New relationship and he can't perform

[DissatisfiedDeirdre]

I've met someone a couple of months ago who is lovely, gorgeous, sexy, wonderful etc.

We have tried to have sex a couple of times and it's been a disaster. He doesn't get fully hard, loses his erection during intercourse and can't ejaculate. He has put this down to having had too much to drink on the occasions we've tried to have sex but I don't think this is really the problem. He doesn't seem to realise he's not fully erect so I think he's possibly always had this problem. I can hardly tell him what other penis' feel like though.

He takes citalopram which I think is probably the main cause of his sex issues.

I could really fall in love with him but I don't want to be in a sexless relationship. He is staying over tonight and although I'm really looking forward to spending the evening with him and sharing a bed I am dreading the sex part.

The kissing and touching is lovely, but it either leads nowhere and we go to sleep (and I feel frustrated) or we have 10 minutes of thrusting, apologising and then awkwardness. I am being sensitive but it is obvious that he feels under pressure to perform and I feel frustrated, which are both making the problem worse probably.

We don't just do penetrative sex but I can't climax with him because I don't feel turned on while he is so obviously not aroused.

I've suggested seeing his GP which didn't go down too well.

It's a bit harsh to end a relationship for this reason especially when everything else is so good. It's a problem for me though and as far as I can tell it's not much of a big issue for him.

No matter how wonderful you may think he is, read any of the numerous sorry tales on this board of mismatched libidos before you consider taking this relationship any further.

Test his theory by keeping him away from the booze tonight - and that means not even a snifter before you attempt to do the deed.

You're right Izzy. I wondered why such a great bloke could still be single ... well now I know.

It isn't unreasonable to want a sex life. It doesn't matter to me how 'generous' he is in the bedroom, I want proper sex with him and I want him to want it too.

I can't test the drink theory tonight as we're going to a party and I know there's no way he won't drink. In fact I think he is drinking more since we started having sex as an excuse for his poor performance.

DD, antidepressants can wreck havoc with sexual function and it sounds like either he is unaware of their side effects or he doesn?t want to admit there?s a problem. He could do with having a chat with his GP about the citalopram and see whether that?s what?s causing the sexual dysfunction. My DP was on them when we first got together and although he could get hard he usually couldn?t come no matter how hard he tried, (he?d get exhausted and sweaty trying!) but once off them he?s ?normal?.
Has he been on them long and does he want to come off them?

Citalopram is well known for causing erection problems. There are other antidepressants he could try that don't.
I'm probably going to get shot down in flames for saying this..... but.....whilst I would stay and help a long term partner with erection problems I'm not sure I would for someone I just met. It would all seem like a bit much too soon. This is supposed to be the honeymoon period, who knows what the future holds?

I've suggested seeing his GP which didn't go down too well

If he's not prepared to even attempt to fix it now, by either seeing his GP or laying off the booze (if he's using that as his excuse), then this ain't going to get any better the longer you're with him.

Dump him now, save yourself the heartache!

Being temporarily ldeprived of a 'honeymoon period' is one thing, but the fact that it doesn't seem to be much of an issue for him is another.

Tonight is obviously not the night to test his theory but I suggest you arrange an alcohol free evening at the earliest opportunity - perhaps dinner with non-alcoholic beverages at your place in the near future?

How long has he been taking citalopram? A change of medication may solve the problem but it's possible that he's become accustomed to a less than orgasmic satisfactory sex life, in which case the problem may already have become more deep-seated.

agree with TooEasily

if he's going to get stroppy about getting help for his problem, he is going to turn out to be Very Hard Work.

I would want to know if the problem has only occurred since he started taking the meds or if it is a long term prob?

How old is this guy? Does he have dc?

Maybe start without penetration being the "end goal". That can be so much pressure...

There's a lot of wonderful things you can do.

That way you can see if there's a way forward...

as a side note i was once on citalopram briefly and within a week of starting it, i lost the ability to have an orgasm... i know of others (both sexes) who've had the same exp, it's definitely a common side effect.

It is often the case that if his dr adds a dose if wellbutrin (zyban) to his prescription it can alleviate the sexual side effects of the anti anxiety meds he is taking. But he would need to be prepared to discuss it and ask his physician to alter his medication.

Too much hassle and hard work for a new relationship.

I didn't go to the party - just couldn't face pretending everything was fine all evening when actually I want out of this now. I told him I didn't feel like going but that he could ring me afterwards and come over if he wants to talk. I think he knows what I'm going to talk about so I probably won't hear from him tonight.

