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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP's emotional affair with friends DP, now 'innocent' photos on fb

212 replies

MudAndGlitter · 11/01/2012 18:06

Bit of background- shortly after I had DS, DP became very close to his best friends pregnant partner. There were texts, facebook messages and they spent most of their time alone together. We split up as he said he had fallen in love with her but maintains all that happened was a kiss. She denies the kiss. He moved out and went to stay with best friend and this woman. They all fell out, he moved back in with me and we went on to have DD.

For the past year or so he's been back to being friends with his best friend and of course this means the woman as well. I've told him it makes me uncomfortable yet he refuses not to reply to her texts, answer her calls or stop going round there. I thought I could deal with it as I don't have any right to say he can't talk to someone.
I've just been on facebook and this woman has uploaded recent pics of her and my DP larking around- her bent over whilst he pretends to shag her (fully clothed) and him picking her up, piggyback and one of her and her friend kissing him on the cheek whilst he grins like a cheshire cat.

I feel really humiliated by it and like he's completely taken the piss. I know its innocent but he knows how I feel about her and everything thats gone on before. He's currently asleep on the sofa whilst I debate emailing the photos to him with the subject- pack your bags now.

I'm completely over reacting aren't I?

OP posts:
Original poster
MudAndGlitter · 12/01/2012 19:54

I'm sure that there's a youtube video to show me how to change a lock. I'll have a look in a minute! If not I can rope my stepdad in to help I'm sure.

OP posts:
SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 12/01/2012 20:01

i'm in council turned HA housing and they fit really good locks here koda - i also have upvc doors so wouldn't be able to change locks easily or add bolts - maybe different for MandG.

so glad you can see the benefits of being without him MandG Smile make some changes that suit you and the kids but were hampered by him. enjoy the black sacks. you are still very young and have so much ahead of you. you don't want to settle for this x

kodachrome · 12/01/2012 20:08

Mine are crap Grin.

Original poster
MudAndGlitter · 12/01/2012 20:09

I don't want DD growing up to think this is the sort of relationship she has to be in or for DS to think that this is how you treat your partner. The locks look quite complicated so I think my best bet is to phone the council tomorrow and see if they can reccommend a locksmith.
I think right now I'm in a good position. I have a roof over the DC's heads, I have a little bit of money in the bank (or at least will tomorrow!) and I'm studying my backside off so that they have a better future and we can move out of here once I qualify. I'm not going to be a bitch about access to him but I am going to make sure that its consistent and that he knows he can't just turn up here expecting to see the DC's without consulting me.

I feel a bit jittery. I haven't been single in 4 years, I've never spent a night alone in this flat and have to keep reminding myself that the weird sounds are upstairs, but overall I'm pleased he's left.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/01/2012 20:24

I would rather be a bit "jittery" about the odd thump in the flat, than humiliated publically on FB by a fuckwit

Anniegetyourgun · 12/01/2012 20:25

Sarky comments... toddler-like tantrums... I knew there was more to it than the arsing around with another woman (with or without another man). In a very little while you'll realise they did you a big favour.

On a trivial note, not commenting at all on the Facebook picture is of course the correct and dignified reaction. However I'd find it quite difficult to resist putting something like "I know who that is, it's my ex-boyfriend!" Just casual, like, and absolutely not adding "and you're welcome to him, you skanky cow" or other unladylike remarks.

piratecat · 12/01/2012 20:38

good to read this mudandglitter. i hope you can see this thru, you sound like you have your head firmly screwed on.

you deserve the best, don't forget it.

he sounds like a child, messing about with a buddy. grrr.

piratecat · 12/01/2012 20:39

i would block them both on fb tbh.

you simply don't have enough headspace for more childish insulting crap.

Original poster
MudAndGlitter · 12/01/2012 21:01

I think once he's gone then I'll block them. I will probably just torment myself if I keep them on there.
On the plus side I am having a thorough de-clutter and clean as I bag up his crap.

How do I tell the DC's what has happened? DD is too little to understand I think but DS will probably notice.

OP posts:
ohdearwhatdoidonow · 12/01/2012 21:03

"On a trivial note, not commenting at all on the Facebook picture is of course the correct and dignified reaction. However I'd find it quite difficult to resist putting something like "I know who that is, it's my ex-boyfriend!" Just casual, like, and absolutely not adding "and you're welcome to him, you skanky cow" or other unladylike remarks"

I'd second that and would love to add "do you take both at the same time, and just wondering is it you he got crabs from?"

Original poster
MudAndGlitter · 12/01/2012 21:04

:o oooh tempting!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/01/2012 21:07

I thought he was gone ? Confused

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 12/01/2012 21:09

along the lines of we both still love you and he is still your daddy but he is going to live somewhere else from now on because mummy and daddy don't want to live together anymore?

most important thing is ds doesn't think it's anything to do with him and is assured he is still loved i think.

not easy.

ohdearwhatdoidonow · 12/01/2012 21:12

Anyucker - he's gone for the night threatening to be back tomorrow I think

Original poster
MudAndGlitter · 12/01/2012 21:13

Ooops sorry I meant when all trace of him has gone- all his crap that I cant pack like weight bench and various random things.

OP posts:
Original poster
MudAndGlitter · 12/01/2012 21:14

He has it in his head that he's only going for tonight, despite me telling him otherwise.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/01/2012 21:18

tell him harder

why aren't you telling him harder ?

do you need him for childcare while you work?, am not following the "he will be back to take ds to nursery" thing

that is the only possible reason for why he would be coming anywhere near your house tomorrow

Original poster
MudAndGlitter · 12/01/2012 21:27

Either him or his mum take DS to nursery in the mornings as by the time DS has walked there he's usually knackered all day and I don't drive so MIL suggested she picks him up.
He has just got a new car and promised DS he would take him in the morning. I'm torn between leaving just after he takes DS and taking DD out for the day so I don't have to see him or staying and having it out with him to make sure it sinks in although I run the risk of DD getting upset if he starts shouting etc

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/01/2012 21:42

you need to extricate yourself from this mess

making excuses for not telling him strongly enough won't do that

walk your son to nursery, take dd with you

simply don't be home when he turns up

have the house locked up and empty

this is his reality now, he has chosen it

Starwisher · 12/01/2012 21:57

But routine will be extra I important for your dc right now. If your p normally takes him don't disrupt it

FriggFRIGG · 12/01/2012 22:10

Listen to Anyfucker

Walk your son to nursery,yes,he might be disappointed that he doesn't get to go in the car-tell I'm he can go in it another day,buy him some chocolate buttons,he will have forgotten by lunchtime.

It is more important that you send a strong message to your EXP that life will not be continuing as normal for him.
He thinks he can do whatever the fuck he likes,and that you will put up with it because its easier.
Show him this is no longer the case.

AnyFucker · 12/01/2012 22:14

He has done what the fuck he likes, and will continue to do so

He doesn't have to think anything

The man is an absolute twat, but OP keeps him in her life. Why ?

Starwisher · 12/01/2012 22:15

I think it's more important the dc sees life will be normal for him! It can't all be about punishing the p.

He will be confused, afraid and exhausted in top of knowing not all is well.

Poor little chap.

AnyFucker · 12/01/2012 22:17

afraid?...what will the little boy be afraid of ?

I find it much more terrifying that this man is still being upheld as a role model for him...much more damaging than missing a ride in a motor car

put the boy in a buggy and push him to nursery

Original poster
MudAndGlitter · 12/01/2012 22:24

He's not going to nursery tomorrow now. He's woken up coughing and crying with a 38.8 degree temp. Currently calpoled up and watching the lion king whilst I bag up XP's crap.

OP posts: