Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 7

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

wow, as if a1b2 ! it amazes me how these once ´loving fathers´don´t seem to be fighting very hard to see their children!
The thing is I have been very accomadating and am jsut asking him when would best suit him to see her!
with your ex ignoring letters , did that work against him with regards to seeing your kids?
p.s. i know, depsite everything i really expected he would want to see her or at least send a text! it was her first birthday.

On a positive note, ex visited dd today.
He had been on holiday for a week. When beginning to tell me about it, I stopped him to remind him as he is an abusive bully - what he does in his personal life is of no interest to me and what I do in mine is none of his business.
He brought a gift for dd and ds1 (not his). I gave him back the gift for ds1. Explained that although he meant well, because he didn't even get ds1 a card for his b.day a few weeks ago, presents for his ex step-son were not wanted if they were inconsistent and only when it suited him and not when it mattered to ds1.
Incidentally, I asked why ds1 didn't get a card...he explained 'we were fighting' (i stood up for myself) - I told him that wasn't ds1's fault.

All silly little things, I know.
It all adds up (subtly) much like abuse does in the first place.
I feel I am no longer afraid,
I wall not be nasty or unkind,
But I will shame him everytime he behaves badly
And will never let him forget the consequences of his actions
by reminding him everytime he forgets.

I've sent short and to the point text. Not wasting any more time and thought on his text.

But would still like to post here for support. Thank you everyone

bobits you are so strong to stand up to him like that! go you!

Bobits TOO fucking right!

My Ex sang Happy Birthday to his son last year, in Egyptian. DS was 6.

I said to him how sad I thought it was that even though I lived in that hell pit for 3 solid ffing years that NOT ONCE did I hear anyone sing a song for a birthday that was no to the same tune as ours.

Moreover that it was the first time that Ex had sung Happy Birthday in any ffing language to his son, and indeed the fact that he was even bothering to call, and not ff off up to his no-mark mates for 24 hours without even a call to his boy, or as he'd done when we lived there, just sat glowering and scowling in the kitchen, moaning and refusing to participate in anything at all out of sick and saddo jealousy for his child...

In the end I had that MoFo crying. he has NEVER come out with any BS to me since.

I won't let him off for a nano-second of what he did to me, he knows it. he has kind of admitted defeat. it can be done. ATM he's being all nice, so that I will think kindly of him.

Call the MoFos out on every single thing. Use the shitty insults, put downs and quips they used on us against them. i swear, there is no finer attack than the attack that they themselves created used against them.

Once you deliver a few of their choice lines back at them, you can almost feel your foot on their chest, with your flag unfurled and your arm raised in victory....

My GOD it feels good!

You are getting your power back, you are reclaiming yourself! Keep right on love!

a1b2 do carry on posting - and you are giving support as well as receiving it, remember

Thanks you pink. I was happy with short to the point revison of draft 2 text in the end.

Not had a reply. He will be plotting. I will ignore if he phones or texts i think.

yes hope snoop out celebrating.

Woke with a start at 5.45. I'm trying to detatch but i'm frightened.

I know I've made the right decision in the circumstances, but I so wish they could have a fun holiday with him.

I feel sorry for him, but I have to think about their safety.

And my peace of mind. What's wrong with that?

pink It looks bigger than a sccoby doo van, but not sure how much bigger btw. (for the future if he gets seatbelts.)

sun I think re little babies if there's no contact for ages it's best to introduce contact gradually to minimise upset but probably better to get expert advice on that.

what am I saying re feel sorry for him!

he won't be sad, he'll be angry.

It's OK to feel sorry for him, even though he'll be angry, not sad That's one reason to feel sorry for him, in fact. Do not worry if you can help it - you have the EA army behind you for helping deal with his next move.

Hi people, thanks for all replies and support particularly Houdini's wise words.

Guess what?

Still waiting...............

Yes pink, whoever thought of having a general abuse support thread, I am very thankful to.

It's just such a relief there will probably always be one of the lovely, kind, team around. If not straight away, sometime soon.

Women's aid are brilliant but not always possible to get through and I always think, what if someone in imminent danger is trying to get through while I'm wittering away. Although I have called them before and will again if needed.

And only one of my friends (of friends I've got left, not saying I'm Mrs popular or ever was), really gets it about abusive men and how to deal with them.

It was surprising though I would say to anyone thinking of getting away, how supportive people were, who I barely knew but who, surprisingly, had observed me and his behaviour. If you tell selected people things they can be very helpful.

thanks a1b2, you're right I would want contact to be for like an hour at most then gradually increase it. The longer he leaves it though the harder and more complex it will be because will require more solicitors letters etc. Hope you are feeling a bit better. x

Those of you who have left, how did you find the strength?
What about practical things.
Also proof. I mean ea is not very easy to prove is it.

Hi Bobits! It's funny I was just thinking to trust myself and then you said the same.

sun hello again. You've done your bit sending him a letter encouraging contact. So best to IMO, ok, acknowledge still waiting, but try not to let him occupy your thoughts all the time. I'm not saying you do let that happen btw. Don't let the selfish nasty piece of work stop you enjoying time with your baby.

I'm giving advice I should take myself, as I have to fight to get his latest stuff out of my head. And turn attention to dcs.

Those of you who have left, how did you find the strength?

I realised that while I hadn't been willing to protect myself from his abuse, there was no way I was going to raise children in an abusive household because of the damage it might do them.

What about practical things.

There's always a solution, if you're really looking for one.

Also proof. I mean ea is not very easy to prove is it.

You don't need proof. Feeling shit in a relationship is reason enough for you not to want to be in it anymore. Your own feelings count, and are enough. You don't need global endorsement for wanting to leave (although you will get it from all the good people in your life), and you will never get him to agree that it's his shit behaviour that drove you to it, so there's no point trying to get him to see that.

Hi sweepit - Glad you have foud here :)

For me with regards to strength, you have a fear of leaving (for many personal reasons to your situation).
What gave me strength was to visualise the fear of staying (Again for reasons personal to the induvidual).

E.g When I found my ex to be using live webcam sites at 7 1/2 months pg - I was upset, he got cross, he blamed me for having a baby bump & sex being ackward.
This told me he was angry for defying him, and justified because he was entitled.

sun that didn't come out quite right, not suggesting you don't pay attention to dc. And it's helpful to think about future and what to do about things and talk on here about how we are feeling.

I have no strength I am just waiting for it to get better

Sweep was hoping you'd get here.

The strength to leave hit grew on me as I realised what was going on, and how it was harming my DCs...I had to get him gone...realisation, 3 months planning, out.

who cares about proof for other people? you know...you know and anyone who has any inkling of EA will recognise what you are saying straight away.

Agree with a1b2...recognition and support can come from surprising places.

Practical things...well ask away, we've got a wealth of stories...ask away!

Post too soon!

The reality of my future was a trip to the gum clinic every 6 months because I could not trust my ex.
That gave me a fear of staying.

The more you detach (although not easy and painful) you can see the facts.
For me that started the wanting to change and in that time watch his behaviour closely, you will gain all the evidence you will need :)

Thanks all. I have run out of anti bac wipes. I will have to clean the loo with a cloth. Now there's a problem

...This has always give me alot of support - especially through the bad times, steadfast and trust yourself - hope it helps xx

IF
IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
Rudyard Kipling

That's a very inspiring poem bobits. I'd like a fridge magnet saying "Trust Yourself" to remind me all the time and put the poem somewhere to see frequently.