Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 7

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

If you left, how did you do it?
Did you tell your dps that you were off?

How did they react when they found out that you'd left.

ATM I am thinking that the only way I could leave would be in the day and leave a note here for his to find when he got home from work. And to leave on a Friday so he has 2 days weekend to think etc...

If you left, how did you do it?
Did you tell your dps that you were off?

He left to "give me space". I told him it was over in a final couples' therapy session (therapist had been forewarned). He wouldn't accept my statement that it was over. I changed the locks, and when he inevitably came over anyway, called the police. He left me alone after that.

How did they react when they found out that you'd left.

With denial. Sweep, their reaction is their own, and nothing you can control. There is no "strategy" to guarantee meek acceptance of the split by an abuser. However you do it, whatever you say, they will react with any or all of blame, denial, rage, or martyrdom. NONE of that is your concern, or within your power to control.

ATM I am thinking that the only way I could leave would be in the day and leave a note here for his to find when he got home from work. And to leave on a Friday so he has 2 days weekend to think etc...

Leave that way if it's your plan. But again: you cannot plan your husband's actions; only your own. However he reacts to your leaving is down to him. You don't need to try and figure it out ahead of time - you can't.

I planned for a couple of months...got some things sorted. Arranged playdates for the DCs, arranged a (large male) acquaintance to come over and be in the house and told NSDH I wanted him to leave, straight away because..... (highlights only)....listened to 2 hours of drivel with metaphorical fingers in my ears as he accused me of everything under the sun. he then said he was leaving...to "sort himself out" (see his choice )/ I would have left if he hadn't gone. As he went I handed him a letter which told him what I had said and why i had asked him to go...so I could never have my mind changed or my memory altered by his version of events

I then told SS who had known of his abuse to DCs, told WA (yes wrong order....what can i say...I just never got through!!!), told police DV team who assessed him as moderate to high risk and told me to change the locks (which I did).

Since then he has cycled thru' mr nice and mr nasty many times,( I have been mad, I have been bad, he has been depressed, he has been abused, ...blah, blah) we started with frequent contact with DCs now he has only indirect (full story iin dribs and drabs on thread 6)

I am a different person now, (4 months on) the DCs are different, happy, free, safe. They are also sad, they miss the idea of Daddy, the nice one, the one who didn't shout, scream and belittle...but they also know that they are all better.

I will never believe how long it took me to see him for what he is...now I cannot believe how long I stayed...but at least my DCs will have the rest of their childhood safe and free of abuse. And so will I.

Make a plan that is safe for you...do it fast and do it decisively, don't look back, look forward to a new life for all of you.

we agreed that he would go stay at his mums for a week and i think that was what he thought would happen so that we could have some space. but i knew it would be longer. then while we were having time a part and him visiting dc he verbally and physically assaulted me so i came to live with my parents. the police involvment and solicitors really helped. don´t do it alone get support around you. womens aid and your local shelter can also help get you out of there. i think leaving with all your documents while he is out is a good idea. you don´t have to leave him amessage, you could get your solicitor to do that but if u think u should i wouldn´t give too much away. just a note to say you need some time part. stay strong you are doing so well! xx

Signed everything yesterday afternoon. The lawyer's appointment was the day after FWH said that my behaviour was as bad as when he called be a fuing whore in front of the kids.
FWH had no examples of my 'bad' behaviour, but was convinced that I was in the middle of a breakdown .
I will be out of this relationship just after Easter, but f knows in what state I will be.
The only thing that is keeping me going is the thought that, thanks to the wonderful women on MN, I really can't see what else I can do. Yes, I sucked it and saw, and yes, you can guess - my life sucked. Do I want that life for the 20 or so years I have got left? :(

i kow i have said quite a few times that the police have been good and they have BUT i recieved a phone call today from an officer who said they have not been able to speak to him!! they have called at his motehrs address and he is never in the assault was nearly a month a go now. i´m worried as my solicitor wrote to him straight after and said ´we are aware that the police have spoken to you about the incident´ so i´ve basically tipped him off and seems like he´s done a runner as have heard nothing off him since!!! argggh! what to do!

please please don´t let this put you off sweep because the solicitor alone has freed me of him. i just feel frustrated as they wanted to arrest him which i declined and so instead were going to speak to him about harrassment but now he´s got away with it.

arthriticfingers it must be really hard but try see it as a new chapter of your life where you are free to be you! these idiots always seem to think that we are the mad ones. xx

Thanks for replying sunrise. I can only pass on the excellent advice I hear on this thread: get a SHL (shorthand for a Shit Hot Lawyer) principles about what happened in the past do not matter. What matters is ensuring a safe future life for yourself and your children.

Fingers, you will be OH so strong by Easter. Promise! You have US now! How can you be anything but FABULOUS!

Thanks for all your replies.

Arthritic fingers, keep on going x

Sunrise, how annoying x (to say the least!)

Have you all had physical abuse too?

I've been writing all of the ea incidents down but it's making me feel even more stupid when I read them back

veeee, all the ea incidents add up to make a picture.

You have written some on this thread. Could you use them as well?

IMO, Include all of it if you can(not sure if it's mn etiquette to repeat ones I have noticed, I could put a couple if that's ok with you/remind you)

Didn't you say a friend was appalled at things you said had been said to you, while you laughed things off? So they are are valid ea incidents in the eyes of another person IYSWiM.

Is this for unreasonable behaviour? You don't have to prove ea, it's things that you find unreasonable to live with. Try adding 'repeatedly' or 'continually' to give a truer idea?

Veeeee mine is just ea.
I felt a bit weird writing it all down so I stopped.

Not just for unreasonable behaviour but because later he always twists things and says he didn't say or do something. Before I found you lot I just accepted that he was probably right so I've been writing it down as it happens. Ironically it means we are arguing less because I know he did say/do whatever so I don't feel the need to justify it iyswim?

Yesterday there were so many I didn't record them, in addition my period arrived and it is really heavy and painful so I thought everything probably was my fault yesterday for being grumpy!

You being grumpy does not equal the right to be hit with EA.....when they turn it round so it "didn't happen" or didn't happen "that way" it's called gaslighting...another well documented abusive behaviour....

we all felt mad because they said (say) we are......but what you see is real.

For what it's worth some of my EA incidents look because it's the way they say things.....mine used the word "woman" which is not really offensive usually.....but the twisted look of hate on his face gave it an added dimension not taken into account in the written word!

for those of you who are tempted to say it's "just" EA and feel a bit fraudulant talking about abuse....don't...it's as real as a punch in the face...just invisible.

And really you need to be taken seriously and to take yourself seriously.....imagine watching your life from outside...what would you think if it were happening to your sister/brother/friend?

I don't know why because the more I read the more I know it is ea but I'm trying to defend his actions to myself.

...I still do this...then he does something even more outrageous and I am at myself for half believing the lies he pedals....

will I never learn???

veeeee,you are defending his actions because he has control over you. he makes exuses for his unacceptable behaviour. you said it yourself, you know it is ea. don´t let him rule you any longer. listen to your heart.

I think things are getting more difficult here because of dd. She is 5 months old and both she and I get bored being at home so I've started taking her places - we went to a farm this week, we go to lunch on a Thursday. He keeps telling me it's stupid to do these things because she doesn't know what's going on. That's not true is it? I don't even know why I'm asking because I know it isn't! He just hates me doing anything that I might find enjoyable with her, why is that? I thought he would be different as a father.

you are being a good mother and letting your child experience the world. this is crazy, why on earth should you have to be stuck in the house?? you are also looking after your own sanity by getting out and about which then means you can look after DD better. i am so glad that you know what a load of crap that is! I also feel sad for you as I know it must hurt so much to realise the man you thought he was has turned out to be different. a good father would be so proud of you for doing these things with their child!

Thank you kind women and, yes, let's shout the word, Fool for being here. The difference between mental and physical abuse becomes non-existent if you judge these behaviours by their effects.
Do you feel intimidated? Do you feel degraded and confused? Do you stop going out? Do you stop laughing? Do you stop looking in the mirror because you can no longer relate to the person you see there?
If so, it doesn't matter a jot if you have been insulted or pushed about. It has to stop.

veeeee they get worse as the DC(s) get older and consume more of us and become their own people...abuse nearly always escalates after children, it sometimes doesn't even surface till then.

Yay Fingers! freedom beckons...