Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 7

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

I know what you mean. The man you thought he was...

Wrenner, anyone who says Get back on the ADs and soldier on is NOT a tower of strength. They are somehow invested in your suffering.

By you being kept in this mire, they keep looking good. Kind of White Knight by Proxy.

We don't fall into these abusive relationships by unhappy accident you know! We are prepared and GROOMED for it.

Your DM having MH issues is a HUGE sign that they have actually contributed to your situation. Them saying to medicate yourself and carry on with something that could actually cost you your life is insane.

Get OFF the ADS, Get OUT of the abusive relationship and Stand BACK and observe your family. They are NOT the support you think they are, they look to be the glass ceiling keeping you in your place.

Sorry if this post is coming over too harsh, but I think you would do well to kick this idea about to see if it resonates.

it is tough to detach from your family, it can seem like you're so alone in the world. but i sometimes think, well in a way it wasn't my parents fault either..maybe it was their parents too?

idontbelieveimhere..sorry to read about what has been going on. a loving father would not abuse his kids by abusing their mother. it's disgraceful how he has behaved. and i agree with parsley, the man you thought he was has gone. but the sad thing is, it was probably always just a front and now he can't keep up the act an ymore. sending lots of love to you. are you still with him? xx

Thanks sunrise. He had always been a bit of a Dick over some things but I mostly put that down to different types. Even his dad says to me he doesn't like the way he talks to me and he had no idea how bad it's got. Thing is, he can ne lovely, its a real jekyll Hyde thing, is that normal experience ?
I have always been a confident introvery and don't honestly feel like my confidence has been compromised thank goodness. Had a tough few years really, sn dd and family illness, no support etc. What doesn't kill you males you stronger right.
Still with him, complicated financial situation prevent any immediate action. But my word the line had been crossed. So grateful I can rant here and be understood and understand.
Excuse typos, on phone.

Sunrise, to detach you just need to try and not rise to others' crap, just don't take it on board, observe their behaviour and words, don't take it to heart. I am not explaining it very well. You need to focus on yourself and not the other person. I have a brilliant book from al-anon, which is a support group for the families of alcoholics, it is called Courage to Change, you can get it from amazon, it is useful for anyone trying to detach and focus on themselves. My dp is not an alcoholic, but I use the thinking when dealing with him and it is brilliant. I am just learning though and slip up all the time, the book helps me to remember. When he has driven me mad and I want to react, which only ever leads to him getting totally verbally abusive, I try and read the book and calm myself to keep from getting involved with him. He is the type of man you cannot ever raise an issue with in any way at all...I always lose. I am beginning to see detachment from him and his games and the way he treats people is the only way i can stay any way calm and happy.

Idontbelieve, your DH sounds terrible, sorry he is so cruel. One of my secret names for dp is 'Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde', another is 'princess'. Of course, not to his face! The cycle of abuse my dp is on involves a lot of Jekyll and Hyde behaviour, problem is, for years I thought the Jekyll behaviour was going to last...this time...it never does with my dp

Evening ladies, hope you are all well xx

i dont Hi :) Im sorry to hear your DH is treating you so unkindly - it is tough. You sound very strong, I hope you are able to sort out your finances asap. Jekll and Hyde? I don't think it would be easy to 'punish someone' 100% of the time...he would be exhausted! And you would be more likely to leave. He 'watches' when he's being 'nice' for you to 'misbehave' so he can 'punish' you. (my take on it anyway)

Choosy good to see you :) I very much agree with dealing with as abuser much like as alcoholic or addict - In my view abusive behavior is a defence. It is similar to an alcoholic using alcohol to cope. It follows that the behaviour is a reflection on that person and not you... it helps me very much to detach and not take things personally. It doesn't excuse the behaviour however, they choose to use that behaviour to cope.

Sunrise sorry your ex took so long to get back to you (lazy controlling boy!) I hope you are managing to detach xx

parsley how are things going with divorce plans?

wrenner I know you are having a tough time - wishing you so much strength and support xx

My mother AND my Sister CHOSE to ignore my texts about having a bad day... they would go weeks without contacting me. I was thousands of miles away from civilisation home, not leaving a flat for months at a time sometimes and subjected to crap all day every day. My 'bad day' was just pure misery. They knew this. All I wanted was a Thinking of you, sorry to hear that you are feeling down, chin up etc etc....

When Ex left, they went on holiday to NZ for a month. They'd been planning it for months, it was common knowledge he was leaving. They didn't tell me they were going together until a few weeks before. They both left without saying goodbye. They never did this normally. I was utterly and totally alone having walked out of a 10 year DV relationship.

My mum cut me off totally when Ex left, only coming to talk to me over 6 weeks later and brushed it all under the carpet.

i am lapping up the support they offer now, child care for DS, but when she moves to the SW of the UK where sis lives, that will be IT. I'll not drive so much as a metre in their direction. Never again. Not for ANY reason.

My mum is giving me money, helping me out atm, and I'm letting her. It won't change a thing. As it is, I'm spending hundreds on therapy for the DV and most of the time atm I'm talking about my family's treatment of me, only fitting that I spend their money on recovering from their treatment of me.

