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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 06/03/2012 00:41

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

OP posts:
RoxyRobin · 09/03/2012 08:19

Distract yourself by planning what you're going to wear to meet pinkflowerywellies.

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 09/03/2012 08:20

i think this morning is the lowest ive every felt since monday night....i really feel scared lost and unable to cope....i trying to be positive but im at my lowest ebb now...

OP posts:
countingto10 · 09/03/2012 08:20

Been lurking Op, you are doing really well in very traumatic circumstances (have been in your position, DH upped and left for OW without warning leaving me with 4DSs) - this book was recommended to me by our Relate counsellor, you may find it very useful Smile.

Do not contact him, get very good legal advice and start working on yourself and your self esteem, start with having a long relaxing bath in the evening (it was about all I could manage in the beginning), try and put some makeup on (fake it til you make it etc, it does really work).

Good luck.

Ilovemypinkflowerywellies · 09/03/2012 08:37

Morning starting Smile

I'm loving that you have started the list of dislikes about him well done you. The loneliness in the first few days/weeks eats away at you. As inertia said try to do at least one or two tasks a day that you can focus on and try to save one of those for the evening something nice like painting your toenails bright red then you can admire them sat on your sofa watching what you want on your tv.

Try to stop thinking of the house as being his and yours it was yours first you can make it yours again. I laughed so much at 008 my kitchen got painted purple too it's fab

Keep going starting you are doing just great honestly and you did nothing wrong it's always all about them , they just like to offload some of the guilt by making you feel that perhaps it could be your fault I promise you it's not.

only4tonight · 09/03/2012 08:38

The shock is wearing off and grief kicking in. Again normal!

Little steps. Tomorrow see pinkwellies and het a hair cut and new look. Sunday you are going to see tour brother. How about today you download the couch to 5k podcasts and start running, maybe take the dog with you?

Ilovemypinkflowerywellies · 09/03/2012 08:42

Oh lovely girl I x posted with you I am sorry you are feeling so lost and alone.

You can cope you survived losing both your parents at an early age, you had a good job and you were by your own admission a bit of a high flyer.

You just let a man take a bit of youitr independence away. You still have all the tools you need inside to be strong again. Give those tools a bit of an oil and take things slowly. You are not alone, you have all of us on here and I'm looking forward to our coffee tomorrow too.

slowly slowly baby steps and you will get through this

oldwomaninashoe · 09/03/2012 08:49

Starting, yes you feel really low, and he is the cause of you feeling low, tell yourself that no-one is ever going to make you feel this bad ever again because you know you don't deserve this!

As everyone says, who has been through it, it does get better (promise) and often surprisingly quickly. Tell your dog all your toubles , pour it all out to him. My cat used to be a very patient listener Grin
and I did feel better for "getting it all out"

Don't allow him to make you feel this bad, you are doing so well!

fiventhree · 09/03/2012 08:51

Starting, do look again at your list 0f 10.

Brilliant idea Amazonian.

Here a are few more, about your partner:

  1. he was a liar
  2. he moves on from one woman to another, because he doesnt want to work hard enough to pay for his own place 13)he would have been impossible to parent with, financially 14)he wanted to be parented himself 15)he drank alot because he didnt want to tackle his underlying demons
  3. those underlying demons would have caused you untold trouble down the line
undermyskin · 09/03/2012 08:59

Morning Starting

PLEASE DON'T CALL HIM - you will only end up feeling worse and playing into his hands

These are really hard days. Try and distract yourself with something practical or take the dog out for long walk

YusMilady · 09/03/2012 09:01

Hi Starting, I've just found your thread. I just wanted to say that you sound like a lovely person and I know you're going to be OK. Today will be a good day for you, and tomorrow will be better. xx

CurrySpice · 09/03/2012 09:09

Don't call.

I think you should try and get out of the house. Shipping. Pictures. Gym. Gallery. Lunch at a little pub with the paper. Massage at a spa. Walk on the seafront and tea and cake in a little cafe.

Get out and occupy yourself xxx

Diggs · 09/03/2012 09:20

I need to know what an anal stratch is !

