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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I now feel as if I have no hope and I really don't want to go on any more

223 replies

Punkatheart · 30/12/2011 20:57

Firstly - I have been drinking...although because I never drink, it is two glasses of wine...but I do feel tiddly.

In July, my OH left me. We have had a bit of a tough time...I was diagnosed with lymphoma in 2003 and our teenage daughter has been very troublesome. But I didn't expect him to be so cowardly...to simply walk away.

I have tried to be patient and kind. He has said that he has problems and now needs counselling. But today I called him to tell him that we have a very bad problem with rats in the garden...please could he sort it out. I have had so much to deal with and I really feel at the end of my tether. We have animals and a house to maintain - I am finding it all too much.

Basically, he told me that he is going away for the weekend. My daughter is also going out on New Years Eve to a sleepover. I have decided really that I have had enough. Thinking about it carefully, I think Beachy Head would be the best option.

I know that I sound pathetic - but I heard today that my blood test results are also not good and that I may have to come off my drugs, that have really been helping.

I have tried.....but the thought that he has put himself first...he was once such a lovely man, so unselfish.....

I feel so alone.

OP posts:
foggybrain · 30/12/2011 21:03

Punkatheart - I am very sorry you are feeling like this. You don't sound pathetic at all, just that you have had an awful lot to cope with. Is there anyone you can call to speak to who can come over? Or even samaritans? They are very kind and lovely (I spoke to them the other day, there is no shame in calling them). Please call someone, make appointment to see Dr to get you through this crisis point.

foggybrain · 30/12/2011 21:06

Just to add you're not alone; I came on MN tonight because I'm on my own too, DH has just moved out although v different circumstances. I've felt as bad as you in the past and it has passed eventually. But if you have a definite plan then you need to take steps to get yourself safe. Call someone please.

Original poster
Punkatheart · 30/12/2011 21:07

I have spoken to the Samaritans in the past - what incredible people. But it is too late for that. I just want it all to stop. I do strongly believe that sometimes life is too much. That people deserve it all to stop. I have now reached that stage. No point putting it off any longer.

OP posts:
kodachrome · 30/12/2011 21:08

Please talk to the Samaritans or someone in real life. You don't sound in the least pathetic, you sound really brave, actually. Just get through tonight and worry about tomorrow then.

TiredOfGoingRoundInCircles · 30/12/2011 21:09

punk - i've been in that place, but i'm still here, please put if off - at least until you're sober :-S

snoopdogg · 30/12/2011 21:10

Where are you honey? It's never too late, talk to us x

mummymuzza · 30/12/2011 21:11

Oh my lovely...

Came on here tonight because I also feel a bit lost at the moment and read the thread you started. I want to urge you not to not let the wine affect your thinking.

There seems to be lots going on at the moment and I can completely see how it can all feel like its all getting too much. Agree with foggy brain that its good to talk to someone about it all and find a way forward.

xxx

ThatVikRinA22 · 30/12/2011 21:13

i think you need to talk how youre feeling through with someone. How would your dd cope without you? really?

please call someone and concentrate on getting through until tomorrow. You have had alot to cope with, but you are coping,

the reality of suicide is not what you think it is right now. i have dealt with them, they are devastating for those left behind.

if you are feeling like this the thing to do is talk. stay on here and talk if you like, but you need to get some RL help. nothing is insurmountable.

HoudiniHissy · 30/12/2011 21:16

Another one here ready to hear you.

Punk. Ending it is not the answer. Please, think about what you're saying. Your DD would never recover from it.

I know you are facing immense pressure at the moment, but you CAN handle this, yyou really can. You have to go on.

I've been suicidal myself, I survived. The pain my family told me of thinking I wasn't going to make it broke my heart.
Please talk to us? Please let us help.

hellhasnofury · 30/12/2011 21:17

Please don't Punk. I don't know you and I've never met you but please don't.

Call the Samaritans again. Even if you feel you don't have much to say they'll listen.

thebestisyettocome · 30/12/2011 21:21

Beachy Head would be a very permanent solution to a very temporary problem.

Try to get some rest and all the help you can get.

You are a worthwhile and wonderful person despite what rubbish you are hearing in your head.

Take care x

mummymuzza · 30/12/2011 21:22

Punk, please listen to everyone's advice and concerns.

