In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

[Startingagain88]

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

What would you gain from being his friend? It is a scary thought that someone who has been such a quintessential part of your life for so long in effect no longer exists. It seems careless somehow. But he has treated you very badly and friends do not do that to each other. In the end it will be very much his loss.

I would say that I am friendly with my exP but that is because we have DC and are both committed to giving them the best upbringing we can. It took a while to get beyond being tight lipped and curt with each other. Yes we do occassionaly chat and have cups of tea/dinner in each other's homes but that is all around collecting DC. We do not seek out each other's company independently from the DC. I know that exP would help me out and vice versa but neither of us is the first port of call for the other.

Oh and what a catch ow has got. He didn't leave you for her so he is basically just cocklodging!

Only, that's exactly what I think.....i suppose things had got a bit stale over the last six months and we were arguing more, however nothing that i would think was a major problem........nothing we couldn't have worked out....

He doesn't seem to understand that if he hadn't of involved this other woman and instead spoke to me seriously about being unhappy, we may have been able to work through this.......he keeps saying we drifted apart etc...yes since he started seeing this other woman!

Im starting to blame myself again......... :(

Bolocks you didn't go off screwing someone else did you?

Life is tough. He needs to grow up and deal with it. Shit happens, everyone goes through rough patches. Not everyone uses them as an excuse to Fuck around.

Starting I know I sound harsh but you need to get your angry back. Softly softly won't help you break free. But I know it hurts and, for that, I am sorry.

Starting I've just spent an hour reading your thread (when I should be working oops) and the progress you have made in a week is amazing. I've not been in your situation but the advice you've been given on here is fantastic.

So really I'm posting to say 1) keep strong, keep it up, remember what an angry shit he was to you on the phone before and do not crumble and 2) you other MNers are so much wiser than I am and I'm grateful for the sterling advice you've given Starting.

Good luck seaside lady...

Only..... exactly...hes continuing to blame me instead of admitting he wasnt strong enough or didn't care enough to talk to me about how he felt seriously....he says hes lost everything too his old life etc...he says its better it happened now rather than 10 years down the line....im young enough to meet someone else etc.....

It does make me doubt myself though..........makes me think that maybe somehow i was to blame........ARRRRRGGHHHHHHHH!

Hang on, he has left you in the lurch and then he kicks you when you are down by telling you that "he started to dislike me" and you ask if you two could ever be friends! Seriously??

Take a step back and ask yourself what you would say to someone you care about who asked you that question about their ex?

Just suppose you could become friends... wouldn't that mean that you'd have to respect the OW as his partner?

Try to get him to take all his stuff and then shut him down so that you can get on with your life without the wound re-opening.

He wants to blame you because he can't deal with the responsibility of it all being his fault and his choice. He didn't try to work it out with you before because he didn't want to he wanted to take the easy route out. All of this smacks of the easy route.

He leaves because responsibility scared him, he finds somewhere else to live someone else to shag. But its ok because he isn't to blame. REALLY?

You blaming yourself is giving him an easy out. Is this easy for you? Why does he deserve to have it easy?

I sound bitter and twisted but I am not. I know there are good guys out there. I have 1. You deserve 1 too. Not this pond scum.

Starting. This is why you mustn't engage with him AT ALL for now

No contact, calls, chats - nothing

Otherwise not only will he be responsible for starting destroying your relationship, he will also destroy your chances of recovering from it.

He is he only person who can single handedly undo all progress you've made this week. Please don't let him do that. HE DOES NOT HAVE YOUR INTERESTS AT HEART. I'm sorry, but he doesn't.

I was doing so well....and now he has me doubting everything again, he was my only friend for so long.... WHEN WILL THIS ROLLERCOASTER STOP!

You said he told you he left earlier than he planned because of a row. So he was Going to continue planning his escape route untill he was settled, he was going to carry on sleeping with you both until he was ready. Bet tour life he wasn't going to encourage you to find work, get a social life and sort the house before he went was he. Long as he was ok mate.

Starting, I don't want to sound harsh but there were two of you in the relationship and it broke down. So, yes if you want to find ways to pick over the corpse, then you will find things that you could have done better.

However, HE started an affair in secret and from that moment on he'd left the relationship. there was nothing you could have done to turn the situation around after that.

He's done what is best for himself and now you need to look after yourself. Step 1 to doing that is to eat regularly, sleep well and have nothing to do with him for a long time/ probably forever.

It doesn't matter who he thinks is at fault because from now on, his thoughts and feelings are not your problem (and FWIW I think you will be glad one day to have got rid of him because he was holding you back from having a good life).

Starting, you are NOT to blame! Yup, no one is perfect, but that is not a reason to go around sticking your dick in another woman. He's a prick. You aren't. It's that simple.

