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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 06/03/2012 00:41

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

OP posts:
only4tonight · 07/03/2012 19:52

So fixing things is his trade and he can't fix a leak in 2 days? No wonder he is Skint. Or could he be playing you?

RabidEchidna · 07/03/2012 19:53

Tell him to get his whore to cover his DDs
Bloody cheek, man he knows what buttons to push doesn't he, let me help you, let me save you, oh and can I have money Hmm

AnyFucker · 07/03/2012 20:01

erm, this man is the "whore" not this poor OW who just chose herself a life with this fuckwit

who knows what this nob-end has told her ?

RachyRach30 · 07/03/2012 20:02

Yes thats a point. Whichever way you look at it if you pay for him now some of that money will be going on her. Do you want to pay for them a meal out? Or towards her food bill? Towards her bills at home? Save the money for yourself. She's got him now don't pay for them to have a good time too on you.

He's gone, he's lied, he's lying constantly just tell him you cannot afford to pay for him and more to the point tell him it is cheeky to expect that when he has left you for ow.

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 20:03

Only- i did -he did the work i stumped up the cash............NYAC i did bag up his clothes and ask for the keys, bank cards back-but i suppose i felt like i do have the upper hand when it comes to money and have for a long time...until he gets more work he has very little money £200 at the most..........

Queencess, the codependency thing has been a problem in our relationship.....it was how we functioned......

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 07/03/2012 20:03

Whoever said that he will continue to ask for money and you will continue to give it while he is fixing the house is right.

Just don't go there. Again, what actually needs doing to the house? It might not be as bad and costly as you think it will.

I don't really like dealing with workman and things if i can help it although i do if necessary. I am always convinced Im going to get ripped off. Do you have similar fears? Is that why you feel dependent on him to sort it?

The best why to make sure you are not getting ripped off is to get lots of quotes, compare and make sure you know what they cover. You can do it!

RoxyRobin · 07/03/2012 20:04

Starting - my DH's loathsome brother was unfaithful to his wife of many years who had lovingly supported him through periods of malingering illness. She divorced him, but he wormed his way back saying how much he regretted it, how he realised it was her he loved, etc - the usual bollocks. She took him back and actually remarried him. He started seeing the OW again and she threw him out for good when she found out, as was inevitable.

He moved in with OW, but had the gall to turn up at his former wife's new place to tell her he had debts and ask for money. She asked why the OW couldn't give him some, to which he replied that she had loads of debts too! Needless to say, he left empty-handed. (Btw, my SIL says she's now more content than she's been for many years and is really relishing her new, single life.)

Please don't give him any money. He's made his bed. It's not vindictiveness - just common sense.

PooPooInMyToes · 07/03/2012 20:06

So he took the bags of clothes?

Did he give you the bank cards when you asked? Good for you by the way.

Nyac · 07/03/2012 20:06

You haven't had the upper hand though, he's had you working hard for him and handing out the cash whenever he wants it. He's got the upper hand, because you don't feel that you can say no to him.

What's stopping him getting a job like normal people?

RabidEchidna · 07/03/2012 20:16

The only hand he sees is the one handing him money

QueenCess · 07/03/2012 20:16

How about this for an idea.....what do you need to take care of yourself?

You need your own funds. You need your house fixed up. You need closure.

All of this needs to be done independent of him.

Start protecting your assets and looking for work. Start arranging quotes for the house. Start accepting the relationship is over and stop seeing him.

mathanxiety · 07/03/2012 20:21

If you must, give him a certain small amount in cash to get him off your hands and tide him over to the end of the month, and then stop all sharing of money.

Did he give you his bank card? You must make sure he does not clean you out.

Get to a solicitor as fast as you can like first thing tomorrow and present him with papers to sign to the effect that he will not make a claim on the house. Ask the solicitor if he has any right to a lien of any kind on the property or any others he has worked on for you. Ask if there is any way the cash you stumped up could be interpreted as payment to him as an employee or if your common law status would mean this would be seen as money to cover materials, etc., given to him as he was the one doing the purchasing but not meant to imply payment. You need to find out what claim he may have to your property and you need to stop him from making a claim. Ask about the possibility of a counter claim in the event he makes a claim, focusing on the fact of lost value because of the leaking roof and unfinished work and the hit your house's value has taken.

