In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

[Startingagain88]

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

NYAC, we are going the bank, accountants etc today to sign paperwork.....

He wants to keep things amicable to look like the 'good guy' all hey look at me I can still be friends with my ex I can't be that bad a guy.

He is a bad guy and he does not deserve your friendship.

Yay for your dog

Just an idea but if you can bear it and it's not too far, why not walk with your dog to Tesco and get some new bed linen it's symbolic (or it was for me) something that was mine all mine that he had not slept in. It was only a bargain quilt cover but it just made my bed feel 'cleansed' of him and I slept a bit better.

Just trying to do some tidying up- the house is a mess- and it suddenly hit me im am nearly 36 has he taken away my chance of having children.......? As we were planning to say trying this year. :( bastard

He wants to keep things amicable and not to hear how you feel?

My immediate reaction was that I don`t give a shit what he wants.

He can`t control how amicable you are, you can.

I´m not advocating screaming at him (though it might actually be cathartic) but I am just cross that he thinks he can dictate the terms of the breakup.

He´s a bit pathetic isnt he? Cant bear to be upset? Poor little love ... (boak).

A pathetic, needy sponger. You deserve better.

Bollocks, no, you can have children. There is time.

I bet within a year that you will be living in a lovely unmessy house, with your life opening up with lots of possibilities and opportunities for happiness. You will get there and you'll look back and think he did you a massive favour.

Your dog is showing you the true meaning of love and friendship, which are not what your ex offered you.

Nyac, your comment brought a tear to my eye...yes my dog is wonderful he is standing by me and doesnt mind when i cry, in fact he licks my tears away ....

Oooh, and think of the househunting! You can buy/rent what you actually want!

Thank you 008 - i need that reassurance- we delayed marriage/kids- i suppose deep down i felt that he may be not able to cope with it.............

Btw Starting, I think you are doing so well. The first days are so hard, but you are coming through them. x

Thank you 008- im getting there :)

Reaching out here is a big step. Give yourself a lot of credit for having done so.

You're facing your problems head on, not running away and hoping that a new person will help you forget about them.

Morning Starting

I agree with the poster who pointed out how far you have come in 48 hours. Of course you are wobbly and can't switch your feelings off in that time, but you can AND HAVE started to channel your anger and feelings of injustice which is a brilliant start.

I would definitely take up pinkwellies offer of getting someone else round to look at the roof. And I would also definitely use the money he wants to cover his direct debits to pay for said roof.

The thing that most strikes me is the sheer audacity of the man. He is still trying to come across and the poor, misunderstood partner who 'soldiered on in an unhappy relationship before being forced to seek love elsewhere'. What the actual fuck? My DH calls these people the 'Golden Masks' - people who present as kind, thoughtful people but it's all for show. They need to be liked and can't stand the idea of others thinking badly of them no matter how appallingly they behave. Your exP (I know it feels too soon for that word but he is now an 'ex') is a prime example and the fact that he is not showing shame, remorse or at least putting his hands up and saying "I have been a complete bastard" is making it more evident that his priority is self-preservation. Wanker

One day Starting you will be GLAD that he put himself first during your breakup because it will make it easier to find him despicable.

One day, he will probably admit to the affair being physical whilst you were together and he will try and bullshit you that he kept details from you to 'protect your feelings'. This will be a lie - it's just more of that golden mask self-preservation shit.

One day you will realise that from the age of 20-36 you spent time with a man who stopped you fulfilling your potential and being yourself. You will hate him even more then.

But those years were NOT wasted. You will have come out with many good memories and learned so much.

You have plenty of time to become a mother.

And thank the lord it won't be with him.

Please eat well today and have a nosey online at your local Mumsnet board and perhaps a few local courses.

x

Starting it's really important that you grab life with both hands and make new friends and take every opportunity that's offered to you. I know it's not the same thing but my friend's dad died 2 years ago and everyone thought her mum would go under completely (early 70s I think) and not be able to cope at all after being married nearly 50 years; two years on and she has the best social life of anyone I know, she goes everywhere with her retired buddies, constantly getting invites here there and everywhere, great social life... she admits herself that she's having the time of her life, and this from a woman who did have a happy relationship.

