In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

[Startingagain88]

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

I have been reading your thread all day Starting and I am so so pleased with how amazingly well you are coping. I nearly cheered when you posted about that phone call

Use that anger and power through. He has done you the biggest favour; I felt like my heart would never heal when my husband upped and left me. I was only 22 at the time, but he had been my surrogate family and had manipulated me with his alcoholism so I was all alone.

He literally walked away (no other woman involved at that stage, but didn't take him long) got on a boat and ran home to his mammy in Ireland

He left me two days from being evicted (I didn't know he spent all the rent money on booze), with massive gas, phone and electric bills. I was terrified, and broken hearted. I even went begging to him in Ireland a few weeks later; he spent the weekend shagging me a b&b, we made arrangements for me to move there, i started selling my stuff and everything. He brought me to the airport and I haven't see him since - That was 11 years ago. I spoke to him 2 days later - and heard another woman in the background. that got me angry and that was it. I realised what a loser he was and how unhappy I had been because of his drinking. (that woman wrote to me a year later to say she was pregnant with his second kid and he was beating her up, and I had been right when had I roared down the phone that she was welcome to him!")

Anyway, all I mean is anger is powerful, use it to push through the darkness. YOU CAN DO THIS! You can do ANYTHING you want! Freeeeeedom is ace!

Thank you all so much for your ongoing support and great advice... all of you cheering me on is helping so much you have all been so kind There really is no need to fight over me though!

Having a good night.....tided up the house (a bit :)), ate dinner (packet of cheese and onion crisps- better than nothing! :)) Had a nice long chat with pinkwellies......watched something on TV he would of hated (Melvin Bragg), danced to some classic soul on BBC4....

Also popped in to see my neighbour earlier, told her what had happened....she was great really understanding....it seems like each person i reach out to or tell what has happened the lesser the weight on my shoulders becomes............

Now lets see if i can sleep.............

hi starting i'm another one who's sat today and read all of this thread, i don't normally come onto relationships but i noticed that you have said you've been lurking here for a while before all this happened - i think we know when things are going awry before we acknowledge it in our head.

I am much older than you - and i just want to tell you that i'm sending you as many positive vibes as i can. You have been through an awful time this week and such a big shock, you have had a helper skelter week where your emotions have been all over the place but i can see you are getting stronger everyday. Years ago when i was your age and going through a similar thing with a man who leeched away my self esteem, took away my friends, my money and my sense of humour an old woman who was a friend of my mums said to me that everything thing heals with time - i thought it was just a cliche at the time but it is so true - everything gets better eventually with time - even when i was widowed later on with no job, no house no money and had to relocate to another part of the country - i survived because i'm strong and a fighter - even though it was an enormous struggle i'm still here and very happily married - it can be done and you will get there - it will be a bumpy ride - but even in a week you have all these friends on mn with their words of wisdom humour and support.
I used to take things a day at a time, i used to think if i can get through 1 day i'll be ok, and then another day and another.

What keeps coming through in your posts is a big sense of you having been bereaved and, in these situations the loss you had with your mum and dad comes to the fore - you say "why/how could he do that?" if you replace the word "he" with "they" - mum and dad. It strikes me that him going and leaving you'll has triggered off all the sense of loss at losing your m and d, that you probably normally keep tapped down and when something like this happens it comes back to the surface - god after i lost my dad i went to the funeral of an acquaintance and i cried my eyes out but i didn't cry at my dads funeral. We feel like we have to get on with life and cope, not show our feeling our hurt abandonment anger and eventually they come out. When you feel a bit stronger perhaps you might benefit from some counselling or bereavement counselling.
i know that you will get thorough these next few months - it will be hard but use everyone here and take their advice. Plan, visualise what you want for yourself and aim for it - make it happen, you can do it and one day you'll wake up and think how far you have come since he cleared off.

You have sent all these years looking after idiot-boy, making his life easier - now spend some time looking after yourself- and your dog, he/she needs you and will give you endless unconditional love - and get you out of the house walking - its surprising how many people i meet walking my dogs
Crazynell xx i"m watching out for you xx

crazynell, thank you so much for your post and words of encouragement- i think you are very true in saying that i have ongoing issues arising from my death of my parents, my mum and dad died within 15 months of each other they were a very happily married couple, I was 23.

When my mum died i had to be strong for my dad.....and when my dad died well I fell apart for a while- my EXDP was there for me at these times and thought a lot of my parents, but really instead of helping me dealt with the grief properly we covered it up with drinking too much (i don't drink now).

Dog is snoring beside me now...........

Hey Starting!

I´m on here before you ... does that mean you got some sleep?! I hope so.

I have some RL stuff this weekend (inlaws and birthdays) so probably won`t get chance to pop in ... I just wanted to say good morning and I hope you have a good weekend.

Love 008

I'm on here before you too today, as 008 says hope this means you are asleep

See you later for coffee and I shall insist you have cake .. crisps for dinner what are you like? if you are going to do that at least make it crisps and a kit kat young lady.

Hi all, six hours sleep last night!.....its still not enough (I'm knackered) but its getting better :)

008- thank you and you too!

Pink Wellies...... Regards the cake -i'm sure i can try- might not eat it all though.........it took me about an hour to eat one packet of crisps! See you soon...........

I have found Weetabix to be good, especially if you like it soggy. Put one in a bowl and put milk on even if you don't want to eat it there and then. Next time you're in the kitchen, there's some nice soggy Weetabix all ready to slip down easily - just a few spoonfuls would help.

Morning Starting, another here who has been following your thread.

You really have come such a long way in such a short time, you are doing amazingly well (even if it doesn't feel like it!)

