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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 06/03/2012 00:41

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

OP posts:
only4tonight · 12/03/2012 07:25

Morning starting. I had a dream about you last night. I dreamt that we met up in rl and you turned out to be Adele. As in the singer Adele! Weird huh

CurrySpice · 12/03/2012 07:35

Morning starting! He's not "in a relationship". They don't even know each other. Not properly

My guess is the reason he didn't contact you yesterday is that they were both off work. Prepare yourself for calls / texts today once she's not listening in Sad Do. Not. Answer!!

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 12/03/2012 08:24

Morning......got 7 hours sleep last night..:) i need a lot more to catch up with all ive lost over the last week ....so im still knackered.

Didn't eat a thing yesterday- i just don't feel like it........

Yesterday i gave upstairs a clean, today im going to tackle downstairs, pop to the shops take the dog for a walk...im also going to contact some gardeners re the garden and get some builders in re the house.......i need an idea of how much this is all going to cost to fix....hes offered to do for free and so id like to think that i could get some of what he owes me back by allowing him to do but i think that it really be just too hard.

i think if i can get the house into some sort of order it would make me feel much better......

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingagain88 · 12/03/2012 08:26

Only.....thats weird..im not really an Adele fan but yesterday i was listening to some of her songs and having a good cry............:(

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingagain88 · 12/03/2012 08:30

Curry, i know i really do think this is an infatuation a fantasy in his mind that i know longer understand or respect him, while she does ........our house is a tip with lots of work to do (because of him) her house is a calm oasis..... Im now relying on him for income- she has a job.........we are 'comfortable' with each other she is new and exciting..........

Hes made his choice and now we both have to live with it.............

OP posts:
CurrySpice · 12/03/2012 08:55

Starting I strongly suspect that you will be doing a whole lot more living than him. You have endless possibilities opening up to you. You rely on him for nothing

I'd bet my mortgage he will live to regret this, especially when he sees you blossom and grow

crazynell · 12/03/2012 09:04

morning starting - keep going and don't let the b*%%ds get you down:):)
i agree with curry

only4tonight · 12/03/2012 09:12

I think the adele heartbreak songs just equated in my head to you. But you better have been crying to rolling in the deep rather than 'someone like you'

You are right about his fantasy life. It sounds like a mid life crisis. He is a child man who can't deal with the prospect of the responsibility of marriage and children and being provider. None of this is an excuse. All it makes him is a weak immature man who needs to grow the Fuck up. Plenty of people worry about that kind of thing. Decent people don't go running off to other women, leaving their partner with all the Shit. That is a major and deep set character flaw.

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 12/03/2012 09:48

Just looking online fancy buying some new clothes...i didnt really spend that much on myself when we were together..he said i didnt need to 'he loved me the way i am' yeah right ha!

Curry, God i hope so...i dont wish him bad but id do hope that in time he will see how badly he has treated me and feel sad about that......He just rang about ten mins ago.....you ladies have these men down to a tee.....its like ticking off a list..........

Thanks Crazy, im trying and im getting there slowly........:)

Only......i really do think that he shit himself when the reality of of supporting a household hit him...hes run to a ready man home.......i am so lucky that this didnt happen a year later with marriage and possibly kids............:) :) :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingagain88 · 12/03/2012 09:51

He just texted me saying he needs to get into the garage to get some tools....hes working on a job around the corner....what should i do....open the garage door and let him get what he needs on his own (ie not see him) or just ignore it...he will know im in as my car is in the drive and the gates are locked.....help!

OP posts:
SlightlyJaded · 12/03/2012 10:03

I think if you don't let him have his tools this time he will just badger you

Blase is the way to go.

Text him to say that the garage will be opened once and once only at 11am for 20 mins. Take the dog for a walk.

If he is loitering when you return, just turn straight back round again.

DO NOT ENGAGE

You are doing so well and it will only put you back

Morning, by the way :)

mummytime · 12/03/2012 10:04

What tools are his in the garage? I would be tempted to just bag up , black bin bag will do, as much of his crap as you can, and leave it somewhere for him. Then text to say he can collect the x black bags by...where ever, you hope what he wants is in there, can he take them all. Then go out, or be busy and make sure you don't see him

RoxyRobin · 12/03/2012 10:38

This is the sort of thing that leaps out and ambushes you just when you're starting to cope. My instincts would be to make myself scarce - don't know if you can manage it - leave key with neighbour, perhaps.