He's been on citalopram for 3 years. If I push it he will admit that he didn't have erection/ejaculation problems before he started taking them, but then goes back to saying he'll not drink next time he comes over - as if a couple of cans of beer are causing this degree of sexual dysfunction!

He has a child and has been in several long term relationships, although not whilst he's been taking citalopram.

'The honeymoon' period is what's bothering me. I don't expect to be banging like rabbits, we're in our late 30's, but this is very different to any other sexual experience I've had and it's making me feel like shit. I know logically that it's not his fault or my fault, but in other relationships I've always been the one to delay sex until I'm comfortable and to not want it as often as my partner does.

Rightly or wrongly this is making me feel really unattractive. I feel like a bloody pervert lying in bed completely naked and horny and gagging for it while he pisses about looking for his pants to put back on

"I can't test the drink theory tonight as we're going to a party and I know there's no way he won't drink. In fact I think he is drinking more since we started having sex as an excuse for his poor performance."

This is the kicker for me, if he believes drink is the cause then he needs to drink less - if he's not prepared to do that for you now then I'm afraid he never will.

ionysis - meant to respond to what you said about Wellbutrin. He doesn't want to talk about it so there's no way I'd get him to his GP.

And you know what, after posting on here, I'm fine about that. I'm not going to turn into a pest. If he's satisfied with a sexless relationship he can find someone else to have one with.

Thank you for the info though

I know Happy [sigh]

What a shame though. It was all really good up until now.

I think you're right. I've read several threads here where this kind of issue just eats away at everything, so better to swerve it before you get in too deep. It's that he isn't interested in addressing it that's the deal-breaker.

I agree with everyone else. If it is an issue that can be treated medically im sure you'd readily support him but his reluctance to seek advice will be a major deal breaker for me. No sex isn't everything by any means but it is an important part of a relationship. Especially in a new one which are otherwise so exciting

Precisely kodachrome. It's his attitude to sex that is the big issue here.

He's all like "well, I suppose you want me to have sex with you so I'll have to stop drinking so I can give you what you want"

It's totally at odds to the person he is outside the bedroom and it leaves me cold and feeling like a sex pest.

I don't know why he wanted a relationship with me if he knew he had these issues and can't bring himself to sort them out. He's behaving as if I'm asking for something beyond reasonable and that he is going to have to work especially hard (wry smile) to satisfy me.

If he turned up round here tonight with a stonking hard-on and ravaged me I think it would be too late tbh. The damage is done now.

first1, actually I'm not sure I would now. I haven't spoken to RL friends about it because it feels very cruel and chatting on here has helped me understand what this is doing to me.

If he sorted it out I would always feel like he's done it to please me. I don't want sexual favours. I want him to be thinking "I really like this woman and I want her" and then do what it takes. It's not going to happen though.

I'm so sorry you missed out on a party 'cos this guy's got a- useless tool

However, by way of consolation, I suspect that your apres-party activities would have made you feel even less desirable inclined to continue this particular platonic friendship.

My advice, as someone who has experienced this, would be , don't take the relationship any further, it will just make you feel frustrated, unhappy, unsexy and resentful.
My relationship with DP started the same. Wonderful, handsome, sweet, kind guy, good job, manners, thought I was SO lucky to meet him. Alas, there were sex problems from the start, erection probs, didn't get very hard, awkward conversations etc....just like you.

5 years and 1 child later I'm still with him (barely). No sex for 2 years, sleep in separate rooms, spent the last 5 years with lack of sex being a huge issue for me and like you feel crap for having to keep bringing the issue up. Before him I had always had succesful fullfilling sexual relationships. Since being with him I feel like I barely even remember what sex is like. And the resentment I feel is huge. Being with a man who seems to not desire you or think there is nothing wrong with not having sex is a very lonely and unhappy experience.

Please, for your own happiness, let the relationship go. You are in your late 30's, still young, wait for someone you really click with. Sex problems can be a total killer to a relationship. If he is not willing and open to sorting things out then trust me, he never will be.

Izzy

I stupidly phoned him (twice) and his phone is switched to voicemail. Feel even more of a bloody pest now

Emptygirl, I'm so sorry to hear that. I can't imagine how miserable I'd be after 5 years of feeling sexually frustrated and unwanted.

I would break it off. Do you really need this?