I would second (third and fourth) everyone else by saying to blitz through the house with bin bags, take ALL of his stuff and put in the garage with his tools. Set a deadline for him and tell him if he hasn't collected it by then, it's going in a skip. Make it clear it is not an idle threat and stick to it. (in fact, ring up and book one now - you can always cancel it).

Get his shit out of your home and it will help get him out of your head by removing physical reminders. Then paint!

You are getting there good woman! Channel your lovely mum and use the strength you know you have to power through this. Look how well you were doing getting angry with him. Chin up and get going

Go on!

Oh and FUCK being his friend! Wow, with friends like that, who would need enemies?!

Right starting. What work actually needs doing in your house? Are we talking paint and shelves or electrics and plumbing?

When the emotional stuff gets too tough we can do something practical.

Thank you all for giving me a kick up the arse.......i was starting to feel sorry for him again.............. :)

As suggested im going to start focusing on practical stuff......my first priorities are.......get the downstairs cleaned up its a tip......pop out to the shops.....make myself something to eat....walk the dog.

Tomorrow, i need to sort through all paperwork etc as i have solictors appointment on Wednesday and everything is in a mess....and get my hair done :) god it needs it!!

later in the week im going to paint my living room/ and get some new curtains the front room is currently a dump and needs brightening up............. get some quotes on work...

Friday im going to the pictures with pinkwellies, weekend big bro is coming........ :) I am feeling stronger but it hits me again and im floored...

Up off the floor my love. You have a plan..... Which is more than he has....

Another positive thing signed up to facebook to catch up with old friends....have an invite for the weekend up north already....old friend who i haven't seen for 12/13 yrs.........basically told her that ive just come out of a long term relationship and wanted to catch up with new friends...she was great!

yay - well done starting

Honestly, you are a tower of strength, and come across as a lovely and intelligent woman.

Please avoid contact with your ex. He is your Achilles heel and if he can, he will stop you from moving forward, just so that you can remain his Plan B.

starting I tried to stay friends with my ex, I was a muppet , my ex FIL sent me a text that said he's my son and I love him but I love you too stop being taken in by him and stop giving him money he's not using it pay debts he's taking his OW out with it.

It took me a while to stop being a muppet but once I did, hating him and moving on became so much easier.

Every time you weaken think of how shabbily he treated you and how you deserve more

My ex's mum told my mum that she was sorry we broke up but that I could do much better! You know something is up when even their parents think they a holes

Starting, you're doing very well!
Why would you want to be friends with him????
You do not have DC's together, so you don't even have to have polite contact with him.

You are friends with people you like, he obviously doesn't like you (because of the way he's treated you) so why would you want him as your friend.

When my exH left, (at my instigation) I saw no reason to actually ever have anything much more to do with him. After a year the anger at him subsided and the liberating feeling of indifference descended. By the time we were divorced I felt nothing about, or towards him and was happily looking forward to a future with my now DH.

Sort out the practicalities, ie him collecting his stuff etc, but wipe him out of your life.
He does not want you to be your friend, this is man speak for "I don't want your pain on my conscience" at best, at worst it is, "I want to be in your good books as a decent person, because financially I want to take advantage of you".

You do not need to speak to him any more than to arrange the practicallities.

HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND!

Okay lecture over

If you read the back history of this board, you'll find that skips have been hired on numerous occasions...

Have you cleared your house of everything that has his name on it? If not, that's how you're going to fill the time between your mumsnetting and dog walking for the next couple of days.

Chuck all of his stuff randomly into bin bags - there's no need to fold clothing or fnd boxes for breakables - and dump it all in the garage.

Once you've accomplished that task, text him to say that his gear will be available for collection between, say, 10am-4pm on a day of your choice later this week and, if not collected on that date, you will arrange to dispose of it by skp or other means. Leave the garage open on the appointed day and take Bully out in your car (he'll fit in one way or another) from 9.45am-4.30pm.

It has to be done otherwise he's got an excuse to pop round whenever it suits him - and you don't need the temptation of begging 'talking it over' and trying to explain yourself/understand why he left.

A garage that's free of clutter will give you the satisfaction of having reclaimed space that rightfully belongs to you, and you'll be able to safely house your car overnight while sparing the odd thought as to how the ow's 'oasis of calm' may now resemble the tip he left you with.

And that's before he starts 'improving' her home - as he will. In fact, for all you know, that's part of his attraction for her - she might be congratulating herself on having landed a bloke who's 'handy' and will solve all her house maintenance requirements. Let her have her dreams... we know they'll be shortlived.

As for being 'friends' with him, nah, of course you can't regard him as a pal. Maybe in a few years' time after you've completely moved on from him - but, by then, he'll mean nothing to you and you won't want to know him.