If you do come face to face, be aloof and detached if you can. Dig your nails hard into your palm to distract yourself. And try not to get too upset if your dog tail-wagglingly welcomes him as his long-lost best friend - dogs have no tact!

undermyskin · 12/03/2012 10:39

Actually he is now concocting reasons to come round. If he actually needed his tools, why did he not pick them up when around a couple of times last week? I'd be 'helpful' by putting what you can outside the gate and then texting him that it is ready for collection.

Lovely weather.

Silverthorns · 12/03/2012 10:41

Agree with mummytime - put his crap out and leave it. Don't be there when he gets it. The sooner his crap is out of your life the less time you have to spend dealing with his requests to come round (and make sure you're still hanging/suffering/pining for him). I agree with the poster up thread who just said sell the house, clean break, move on.

Sounds like you're getting angry now. THis is good. Grin

RoxyRobin · 12/03/2012 11:02

Forgot to say, he's being a callous bastard - but we knew that's what he was anyway.

Git.

only4tonight · 12/03/2012 11:02

I would go with opening garage. Putting a time limit and then going out. Do not engage. Also saying this is 1 time only and he better get everything he needs because he is not welcome back.

only4tonight · 12/03/2012 11:04

Oh if you can put all his Shit from the house into the garage for him to get while he is there.

cenicienta · 12/03/2012 11:13

Can you put ALL his stuff in the garage then text him to tell him this is his one chance to collect EVERYTHING.

The best possible outcome here is that you rediscover your worth and beauty and start enjoying life to the full, that he see's what a terrible mistake he's made and comes crawling back, begging you to take him back. By this time you will actually feel like you've moved on and be able to look at him, smile and say "no thanks".

This will only happen if you stay strong. Refuse to see him, talk to him, engage with him.

This might mean spending more money to bring builders into the house but please, please don't let him do the work for you, even if it does cost less.

Your self respect is worth far, far more than what you might pay some builders to get your house into a decent enough state to sell it.

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 12/03/2012 11:14

He has a massive amount of tools etc... there's no way that i could bag them all up- id need a skip (that's an idea...... :))

He called home phone withheld number..........i picked it up......can i come and get some tools?..........i said yes ill open the gate and garage and you can let yourself in............he wants to come and collect some more stuff wednesday....wants to be my friend help with house etc........

Wants to give me some MONEY as i am not working .....once he starts earning....starts telling me the reason he left was that i was having a go at him and he started to dislike me.......that we are different people etc- not to do with other woman blah blah............

Hes been and gone now- I told him not to come to the house......im sorry to ask this but do you think we could ever be 'friends'?

OP posts:
Tattymum · 12/03/2012 11:17

Starting, I've been lurking on your thread. You are doing so well. I think you can do far better for friends than him.

charlearose · 12/03/2012 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cenicienta · 12/03/2012 11:24

You need friends who will left you up and help you to feel like the wonderfully warm and funny person you are (that we see on this thread despite your obvious pain).

Can you honestly say ex makes you feel better about yourself?

I would say that at some point in the future, when you are completely over him and possibly settled into your new life, feeling happy with yourself and your situation you might be able to meet him in the street, smile and say hi!

Now is not that time!

Now is time to detach, go cold turkey, cut him out of your life physically and emotionally.

You won't survive this if you try to be friends right now!

only4tonight · 12/03/2012 11:25

I don't think the friends question is for now. You are not clear enough of him yet to really think about that.

Be properly free of him, be settled, confident and happy. Move on. THEN consider if you WANT to be his friend. You don't have to make that decision now, nor should he be attempting to force the issue.

Tell him if he has any respect for you whatsoever he will back off and give you the time and space to deal with everything. No matter how much it hurts his ego. It's not about him, what he wants or how he feels anymore.

Also if he left because your relationship went bad you could have separated amicably, or tried to work it out. He didn't he CHOSE to go to another woman!

only4tonight · 12/03/2012 11:30

He is not the poor good guy in this. He fucked you over, left you with no job, no idependence, a fucked up house, no support network. He went to live with another woman who he has been having a continued affair with. You are strong enough to deal with it all but a) he didn't and doesn't know that and b) he didn't care.