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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 06/03/2012 00:41

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

OP posts:
Inertia · 09/03/2012 12:43

Befuzzled has got it spot on. If Ex tries to contact you over the weekend you will be far too busy to get back to him. You have plans to do fun stuff with interesting people.

It's understandable that you're grieving- it was a long relationship, and you turned to him for comfort when you were bereaved. The relationship you had with your now Ex is gone. He is a big part of your past, but he is a fly in the ointment of your present, and he can only be part of your future if you allow him to contaminate it. You own your future.

Well done for making the work calls- that's a big step forward to take- and for the shower and having something to eat. Are you ready to treat yourself to something lovely for lunch or dinner?

izzyizin · 09/03/2012 12:51

This isn't a death, it's the rebirth of you.

And your future isn't empty; it's full of myriad possibilities.

Get that road trip across the US booked. A trip to America is just what you need to awaken you to the joys of freedom - and I'll be happy to take exceptionally good care of your canine pal in your absence

[loves dogs emoticon]

only4tonight · 09/03/2012 13:22

What kind of dog is he starting? What are your plans for today?

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 09/03/2012 13:22

EXDH just called........i got a bit upset on the phone -he got nasty.........but now i am getting angry......

He admitted that he is 'with' this other woman and they are boyfriend/girlfriend..he says i must move on with my life..i said you know i have no friends etc here- where will i meet another partner? he says i dont know (nastily)- apparently the OW has nothing to do with us splitting up he was really defending her which really made me realise that HE HAS CHOSEN HER OVER ME. AND HE HAS NO LONGER ANY INTEREST IN MY LIFE OR HOW I AM.

He sounded like a different guy on the phone- HE IS NOT THE MAN I THOUGHT- he said i am trying to help you...if you continue putting pressure on me ill cut all contact- i didn't say anything........

I will now only make contact for necessary things ie signing paperwork etc...I NEED YOUR HELP NEVER TO GET INVOLVED IN THAT CONVERSATION AGAIN WITH HIM.

YOU LADIES ARE COMPLETELY RIGHT NO CONTACT IS THE ONLY WAY. AT LAST I UNDERSTAND.

OP posts:
only4tonight · 09/03/2012 13:28

Good! It's amazing how telephone calls can be real turning points.

What is left to do re paperwork. Can you ask a solicitor to draw up a contract where by you agree to leave his business alone if he agrees to leave your house alone? Or does he owe you more than that?

Can you delete his no from your phone so you can't call or do you remember it?

Se the stages of grief are going past quickly. Shock, denial, devistation and now anger. Keep going you will have it done with in a week xxxx

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 09/03/2012 13:29

Just getting ready to go out, need to pick up some shopping, then back to walk the dog.........

Brothers coming over this weekend so need to get the house in some sort of order today!!

Feeling better for having a shower and a cup of tea- in a way that phone call has done me the world of good i can now see him for what he really is...... :) :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingagain88 · 09/03/2012 13:33

Only- lol ....to see this totally different side to him is a revelation..... to talk to me like that after 15 yrs.....i don't care how long hes been shagging her etc....i deserve more respect than that!

OP posts:
Wrongbow · 09/03/2012 13:34

Good! :)

You're not giving him that money for his direct debits are you? Please say no...

only4tonight · 09/03/2012 13:34

Keep that feeling. Hate is a strong emotion to hold onto long term so you will have to let it go at some point. But for now its good for you. Hate, hurt and anger. But keep your dignity and keep away from him. The first day of no contact is the hardest.

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 09/03/2012 13:36

Only, visiting the solicitor on Wednesday to get paperwork etc will then get EXDH to sign..........theres still some bits to sort out but not much..........

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingagain88 · 09/03/2012 13:37

Wrongbow- NO!

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 09/03/2012 13:37

Starting I didn't see anything about what you did with the direct debits? Really hope you stopped them...

Just remember aswell, it's not a partner you need right now, it's friends. Maybe go to your local library and check out some voluntary work? Whatever you do, don't let him see any weakness from you, that time has passed.

only4tonight · 09/03/2012 13:38

The next will be when something good happens and you have to fight your instinct to tell him about it and share it with him. Those feelings will pass. They are little hurdles you have to jump to reach your bright future.

Wrongbow · 09/03/2012 13:39

:o

only4tonight · 09/03/2012 13:43

Keep that feeling. Hate is a strong emotion to hold onto long term so you will have to let it go at some point. But for now its good for you. Hate, hurt and anger. But keep your dignity and keep away from him. The first day of no contact is the hardest.

only4tonight · 09/03/2012 13:44

Oh Wtf that's not what my post said. Stupid sodding phone

only4tonight · 09/03/2012 13:47

My post was supposed to say- tell us about your doggie maybe we can find him a temp carer while you explore the us of a.

undermyskin · 09/03/2012 13:53

The audacity of the man for giving you any advice on what to do. Remember he is no prize - after 15 years with him you are socially isolated, poorer and without a job. It can only get better and in the short time since his bombshell you have made great strides - please don't underestimate how far you have come already (I did far less well than you!).

You resisted the temptation to phone him - so of course he phones you. Now you need to resist picking up the phone when he next calls.

Your isolation must make the days seem very long and lonely. With everything else to consider, I would recommend putting looking for work up the list of priorities - it will give you self-esteem, purpose in getting out of the house, you will have work colleagues, and money. Also, you can look for work anywhere as you now have no ties to Whitstable.

Please try not to fixate on whether you will have a relationship in the future and see only the scenario of a lonely life from now on. You have lots to offer - your brother sees this and so do all of us. My experience (and I'm much older than you) is that unlikely things happen when you are ready and receptive. The best platform for now is to slowly build a circle of friends - I don't have a dog but I hear that going out walking with a dog opens up lots of opportunities to chat to people.

only4tonight · 09/03/2012 13:57

Undermyskin raises a great point about moving out of the area. Maybe you could move closer to your brother? Or to somewhere you have good job prospects.

SlightlyJaded · 09/03/2012 14:06

or old friends?

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 09/03/2012 14:12

London would be the best for work family old friends etc..........id have to think about that some more though!!

I have started putting some feelers out for work :)

Meeting Wellies for coffee saturday :) ... new hair do :).......brother staying over saturday night.....i wont be alone. :)

I really have seen what all the tears etc on his part were about hes trying to manipulate me, make himself look like the victim and hes probably a bit scared it wont work out!

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingagain88 · 09/03/2012 14:13

I will get there ...and im starting to BELIEVE that my life will be better within him! :)

OP posts:
izzyizin · 09/03/2012 14:16

Please print your thread off, cut out the post you made today at 13.22, laminate it, and keep it handy for when he tells you that he's made 'the biggest mistake of his life' and 'its you' he really loves.

Get quotes from builders, get your home sorted, and enjoy summer by the sea - which, coincidentally, is an optimum time to put the house on the market if your employment prospects will be brighter elsewhere.

only4tonight · 09/03/2012 14:20

He is crapping himself. By rights if you wanted to fight it you could take the house and a chunk of his business. He is going to be Skint without you bankrolling him and all he thought about up till now was getting his leg over. For him the future is a dark and scary place. For you though its filled with endless opportunities.

Maybe you could move to east Kent? Easy access to London but still on reaching distance of counryside and coast?

Ilovemypinkflowerywellies · 09/03/2012 14:24

You are doing great Smile

Anger is a fantastic healer, just for clarification unless we are flooded tomorrow I will not actually be wearing my pink flowerly welllies Grin