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Original poster

DP's emotional affair with friends DP, now 'innocent' photos on fb

212 replies

MudAndGlitter · 11/01/2012 18:06

Bit of background- shortly after I had DS, DP became very close to his best friends pregnant partner. There were texts, facebook messages and they spent most of their time alone together. We split up as he said he had fallen in love with her but maintains all that happened was a kiss. She denies the kiss. He moved out and went to stay with best friend and this woman. They all fell out, he moved back in with me and we went on to have DD.

For the past year or so he's been back to being friends with his best friend and of course this means the woman as well. I've told him it makes me uncomfortable yet he refuses not to reply to her texts, answer her calls or stop going round there. I thought I could deal with it as I don't have any right to say he can't talk to someone.
I've just been on facebook and this woman has uploaded recent pics of her and my DP larking around- her bent over whilst he pretends to shag her (fully clothed) and him picking her up, piggyback and one of her and her friend kissing him on the cheek whilst he grins like a cheshire cat.

I feel really humiliated by it and like he's completely taken the piss. I know its innocent but he knows how I feel about her and everything thats gone on before. He's currently asleep on the sofa whilst I debate emailing the photos to him with the subject- pack your bags now.

I'm completely over reacting aren't I?

OP posts:
needanewname · 11/01/2012 18:38

Sorry. I agree with everyone else. This does not sound innocent at all. If it was he would stop it because he could see how distressed you are. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear Sad

Anniegetyourgun · 11/01/2012 18:40

"The best friend let him because DP always gets his own way. Always which is a pain in the arse"

You bet it is. Sounds like this EA is only one of your problems.

QuintessentiallyShallow · 11/01/2012 18:40

Not overreacting at all.

What an arse.

Strawberrytallcake · 11/01/2012 18:40

You (and anyone) deserve better, please don't waste your time and just get rid of him. You will be a million times happier in the future when you find someone who is not such a prick.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 11/01/2012 18:46

to copy a phrase from a poster very recently whose name I forget, 'this is not just taking the piss it is bottling it and selling it as fine wine!'

guinealady · 11/01/2012 18:47

This sort of thing would make me uncomfortable - I definitely understand the concept of an 'emotional affair'.

When things were starting to go wrong between my exBF and I, part of the issue was that he formed a very close friendship with another woman - I don't think they ever had a physical relationship, but she definitely became his 'replacement' for me in terms of being the person he confided in and relied on most for support.

What upset me most when he finally finished with me was that SHE was the very person he turned to for advice- and of course she recommended he should end the relationship.

I was so angry that he had listened to the very person I believed to have come between us - she was hardly an impartial independent observer. It didn't matter to me whether they had even held hands or kissed on the cheek - she had taken my place as his closest female companion and confidant, and somehow that was just as bad as adultery.

newfashionedmum · 11/01/2012 18:50

...others have sort of said this but whether or not anything has happened between them, his complete disregard for your feelings on it is a serious problem in its own right. If he is disrespectful or controlling in other ways it needs dealing with head on. Have a think about it before you decide how to approach it with him - if you make it about this one set of incidents he's likely to make excuses again. There's a bigger thing going on here about his attitude to relationships I suspect.

NoWayNoHow · 11/01/2012 18:55

You're not over-reacting at all, and for the record, you have EVERY right to demand zero contact with this woman (unless in a group situation with you and her DP there) as he has shown himself to have betrayed you in the past with her, even resulting in you splitting up. And you're right, the photos are an absolute piss-take.

Time to get balls of steel and tell him to end all contact with her (besides those situations like I said above) or there will be consequences for your relationship. Explain that it completely unacceptable and inconsiderate for him to contimuing messing around with this woman as though there is no history with her, as it is jeopardising your relationship and your ability to stay as a family.

izzywhizzyswinterwarmer · 11/01/2012 19:02

Strawberry's made a valid point, but I reckon that you are going to to feel a million times better as soon as you've applied your boot to the arse.

