Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 7

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

Detach.. I have started to do that.. Make nits of the little things so I actually understand why I get so confused and cant remember why im upset. Reminds me of Chinese water torture.... Drip drip drip.. Until there is a massive hole in your head!!!

My turn, latest one is that I'm selfish with my body. He has needs which aren't being met you know!

Wrenner.... yes it's very useful to look at when you're confused and he minimises, or if you try to tell people they don't get it.

oh, the poor thing veeee! He's so hard done too! Because that's what we are there for isn't it, to serve their needs! Well done to you for being "selfish".

One of the many good things I have found after leaving, is I can go about the house without being grabbed or pestered for sex. And I can go to bed and to sleep in peace. a child might wake me up, but that's different. I won't be made late for work due to his "needs" either.

Very true detach... Explained to a friend last night certain things that have been said but you could tell she didn't get it! Only the women here get it... Yet we are made to feel we have the problem?!

What would we do without the women on here. Wrenner... it really isn't us with the problem. It really isn't six of one half a dozen of the other. I've got to go now but will be back later and look with interest at all the things being said that seem so universal to abused women, when I used to think it was just me... or I used to think, I wasn't being hit so what was I moaning about etc. Women's Aid and some but not all health proffesionals understand. Sometimes various proffesionals do get it, but they seem to be careful not to be directive to us, give us hints maybe, but not enough, (not saying it's their fault) (IME) Or they get it a bit but not fully.

Thanks detach- think that's why I'm wary of ic as couldn't stand to b made to feel I'm being ungrateful/unreasonable/ insane! Felt scared this morning at prospect of leaving.. I love him but he can't be who I need him to be. Learning I deserve more

Hi.

Arth you can be "bitter and twisted" if I can be "insane and controlling!"...oh no sorry Pink you got "mad", vee you carry on being "selfish" it will do both of you good

Yes it is hard to find people who understand...although , when they really understand you don' t have to say much before they get it. Somewhat scarily yesterday bumped into someone I know only vaguely
...she said "How are you"?
I said "fine, but on my own now"
..she said "oh thank goodness for that, he was abusive wasn't he?
I said "yes, who told you?"
..."oh, no-one. I saw him look at you once when you were here."....
I said
..."let me know if I can do anything, Bye"
I was still ..................14 years it took me, she saw him once for 3 SECONDS!!

Hello Aries, I've lurked around here forages, but never been brave enough to post before. Please can I join you, I feel like I am going mad today, I am definitely in an abusive relationship and things have really degenrated since I had dd2 6 months ago, ds1 is nearly 3. Anyway, my dp is verbally and emotionally abusive, says the nastiest cruellest things he can think of, then my reaction is my problem, I am the master of my reaction he tells me, when I am upset by his lates cruelty. I have just come to truly hate him since our daughter was born, when ds was born I put his terrible behaviour down to...an accident, trying to find his way in fatherhood, stress? Second time around I find less excuses for him.
He just scrapes the barrel with the verbal abuse and then expects me to be be bright and breezy with him in front of DCs, and when I can 't hid how I feel about him, based on how he treats me, then I am, of course, the bad parent. He has been violent and of course he manages to twist that around so the he tells me that he, over 6th and 15st, is scared of me. He takes drugs, and even manages to twist that so it is ok, and I am judgemental....oh I could just go on and on... I am having a really bad day, both DCs got colds and are not well and I am mentally and physically exhausted from dealing with this man

Sorry for typos...terrible autocorrect!

Choozy, you need to go to woman's aid. They will help you. Not only is he EA is is violent.

Google woman's aid and call them.

You can gran what you can and they can put you in a refuge.

YOu need to get away from him for your children's sake, as well as yours x

Thanks sweepit. I have an appointment with women's aid coming up and I have been to see them once already in Feb, so I am starting on the road to getting away. He is such an expert at twisting things around and never ever takes responsibility for anything, he can do as he pleases and my reaction is my problem. I am just so fed up

Aw choosy havin poor innocent dcs makes it all worse doesn't it

Hi choozyfloozy - gosh so similar! I also put dh behaviour after dd was born down to loads of things. I didn't expect him to find our newborn twins easy but his behaviour has got worse since they were born. He also twists things and I ended up apologising at the end of a recent conversation for raising things (rough with dts (just 11 weeks) and almost hit me.
I have yet to meet with WA - I spoke to the national line after the above incident but as it is fading it's amazing how you begin to make the weeniest of excuses in your head . When I start to think maybe it wont deteriorate further and he wont ever actually lay a hand to me or dc I remember him grabbing dts and being rough with him and calling him a little fuckwit with venom in his voice cos he wouldn't stop crying then I know we have to split up

veeee that is beyond disgusting, what an idiot!!! i hope you can get away from him soon. xx
hi choozyfloozy it´s crazy how mnay posts i read on here and it could be my abusive w*nker you are talking about! it is so good that you ahve already been to woens aid, i really hope you will be able to start your new life soon. no one deserves to be treated like that and then be made to feel that it´s your fault!

