In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

[Startingagain88]

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

"He says he wants to be my 'friend'."

He wants to keep you sweet so he can rinse as much money out of you as he dares, more like :( He's anxious about getting cash, not about keeping you as a friend. That's worth being nice for him. He's a cheat, he has decided to do this, he lives with the consequences. He has expertly turned it around so he is the pitied one, not you- the one who he CHEATED ON.

He is exploiting the fact that you're used to taking care of him in order to get some money before he swans off with this new person and never bothers with you again. It's filthy behaviour.

NYAC there so much to do its seems so overwhelming plus i want to get it done asap as i cant see myself living here long term i never liked this house he did!

You could get a couple of builders in just to give you a quote on finishing the work.

So basically he got you to spend your money on a house he liked.

Hiya,

What do you think you will do then. Will you sell the house?

Work wise will you go back to your old job? It sounds quite interesting travelling round the world.

starting I have been lurking on your thread and don't have much to add to the brilliant advice you have had.

You said that it would be expensive to fix the urgent repairs - it'll cost you a lot more if he does the work then stakes a bigger claim on the house. I would get the urgent work done by professionals and keep all receipts as proof of remedial work needed to repair damage he has done. You also need to make sure you take what is owed to you from the business and legally disentangle yourself from it, otherwise you might find yourself paying for his business failures in the future.

We understand how much you want life to go back to how it was - but that life is not coming back. Even if he did come back, you know that you'd never trust him again, emotionally or financially. I know it's hard when you feel you have nobody in real life to speak to, and I know it's hard to do new things when you are on your own. Could you talk to the Samaritans, so that you can offload to somebody who is not your partner?

Hello OP and can I just say how my heart has clenched for you on this thread you poor woman

It never ceases to amaze me how these men are so fucking predictable. When do they get given the script

Just wanted to say that not being married works to your advantage, legally. If you were married, he could claim half of everything, automatically. As you are not, he can't - or at least it will cost him a lot to do so

What about changing the locks. It's your house and will stop him turning up when you're out and give you back some control

Good luck to you. You can do this and you will

Starting .. As I said earlier, you are me 3 years ago. I too had that kind of relationship with ex 'd'p. I kept the house he left with a van that I'd paid for and just his tools that I also paid for.

He begged me with tears to bank roll him further and my foolish heart felt sorry for him and kept doing it until after about a year and I hardened up it was then he confessed to a large number of affairs during our life together as part of making himself feel better.

The hardest thing I did was walk away .. Albeit in tears.. But walk away I did and now I wish I'd been tougher .. I know I 'd be richer but the way I see it my life is much richer without him in it , it just took me a while to realise it.

Yes it is harder and yes I did have to learn to change fuses and decorate etc but my goodness I'm so much happier even though I get it all wrong sometimes, and I promise you will be happy again one day too.

Only you can decide what is right for you but trust your instincts he has taken your pride for now don't let him take all your money too ... You deserve better!

at him asking you for money .

Starting , its been only 48 hours , its not long and i know your really struggling , but please , dont give him money . This is the time where you really need to think practicly . Just because you feel something doesnt mean its right or you must act on it . Its a feeling , and it will pass and seem differant hour by hour .

As for freind , who needs freinds like that ? The reason his business is doing shit is because hes probably spent all his time round at Ows . Seriously , no more money , for anything . You could have paid someone else to do the roof .You no longer support him and you def do not support the Ow .

Consider yourself very told off by everyone in the kindest possible way .

Get the roof done asap by someone else.

Had a bad night last night, tried to get some rest but woke at 3.30 and couldnt get back to sleep.....its very quiet where I live and its just me and the dog went to get a drink and realise that this is now- just me alone in the house and it was very frightening.....

Tried to get back to sleep but couldnt, texted exdp to tell him to come round at a later time than we rearranged because i hadnt slept- he texted back- that was it i called him- im ashamed to say that i needed to hear his voice.

I told him how scared and upset i had been and that i still love him (i know i know), and he said that i shouldnt tell him that. that he isnt coming back. I could tell the OW was in the background, i told him that i cant just switch my feelings off in 48 hrs and that is how i still feel and he should understand that.

I know what was stupid but i think this has really helped me.....the way he was so cold an inifferent to me has finally made me realise, HE IS NOT COMING BACK, HE NO LONGER LOVES ME, HE IS LIVING WITH THE OW AN THE AFFAIR HAD BEEN GOING ON FOR SOME TIME.

Honestly Starting - read your thread again, from top to bottom and see how far you've come in only a few hours.

I know it's diffficult to suddenly stop feeling things for him - we are programmed to be caring and protective, and that doesn't stop just like that. But he has done you a huge wrong, and he is still trying to make out he's not done a huge wrong - that he's somehow the 'good' guy, a decent guy, by fixing stuff for you. You don't want him to dislike you by throwing it back in his face.

Get angry instead. Get pinkwellies DH to come and atleast look at the roof andstuff.

You CAN DO this.

Starting I know how you feel trying to cling to him for something, anything. You do feel like you still need him. I did too. With my ex I had an exam in a field which was his specialist subject (he was naturally academic despite dropping out of a top uni as he lacked commitment - yes I see the irony) I felt like I needed him to see me through. He was helping me while hiding his other woman.

It wasnt until that phone call when I said splitting up was the best for both of us, months later, when contact started to slide. I didn't know where that line came from but I knew if I called him I was too weak not to back track. He started to let contact go too.

A few months still after that he started friendly texting again. I had just started very tentatively dating now dh (we took it very very slowly to start with) 1 particular night I received loads of texts. I noticed that I didn't want to hear from him any more, in fact I resented his intrusion into my night and my life. I wanted to hear from now dh, it was him who I could relax and be me with. It was only then I realised I was finally free.

