOOD poetry or a bit rubbish ?

Sure we know how good his poetry is....

on the subject of delusions...."Gaslight" is on tomorrow Film 4 1.25pm for anyone who wondered how the syndrome got it's name......must be real...it's on telly!

Brilliant film. Well worth watching.

The most recent one, not bad.

The one before, not so much.In it he promises to make rainbows out of rust.

will try watch that! glad to see you here sweep, feel sorry for you having to be around him this week. how are plans coming on?

met the ex today :S it went ok because our mothers were both there and was brief. i feel gutted though. because i've not seen him for so long i thought i was starting to get over him and now i'm not so sure! i feel so sad for everything that has been lost and how it could have been fine.
one little annoyance was that he claims he is in debt..he has not paid a penny in maintenance for our LO but yet he was wearing brand new clothes and trainers (which i know were expensive!)

prick!!!!

sun that would be more than a little annoyance for me. What an arse, not paying for his children, then sporting expensive clothes....Repeat after me, "I do not want this Prize Pick back in my life!" Tis ok to be sad tho, and normal. I feel like this too, but weirdly, it seems possible to hold both opinions at the same time.

thanks fool, parsley and pink I think he does have some issues but like you all say, at the end of the day, is it a life I want to live - not a life I can put up with, but one that I enjoy living, thats happy and fulfilled.

At the moment I think not.

Really working on getting the house sorted and decluttered, my finances sorted and catching up with my work (I fell behind alot due to being distracted) even with the house done I feel like I can think more clearly, sounds a bit daft really but hey ho.

Pink the poetry sounds interesting

I can turn rust into rainbow dust,
I hoard so I dont get bored,
I nit pick because i'm a prick

Iwill I think clearing the house is good. I've just attacked the teenage soup the mess in dd's room, and also the spare wardrobe, which is just full of stuff, much of which should be thrown away really. At least now it is Sorted, and in order, and it feels so much better.

" I really like Rainbow dust
I said this to Pink, but she just cussed...."

Met with XH this morning. (I feel like I should have a ticker like on Netmumz... "3 months post-EA!")

It was weird. He was crying a lot but then started saying that it was ME that was abusive. He said at one point last year that I screamed in his face. I honestly have no recollection of this (and it does NOT sound like me) but I drank so much last year that maybe it was. Then he said he feels like he walks on eggshells around me. He left me wondering if the problem was ME. And he talked about me having anger issues. I am so terrified of him and I never get angry about anything.

Even though I KNOW it is all classic EA and turning stuff around, it has really messed with my head and I've started thinking I'm crazy. Then he also said how I've destroyed his life. Which doesn't make sense if I'm this angry crazy abusive person really, does it?! He's better off without me...

It is all such a head-fuck sometimes. It's EXHAUSTING. :(

I love the idea of these f*wit tossers sensitive souls writing poetry , but, then again, they may be trying to emulate mentors like Byron and Larkin ... to name but a few - so I suppose it follows
bighouse :(, :( and :( at XH. I know just how you feel. I, too, drank an awful lot last year - I am sure you that you can imagine the field day FWH had with that - when he noticed me at all.
Read Lundy again and come and post on here. Oh - for the record - I am abusive and have anger issues, too: Roll Call!
Court hearing today. FWH and I are officially separated. Our legal position now is that the only thing we have in common are the children. Don't know how I feel. The irony is that the court hearing coincided with our 20th wedding anniversary. Not one single doubt, though, and, as has been said here before, I may not know how I feel, but one thing is certain: it is infinitely better than before I took the decision and getting better every day.

Even though I KNOW it is all classic EA and turning stuff around, it has really messed with my head and I've started thinking I'm crazy. Then he also said how I've destroyed his life. Which doesn't make sense if I'm this angry crazy abusive person really, does it?! He's better off without me...

.....we really are married to the same man. Do you think they are cloning them somewhere..

So can someone tell me why I still care what he thinks, why I still expect some sort of great turn around..lightbulb moment when he says yes it was like that, it was me...?? I KNOW he's not going to do this, I KNOW he's going to go out of his way to seem like the victim, I KNOW he's never going to be the man I thought he was...so why am I still such a mess inside??? (the outside looks pretty ok..apparently)

Hi arth more power to your elbow (and fingers!!) may you grow ever stronger!

i've had that turning everything round today as well. I find I care less as time goes on and I know it's him that's controlling and unreasonable , not me, but worried he can make it look like I am being controlling to a court.

There seems to be stuff in Lundy book that says controlling abusive men can do this, although based in USA?

I think abusers are the same the world over....just the accent that changes, USA/UK/everywhere!

If they are cloning them, let us all join in with Lundy in exposing them. Like in the boys from Brazil.
No chance of giving FWH the elbow, Fool; there is no way he would budge.
I am going - that is now in the court records, as is the fact that he is welcome to the house and everything in it. He does, however, have to continue to provide for the children - they are teenagers and need to finish school and get through university - that is in the records, too.
And, yes, as definite as all that sounds, of course, I am also 100% convinced that FWH will see the light and we will live happily ever after.
I am just making sure that nothing I do is based on that assumption - rather it is all based on the assumption that FWH is, indeed, a complete twat.

Well done arthric. It's all on record, as you say.

I know, re "will see the light" if my exh says one reasonable sentence i have to stop myself thinking, oh maybe he is going to be nice in future.

I agree abusers the same the world over fool. I was wondering if British/English courts etc fairer at recognising abusive men than USA.

thanks parsley :) , hope you are good.

fool So can someone tell me why I still care what he thinks, why I still expect some sort of great turn around..lightbulb moment when he says yes it was like that, it was me...?? I KNOW he's not going to do this, I KNOW he's going to go out of his way to seem like the victim, I KNOW he's never going to be the man I thought he was...so why am I still such a mess inside???
this is what i´ve been thinking today too! in fact, i think about it all the time... i wish that maybe just maybe he will realise what he has done and be truely sorry and go and get help and we can be happy again. it aint gonna happen will it?

thebighouse, yup classic abuse! it si so hard to not get drawn and start thinking that you are going mad. but you are aware of his games which shows how much stronger than him u are. it´s like everyone was saying on here yesterday you got to detach!! xx

Just identifying with some of the stuff upthread. Me and NSDH are fairly civil to one another, considering, generally. Have just found out though, that having 'Liked' my business FB page, he has at some recent point 'unliked' it. A small act of spite, but an act of spite none the less. It pales into insignificance compared to dv, ea, gaslighting, all the rest, but it still hurts. Am I suprised he has done this? No. Am I still hurt? Yes, but if I mention it, it will show it has got to me. Anyone who wants to help get my FB likes up, so that 1 crossed off does not matter, please pm me and I'll give you the details! Just typical of how he never supported or valued anything I did really...