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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 06/03/2012 00:41

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

OP posts:
LiarsWife · 22/03/2012 22:56

Starting it was a pleasure talking to you.. you have my number now so anytime you are tempted to contact him phone or text me instead .. Don't take any shit from him tomorrow xx

tadjennyp · 22/03/2012 23:01

Yes, I think the key word is that it is the last of his stuff, which is another ending. That will make you sad and you have every right to be. Glad you have had a chat with someone else. Every little step will take you in the right direction. Hope you get a decent night's sleep.

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 22/03/2012 23:05

Thank you Liarswife!!I enjoyed talking with you too :) comparing notes was interesting....these guys all read from the same script- its amazing! x

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingagain88 · 22/03/2012 23:12

Thanks Tadjennyp, I'm sure ill get some sleep...but im still on the sofa Blush...i think in one way i will feel better when he takes the last of his stuff but in another the reality has fully hit that i am now on my own.......and he has left my life for good :(

OP posts:
Doha · 22/03/2012 23:14

look on tomorrow as the end of your old life and the start of a new exciting one....

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 22/03/2012 23:16

Thanks Doha ... :)

OP posts:
LiarsWife · 22/03/2012 23:24

Have.you a tesco nearby ? go buy a new duvet set and sheets .. May help you back into your bed. i sleep with pillows down either side of me and it is very cosy x

only4tonight · 22/03/2012 23:38

There is no need to feel lonely. These may just be words on a screen but real people put them on here. We are here and we care.

ThePinkPussycat · 22/03/2012 23:56

I would have been so lonely without MN. I have friends, but they can't understand, this is where I've found people who really do :)

There's always someone to talk to about something silly, or something moving, in the middle of the night I found a friend by looking on the Active in last 15 min results. Some of the threads in Classics are well worth a read.

crazynell · 23/03/2012 00:04

hey starting keep going, just focus on the good life you're going to have - yes you will have bad times you'll get thru them and will come out the other side stronger- Let mumsnet keep you company to help you get though it like tppc says.

FloydieDoydie · 23/03/2012 01:11

Just to say am sending you good vibes and positive thoughts for tomorrow. Yes, i know it's terribly sad to have this ending with the last of his stuff going. But also, huzzah - the last of his crap is going! Grin

Your task for tomorrow should definitely be to get lovely new bedding. Get your bedroom all fresh and new - move the bed or furniture around if you can. Okay, you may not make it to the bed tomorrow night, but having it all lovely and yours ready and waiting will help.

Come on missus, you're doing so well!

LiarsWife · 23/03/2012 08:58

Morning Starting how did you sleep?

What's your plan of attack for today? Is all of his stuff in the one place so he's not having the run of the house to go and collect it?

xx

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 23/03/2012 10:56

Thanks everyone!! I drifted off to sleep about 11.30 and so missed some of your messages last night.....managed to get eight good hours sleep :)

I'm determined to sleep in my bed tonight (i think the dog is sick of me sharing the sofa !).....so i have changed the sheets this morning and tidied up the room :)

Feeling a bit brighter....dreading later though....All of his stuff is now in the garage for him to collect.....

I'm going to leave it open for him and go into my office and get on with some phone calls etc i need to make, ill ask him to text me when he has finished so i can lock up......its going to be hard...but everytime i communicate with him it sets me back :(

OP posts:
southlundon · 23/03/2012 11:12

Well done Starting for planning to sleep in your own bed tonight. It's a beautiful day today and I hope the sun helps to cheer you up!

Once all his stuff has gone and you fill the space with your stuff, I'm sure it'll feel liberating. Just don't speak to him even if he knocks on the front door (I'm assuming he's given his keys back?).

Think of the bright future you are going to have. Smile This is the first step x

3littlefrogs · 23/03/2012 11:24

Have you been in touch with your brother?

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 23/03/2012 11:45

3LF Yes, Ive been speaking to him on the phone every other day, im going up to London on saturday to see him :)

South....I think im going to struggle once EXDP has removed all of his things...it makes things more final IYKWIM.....but i know it will help me move on............

OP posts:
southlundon · 23/03/2012 11:56

Hey Starting - I know you're getting quotes to get stuff done on the house but is there anything you can do in the next few days to make it feel more like your house (and your house only)? When I lived on my own after splitting up with an ex I took great please in putting pictures up, getting photos printed of my family etc and put into frames especially pictures my ex wouldn't have liked, played the music I liked loudly all the time so the house wasn't quiet and I could sing along to whatever I wanted to all the time.

Just little things to help me ease into living in the house on my own and make it feel like my space from bottom to top. Reclaiming your bedroom as yours will help too - can you move the furniture there and in other rooms round differently to give it a different feel?

3littlefrogs · 23/03/2012 12:45

Oh - I am so glad.

I hope you will be able to build on your relationship with your brother and his family.

Smile
mathanxiety · 23/03/2012 13:46

Don't ask him to tell you when he is done. Just tell him it needs to be done by X date and time or it gets binned. That way you make one call or text and you don't have to deal with any response or further painful drawing out of this matter.

I recommend buying new sheets for your bed and maybe planning to repaint your room, get new curtains, carpet -- I agree with Southlundon here about claiming the space, and a symbolic place like the bedroom should get a symbolic makeover.

008 · 23/03/2012 17:59

Hi Starting ...

Just a little thing, how about shoving YOUR bedroom furniture around a bit and rearranging it? Some new pillows, a new nightie or jammies, some lavendar on your pillow so that it all smells fresh?

Hope you have a lovely weekend with your brother
x

PooPooInMyToes · 23/03/2012 18:16

Where abouts in London is your brother?

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 23/03/2012 22:15

Hi All,

Having quite a good night tonight..... :)

EXDP came by today as agreed to collect his stuff and only took a quarter of it!...took the stuff which is worth money tools, golf clubs etc and left all the crap.....texted him he says that he will come and pick up the rest next week...! Angry

I'm gonna to get into bed tonight and see how it goes..... fingers crossed!

My big bro lives in east london, tomorrow we are meeting up going to a market to have a mooch around then on to get some food...... im looking forward to it :)

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 23/03/2012 22:27

Tell him his last day to pick it up is X or Y, and that after that you will assume it is to be got rid of and you will do just that with it. You need to put a stop to this endless picking up of things that is going on.

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 23/03/2012 22:47

I know its going on forever and not helping............

OP posts:
CurrySpice · 23/03/2012 22:50

Starting, text this to him:

Any of your crap not removed by 9am on Monday morning will be placed in the skip which I have ordered to arrive that morning as I will assume you no longer want it. Hth