Maybe get builders to give an estimate of what his sloppy 'work' will cost to repair or finish? Is he even a proper builder or electrician or plumber?

Do not mention the possibility of a lien to him or put any other ideas into his head about claims on the property.

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 20:32

I suppose i feel that he worked hard too in a different way and i enjoyed the control i felt when i was the one earning the money........

We spent it too- but i suppose i feel guilty that he is walking away with not very much van car tools etc and i have the house car etc.... doesn't he deserve something???

Our relationship was a codependent one im sure, and i know its weak but the thought of starting again terrifies me even being in the house alone at night is something ive never done, i have to makes friends and a get new life and im petrified i've been out of the game for 15 years...

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 20:36

Mathan, he did give me his bank card yes, i have an appointment booked with a solictor and have spoken to him on the phone re properties, EXDP will be signing the paperwork this week........

OP posts:
Doha · 07/03/2012 20:41

He deserves nothing OP. He chose to leave you didn't make him have an affair. It has all been his choice.
Give him no more money, I would bet my bottom dollar than he will be back within a day or 2 asking for money before signing the paperwork

Nyac · 07/03/2012 20:41

Hasn't he already got something, like the van and also all the money you put into his business?

PooPooInMyToes · 07/03/2012 20:46

What's a lien?

Nyac · 07/03/2012 20:47

If you give him more money it will be about helping him set up another life with this OW.

Xales · 07/03/2012 20:50

Wow he has really done a number on you hasn't he!

He has had the benefits of you working all these years and supporting him.

He is a grown man. If he cannot afford to support himself when he chose to leave you for another woman then he should get a proper job not just take your money to plow into a business he and his new girlfriend will get all the future benefit from.

I am gob smacked you feel you owe him anything.

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 20:52

Nyac, yes youre right :)

OP posts:
TimeForMeAndDD · 07/03/2012 20:54

Starting, you really should not cover hiss direct debits. He is playing you just as he has played you since he hooked up with OW. He is not the man you believed him to be or the man he portrays himself to be. It's early days for you, the reality of the situation hasn't quite hit you yet but when it does, when the anger really does kick in, after the whole truth comes out, you will so regret covering any payments he has due. Trust me.

Sod his direct debits. Sod him. He wants to be able to sleep easy at night knowing his payments are going to be made meanwhile you lay on your sofa not being able to sleep at all after the heartache he has caused you. Your pity for this man is misplaced.

I can't get over the gall of the bloke, leaving you high and dry for another woman then having the audacity to ask you to cover his payments. Just goes to show who he is thinking of right now Hmm

TimeForMeAndDD · 07/03/2012 20:56

Oh, and him wanting to 'help' you with the house. Very generous of him, very kind and not at all done to appease his guilt as well as try to keep you onside, not because he might need further funds covering in the future. Nope, not at all.

You don't need this man Starting and you don't need his handyman skills either.

Plomino · 07/03/2012 20:58

Bloody hell, he wants to have his cake, eat it, make trifle out of it, and then charge you for each slice !

He deserves nothing . He's bloody lucky he's still got his van, because I'd have repossessed it .

You're doing ok. 48 hrs in the scheme of things is barely the blink of an eye after 15 years together, and you didn't see it coming , whereas he's had 8months to detach himself . I couldn't immediately do it either. That doesn't mean that you should do anything about paying his bills though! I'd just say, I'm sorry, my bank account's being changed , and I don't have access to it right now . Let the ow get used to looking after him . Nothing like a dose of reality goggles I say .

mathanxiety · 07/03/2012 20:59

What he deserves is the bum's rush.

Nyac · 07/03/2012 21:02

Do you feel like you could do the work on your house without him StartingAgain?

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