They will chuck it in my face i'm sure. I will remind them that they couldn't even bring themselves to spend the cost of an international text to an isolated and abused woman having a bad day, so therefore a tankful of diesel is wasted on them.

i get their supposed mates say to me when are you moving down there too? I say Not in a million years, in front of them. They act all wounded. Do I ffing care? No I don't.

Cutting them out is hard, letting them go is hard, but it has to be done. They are the reason, they CHOSE to perpetuate the abusive treatment. WE aren't doing this to OUR DC are we? WE know it's wrong. We CHOSE to be kind.

Choosy, what a helpful post, I'm going to have detach and don't take it personally as my personal mantras.

Houdini, what a useless mother and sister, I'm so sorry you don't have that support, it makes it hard to fully invest in other friendships I find sometimes when those who should support don't. Like ' what's the point '. Then of course our Hs exacerbate this further, which is great for them.
I feel so stupid, there were so many warning signs but I put them down to quirks or reactions to stress. What a fool. I suppose he does love me, but not like I thought, but it's him not me.

Gah, typed huge post and it got eaten. Will do this in parts, this is the second time its happened..
Choozy my Dad was similar to NSDH. Both abusive and bullying. Took me years to work it out. In counselling learnt we go for what is familiar even if dysfunctional.
Don't think of it as you always 'lose' any discussion. It is like arguing with a toddler. You were never issued with a rule set, and also these change moment by moment. "Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and it annoys the pig".

Sunrise sorry your family are unsupportive, but you are quite right, they are a product of their own upbringing. My parents weren't too good, but in some ways were better than their own parents.
Wrenner sorry about your mother, mine had MH issues also (still does).
Sometimes they do care but they just can't cope.
Houd sorry your family haven't been supportive in the past. Hope the therapy helps.
Bobits hope you are ok? I am arranging to see the sol, get things moving. Worried he is going to try and screw me financially, which will be about the last act of sabotage he can do...

Choozy re the Jekyll & Hyde thing. 'normal' for them I think. If they were foul all the time, it would be easier to leave. They know this, and this is another example of how they can control their behaviour, when it suits. More manipulation.

Idon'tbelieve I meant the Jekyll stuff above post for you, Choozy referred to it later and I have muddled her for the originator...

thank you bobits, choozy& parsley :) i´m seeing the ex for the first time in 2 months this week to pass over DD. dreading it! Wish me luck! xxx

houdini...wow, and i thought my family were dysfunctional! sounds unbelievably tough for you but you sound liek you are very strong and are confident in your decisions, which is brilliant after years of puts downs! xxx

parsley..hope things go well with solicitor. xxx

Keep strong when you meet the ex sunrise, you can really practises that detachment then.

My df is an alcoholic and dealing with dp is very similar, in fact, they are a lot alike in many ways, just the alcohol use is different, so Parsley and Bobits, I agree whileheartedly with you.

Idont, maybe you should try the book I'm talking about, it really helps me: Courage to Change.

Thanks sun. Still waiting for them to ring back...

by the way love your quote about the pig!! think i will copy it out and stick it up as a reminder!!

Sometimes it helps keep me sane(ish)

I love the pig quote too.

Well I just don't listen. Tonight just tried to have a sensible conversation about a parenting issue. I have been talked down to, patronised and unnerved. He talked at me, and if I tried to ' interrupt ' he started his sentence again. I'm so disappointed in this situation. He talks to me like he hates me when I was genuinely and truly being reasonable and not passive aggressive, just presenting some facts in a friendly wife to husband way. It was something I had to talk about. I still disagree with his stance but that doesn't matter does it. I'm so stupid, he is never going to be reasonable again is he ?
Shit shit shit.

trying to have a sensible conversation, yes, I spent years doing that. Hope sprang eternal. I was an idiot. But I felt I had to try.

We are, at least, nice idiots :)

There is going to be fallout from this. Fury sulky face in the morning no doubt, maybe a touch of nasty OR a miracle could happen and he could realise what a twat he was.

And, having pondered, what do I reply with when he no doubt says to me tomorrow something like " I'm still angry about what you said last night ". Sweeties for me if he uses those exact words.

Hi all,
Hope everyone is doing ok.

Just wanted some opinions if anyone has got a min.

For those who dont know me, 20 years in an EA relationship 2 DCs.I have left/asked him to leave on 2 occasions in the last 8 months, both times we have talked and got back together. He says he does love me and continually wants to 'TRY'.

Last night I was messing around on the computer doing different tests etc, I didnt tell him what it was but did an Autism test on H. He came out 'highly likely to have autism' in the test, and 'suffering from mild anxiety' in the anxiety test. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

I have seen the other thread with possible links to EA and Autism but it had mixed responses. I suppose even if he has, it doesnt solve anything becuase he is so difficult to live with anyway, and its up to me to decide if I can live with someone who behaves the way he does. It would explain some things, but when you are Autistic does it really cause you to make someone elses life a misery over housework and constantly keep you on eggshells?

Would love opinions from you wise lot

IWBF xx