Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 7

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

Do you know what?

Oh e scales have fallen away btw so I am NOT defending him at all.

I can't believe he knows what he's doing to me/us.

I know it's not just ea, it's hard to write the way we speak isn't it!

I can't believe he knows what he's doing to me/us.

In a sense he doesn't "know" what he's doing, Sweep, because lacking the empathy module most humans has, he is unable (or rather unwilling, because of the shame it would cause him) to put himself in your shoes and accept that he is causing you pain. He doesn't know, because he doesn't want to know. Shame is psychological death for abusers : they avoid feeling it through denial, blame, and projection. But look at it this way: they wouldn't put so much effort into protecting themselves from shame about their own actions if they didn't know, deep down where they've buried it, that what they are doing is wrong.

They know. They just can't stand the knowledge so they've buried it.

They know. They just can't stand the knowledge so they've buried it.
Not sure they have even buried it. They know full well that their behaviour is wrong, but they are so far up their own arses that they are too afraid to come out and face the consequences.
This is why it is no good pointing out the fact that their actions and words are violent and, therefore, unacceptable. They already know that; pointing just makes it worse.
It is also why they will never shock themselves into looking at their behaviour; the worse it gets the less likely they are to want to look at it.

He ha an answer for everything which. Is why I've given up even challenging him.
You kow though, he knows to say the right this sometimes, like tanking me for making his dinner and telling me that he appreciates me. He tells me that he's being nice to me. That's not right though is it. He's supposed to be niceto me!

You got it sweep

I have been working on my Form E and am seeing sol today. I am so weary though, almost to the point of exhaustion (smoking twice as much as usual doesn't help), and so sick of living in the same house.

Hi y'all...see lots of progress up-thread .

Sorry but i have lost my link to the "Bill of Rights"...(doing some housekeeping on the EA opening thread as we are approaching half-way) obsessional, who, me????

anyway...does anyone have the link?? Or any good link for financial abuse that is not above as the welsh WA one is no longer there.

Which bill of rights are you talking about, Fool?
How about this for financial abuse?
www.lovemoney.com/news/debt/debt/14905/why-financial-abuse-is-domestic-violence

Thanks Arth for directing me here. Feeling v. lonely at the moment and it really helps to hear you all.

My main problem is:

silence.

IN his silence he keeps information, secrets, his thoughts. His silence hid a 2 year affair conducted in our house where OW was f ed in my bed, looked through my cupboards, admired my kids photos, spent nights on my side, was there when I rang to say hello. When I came back home, he would break up w her, and then resume it. There was no evidence whatsoever, even tho I looked. He said his behaviour was because I am a bad wife, and that he was depressed. I thought I was going crazy, it was a RELIEF when I finally found her. He says he has changed but I still get the: silence

I try and reach him and:

get blocked, deflected, bogged down in fact disputing, blamed, manipulated.

I react v emotionally which proves:

I cause it, I abuse him and I am crazy. He is now the hurt one, who has been attacked.

I stil doubt WTF is going on. Both our ICs say I am part of the problem. But I am not aggressive around anyone else! I am a happy, normal, friendly person. I think. ???

Is this abusive?

Hell yes wobbly. It's abusive love.

Sexual abuse (affair)
Psychological anuse (stonewalling/silence - one of the worst kinds of abuse there is actually.
Gas lighting (telling you you are crazy, imagining things when clearly you are not)

What is an IC? Why are they blaming you?

Read WHY DOES HE DO THAT by Lundy Bancroft and THEN tell us if you think what he's doing is normal...

You are no longer alone love. You no longer have to live in silence. We are here. We hear you and we will be here for you whenever you need us to be.

Yes, undoubtedly. 'He says his behaviour was because I am a bad wife.' Condemned out of his own mouth.

I know the silence thing, but am going to have a nap!

fool the Bill of Rights is on this thread on Sun 18th March at 1425

veee my FWH didn't ever hit me, in fact I lashed out at him a couple of times after he had goaded me to fury, so he could truthfully claim I was abusive and he was the victim.
We had been together so long (28 years) that all he had to do was look at me and I knew before he said it what he was about to say. Then when I exploded in hurt rage he would just point out he hadn't said anything. Grrrrr!!

The only way I could sort out whether I was a mad abusive loon or not was by leaving him and going away to a calm quiet place to wait and see. And here we are 18 months on and I haven't lost my temper with anybody at all and am calm and kind and cheerful.
Funny that!

I think it was a muddle of projection, abusive behaviour and gaslighting which almost completely destroyed me. But I still can't explain it to anyone in real life except my best mate. She is a Northern lass and she just says "He's a knob!!

littlehouse I get that rage too. He says I'm always miserable whereas everyone who knows me away from him always comment on how happy and chilled out I am!

" in fact I lashed out at him a couple of times after he had goaded me to fury, so he could truthfully claim I was abusive and he was the victim.
We had been together so long (28 years) that all he had to do was look at me and I knew before he said it what he was about to say. Then when I exploded in hurt rage "

I AM NOT ALONE!!!! Hahahahahahahehehehe Inspector Dreyfus giggling and twitching

That does not make his claim true. You hit him, but you were not abusive.

I've been in many a similar induced rage :) - trouble is, I have a mh diagnosis, so of course it had to be all down to me, didn't it.

pinkbet your MH is a lot better when he's not there!!!!!

Fingers...perfect!!! I knew someone would have a great link

littlehouse knew I'd seen it recently....duh!

I've done my housekeeping so will now get back to the thread proper!

(PS. Deflecting from bad stuff occurring with other activities, moi????????)

It already has, fool, stressed but not depressed, that's me (though it was creeping up till saw sol today)

MH issues ... mmm ... FWH was threatening to have me sectioned... Funny how the further I travel down the road to freedom the better I feel. :) Yes, for the first time in my 50 odd years, I am taking ADs - I was in no state for the kids to see - but I am no longer confused because no-one is f*ing with my head.
How is everyone? What stage are we all at?

NSDH sent me an email (?by mistake??) last night, nasty, nasty, nasty...threatening suicide, blaming everyone else but himself, especially documenting my abuse of him . Full of poison...spilling out all over everywhere. This is the man I am married to.....for 14 years....he is a stranger, a liar and a manipulating twat.

He's still refusing to communicate with my lawyer.......of course.

fool that was no mistake. His motives are unclear but he intended you to read his poison. The best response is to ignore and say nothing. You are not part of this game any more. If he wants a new "drama triangle" he will have to find a new persecutor and/or a new rescuer. You have moved on and are no longer interested. You have far more important things to do with your time and energy.

Hope you are OK. He will be!

Oh and to all of you who acknowledged my rant thank you. It is hugely comforting to know I am not the only one who has been bent out of shape by a clever manipulative damaged man.

fool I always advise people to report suicide threats to the police (if they feel up to it) even if they think it is manipulative. It is really for the police to judge that, and if there is slightest risk he may act it should be responded to. Even a manipulative act not intended to result in death can go wrong.

Police do not say who reported it, though ex would guess I imagine.

If it is manipulation, they tend not to repeat it if the police call to check they are OK.

Am cold and ambivalent. Oh. Whatever

Er...according to who? your abuser?

Yup!
All because I didn't react when. He slagged of my best friend. Best ffriend has had a shit life and is also bipolar. He called her a nutter. I refused to react. In the past I would have. I know she's not a nutter so I am not going to react to him.

IC = individual counsellor [therapist]. Qualled up to the wazoo, but I was expecting more support from him.

Oh Fool :( . Agree with Pink; get the email out there. There is no way you should be dealing with that kind of shit on your own.