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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 06/03/2012 00:41

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 08/03/2012 18:56

Sod all that heart on a sleeve business. And stop wondering if he's depressed. He is doing just fine and he is shagging his new girlfriend. He is completely finished with you. He will put up with all sorts of crap from her he loves it all and he is not ripe for the rescuing, by you. He is playing games with you by complaining about her. Do not get sucked in. One woman is not enough for his ego. He would absolutely love to have two of you competing for him. Don't go there.

As soon as the paperwork is all done and dusted, stop talking to him and start making your holiday plans.

Get someone in to give a valuation of the house, estimated cost of repairs and finishing the renovation, and keep it handy in case he changes his tune about all that friendship baloney (very likely).

only4tonight · 08/03/2012 19:05

Ha he is complaining about her already! Wow we all predicted that would come. But within hours? That must be a new record.

He seems very predictable. Sheilds up time because I give it a week before he wants to try again with you. Please starting, please don't go back there. It is a long way to go back as you have come so far already.

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 08/03/2012 19:46

Only, you must be psychic- just received a text from EXDP checking that im ok-i replied im fine thx! :) He texted again and i havent replied- i need to move on from this!:)

OP posts:
008 · 08/03/2012 19:51

Loving that you are not replying.

Stay strong and get looking at all the places you can visit in the US! There´s a tv series called Diners, drive throughs and dives where you can eat some suprisingly good food. See if you can find an episode ... (don`t know if it was on in the UK, am abroad, though, unfortunately, not in the US!)

charlearose · 08/03/2012 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 08/03/2012 19:57

No more replies to his silly texts. He doesn't care how you are. He is playing games with you. Ignore him.

mathanxiety · 08/03/2012 19:59

You need to make yourself a little mysterious.

He thinks from your reply that you are sitting there with your phone in your hand waiting for contact from him. No matter what you reply, he will get this message. Don't stroke his ego this way.

AwkwardMary · 08/03/2012 20:04

Great to hear that you're begining to move on! SO glad your DB is coming to see you too....family is so important. Your ex sounds like he's having a hard time..GOOD! Smile

Its probably because he senses you seeing the light!

charlearose · 08/03/2012 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 08/03/2012 20:13

charlea Wow wouldnt want to get on the wrong side of you :) ......im am getting angry slowly....I was fuming this morning...but this evening i feel quite calm (at the moment...)

Math-youre right- im getting there..

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingagain88 · 08/03/2012 20:15

Charlea- x posts !-i understand!- many thanks for your support- at the moment its MN getting me through this...........

OP posts:
Xales · 08/03/2012 20:17

Look after yourself.

Stay strong.

Be prepared for lots of ups and downs you will be mourning for the loss of your relationship and your dreams of the future.

Practically. Can I suggest you pop to an STI clinic. Don't trust that he has not slept with this woman and you have no knowledge of her past sexual history.

One last thing. I have noticed a few times. Be prepared for a wedding/pregnancy announcement in an indecent short time. A lot of people do this.

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 08/03/2012 20:24

Xales...really that never even entered my mind....has that been posted at lot on here?

OP posts:
Xales · 08/03/2012 20:34

I have seen it a couple of times on here.

Just seems to be something I have noticed that (sorry I want to use men!) men leave a long term relationship where they were engaged for ages but never got married, planned to have children but hadn't started and suddenly do it all straight away with another.

I think just preparing yourself for the worse heartache and nothing he does to you then can be THAT bad.

AnyFucker · 08/03/2012 20:44

yes, and remember that any money you give him will go towards his wedding/new baby if that is the case

izzyizin · 08/03/2012 20:48

What tends to happen is that they get the ow up the duff, or she gets herself that way in order to seal her hold on the prize twat, and suddenly the piece of grass they left looks a fuck of a lot greener than the spot they're currently standing on.

Cue the 'I've made the biggest mistake of my life' speech

Whatever else twunts of this ilk may be, original thinkers they are not.

izzyizin · 08/03/2012 20:55

It is curious how tediously predictable they are.

My theory is that, at some point in their lives, all of them spend a term or two at St Cuntberts School for Twats & Twunts learning the not so fine arts of deception and cake-eating.

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 08/03/2012 21:22

I always struggle with the loneliness at night.....starting to get upset again- jesus...angry ...calm and tearful all in one day..im exhausted......... :(

OP posts:
LiarsWife · 08/03/2012 21:28

Did you speak to your brother again Starting

mathanxiety · 08/03/2012 21:32

Money you give him will be pissed against a wall eventually.

LOL at St Cuntberts Grin
So very true...

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 08/03/2012 21:33

Not yet hes calling after ten.............. :)

OP posts:
UnlikelyAmazonian · 08/03/2012 21:54

It's only been two days. You will feel shit for quite a few evenings yet.

But not as shit as you would feel for the next ten years if he turned up with a suitcase right now and asked to come back and you let him in.

Have you addressed all the practicalities mentioned above?

Also, can you give us all at least two things your ex did that annoyed the fuck out of you? I could do with a laugh tonight.

eg:

  1. My ex farted like a rhino then wanted sex.

  2. He never shut drawers or cupboards, just left them open with pants sticking out.

  3. He was a cheating thieving lying dissembling pervert (in the words of his own therapist after he had left)

  4. He never washed up

Your turn..

[settles down with chocolate]

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 08/03/2012 22:03
  1. He drank too much
  2. He didnt wash that often
  3. His teeth were horrible
  4. He wasnt that intelligent

Ive got more............... :)

OP posts:
fengirl1 · 08/03/2012 22:07

Ooooh! Well done starting! Can I join in?

  1. he only kissed me if he wanted sex.

  2. he never backed me up on anything

  3. if I was ill he told me to pull myself together, if he had a cold he was hell to live with

I've got more but it's your turn again!

UnlikelyAmazonian · 08/03/2012 22:07

OMG. What is it with the teeth and hygiene of these shite men? There is definitely a pattern.

Ladies, when you meet a man, always but always check their teeth and smell their armpits before doing anything rash like living with them.

He sounds awful starting. Thank god you are young enough to have solar panelling and fuck the roof.