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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 06/03/2012 00:41

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

OP posts:
Xales · 10/03/2012 19:37

What a cheek on the business please stay strong, you are only supporting him and his new admitted girlfriend if you do it!!!!

Startingagain88 · 10/03/2012 19:38

RR30- I know how you feel.....from what ive experienced over the last five days...i think its really important for you to make time to meet new friends, i wish i had- you never know when you might need them :)

Where are you?

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RachyRach30 · 10/03/2012 19:38

There's nothing better than a nice hot bowl of soup and a warm buttered crusty baguette yum yum. In fact I might have that. I love tomato soup, what flavour are you going to have?

RoxyRobin · 10/03/2012 19:40

Hahahahaha re the designs - that has even cheered me up!

Startingagain88 · 10/03/2012 19:41

Nothing special only vegetable!

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QuintessentialyHollow · 10/03/2012 19:42

Yay! to the designs. Do not do ANY more admin or designs for him.

RachyRach30 · 10/03/2012 19:43

I'm in the North. It sounds lovely where you are by the beach. I am trying to meet people such as I've joined some crafty type classes at college. It's having the confidence, not easy but trying. Do you like any crafts?

RachyRach30 · 10/03/2012 19:45

Vegetable that sounds good. You've made me so hungry .

crazynell · 10/03/2012 19:45

he's got a cheek -tell him to pi&% off and get his ow to do them. I see she's a carer - he's found someone to look after him, then hasn't he? :):)

Startingagain88 · 10/03/2012 19:45

Not Really- i've give pottery a go! I have always wanted to play the piano..i might do that!

OP posts:
RachyRach30 · 10/03/2012 19:48

I would give that a go. New courses start in april I think at the colleges, maybe have a go, you'll have fun and meet some new people.

Startingagain88 · 10/03/2012 19:50

Crazynell....lol :) Yes she is....although i don't think she earns very much money...so he better get used to the demands of being the main breadwinner :)

OP posts:
RachyRach30 · 10/03/2012 19:51

You could join the gym too, there will be lots of men there. I know you won't feel like a new guy just yet but a bit of flirting might cheer you up!

WhereMyMilk · 10/03/2012 19:52

Well done Starting.

Remember your good thoughts of earlier. And you are coping and doing amazingly well.

Bag his stuff up and text him to fetch it or you'll leave it for the bin men.

Well done for not texting him back earlier :)

Hope you have a peaceful night.

RachyRach30 · 10/03/2012 19:52

Starting - haha that made me chuckle

RachyRach30 · 10/03/2012 19:54

I would love to be able to play the piano, would just love it. I would like to have a go at singing lessons. I also love to dance, disco would be my choice..

Startingagain88 · 10/03/2012 20:18

RR30 -Disco WOW! k*head has just called my home phone- caller id...hes probably calling to keep me sweet so i can do those design for him next week haha :) Tosser!

OP posts:
ThePinkPussycat · 10/03/2012 20:25

Is poaching his customer an option?

That would really get up his nose.

Xales · 10/03/2012 20:27

Remember if he is nice to you next time you chat this is the only reason he is being so.

As soon as he has what he wants like £200 last time he will be a prick to you again.

only4tonight · 10/03/2012 21:01

Oh can you imagine what he is thinking. You might have gone out and everything. How dare you not answer his calls lol.

only4tonight · 10/03/2012 21:04

Have you thought of starting your own business. If he is a handyman and you are talking designs maybe you could take the leap into interior design?

meredeux · 10/03/2012 22:19

FWIW I have been through something very similar.

It does get better in the end and one day you will be glad that this finished and only sorry that you wasted time after it ended.My stages were...
numb, crying, desperately needing him to comfort me (but knowing he couldn't because he was the one who had hurt me), getting my hair cut, feeling awful when he was cold to me, feeling like it was worse than my father's death, calling him too often, obsessing about the OW, wanting to make him regret it, wanting him back, trying to make him jealous, boring people talking about him.

Along the way, I learned to do all the things that I thought were beyond me. Mostly I learned because I was so low that i didn't care what happened to me so I just did the jobs because nothing could feel worse than how I was feeling anyway. Then suddenly I realised I'd learned how to do a whole load of new things and I began to feel a little better.

Also, i lost all the excess flab.

Then people started to offer me friendship and I started to have a social life again.

Then he hit me and I was knocked very low again. But this time, I realised - finally - how horrible he was.

Then I dated someone else and even though it didn't last long, I realised that there are better men out there.

Then my career started to take off (because I'd had time to invested time in it).

Then I met DH.

Then I got pregnant. One day when I was about six months into the pregnancy, I saw the ex-BF in the street as I was coming home from work. He wasn't even worth crossing the street to say hello to. I just really wasn't interested enough to pass the time of day with him.

My only regret is that it took me a year to get over him. It was a wasted year. he wasn't worth the relationship, never mind the year of mourning. The sooner you can get to that stage, the better for you.

Please don't call him or risk your happiness by asking him to come back. This will work out for you.

Startingagain88 · 10/03/2012 22:45

I was just taking a look through all of the work i have done for him, advertising, website, branding, marketing materials, lead generation.........some of the leads which i have got for him are coming through and it looks like he will get the jobs....

So all the work i have put in which he would NEVER be able to do for himself -is going to benefit the OW and of course the ex and i havent got a job.........half of this stuff i did when he was probably getting his leg over with her........

OP posts:
ThePinkPussycat · 10/03/2012 22:53

Don't worry OP he may get the jobs which at least means he won't be begging off you, but if he is that untogether it's unlikely he'll be able to build on the good start you gave him.

FWIW I bear no ill will towards my own ex cocklodger (well almost no ill will Grin) and really wish he can make something of himself without me. But I didn't feel like that at the start (no ow involved, in my case, btw)

Startingagain88 · 10/03/2012 22:54

Mere, many thanks for your support, sounds like you had a really tough time, but came up smelling of roses in the end :)

Funny enough, although i obviously dont think the OW is a particularly nice person i don't think about her that much and am not really angry will her this is all him.....he was the one in the relationship, he was the one manipulating me and he was the one who didn't chose to tell me when he started having feelings for someone else....even if she was whispering in his ear, he should have given me the respect our 15 yr relationship deserved.

Im going to start doing some painting next week and also get a nice sexy gardener in (preferably with no top) to sort the garden for summer- i used to joke with Ex about that and he used to get really jealous- all the while hes shagging the OW ha ha! :)

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