Even just one glass of wine, on a bad day, can make the situation seem tons worse and knock your sense of perspective. Things can often seem different in the morning.

It sounds like you are having to deal with lots on your own at the moment and that can be very stressful.

xxx

Original poster
Punkatheart · 30/12/2011 21:24

thank you all....I am near Reading.....I am thinking of my poor little girl...she is such a funny feisty little thing......I really want to be strong...

OP posts:
shirazyum · 30/12/2011 21:28

Hey Punk

You have had an awful time and I don't blame you for being so low. My grandmother also had an awful time and no one could blame her for her suicide. Unfortunately my mum, her daughter, has suffered throughout a lifetime as a direct result. Don't leave your daughter. I have a feeling you are braver than my grandmother....

Ring the Samaritans, or keep chatting here. Tell me about your animals, what do you have?

ThatVikRinA22 · 30/12/2011 21:28

you ARE strong!

dont be fooled! you have been dealt some shite to deal with, but you are still here, you are strong!

do you think these thoughts will pass with a couple of headache pills, a glass of water and a good nights sleep?

you know that things can seem overwhelming, but by breaking things down, nothing is insurmountable. nothing.

your little girl needs a mum.

shirazyum · 30/12/2011 21:29

Oh bloomin heck - you live near Reading!!!! That won't help at all!!!

kodachrome · 30/12/2011 21:29

Don't do it to her.

snoopdogg · 30/12/2011 21:29

You are strong because you've got here.

Keep thinking of your girl

She's not a poor little girl, she's your girl and she's her girl, that funny feisty little thing you made and want to see grow up

And beachy head's a bugger to find in the dark x

feelokaboutit · 30/12/2011 21:30

Hi punk. I am sorry you are feeling so low. Where I live (north west london) the council will come and sort out rodent related problems. Could your council help? To be feeling down, unwell and very sad and on top of everything have huge rats in your garden, sounds very difficult.

Is there a practical way in which we can help? Please tell us more about the different things which are too much and it may be that they can be broken down into more manageable chunks, and that people (even strangers) can help in practical ways that you hadn't thought of.
Thinking of you xx

Original poster
Punkatheart · 30/12/2011 21:30

Oh Shiraz, I am sorry about your grandmother.

I have four chickens and a thyroidal cat. Unfortunately I now have a bevy of rats too. They are cute but they have to go.

I hope someone will look after the animals. They are my darlings.

OP posts:
hellhasnofury · 30/12/2011 21:30

Please keep think of your daughter. She needs you in her life. Your DH is being an arse and you undoubtably deserve better treatment from him. Do you have RL suppor?

samsonthecat · 30/12/2011 21:31

I don't post here very often but I had to reply to you. I'm on here tonight because I'm alone. My dc are with their dad and I miss them. I've been depressed and suicidal in the past. I had a moment today after I met up with their dad when a motorway bridge seemed like a good option.
However I have also been on the receiving end of a suicide note and having to find a friend who had made a suicide attempt. It will always stick with me how afraid I was and how guilty I would have felt if she had died. Please don't put your daughter through that. Please talk to someone. The way you feel now is tempory, suicide is permanent.

shirazyum · 30/12/2011 21:31

Urghh to the rats. My lads had pet rats at one point foul things!

Does the cat have over or under active thyroid? I know it is tricky to treat

feelokaboutit · 30/12/2011 21:32

Yes, do you have family or friends who could come and see you tonight?

ThatVikRinA22 · 30/12/2011 21:36

do you have any mates/RL pals that you can call on?
i wouldnt like any of my friends to be feeling so down and not letting me help - i would be rather miffed actually.

if you really feel you cannot involve them, for whatever reason, then you ought to pick up the phone and call the samaritans. and then, if you feel like this is a state of mind you might get stuck in, you need to go pay a visit to your GP.

break things down into little chunks. the rats? you call the council. they will put you in touch with someone who can sort it. easy.

rope friends in. rope you DD in. tell her if she wants to keep the animals she will need to help you with them.

Do you work?
Is the house manageable?
could you enlist help from anywhere at all? even pay a cleaner for a few weeks to get on top of things a bit?

but really, in the great scheme of things, everything can be dealt with. nothing is worth leaving your little girl alone. nothing. Smile

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