Even if things hadn't worked out with dh I would still have been free. It wasn't about having another man to turn to (this night was nearly a year after I split with ex) it was about the fact that I had found who I was again, under all that crap, and I didn't want to be anyone else again.

Please learn from my mistakes. You can heal much quicker than I did. Step away! He is no good for you and he is not helping by coming around he is stopping you being free. Don't pay his Dd pay a builder instead!

Captain , what you are staying is true im shaking typing this- HE HAS DONE ME A HUGE WRONG, WHAT HE HAS DONE ISNT RIGHT, AND HE OBVIOUSLY DOESNT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME- my heart is saying this cant be true after 15 years and is finding hard to accept and feels scared, lonely and overwelmed by it all , my head is saying THIS GUY IS A WANKER AND SHE IS WELCOME TO HIM.

I am getting there but this relationship had become a 15 yr habit and habits are hard to break :(

Thank you ONLY- my heart is saying that i still need him, that i cant do this alone, that i will never been happy again, and no other man will even want me...but my head is saying GET BACK TO WORK, EARN SOME MONEY, MEET NEW FRIENDS,TRAVEL THIS COULD BE THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU...

But its hard, i know i sound really weak here but he was my world for a very long time and im finding it hard to accept.....

Starting - I know it's scary, of course it is, being on your own for the first time-well, ever! It is also empowering, every day you wake up and you've done another night in your own bed. Everytime you cook exactly what you feel like eating, or watch crap on TV, or decorate a room how you like it.

15 year habits are indeed hard to break, but think about how you would feel if he came back. Honestly. Put yourself in that position now. Howwuld you feel, having him there? A huge rush of love? Or sickened? Cringing? Bilious?

You may be on your own, but you are not alone!!

Habits are hard to break but they are breakable!

I'll echo Only don't pay his DDs - pay a builder instead .. get YOUR house done up and YOUR house sold

I'm sorry you had to go through that call but sounds like it may have helped you reach the angry stage which will allow you to look after yourself!

If you are having trouble sleeping ask your gp for sleeping pills - they helped me (she only gave me 14)

xx

Of course you are finding it hard. It's normal. Maybe see if tour doc would refer you to a therapist. Mine utterly changed me and my life for the better.

Reality is if he came back you could not be happy with himn. Your posts on here say you weren't even happy before all this so how could you be happy now?

Life with him WILL be unhappy if he came back. The future is bleak.

Life without him has the chance of being great!

He still needs you to need him. Fuck what he needs. From today forward it is all about you! You are your no 1 and that is no less than you deserve.

Oh and the beauty of starting out with no friends is that 10 years later you can post details on an anonymous forum and no sod will realise that its you as you are no so different from the person you were.

Of course you are finding it hard. It's normal. Maybe see if tour doc would refer you to a therapist. Mine utterly changed me and my life for the better.

Reality is if he came back you could not be happy with himn. Your posts on here say you weren't even happy before all this so how could you be happy now?

Life with him WILL be unhappy if he came back. The future is bleak.

Life without him has the chance of being great!

He still needs you to need him. Fuck what he needs. From today forward it is all about you! You are your no 1 and that is no less than you deserve.

Starting big ((hug)), the waking in the early hours is normal. The feeling that you cannot cope alone is all normal.
I went to the doctor and got a short supply of sleeping tablets because trying to function on very little sleep was slewing my judgement on everything. I know some people are scared of taking sleeping tablets but just two weeks worth got my sleeping back on track.
You sound like you have reached the point where you realise he has moved on and it hurts like hell of course it does. Nobody expects you to bounce back today or anyday soon you have to grieve for the loss of your relationship and what you saw as your whole future.
Just take one day, even one hour at a time if you need to, your ex is not the only man capable of mending a roof or putting in a bathroom suite and you only need to deal with what is urgent not everything at once.
I can help you if you want me to with somebody that can do all that for you ( that does not charge the earth) but only if and when you are ready.

Keep posting lots of people on here have been through what you are going through and talking if only to the big wide world on here makes you feel less alone.

Thank you so much everyone- you are right i couldnt have him back i would never be able to forgive what he has done to me..........

I told him yesterday that i had told my solictor, accountant etc what he had one ie left for another woman and he didnt like that, he wants to be seen as a good guy like he is trying to do right by me help me etc....

Even the way he puts things- you werent happy, you didnt love me etc etc....its like he wants me to believe that i wanted this too...i didnt....i had no idea he was going to leave

Sorry it's hurting so much StartingAgain. You will get through this - one foot in front of the other.

Maybe you needed to make the phonecall just to hear what exactly is true and what sort of a person he is. He'll take your money, but not your phonecalls, even though it's him that owes you after 15 years together.

Are you seeing him again? I think you should avoid that if you can.

Wellies, thank you! i am managing to get some sleep now but im still on the sofa im afraid! Im glad to hear all my feeling are normal i thought i was going mad!

He keeps saying he wants to keep things- amicable- but he doesn't want to hear how bad i feel because of his actions or the mess he has left behind.

You guys and my dog are getting me through this :) hes just given me a huge sloppy kiss :)

Even the way he puts things- you werent happy, you didnt love me etc etc....its like he wants me to believe that i wanted this too...i didnt....i had no idea he was going to leave - he is tryingto justify his actions, by making out that you were unhappy and somehow caused this, and wanted this. You didn't, HE DID! He had the affair. He is trying to cast the blame onto you, somehow, anyhow.

Don't listen to that. He's pathetic. He needs to take responsibilty for his affair, not cast it onto you.