Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 7

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

Bobits, it sounds like you are doing your very best for your ds. I have read your other threads before and I agree with you that just because it is in the pt and not ongoing does not mean the abuse of your ds sohould be forgotten, he remembers it. Good luck

Parsley and detach I think you have hit on something there, yes everything must be my fault, he will not walk away. I also wonder if he feels he will lose face if we separate, or that his ow is not ready? If there is an ow. I know a big thing for him is that I own half the house, yet I am a sahm, he hates with a passion that he'd have to provide for the DCs and he'd have to give me the value of half the house etc. He feels this is 'rinsing' him, his words. Yet, when I ask him what my alternative is, he no longer wants to discuss the matter. Apparently, him and some friends he has spoken to agree that I am mercenary and money grabbing to want to sell the house or allow him to buy me out etc...he is actually mental

Hi all, can I just hi-jack for a bit? NSDH has been told that I think we should just get divorced now, then we can both move on. I worry that he's going to try to screw me financially, since the main equity in the house was mine, but was not 'protected' at the time by the solicitor, who knew the score, but has not done this, and at the time I didn't know it could be done... I don't want what's his, but I don't want to be screwed.

He has a habit of doing things despite consequences. Eg when told if he involved dd again (he had told her about the online dating, she knew nothing about it) there would be serious consequences. So he waited about 10 days then did it again, really upsetting her. So I asked/helped him to move out. There are other examples, but you get my drift. ~ There is something in here, some theme if you will, about 'I'm not being told what to do', almost that it is taken as a dare/challenge, and he has to 'rise' to it, even if the consequences for him are catastrophic. Does this ring any bells with anyone? I am having to resist the urge to say, 'don't try and screw me financially, you will have a hell of a fight, and all our money, yours as well as mine will be used up in legal fees'. Am I just trying to make him into a reasonable human, and this is just not possible, and not likely given past performance? Brain aching here...

Yes parsley, this rings a huge bell with me. My dp will also happily cut his nose off to spite his face. Your instincts are spot on I would imagine. If you think that DH is going to mess up and waste the finance then I bet he is. He'd probably rather it was wasted on a solicitor and legal fees than let you have your fair share?

I have been in similar situations with my dp, when dd was a newborn he was particularly bad, he attacked me physically and then threatened to call the poise on me when I defended myself, I called the police instead and he had to leave. Stupidly I did not press charges, I hawed him speaking to police and he just sounded so so reasonable etc etc

He then engineered an incident a week later, picked a fight with me, ran upstairs, a while later I went up to bed and tried to door to the spare room where he was, I should have left it. He was waiting in the other side of it, he allowed me to open the door a bit then pushed it shut, I tried again to open it I wanted to talk I put my arm in the door, he slammed it shut on my forearm, i am surprised it didn't break. He then called the police on me! I went to bed and when the police arrived they actually made him leave for the night. Then my hv got in touch as we had two police call outs, she said another would trigger ss. Stupidly again, I told dp he better stop this behaviour now as the path he was on was self destruct, I pointed out where he was heading, clearly it'd be him having to leave not me and two DCs! I wish now I'd just let him do his worst. But I see exactly what you mean parsley, self destruct, cutting off nose to spite face....

To this day dp tells me that as I was trying to open the door it was perfectly acceptable to shut it on my arm, I don't agree. But he sure sounds like I'm made to think what he did was wrong. I had a huge painful bruise, and when I saw the hv she opened a file on it all...whatever that means...I see her once a month now with dd and she is pleasant but no help to me, I'm hoping women's aid can help me clear the clouds.
Maybe you should go and see a solicitor parsley to tLk through your options too

I've already had some legal advice, but need to go back soon to get things moving. Choozy fwit husband said recently, in front of his DM that it was perfectly acceptable to assault me as I had his car keys. I think they actually believe it when they're saying it, sadly.

Bobits, choosy and Parsley. Lots of bells ringing here!

I want to disengage but when it comes to my dcs being harmed I can't just ignore.

Engineering arguments. Then twisting things to make me seem bad. Then using that I am argumentative to justify his actions.

Doing things or threatening to do things despite consequences for him. (I don't even know if he thinks of the consequences, as he is so sure he is right and so determined he won't be 'told what to do')

His friends agree (apparantly, according to him) that I am money grabbing.
Him not wanting to support his own children.

All so similar.

It's hard to know what to advise, except Women's Aid understand and help, plus a good solicitor, preferably who understands the ways of abusive men like that. Although the law as it stands protects us and doesn't see it as money grabbing.