I'm just telling that story to show that if a woman her age can do it, of course you can do it! Your relationship with this guy wasn't a good one, it was just codependent, which sometimes people mistake for being a proper relationship. It wasn't normal for you to have absolutely no friends, and you should never be friendless again, even when you're in another relationship. Having your own friends is important.

Start today... Find a holiday somewhere abroad with a group of people, you'll have a great time! Of course you have to get a job first but it sounds like you'll have no problem there. Join a voluntary organisation, join a walking group, book club etc etc. There's lots out there for you OP!
Don't lose more years by moping, just cut this guy out now and MOVE ON. You have a great life ahead of you!

Starting, I am sorry you had a bad night. I remember well that urge to call exP but when I did all I ended up doing was undermining my self-esteem further. When you 'weaken' again, post on here instead.

You are on a rollercoaster and, though you may not think it, you are doing well - for a start you are looking after your dog!

When exP left my house was also something of a building site - I take enormous pride in how I have managed to move everything on, doing the work I could myself and employing others to do what I could not. The roof is a priority so try and phone around to get some quotes - you don't want your exP doing this and expecting gratitude for it.

The love and support i have received from all of you overwhelms me, i am a stranger to you and yet you have supported me and held my hand when i have felt so low- thank you all so very much

Im booked a hair appointment for saturday afternoon- i reallly need it! and im looking into meeting new people locally- also Wellies has kindly agreed to meet me on saturday morning for a coffee :) i can and will do this- its just this transation is hard and being alone is harder :(

Being alone is harder to start with. But you WILL realise how lonely you were in your old relationship. Alone is not lonely, and I absolutely guarantee that at some point in the near future you will feel HAPPILY alone. You are now able to do whatever you want, wherever you want.

I took a job in Singapore after my last breakup - and ended up travelling and diving around the far east for 2 years. It was a hell of an adventure, full of wonderful people and amazing sights. It´s a bit early to be packing yet, but you could be ANYWHERE by the end of the year.

Ooh getting your hair done! Good for you!

The greatest revenge is happiness. Succeed with yourself. I had my second child at 39. My exdp, still has never had the courage to fully explain his sudden disappearance. I know it is because he would not want that image of himself distorted. I got all the flannel about being this that and the other and believed alot of it for some time. One day I woke up, gave the anger back and once I did that, lots of good things came into my life. While I was angry there was no space.
And as sooooo many people here have said, he is doing you a favour. you don't see it now but by god one day in the future you will raise a cheery toast to him and his wandering winky

Good woman. You have no idea how brilliantly you are doing. Lawyer sorted, accountant sorted, hair sorted, dog looked after, bit of light housework, social arrangements. You are doing brilliantly!

Next time you feel the urge to call him, try and remember how shit he made you feel and post here instead.

Now, two more things. Get some quotes for the roof (personally I would rather eat my own head than let him do it) and get the locks changed. Imagine what a marvellous symbolic moment that will be when he has positive proof that you have started to move on and he is no longer welcome in your home.

We are all right behind you

bloody good for you!

little steps become big ones.xx

You are doing well Starting, you are doing really well. It is still early days so you can expect to feel a mixture of emotions. Be kind to yourself but don't allow yourself to be kind to him! One day at a time, one step at a time, towards your wonderful future and away from this sorry excuse for a man.

EXDP came round at a later time than we agreed- i was ready to take the dog out- he said hed come back later....it helped me realise that i was doing quite well this morning until i saw him- it just brings it all back up again........again he was cold and more interested in the dog...

I suppose i am clinging to this idea that i need his help- yes the house is a mess- but I could organise the work myself he always did that side of things and i suppose im afraid of bring ripped off- or finding out it is going to cost a fortune...perhaps i want to keep him on side...or perhaps i dont want him to think badly of me i dont know.

I plucked up the courage to ring my brother earlier on- went to answerphone....... :(

C´mon Starting ... take a deep breath.

You CAN organise the house ... or perhaps you need a little encouragement. My ex said to me "Oh you can`t organise the finances ...." so when we split up, I got myself a financial advisor and bought him out of our apartment.

Can`t manage it, pah!

Find out how much it will cost. Get 3 quotes. Then you will know the worst. Also, then you will have something to manage and keep you occupied for the next few days.

And you`ll have a dry house!

Your brother is probably working. He will call back.