You have received loads of great advice already, I just wanted to add my voice to the support you are getting. Hope you have a lovely morning with pinkwellies x

You're welcome, Starting. Bereavement and loss are insidious creatures - they creep up on you when you're least expecting them.

i've been wondering if he didn't like it that you were doing so well in your job and resented it, hence you giving it up to help him set up a business- People can make subtle hints and then somehow we think we've come to a joint decision. My ex ex was fine while we were both doing jobs that we hated (in it together, us against the world) but once i got a job that i was good at and loved he hated it and acted like a spoilt child - i think this is when he started to stray. Reading your posts it sounds like it was all you doing the giving and the support - takers find givers and exploit their goodwill -

He went off with this woman and then wants you to almost say its ok, its my fault - you have always been his prop - making it better for him.

I hope you have a better day today and tomorrow with oinkwellie and your brother

Crazynell x

Hi Starting
Have been reading your thread all morning and as a result I'm still not dressed !!

My heart goes out to you but like all the wise owls have said you will get through this.
You have already shown how strong you are.

I'm near Kent if you fancy some RL support...maybe even get a few of us from here to meet up. IM me if you would like to xx

Chin up my love xxx

So how was today? Was coffee nice? How is the hair cut and what time is your neo arriving?

I've also been following your thread and been amazed at how well you are doing Starting. What kind of cake did you and wellies share?

Thank you all for your lovely messages of support..........

Had a wonderful time with Pinkwellies- she is a lovely lady we talked for two hours it really helped me make sense of a lot! Were going to meet up again later in the week..... :)Attempted to eat a flapjack but didn't get very far!

But.......my brother called me to say he was running late (only by an hour)- because i feel guilty about asking him to stay at such short notice...he lives quite a long way away has kids etc- and i WAS feeling better at that time, I said no problem why don't we make it next weekend? He insisted he would come but i told him i was fine and not to worry, so im on my own tonight.

Had a nice afternoon around the shops but then i came home......feeling good...then decided to take the dog for a walk he got involved with a bit of a tiff with two other dogs and i really struggled to control him- he's a big dog- it upset me ....it gave me that feeling of not being able to cope again...

Stupidly i then went into the garage...all his stuff.....i broke down.... :(

While i was walking the dog..i was thinking through exactly what he has done to me how cruel and premeditated it was....and i thought what a bastard...it is sinking in again, HE HAS MOVED ON......

The thing that has floored me about all of this is the amount of different emotions i go through in one day....it really is exhausting

On a happy note he texted me earlier and i wasnt even tempted to reply :)

That's great - you've got another meetup with pinkwellies and your db next weekend to look forward to.

As for the up and down emotions, they'll soon level out until all you feel is righteous anger.

And tonight you can have a party here and we'll organise lunch tomorrow.

That's brilliant that you had such a good time with pink wellies -last week you had no friends and in not even a week you've increased that 100% Last week you hadn't had contact with your brother and now he's there for you, and you can look forward to his visit next weekend - i'm sure that now you've spoken to him he'll keep in touch by phone in the meantime.

And its normal to have this roller coaster of emotions that hit you throughout the day. You're doing great!
Tonight: feet up, dog cuddled up to you on the settee glass of wine a bit of dinner and whatever you want to watch on tv and all these lovely mumsnetters - great !!

Izzzy :) I was reading through this thread from the start and you can literally see the different stages of my recovery- up down scared angry - phew...reading through the advice I have been given is helping too because now im in a better place to hear and understand it..... :)

Crazynell- Thats what im planning......:)

All you need is time, honey. And I hope you get enough of it before he's back grovelling with the inevitable sob story or needing another handout to support the ow.

Hi starting,

Glad you had a nice time today. Have you had your hair done?whats it like?

I think your doing great. I know what you mean about other dogs. Mine sometimes does that. Don't worry I always feel the same, mine isn't big but still it gets me worked up.

Are you going to watch Take Me Out Tonight. I love that show, a bit of paddy lovin, it makes me laugh. What about a chinese or something ?

Something funny....I still get his business emails on my BB as i was the one who dealt with all the admin......

A customer is chasing him for some designs saying that the ones that he has sent them are not as good as mine....he says that im 'away' at the moment and that I'll sort it out next week - No I f**ing wont, HE BETTER NOT ASK, HE CAN LEARN HOW TO DO IT! OR MAYBE THE OW CAN! :) :) :)

That has cheered me up!

I was thinking about what you said about making your partner your everything. Now I still have my parents but am not very close to them therefore it doesn't really feel like I have the love or support of parents. Like you I seem to have lost friends over the years and my partner is the only one I'm close to really. It's made me think somehow maybe I need to meet new people and friends. I wish that you were nearer to me as I sometimes feel lonely too.

RR30- No i rearranged the appointment for next week cos Big Bro was coming..... i am actually feeling a bit hungry tonite..i bought some nice bread and soup so im going to have that later..........

Glad you had a good time starting.

It will get better, eventually. Look how far you have come in less than a week! You are doing really well unbelievable as that sounds.

A long shot but have you considered dropping your old boss and email just in case there is a chance of your old job back?

When you are feeling strong enough text him to say he needs to collect all his stuff by X day or you will dispose of it as you see fit. Then arrange for someone else to be there for the day while he does it (even just a man with a van type person hired for the day anyone you can get) and avoid him. The sooner you get all his shit out the house the sooner you stop looking at it and remembering. Plus why should it clutter your place not hers?

There is actually no reason for you to see him or talk to him any more. Detach and stop being there for him to feel sorry for himself to. The more you do the quicker and the more you will see you don't really need this loser pulling you down.

Oh I hope you don't do the designs for him he's so cheeky. I don't think ow will be able to do them.