Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 7

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

And house yes it is muddled manipulative nonsense, and he comes out with stuff to punish the children and make them resent me frequently.

Just seen lots of posts. Thank you everyone! I'll have a look and answer.

What is it about some men and DC drinking milk? This is not the first time I have encountered this. How are they going to make the bones for their ado growth spurt without enough calcium?

i think milk in particular with WRT to the eldest child not being his and all that, really is down to the primeval level of not wanting the child to thrive. Sorry, but that is what my instincts tell me.

they don't want the kids growing up strong... as it would threaten them...

Yes he saw eldest as threat. And I think he also favours the girls of the others. (seeing boys as threat to them?)

My biggest regret is taking my lovely, innocent, kind hearted eldest into this man's home, giving up our home to do that, getting trapped and not realising and then not leaving sooner.

Luckily eldest dc did grow up big and strong and kind and motivated, well educated etc.

But the child contact arrangements have effected how much I can see and what I can do with eldest dc (in another town now).

pink, I like your MA standard improvements to my text.

Hou, yours contains more information, and a possible solution for him, wonder if I could include that as well pink. But then again, it does need to not get too long.

pink I'm sorry about your friend with camper van. (and sorry didn't say before). How is your friend now?

littlehouse That's right he thinks normal rules don't apply to him.

That includes whether I have to give permission for him to do things with/have dcs. I know they are his dcs too, but as I understand, the parent with residency can say no to things, like this holiday, with a good reason.

He also thinks that the British law is unfair to men with regards to divorce and settlements and child maintenance.

He has said, women choose to have children (even when the man plans and wants children with woman).

Therefore, according to him, after divorce, seperation etc, it should be the woman's responsibility to provide for those children.

And when together it he thinks, cost of childcare, time as SAHP leading to lower earnings, etc is no excuse for the woman not to provide equal actual amounts of money.

(sadly I've seen in 'relationships' boards, where women save up to provide for their maternity leave etc. so man doesn't have to provide anything and woman can pay her way)

Soon time for snoop to do the final settlement and make a fresh start. Good luck snoop. Remember what the wise poster said, detatch.

Just checking a1b2 you do know that is all bollocks don't you? Of course an entitled man would conveniently assume children are not his financial responsibility but saying it don't make it so.
How did you counter this ludicrous argument?
Did he believe it was such a privilege for you to bear his children that you should pay the costs as well?
Why would anyone stay with a man who spouted this sort of nonsense?
Arrgh... You have done well to get away from him. Now stand back and marvel at his delusions!!

Oh little he didn't actually come out with those things about women should pay the cost until after we seperated.

Although he must have thought them, and his actions showed that, which, as well as other reasons, is why I left.

I can't remember how I countered that ludicrous argument as it was one of those twisted arguments where I was so confused and distressed I came away from it in an incoherent heap.

I do vauegly remember being absolutely so shocked that even he, with what he had said before, would say that, that I was kind of opening and shutting my mouth with nothing coming out iyswim.

vaguely

Oh the Spaghetti head mess - it is such a defining marker of living with an abusive man! You sound intelligent, rational and totally sane, as am I, but these men can reduce us to lunatic tearfulness and make us seem like we are the irrational ones.

The answer is definitely in detaching. Watch him like an anthropologist would. See him exhibit his behaviour straight from the links above and marvel that anyone can be so deluded. Do not get sucked in again. Refuse to discuss. Defer decisions "till I have had time to think about it". It gets easier with practice!

Aw, bless; you couldn't make these fuckwits poor misunderstood souls up if you tried.

FWH had long fit yesterday which, among other things, involved calling me a f*ing whore in front of the kids. FWH has just come home as if nothing has happened .

Hi all. Hope all went ok today snoop

a1b2 how you doing with your message? Some good suggestions on here.

arthriticfingers that's horrible, especially in front of the DC.

I've been feeling really poorly and run down today - feels like got the flu. I've been so ill over the last few months since NSDH left, it's getting ridiculous. Just feel so worn down and tired all the time.

Got back out the Lundy book as think will do me good to have another read.

hi everyone thanks for being so welcoming :)
sorry that you are having such a rubbish time of it a1b2 , sounds like a right headache. you´ve got lots of good advice on here but just remember to stay on top and don´t let him wind u up becasue this is what he wants. you sound like u are doing well anyway.

i´m going to do a mini hijak again i´m afraid, just a quick one. since my ex was warned by police and my solicitor sent him a letter nearly about 3 and ahlf weeks ago now, I have heard absolutley nothing off him. (a blessing in a lot of ways) however just wondering from your own expriences how long did it take your ex´s to reply to access arangement letter? it was my dc´s birthday last week and heard nothing from him then either. i thought he would want to see her by now. it boggles me! what is he playing at? hmm...

findingmysong , sorry that you are feeling poorly. have you got anyone around you to help out? it is so hard being on your own. you´ve been through such a lot and maybe could do with someone looking after you if possible?

finding , sorry to hear you're poorly. I think it's from being worn down. Also, now he's left, you probably haven't got stress in the same way as before, so your body gives itself permission to be ill?

arthric, agree with finding, it's bad enough saying it to you, let alone in front of the dcs

Snoop, hope you got a good result today.

I have written the message, so preparing to click send.It's pinks revision of my second draft (13.38). But I've realised "address where you are staying" could mean where on holiday or address where living, so wondering whether to also put "may I also remind you I am still waiting for you to tell me the address where you are staying... Hou 13.50.

Although I suppose I would want address where going on holiday anytime ideally so perhaps could leave it ambiguous.

And he claims to not have an acual home, so staying in two places, so should I put address(es). But probably going too far, just need one base address..

I really shouldn't be spending so much time agonising over it, just send revision of draft 2? (13.38)

arthritic fingers - that is horrible, how old are your dc? How are you feeling now?

finding - you are doing well...you should be proud - it does get better emotionally, give yourself time and be gentle xx

Hi sunrise - no hijacking here - The 'waiting game' is tough, and draining. It is his choice to delay replying. I think it is probally to exert control over you. His actions are a reflection on him. See his behaviour for what it is - By him delaying, he and your DC are missing out on time together, this is unfair on her - i.e he is being selfish and not considering her. The same goes for not acknoledging her birthday. You sound strong - try not to let him get you down xx

a1b2 - Hi! You sound very together and have had great advice from the ladies here - stay strong and trust your self :) Clear, concise and to the point in a style appropriate for a teenager mentality :o

sun, unfortunately my ex mostly ignored all solicitor correspondence for as long as he possibly could. In the end his own solicitor wouldn't act for him as he even ignored their letters.

Hope someone else can give you a better timescale!

That's horrible not hearing from him on DCs birthday.

thanks Bobits. You are right.. I can just picture him now coming up with some ludicrous exuse as to why he has not been in touch. my dc is only 12 months and so will soon forget who he is. it wouldn´t be right for him to just then turn up and expect to see her, ít could really upset her but he probably will do this! thank youf or your kind words, wil try do what you say and not let him get on top of me. xx