CurrySpice · 09/03/2012 09:21

Don't google because the picture on wiki is not something you want to see at this time of the morning Wink

SlightlyJaded · 09/03/2012 09:30

Morning Starting

I am in AWE of you, I really am. You only have to spend an hour on MN to realise how many women take months/years to get to the place you have already reached. Amazing.

DO NOT CALL HIM

YOU ARE NOT 'PLAN B' - do NOT give him that option.

This is about as bad as you will ever feel. The first time the shock wears off and the sadness really takes hold. It's understandable that as the numbness subsides, you will hurt but it is temporary.

Next will come anger WHICH IS A GOOD THING.

Hold out for that

PinkWellies tomorrow
Brother on Sunday
Team Starting here all day every day

RoxyRobin · 09/03/2012 09:34

I thought it was something to do with being in a male prison (doing a stretch) and something that would be of concern to DH if he turned to a life of crime, him being a bit of a pretty boy and all. I take it it's not - though I shan't google. I've learnt from bitter experience not to google stuff I've read about on mn.

mummytime · 09/03/2012 09:52

I think that would be a good MN T-shirt slogan "I am not plan B".
Starting try to keep busy, think about colours you'd like to use to paint, or whatever is your speciality for prettying up the house. Keep active, and give those builders a call. You have no idea how much stuff will cost until you talk to a few.

Diggs · 09/03/2012 10:07

My eyes ! - staggers to bathroom to vomit

captainmummy · 09/03/2012 10:10

Of course you're lonely, starting, he's left a huge hole in your life. He was parent, partner, child, entire-social-circle... but you've now got Pinkwellies, your brother, us in your life, where we weren't before.

Keep going. Every day, every hour, every night makes you stronger and further away from this.

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 09/03/2012 10:30

Just had my first shower since Monday!! made some calls regarding work, having a cup of tea and a biscuit (first thing ive eaten since monday night) Blush

OP posts:
CurrySpice · 09/03/2012 10:31

Starting, how about reading some of the threads on here from ladies who have had the same devastating news as you, gone down to the bottom and have climbed out again. You may find it inspiring and it sure helps pass the time

I think you will be surprised to see just how often these men repeat the exact same behaviour / lines / shit - like the bit about this all being your fault

It's not and if you see what a load of cliched bollocks it is, it might help you

mummytime · 09/03/2012 10:36

Congratulations! You've taken two big steps (Shower and eat). If you really aren't eating, try to get some Ensure (or if losing weight isn't an issue Slimfast) just so you get some nutrients, and whilst you are there buy a multi-vitamin!

twresearcher · 09/03/2012 10:50

Starting, Not in the same position has you but wish you all the best in your new adventure. Hope you enjoy your meet with pink flowery on Sat & brother on Sunday. You are not alone.

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 09/03/2012 10:52

Thank you all Thanks- you have been so supportive- i can honestly say that i wouldn't be able to do this without you!...what amazes me is the number of different emotions i am going through in one day.......

It feels like a death- and i got through that before- twice- it was hard very hard but i did get there.

OP posts:
Silverthorns · 09/03/2012 10:57

I'm glad you're meeting a poster for coffee tomorrow. That's exactly what you need, a mate to just take you out of this crappy situation for an hour or so, and to realise that you can and will make new friends and move on.

befuzzled · 09/03/2012 11:24

Hi Starting, been lurking on your thread and just wanted to say how well I think you're doing - still such early days and you are already finding moments of strength and making plans - it will only get better for you. 2 things struck me about the situation and your recent posts:

  1. This guy would have been an absolute fucking nightmare as a parent. Being a parent is quite hard work and having him as your partner in it would have been shit. You have had a lucky escape. And you have plenty of time to have children with a better person.
  1. He thinks you have no one to talk to apart from him and no friends. That gives him power over you. That is no longer true. That is the old you. In a few short days you have had the strength to post on MN - you have us, you are already making friends and meeting people and have re-connected with your brother. Imagine how much better your life will be in a few weeks/months with even more people in it - not just a loser like him. Hugs. Keep going!
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