I recommend that you luxuriate in being a free woman and keep your options open until you are certain that you have found the man of your dreams rather than another nightmare twat.

Original poster
MudAndGlitter · 11/01/2012 19:13

He refuses to see he's done anything wrong. Apparently it's me with the problem and when I told him to get out he said no.
I don't quite know what to do now.

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 11/01/2012 19:16

He's bluffing, as long he pretends there is nothing wrong, he can make you feel like a nutter, questioning yourself. The longer he can do this, the more time there will be for this to "blow over" and everything to settle down.

Whose name is the house in?

DaydreamDolly · 11/01/2012 19:18

Do you want him to leave? If so, insist. Or wait til he goes to work and refuse to let him back in.

I feel for you, he has humiliated you. What a twunt. He has been utterly insensitive and doesn't seem to care what you think. You deserve far far better.

Good luck OP

AnyFucker · 11/01/2012 19:18

You are being taken for an absolute mug, sorry. Just like you were the first time.

I think there is probably a menage a trois situation here, and you are out in the cold

How utterly humiliating

Go and find out your rights, and get him, or you, out of the house.

he can go and stay with his lover(s) again, can't he ? I am sure they will welcome him back with open legs arms...

Original poster
MudAndGlitter · 11/01/2012 19:18

The tenancy is in my name. I'm thinking of going to my mums tomorrow with the DCs and telling him to get his stuff out. He's trying to act as though nothing has happened and that I knew he was out with them the night the photos were taken.

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 11/01/2012 19:18

If its in your name, I would and have in my own unpleasant situation called the police and have him removed. Angry arsehole!

MamaMaiasaura · 11/01/2012 19:19

Whose home is it?

akaemmafrost · 11/01/2012 19:20

Yep they all do the pretending nothing is wrong, what's the problem? You are overreacting! Blah blah blah. Like I said the longer he can do that the more likely it is you will calm down and life as he wishes it to be will be resumed.

Becauseimperfect · 11/01/2012 19:21

Just tell him if he dosent leave, you'll ask the police to come and remove him. Mean business. It's your house, you aren't married.

kodachrome · 11/01/2012 19:22

Don't leave your home, he'll do nothing about packing. You'll need to bag his stuff up himself and change the locks while he's out.

akaemmafrost · 11/01/2012 19:23

My ex was unfaithful repeatedly, pawned all our stuff including my jewellery and ds's birthday present, he was emotionally and physically abusive and each and every time he did what your DP is doing, pretended there was nothing wrong with his behaviour or tried to blame it on me. It's standard, you need to become Ice Queen now.

jbuckley · 11/01/2012 19:23

Until you decide exactly what you want to do, I would let him experience what being without you will mean. Ignore him, do not talk to him unless it's to discuss children issues. Do not cook for him, do laundry, answer his calls when he rings you. He will hate it but part of him will respect you for it You have every right to demand that he cut off all contact with this woman.

If I were you I'd get on the phone to the tart's husband and fill him in about this great love, and i'd put a call into the tart as well telling her what I think of her. Create havoc and embarassment for your DP - show him you'll put up with only so much.

AnyFucker · 11/01/2012 19:24

Tell him to leave.

if he doesn't go, or gets arsey, call the police

Fo0ffyShmo0ffer · 11/01/2012 19:27

Mud this is a shit situation for you Sad

He is clearly pushing it as far as possible by refusing in the hopes that time will make you run out of steam. Tomorrow at the latest you must get him out. Don't let this happen again.

fuzzypeach1750 · 11/01/2012 19:28

I'm sorry he sounds like an arse. I'd have it out with him and go from there but his bags would be packed ready. So sorry

fuzzypeach1750 · 11/01/2012 19:30

Ah, you've done that! Blush

He is in the wrong on so many levels. He needs to go, if needs be word it so that he thinks there's a chance that he can make it up to you if it helps get his fat arse out of the door.