In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

[Startingagain88]

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

Fuck cleaning the house up. Sit in the wilderness garden with a . Listen to the birds.

My mum was a fiesty woman...she had a traditional role as a Housewife/ Mother but chose to work P/T to give herself some independence and her own money.. i was thinking earlier what she would say if she was still here with me...I know what she would say....

Dont let this man rip you off any more than he has, you dont need him, walk away, hold your head up high (she always said that :)), be proud because you have done nothing wrong, all you did was love. You have so many opportunties ahead of you, you are young you have your whole life ahead of you-you are my daughter and i love you.'

:)

I think im nearly there girls....... :) :) :)

Hi Starting, i agree with only - get rid of it - you don't need it..
Anger is part of the process - so let it out you've every right to feel angry. :)

Your mum sounds like she was a very lovely woman.

Can you just get basic repairs done, then sell up?

However I would suggest that if you really like the house, area, location etc and if it's a good investment with good prospects once finished, it might be worth staying put. The upheaval of a move actually is something you could do without at the moment/in next few months.

When my husband did a runner I thought initially that I couldn't possibly stay in our house - surrounded by his things and in the house we had both loved so much.

Good thing I stuck it out because after a while it made no difference that it had been 'our' home; I still loved the house and I still do. It became my haven.

Anyway, only a thought.

Keep making cups of tea and wandering about the house and garden thinking, going with the flow of your emotions. Its only been a few days. You have the roller-coaster to ride for a while yet. But I promise it does eventually slow to a gliding halt and you get off, and the grief and pain and fear have all gone.

You're doing brilliantly btw and sound very much like your mum in the strong and head-held-high departments!

Keep going.

Starting.

One day at a time and also one room at a time.

Priority - get your living room in as best order as you can. If it means you need
to dump piles of shit in another room, so be it. Remove anything that isn't useful or beautiful, clean it as best you can, treat yourself to a nice smelly candle and give yourself a room to spend your evening in.

When you have money/time/energy, you can do it properly but just for now, give yourself someone to relax that isn't chaotic.

One room at a time.
One day at a time
You are not Plan B
You are as smart and wise as your mum was
You have friends.
This is the beginning of the Good Years

Where did my paragraphs go?

iPad Scmi-pad

my paras went in one of my posts just now too slightly. MN, having a hissy fit.

and while I'm here! What a stunning thread - I have been reading through it and also recommending it on other boards within MN.

Well done starting!!!

WOOP WOOP GO

see, no paras

Starting i know its not the same as losing your mum, but i lost my brother two years ago and like you are doing in that you are thinking what your mum would say if she was with you now, i do that too, i think "what would he say to me now if he was still here? i know what he'd say and i find it really helps because i think they live in you - your mum is in you (and your dad), they made you who and what you are. this sounds a bit rambling - but i hope you know what i mean....

Hey starting just caught up on all your highs and lows whilst i've been at the spa... Wow what a roller coaster but I'm proud of how you are sounding so strong now.

Try not to stress too much about the house one room at a time and a builder who is somewhat under my thumb with very reasonable rates can be at your beck and call if you need him.

I feel like I want to meet your bully now I've met you maybe if we both took him for a walk I'd lose some of this flab if mine.

A shame about your bro but now you have something to look forward to next weeekend as well as our jaunt to the pictures

You're doing good so keep going x

Hey, Starting,

Wish I could come round and have a good clear out with you and leave the inlaws to it ... they are driving me nuts ... but that´s a WHOLE other thread ... including nudist beaches and inappropriate bathroom behaviour ... trust me, sometimes a weekend with the dog IS the best alternative(!)

Here´s to a good night´s sleep tonight!

008

Can you have a painting party with pinkwellies, her builder and your db maybe? You all do one room and you provide pizza, wine etc? That might help cheer you up if you can pull it off. Then get the house on the market? I hope you have had a lovely Sunday with the dog.

Oh what you seeing at the pictures. I really want to see the "hunger games" as I managed to read all 3 books in a week. I think that's out the week after though and I think the film may be aimed more at teenagers than the books were.

Thank you all for your great advice...lol Charlea balls with strawberries and cream :)

No contact again today- first day he hasn't tried to call/text me.....its hard the fact that he doesn't want to check in with me ,but i'd had better get used to it this is the way it is from now on....hes done me a favour really.....

Its very difficult to change old habits...- i spent all my free time with him and we spoke frequently on the phone, to go from that to cold turkey has been really difficult, currently three days without a visit, two days with no contact... it feels strange :(

Hey Starting

Just think of what he is doing with OW which is why he doesn't have time or want to call you.

Then keep that anger and commitment to not fall back high.

It will get easier in time. /hugs

Hi Xales, yes i did think of the reason why he didnt call me......and that just made me sad :(.........im ok....its just still hard to believe that he is now in another relationship and that i am no longer his first priority.....:(

Sweetheart you have never been his first priority.

OW is not his first priority.

The only priority this man has is himself and getting the maximum out of anyone else for the minimum he can get away with putting in.

One day you will look back and realise what a massive favour this man and his new girlfriend have done you. You are so far above him in class and out of his league it is unbelievable.

And OW will always have that little twitch at the back of her mind that what he does to others he can do to her...

You were never his 'first priority', honey.

Men like him only are about themselves and the ow will find out soon enough that she's being used just like you've been.

If it's another bright day tomorrow, get to work clearing his shit out of your garage and, if you haven't got one already, think about getting a car to run around in with Mr Bully.

'Mr Bully' - the dog, that is

I really don't think his relationship with ow will be very long lived. If it is it will be because he is not capable of going it alone.

If he were deeply in love with her he would have said it from the off and not been playing games with your head.

He is playing a game of emotional chicken with you. Don't give in. Don't contact him and when he contacts you (which he will) be strong.

Oh izzy is so right. Your own car gives you so much more independence. Dh and I had a rocky patch a few years ago (not infidelity) and the first thing I did was go out any buy a little, cheap run around. I love that car. Bully prob wouldn't fit in it though to be fair.

Thank you ladies, your wise words are helping to keep me sane, im going to see if i can get some kip now- im knackered :)

Ive got my own car........but bully cant fit in it!! :) Ill have to think about changing the car so he can get in:)