Hello, been reading these threads for a while and just answered yes to all questions on link 1 OP.
Thanks for this thread. I am not going nuts. I am gutted tho.
Escalated since dc2, 10months, really getting bonkers and very nasty. No verbal restraint in front of kids. Shit. Hugs please wise women.l

Welcome idbih, and a [hug]! It took me a long, long time to realise (had diagnosed mh condition which took the blame - but no, much of mh was the result)

Just a quick update from me - have been suffering from exhaustion due to 6 months stress, ex still here, and having to work on the financials for our court hearing on 25th April. Today I am girding my loins to get to grips with stuff, and hopefully this will improve things.

Have reconnected with a couple of old friends via fb. I have been checking for one of them on and off for a while, turns out she only joined fb last autumn, I wasn't on then, but she found then STBX, put in a friend request, he accepted, but didn't tell me! (He didn't communicate with her after accepting request, either) Other friend I found was fb friend of hers, as her fb name is in Greek alphabet I wouldn't have found her otherwise.

Need to rant!!! my mum is meant to b supportive and is in many ways and knows I'm unhappy. Told me to come up to hers whenever but just spoke too her and she was put out I'm coming a day earlier and told me they had things to do. Also when I said my partner wasn't coming she was put out too. Clearly thinks I'm over acting and should just get on with it, makes me It's taken me ages to get the balls to say how I feel and now just feels like I should shut up and put up?!

People don't get it unless they have been there - even mothers. Mine has always tended to minimise things anyway, due to her upbringing with an unpredictable mother of her own.

Sounds like she thought it was something that might blow over !

Hi all; Welcome idbih and :( you need to be here.
:( you are feeling exhausted, Pink One goal, one day at a time.

Pink very tru I feel I love him but not in love, don't think he can change enough. Feel love has been worn away?! Scared he will change and I feel the same. My family keep telling me to go back on anti depressants?!

Wrenner, I think they kill any love you have for them,sadly.

wrenner your family are the reason you have learned to put up with him! They have conditioned you to expect no better. You will need to detach from them too as they are part of the cause of your problems!
Read the Bill of rights at the top again. You deserve to be treated well.

I could never detach as they are a massive source of strength but I just don't think they get it?!

Also my mum has issues with mental health.. Think it's a case of "soldier on" rather than understanding it. Have tried to explain but it's difficult and don't want to completely dump on them.

I don't mean physically detach but more a matter of standing back and listening to them and see if you can hear the message "this is all you deserve" "you shouldnt expect so much" or whatever it is.

"Nice girls don't make a fuss"
"good wives put themselves last"
"men are more important than women"

These are all strong themes in my family. Along with "marriage is for life" and many more.

wrenner, I was going to post something quite similar yesterday weirdly. I was too pissed off though. Im living with my parents at the moment and yesterday they had a massive go at me for putting strain on them. My mum said she doesn't want to hear about abusive ex anymore... What others have said on here is true. As a child I had a bad relationship with my parents who still go on about it now. My mum never praised me and everything I did was wrong and even now she points out all the errors in any plans that I have. It took ages for them to realise I was right to leave my ex, she said I had to make things work for my daughter etc but it took police involvement to see how bad things were. You do have to step back and try not to listen to family sometimes they are often rhetorical reason we are in abusive relationships. xx

rhetorical reason lol! Stupid predictive text! The reason!!

Sunrise and Werner, little house's advice is very good, detach. I am trying to do that with dp, but it is really hard. I just try to not take on board anything he says, just observe it, but don't absorb it or give it to much credence, just 'oh here you go again...' type of reaction, in my head of course. It is exhausting dealing with these peole.

I agree that the upbringing prepares you for this stuff, my dm is fantastic, but her relationship with my df and my df's treatment of me is what led me to where I am today. Even though I had thought I'd done a great job of avoiding the type my df was, my dp is very different in many ways, but his abuse is so similar...

And parsley, they take love and they stamp it till it's dead!

Wrenner, sorry for typo on your name, is this predictive text!

I have to bide my time, while I decide what to do long term, what should I do when he starts, walk off ? I have tried to be rational with him which obviously fails, I thought it maybe was my failing but see from these threads it is pointless trying to be rational with an irrational person, right ? He says such utterly bizarre stuff for such an intelligent bloke. He had always had an object of loathing and derision in his life and it is now my turn apparently.

Meant to add that yesterday when he called me a stupid fat bitch and other stuff while I was holding my ( then very upset ) eldest dd brought things to a head in my mind. Not 1st example of this however. I'll give him the fat, but jeeez.

No excuse for it though Idontbelive. I got rid of 12 stone of ugly fat the day he left..

Oh I know, I'm just gobsmacked he has gone ' nuts ' in front of the kids, it floors me, truly. How can someone do that when they ( apparently ) love being a dad ? I feel like someone has died in the last few months.