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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 06/03/2012 00:41

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

OP posts:
Startingagain88 · 08/03/2012 13:32

Just spoke to my brother at length and he is absolutely shocked.... doesn't understand it.....hes quite analytical and not really that good with emotional things but he was great-, he was a work but hes going to give me a call this evening and talk things through......
Hes offered to come down for this weekend which i need as im not looking forward to being here on my own on sunday.
He said that he will help me in any way he can, money etc and not to worry about anything- big brothers :)

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 08/03/2012 13:41

Good news, starting! Smile

PooPooInMyToes · 08/03/2012 13:43

Aah that's lovely! What a lovely brother!

I understand about being scared about getting workmen in. Think i posted about it before. One step at a time. First step get quotes. That's not too scary! Don't agree to anything there and then, say you'll let them know. One step at a time!

cenicienta · 08/03/2012 13:44

Hi, been lurking on your thread. Just want to say You CAN do this on your own! You met exp when you were very young so it's understandable that you think you can't manage. But you absolutely can!

And there's still time for you to meet someone else and have children, though you will need to detach from this guy first and start believing that you don't actually need a man to survive.

Keep coming back here and please do listen to all the brilliant advice. You will detach and move on much quicker if you do.

You sound very strong actually, hurt, but strong.

LiarsWife · 08/03/2012 13:46

That's great news Starting see between your brother and Pinkwellies you're no longer on your own .. and I'm sure there will be more joining your club soon x

CurrySpice · 08/03/2012 14:08

And all of us Liars!

So glad you told your brother and he gave you just what you needed. Good for him and you

Now change htose locks. I am enjoying the thought of his face when he realises he can't get in

Ilovemypinkflowerywellies · 08/03/2012 14:13

Just checking in on you starting, so glad you have spoken to your brother you need all the support you can get.

You will find that you go from coping to despair very easily for a good few weeks/months yet but you are doing so well its VERY early days but you have already thought about practical things like finances well done.

My sister had her first baby at 38 and one of my other friends at 42 so don't feel you've lost any chance, just that things are a bit different from the plan you had.

Of course seeing him will set you back but you can bounce back again, you are already doing so much better than I did in the first few days Smile

izzyizin · 08/03/2012 14:26

Of course he doesn't want to hear how bad things are for you. He's more than pleased with himself because he's got 2 women vying for his affections - one to bankroll him and the other to get his leg over with - and he doesn't want anything to bring him down from his high.

You've talked to him on the phone while the ow has been listening in. The ow has heard you begging? How humiliating is that? And how much did that boost his over-inflated ego?

Don't degrade yourself for this total tosser a moment longer. Change your locks (it's an easy job - get your db to help you do it this weekend), don't dispense so much as one more single penny to the tosser and go completely no contact with him - and don't answer the phone/respond to any texts from him as you have no further need of his 'services'.

If you haven't done so already, bag his stuff up, put it outside your house and send him one final text telling him to collect it before the binmen call. Don't be tempted to peer out of the window or answer the door when he rolls up to cart it away.

If you follow the advice you've been given here and cut the tosser dead, it's a given that in the not too distant future he'll back spouting the usual old bollocks about having made the biggest mistake of his life, it's you he really loves, blah de blah.

Don't be fooled because the subtext is that the ow found him lacking and booted him out. Hopefully, by the time this happens, you'll have realised just how lacking he is and you won't want to go anywhere near her reject.

Of course you can't turn your feelings off like a tap, but ask yourself what feelings do you have for him? Living with him was as dull as ditchwater; unstimulating and unfulfilling and with only more of the same to look forward to.

If you're scared of being alone in the house, get a burglar alarm fitted and leave some lights on at night. But you're not alone, you've got your canine pal to cuddle and watch out for you and you've got pals here that you can 'chat' to in the wee small hours should sleep elude you.

He has done you a favour by leaving because you are now free for the first time in 15 years to start living life as it's meant to be lived - with brio.

Ask your neighbours for recommendations for builders - who knows, you may have a good one living nearby. In any event, get 3 quotes from firms and ask to see examples of their work/meet satisfied customers before you make a decision - again, this is something your db can help you with.

If you haven't done so already, clear his crap out of your bedroom and go buy yourself some new bedding and look foward to the weekend - the sun's shining and your future is now bright with promise.

Btw, him have a claim on your house? Not a chance, and if he were to try it on he'd have to lay a considerable sum down before any solicitor would take it on.

mathanxiety · 08/03/2012 14:58

Afraid of being ripped off if you try getting the house sorted out by yourself?

Darling, you have been well and truly ripped off already.

mathanxiety · 08/03/2012 15:00

'He keeps saying he wants to keep things- amicable- but he doesn't want to hear how bad i feel because of his actions or the mess he has left behind.'

Oh hardeharhar. What a comedian.

undermyskin · 08/03/2012 15:13

Sounds like your weekend is filling up nicely. Now you just need to see if you can fit in a builder or two to come and give you a quote Smile

RachyRach30 · 08/03/2012 15:46

Arrr that's lovely, your brother sounds really helpful and kind. See it wasn't that bad.

Why don't you have a whole new look. Different colour, different cut. Why not hey?

It's always worst in the night but you will get through it. One day you will wake up and not feel the pain anymore. One day at a time.

izzyizin · 08/03/2012 15:50

Amicable - shamicable. Tell him to go screw himself because when the ow chucks him out, screwing himself will be his only option and he might as well get used to it now.

