In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

[Startingagain88]

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

I need to get past this....... i'm frozen :)

Starting, are you about or have you managed to get back to sleep? Am on for a couple of minutes before I have to go in the shower.

Well done for speaking to your brother, he sounds supportive which is a great help. Could you go and visit him and his family for a weekend? It'd be good company for you - and then you're not around if ex continues to keep tabs on you. Maybe change the locks on the house first.

Inertia-No i still cant sleep :( My brother may be coming down on Sunday- i cant really go up there this weekend cos of the dog and i cant take him with me- cetainly not giving him to ExDP and OW for the weekend.........!

Thanks you so much for responsing the evenings/nights are really hard for me at the moment................. :(

It feels like you're alone now, but gradually the 'alone' will turn into 'free' - free to live the life you choose, rather than a life bankrolling what your ex wants.

And you're never truly alone when you have the support of mumsnet - Team Starting has all of us standing by you and backing you, plus your nice brother and your dog (and more to come IRL, I bet). Team Ex is Ex , OW , and a van and a bag of spanners (and the van and spanners are half yours).

That made me laugh.. :) sun is coming up now which makes a big difference....i suppose i just dont want to go through the pain of this- i know i cant avoid it- but it is so hard. These last few days have seemed so long and painful............

Trying to think practically here - is there something you could plan to keep you busy? Could you give yourself say 2 practical tasks each day (eg change locks, ring bank ) and then in the evenings something to look forward to ? Maybe try cooking a new recipe, or sign up to Pinterest and plan your dream holidays, or read books that you never got round to, or watch films Ex would hate? Can you take the dog to new parks for big walks?

Got to get ready for work now - hope you have a good day.

Thank you inertia- you too

Well you got through the night with some sleep at least - congratulate yourself!

Ex may have the OW at the moment but try not to torture yourself about that. After a short while, any gloss will certainly wear off and his smelly armpits, beery breath and boring brain will be far less alluring.

Focus on yourself and your dog for now. Go for a good long walk together, make yourself lots of hot tea and toast. Draw up a proper list - practicalities re money and exp's stuff. Close any joint accounts and set one up in your sole name.

Do you have any claim on his business earnings or assets? i know you have said you're not bothered and he can have the lot etc but you are saying this in the white heat of shock and sadness. Once that wears off in two weeks you might well feel very different!!

A free half hour with a solicitor might help clarify your mind on this.

You will be fine. Believe me and all the others on here who tell you so. Your life without this cheating exploitative stink-bomb using up all your time, love and enegery, will improve immeasurably.

I'm up, been reading your thread and wanted to say how well you're doing. get the power back.

do things on YOUR terms. Dont let him call the shots. he won't be able to handle it.

can you get out some good feel-good DVDs and snuggle on sofa with your gorgeous dog? will help pass the time! small pleasures - but have always helped me through dark patches

thinking of you

Good morning Starting
It is very difficult and will be for some time - when I had a breakup many years ago now- i couldn't sleep properly for some time. Entirely normal and thankfully 'this too will pass'

How about going to the gym? Even if just for a
Swim or sauna.

Do something nice for yourself each day - even if it's just putting on nail polish!

Thank you all so much......

I have a appointment with my solicitor next week....

I dont know whether this is normal but the nights and the mornings are the worst....... im wandering around the house lost...im sorry to say that this morning i was looking at old photos and thinking why why has this happened to us?

I dont want to feel sorry for myself, but i am being weak at the moment- this house reminds me of him...i am so frightened of my future and what it will bring, i need to make friends and at some time in the distance begin another relationship....i wouldnt even know where to start........ i still love him- how could he do this to me the person he said he loved so much........?

I think it´s completely normal.

Which is why I painted my kitchen purple.

At about 4am.

It does hurt, and I found that I had to be physically distracted. I took up running (at about 5am) but it was those dark early morning hours that sucked.

On the upside, the place got decorated and I got REALLY fit and slim ...

You´re not weak, you´re being really strong. You´ve only known for a few days and yet you ARE moving forward. Keep moving - sending you love this morning. x

Do you really still love him ..? Or do you love the idea of him? The future you had planned??

Things will get better and you will feel free not lost and you will feel excited about the future you will plan for yourself xx

Thank you 008, i know i will get there but i feel paralysed at the moment.....

Liars- Your probably right in the fact that i miss the idea of him and his physical presence in the house....I also miss our 'plans' the future seems so empty at the moment..........

I CAN feel the love in my direction!

Im also starting to torture myself about whether there were things i could have done.....he was a lovely person when we got together and we were very happy most of the time........

Did i listen to him enough?did i make myself attractive to him? did i treat him with respect?.......we werent prefect i know that -but i REALLY REALLY NEVER thought he would do this to me and in such a hurtful way- i just cant get my head around that.

WHY DIDNT HE SIT ME DOWN AND TALK TO ME SERIOUSLY IF HE THOUGHT THERE WERE REAL PROBLEMS?? We may have been be able to salvage it....now that is no longer possible.....

At the moment i cant see a way out of the pain im feeling......:(

I know. We can't help torturing ourselves - it's like picking at a scab

He knows very well that i dont have any friends- so why when i get upset in front of him- why does he say i cant talk to you about that youll have to talk to someone else- he knows i havent got anyone else - how cruel is that?

Roxy- youre telling me. :)

i'm really desperate to call him now.............. :)

Darling it wasnt you. He probably didn't intend to hurt you he just didn't care enough not to. There was nothing you could have done.

Don't!! We'll have to smack your hand if you touch that phone!

He doesn't want to see you upset because he doesn't want the guilt. Your feelings don't matter. And never have done. He cheated on you while you were grieving for your dad ffs.

It's not about what you did, it's about him. He wanted you to pay for him to play at doing a job he fancied so he had enough time to spend with OW. He wants you to carry on subsidizing him.

Don't ring. Write a letter to him, rip it up. Keep writing and ripping til you've said it all.