i´m feeling a bit shit today, ex has finally decided to respond to my solicitors letter and after going on 2 months of no contact is requeting to see our LO this weekend!!! arrgh! i of course have said this is too short notice and that because there has been so long without contact (our DC is only 1) that it will definitley need to be for short periods at a time and gradually increased. BUT I am also pretty upset about teh fact that in his letter he states that the police visited him and have NOT issued him with a harrasment warning... like wtf!!!!! he could have been arrested but my stupid heart made me say i didnt want to do that so they said they would warn him and havent done it! no doubt he has talked them round and said i am off my trolley. i want to be rid of him, even though i am not with him he is still impacting and ruining my life. so wish i could run away right now :´(

lots of love to all of you. sorry for the rant...as usual! xxx

foolonthehill , your post made me too! i think on one tof the sites linked at the top of this thread it said something like people who are aware of teh abuse and stan by without saying anything are contributing to the abuse themselves in some ways... what a sad world we live in! xx

Hey lala and wrenner. I have read the Lundy Bancroft book and am reading Susan Forward: men who hate women and women who love them. That is a really good one. Trouble is lala, she says these relationships always deteriorate and I think she is right, any little strain makes such a terrible relationship just explode and having twins or two small DCs is a strain for these men.
I just cannot get over the terrible things he has said to me over the years and the terrible ways he has behaved, now he knows am pissed off big time as I have completely withdrawn from him, he is on his best behaviour most of the time, but it is completely a fake. If I raise any issue at all and it could be as Minor as putting out the rubbish he will twist it round to him not having done it because of something I did...the man is impossible to live with he basically disagrees with every word that comes out of my mouth, yet expects me to respond normally to him so not to upset dcs. I do not want to upset dcs, but i feel like it is all part of his manipulation and control over me. Do not get me started on the rest of his abusive family, his mother is even worse...

choozyfloozy..i tried so many tactics with my ex before i realised how abusive he was. even after we had split i offered him my help! I now know that there is no getting through to these men. no matter what u do they will twist it, as you say. they will make out that we are mad and irrational but its all them. they have to be on top and the only way to do that is by bullying and belittling us. interesting what u say about his family too, they will no doubt back him up and make him feel that he is even more in the right.

Hi sunrise, you are sooooooo right. I find it so hard to keep the momentum up and I think my self esteem and confidence have taken a severe battering over the years I've been with him, so leaving just seems monumental...and then I still have the mad thoughts...is it me? Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

I have also recently realised that the man is never ever ever ever going to leave me...I have spent many hours wishing he'd just meet someone else and get the fuck away from me and my DCs, it is such a cop out I know. But I realise that is just not going to happen. I think it is possible there is an ow or maybe ons. But I think he will never be the one to end this relationship

Choozy my fwit dh upped the ante with his abusive behaviour so that eventually I got him to leave. I think it is so its your fault iuswim. Mine wanted out, had signed up for online dating, but was too cowardly to say so. Any bells ringing?

Yes, they want it to be your fault. So if they leave (IMO they'll only do this if they have another woman victim lined up), they say it's because of lots of terrible things you have done, so they can say it's your fault. If you leave, they say it's your fault as well as they say they haven't done anything wrong.

But you still have to leave and ignore what they say. It's wonderful not to dread the sound of the key in the door any more. Your children will be happier and can have friends round more easily. You don't have the constant cruel insults. You don't have to try to be normal with the children when you're so upset and downtrodden.

There might be the occasional blip when you're upset, (he might still try to control you from the outside sometimes) but for most of the time you and the children are amazingly happier and all is peaceful.

The above is my opinion of what abusive men are like, not all men.

Hi choosy - glad to see you joined us :) xx

It has been a long week. SS have decided that the pasts incidents regarding my son are serious enough to involve the police. It is a relief in some ways that they are taking it serious, though have a long and uncertain time ahead.

I know my ex's actions were wrong but I always have an underlying fear that 'outsiders' (SS,court, etc) won't see the serious threat in him that I do.

I would never want my dd to have unsupervised access with ex ever.

But it just takes one idiot to make the wrong decision & put my baby in harms way.

Oh bobits xxx

Lots of love to you x

Thankyou sweep

I'm still very much cycling through the emotions of abuse.
The SS involving the police was a trigger for me.
It gave me the 'irrational' fear (that an outsider might grant my ex unsupervised access).
In a sense that is the 'emotional control and vulnerability' my ex has over me.
And always will while he is alive and my dd's father. That somehow he will 'hurt' her.

I then feel guilt and shame for putting us in this position.
It is not enough that I saw the abuse, called it, and will continue to call it.
I feel powerless, then I have to re-balance.

I did see the abuse, I did call it and will still continue to call it.
I will not let my ex hurt dd.
I know detachment and disengagement is the advice.
But I will not let any form of controlling behaviour go. I will name and shame every time.