36 yrs old, no dc, own house by the sea, canine companion, feeling bereft and shaky after ending of 15 yr relationship... good grief, you can't even being to imagine the legions of women who would swop places with you in a heartbeart!

izzyizin · 08/03/2012 15:52

begin - not 'being'. Same letters, different meaning.

LiarsWife · 08/03/2012 16:04

Hey Izzy you stealing my STBX's patter?? Wink

I'm sure you don't feel that lucky just now Starting but see how you feel in a couple of weeks :)

izzyizin · 08/03/2012 16:28

It's age-old humour, honey - you know your your liar's not clever enough to come up with original lines and he doesn't 'get it' anyway. Jeez, who else would come up with promises-schmomises?! Grin

Saffysmum · 08/03/2012 17:00

Starting - just checking in to see how you are, am very impressed by you! You're doing so well, and it's such early days. You will be on a rollercoaster of emotions for a while, so expect the dips, and ride them out. I'd be fine for a few days, then have days when I just wanted to hide under the duvet and disappear.

As for him wanting to be friends, it's what they do - it's all in the script.

They want to keep us onside, that way they still have some control, and, crucially, they feel less bad about what they've done, it salves their conscience. The reality of it all - the devastation - is not what they want to face. They think their happiness is paramount, so reality and facing the fallout of the actions isn't on their agenda. So if they can say, "oh, we split up, but we're still friends" they think they save face.

My ex once said, in the early days, to one of our kids, "when me and your mum split up....." and I quickly interrupted him with, "no, that's wrong, when you left us". I did this because he needed it hammering home that he needed to own this, it was all his decision to throw away a family life and 22 years of marriage. They do this - it's in the script...page 102 "Let's rewrite history". (Yawn).

As for staying 'friends' - I'm a very lucky woman, I have a close circle of wonderful friends. Ex will never be my 'friend' because friends don't treat people the way that that he treated me. Why on earth would I want to be friends with a lying, egotistical betrayer? So that's a myth that I exploded before he left; I told him that we would never be friends, and we won't.

Keep going, you're doing really well, glad brother's on board - lean on him X

Startingagain88 · 08/03/2012 18:16

EXDP fixed the roof at last..........he sat himself down at the kitchen table and proceeded to tell me his work problems etc........hes still saying that he wasnt shagging the OW 'then' yeah right..i dont believe him and i said so......

I actually dont feel that angry with her which surprises me- its him...i really think he might be depressed and confused at the moment he looked like shit....but thats not my problem anymore he made his bed.......

Apparently hes not in a relationship with this woman but hes living there, and she has told him he cant be with me in the evenings....but their not in a relationship.....(i said i thought you said i was controlling? :)

He said he wants to help me and give me advice......he wants us to be friends...cant talk about the emotions of it because is so hard for him....he doesn't regret our 15 years together (thats big of him!) .....blah blah

Been looking at some holidays his afternoon- one travelling across US has caught my eye always wanted to do that!

Brother calling later..........

OP posts:
Chrononaut · 08/03/2012 18:21

Nice to see your being positive Starting :D keep that up!

also I'd block your exdp from texting you for a while if i were you. Your not there to chat or be friends! he needs to learn he cant have his cake and eat it

Xales · 08/03/2012 18:30

You need to stop letting him sit down and tell you all his woes. It keeps you feeling close as if you still have some sort of connection. Then he goes off hand in trousers whistling leaving you feeling like shit and you ar not allowed to share how you feel!!

I think it can be very easy for men to make themselves look unkempt/shit. Not shaving, dirty work clothes and fixing a leak will do that easy. As soon as he gets home, shaves, puts on clean clothes and starts a happy smiling conversation with his new love you wouldn't think it was the same man.

Not allowed to see you in the evenings?? Pull the other one why would he or even want to when he can spend warm cosy evenings with the new love rather than the one who has been hit by a bus and is not sleeping? It sounds go though doesn't it? Pity me I would be here if I could but I am not allowed... There is that little ray of hope thrown at you to keep you dangling.

You deserve better!!

TheLastNameLeft · 08/03/2012 18:31

Starting, I love that you called him your EXDP a couple of posts ago Grin

Well done XX

RoxyRobin · 08/03/2012 18:36

Smile at your 'controlling' jibe and Grin at the fact that he's being bossed around already.

So he wanted to discuss his work problems (subtext 'all contributions gratefully received') did he? Well, don't forget they are his problems now - don't be sucked in and be a sucker.

QuintessentialyHollow · 08/03/2012 18:41

Really you should stop listening to him, and you should not let him confide in you. You are not his friend. He has dumped you after all.
Next time he start talking to you about his problems, just change the topic and tell him to go talk to HER about these issues as they are not your problem.

mummytime · 08/03/2012 18:50

Oh travelling across the US sounds great to me too!
Now as you don't like the house do get a nice friendly estate agent in (a nice local one not F), and get their honest appraisal of how much the house is worth as is, and what it is most crucial you do.

QueenCess · 08/03/2012 18:56

Get an arsenal of brush off phrases at your disposal:

' Yes, that must be very difficult '
' really, I never realised...you are going to have to think carefully how to proceed'
' how creative! '
' well a challenge keeps life fresh doesn't it? '
' sorry I'd love to but circumstances don't permit. '
' nevermind you will sort it out '
' we will have to continue this conversation another time, I'm just off out.'
' Well, thank-you for sharing.'
' I understand your need to share but it's not a need I have.'

If he turns nasty I find a simple, ' sorry but you seem to have confused me with someone who gives a rat's arse what you have to say ' quite helpful.