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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP's emotional affair with friends DP, now 'innocent' photos on fb

212 replies

MudAndGlitter · 11/01/2012 18:06

Bit of background- shortly after I had DS, DP became very close to his best friends pregnant partner. There were texts, facebook messages and they spent most of their time alone together. We split up as he said he had fallen in love with her but maintains all that happened was a kiss. She denies the kiss. He moved out and went to stay with best friend and this woman. They all fell out, he moved back in with me and we went on to have DD.

For the past year or so he's been back to being friends with his best friend and of course this means the woman as well. I've told him it makes me uncomfortable yet he refuses not to reply to her texts, answer her calls or stop going round there. I thought I could deal with it as I don't have any right to say he can't talk to someone.
I've just been on facebook and this woman has uploaded recent pics of her and my DP larking around- her bent over whilst he pretends to shag her (fully clothed) and him picking her up, piggyback and one of her and her friend kissing him on the cheek whilst he grins like a cheshire cat.

I feel really humiliated by it and like he's completely taken the piss. I know its innocent but he knows how I feel about her and everything thats gone on before. He's currently asleep on the sofa whilst I debate emailing the photos to him with the subject- pack your bags now.

I'm completely over reacting aren't I?

OP posts:
Becauseimperfect · 11/01/2012 18:09

No just kick him out.

SiamoNellaMerda · 11/01/2012 18:09

No you're not overreacting. Time to introduce your boot to his arse - do this in the doorway and chuck his bags after him. You know this is right don't you?

Pepa · 11/01/2012 18:10

no - not over-reacting at all. Sounds like your DP isn't taking your feelings into consideration at all - not really the actions of a "D" P

tallwivglasses · 11/01/2012 18:12

Innocent? My arse.

WhereTheWildThingsWere · 11/01/2012 18:12

He sounds like a wanker, sorry. You are not over-reacting at all.

I could possibly forgive a drunken one night stand, but if dp told me he was in love with someone else he would be out on his ear, even if nothing ever happened.

My Dad did this to my Mum, he was a prize twat too.

Starwisher · 11/01/2012 18:12

Your not over reacting at all!

He continues too see this woman despite knowing how much pain it brings and he goes onto publishing a picture of them pretending to shag?! That is very humiliating to say the least.

No, no, no he needs to decide, its you or her. This is no way to live.

Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit · 11/01/2012 18:13

Sounds far from innocent. It's hurtful and disrespectful to you. And is tbe best friend a fool?

MudAndGlitter · 11/01/2012 18:14

Thank you. I was hoping I wasn't over reacting I just can't think straight. There was an instance a few months back when I found facebook messages from the other girl in the kissing photo and he talked his way out of it.
I told him at the time it would have been easier to deal with had it been sex with a stranger rather than actual emotions being involved.

OP posts:
kodachrome · 11/01/2012 18:14

What are you talking about, over-reacting? He told you he fell in love with her, he moved out and it was only when they (as a menage a trois?) fell out that he came back to you?

And now he refuses to accept that playing about with her is hurtful to you and thinks you should just suck it up? Are you mad? Stop accepting this appalling treatment.

Starwisher · 11/01/2012 18:14

Why did the best friend let him move in though? Did he not realise what was going on?

corlan · 11/01/2012 18:17

I know what you mean when you say you don't have the right to tell him not to talk to someone, but this isn't just anyone is it?

He is being massively disrespectful of your feelings at the very least. You are definitely not over reacting.

MudAndGlitter · 11/01/2012 18:17

The best friend let him because DP always gets his own way. Always which is a pain in the arse and something I've been trying to stand up to for a while. This may be the kick up the arse I've needed for a while.

OP posts:
ohdearwhatdoidonow · 11/01/2012 18:19

No not being unreasonable at all. Is DP's best mate on facebook? He can't be too happy either. I agree that in general you can't tell OH who to be friends with. but this instance I would have been adamant no further contact.

Good luck:(
x

igginezerscrooge · 11/01/2012 18:21

He thinks it's ok to stay in touch with the woman you split up over?
Stay with this guy much longer and he'll have you thinking black is white etc.

Flotsamflo · 11/01/2012 18:21

I am thinking what Starwisher has asked?
If 'the girl' is still with your DP's best friend - where does the best friend picture in all this?
Is he happy with the relationship between his DP and your DP?
What about there DC?
And I agree with everyone else - he has no respect for you and your feelings.

MudAndGlitter · 11/01/2012 18:22

DP's mate is on facebook but is so taken in by DP and his partner that he just see's it as them messing around and that whats happened is in the past. Which is why I didnt know if i was blowing it out of proportion as he doesn't seem bothered by it.

OP posts:
MudAndGlitter · 11/01/2012 18:24

DP has taken DS over to play with their DS a few times and it was only the other night that DS told me that Daddy is best friends with Woman's name. If a 2 year old can pick up on that then it's probably a sign I've had my head in the sand!

OP posts:
SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 11/01/2012 18:25

but your partner knows this hurts you and ignores that. that's the point for you. he is not being caring or at all considerate in his behaviour and it sounds like he's got you doubting, or not feeling you have the right to, your feelings and needs.

you shouldn't be treated like this by someone you are in a relationship with.

Pepa · 11/01/2012 18:25

Does DP's best friend know about the emotional affair?

akaemmafrost · 11/01/2012 18:27

Are you chuff overreacting! I actually felt nauseous when I read your descriptions of the photos on FB Shock.

Get rid, now, right this very second! What a pair of utter twats. Him and her.

Flubba · 11/01/2012 18:28

Poor you OP. If he refuses to change and see how disrespectful it is to your (well-founded) feelings, then you're genuinely best rid of him IMHO. :(

izzywhizzyswinterwarmer · 11/01/2012 18:30

It's time to ditch the ostrich act, honey, and teach the tosser that his run of getting his own way is over.

As I can't put it any better than SNM apt words: "Time to introduce your boot to his arse - do this in the doorway and chuck his bags after him" I'll simply add 'preferably tonight and certainly no later than the weekend'.

Panfriedstardust · 11/01/2012 18:31

DP's mate is living in the lovely land of Denial, because he doesn't want to lose his gf. Your DP is being an immature insensitive arse-hole and is overdue a binning.

Panfriedstardust · 11/01/2012 18:35

am also curious how he is capable of having an 'emotional affair' - lust and teenage besottedness maybe.

PinotVagDOr · 11/01/2012 18:36

Blimey, Mud, I'm normally the last person to say leave him but on this occasion....

I wouldn't stand for this and nor should you.