I now feel as if I have no hope and I really don't want to go on any more

[Punkatheart]

Firstly - I have been drinking...although because I never drink, it is two glasses of wine...but I do feel tiddly.

In July, my OH left me. We have had a bit of a tough time...I was diagnosed with lymphoma in 2003 and our teenage daughter has been very troublesome. But I didn't expect him to be so cowardly...to simply walk away.

I have tried to be patient and kind. He has said that he has problems and now needs counselling. But today I called him to tell him that we have a very bad problem with rats in the garden...please could he sort it out. I have had so much to deal with and I really feel at the end of my tether. We have animals and a house to maintain - I am finding it all too much.

Basically, he told me that he is going away for the weekend. My daughter is also going out on New Years Eve to a sleepover. I have decided really that I have had enough. Thinking about it carefully, I think Beachy Head would be the best option.

I know that I sound pathetic - but I heard today that my blood test results are also not good and that I may have to come off my drugs, that have really been helping.

I have tried.....but the thought that he has put himself first...he was once such a lovely man, so unselfish.....

I feel so alone.

but not immobilsed enough to be able to post the details on here. i am hoping this is just a cry for help that will jolt the OP into doing something for herself by way of accessing help. Real life help. how is it easier to jump off a cliff than pick up a phone and ring a confidential advice line....

i am not being unsympathetic, i see people daily who are crying for help with suicide attempts or threats to do so and i do all i can to help - i have sat with people in A & E for literally hours in the course of my work. i have also been called to the scene of many suicides and i know the effects that it has on those that find the dead body and those who are left behind.

the OP, Punk, must see that this is not the answer and is a very very selfish act to consider when you are a lone parent to a teenager, and that help is out there, that nothing is worth taking this course of action for. i mean that - nothing.

punk - your DH is not the man you thought he was, but thats his tough shit. he is a coward. a weak man who walked when the going got tough, and im so sorry, and i know that you think how you feel cant be helped
but it can.
it can be helped. you can get help. you owe it to yourself and to your daughter. now if this is a wallow, a moan, a cry for help, a need to have people say its ok, and be kind for a few internet minutes, before they go back to their lives, fine.

but this kept me awake last night.

i report threads like this to be told that nothing can be done. so i am meant to sit and read about someone in pain, threatening suicide, and im meant to say what? its ok?

its not ok.
i do know what its like to want to die. i do. i was abused so badly as a child by my step father i attempted suicide, as a child. as an 11 year old child i tried to take my own life.

i also lost a family member to suicide. i am not going to bare my soul here any more than i have, but i want the op to understand what she is doing, she is an adult with responsibilities to her daughter, and while i understand what its like to want to throw the towel in, you cant.
you have a daughter who needs you, no matter what your problems are.
its so much easier to get help, i deal with suicidal people - all you have to do is pick up the phone and call. help is out there for anyone despairing and desperate.

Hi Punk, i'm sorry to hear your troubles. Take heed of the care and advice you've received here.

I have not read every message, so it's probably been said before but here goes;

Think about the legacy you will leave behind to your child who you brought into this world and love so much. What kind of a mother and human do you want her to remember you as being? What example do wish you set for her for her life, at 14 she stull has years of tormented adolesence, teenage, youth and womanhood ahead of her - how do you wish her to live her life? Do you wish to be there to take her through it, draw strength from you?

As a parent i think your life becomes less yours alone to decide on. Your child has a resonable expectation of you - to set an example so she can find her way through life.

..and vicar I think that is why I believe Punk will not commit suicide. I think she needed to try the idea out in a safe way. My concern is that it is the first step, but at this moment I believe she will take heed. Punk I believe that you will keep yourself safe and your daughter safe tonight ...one day at a time today is all we have.

I have just woken up from yet another sleep. I feel calm for the moment. I understand that you are angry with me, Vicar. I understand your reasons. I am so so sorry that you had to go through what you did as a child.

I know that if I do go, it will have horrible horrible effects on my daughter, on my family. That is what is truly torturing me. But I simply do not want to be here, to be sick and disappointed, when all I have done is to the best person I can.

Strange as it may seem, I still love my OH to the very soles of my feet. When he loved me, the world made sense. Now it feels as if everything is being stripped bare and there is horror and cynicism where there was comfort and kindness.

I have called The Samaritans in the past but I have simply gone beyond that stage. I need to wrestle my own demons and what will be, will be. Sometimes, however rational we are, however articulate - pain overtakes us and may claim us eventually.

I am sitting here thinking of my daughter - I assure you. I am clinging on to want to go on, to find something to anchor myself.

You sound as if you have an incredible role, Vicar. I salute you. It is strange but in life, my role has always been to help people. I have enjoyed that, it makes me happy. If feels weird to now be on the other side, the darker side of things. But I feel so weak, so sick, so lost.

It's hard. I am not attention seeking or looking for sympathy. I am a writer and the only thing I am good at is expressing myself. So that is what I must do.

You are clearly very ill, yes. But you can get better- please get help now.

Well one day at a time Punk, you know that you are more than just a writer, you are a mum-you know the score-i am sure..

Oh punk

Losing the one you love is torture, i know. The bald truth is though, we came into the world alone and we go out alone, regardless of the love. Think about this, what are the chances of there being only one soul mate for each out of this big, wide world? And the chances of you finding them, in your own country, your city or town? It's nonsense. We meet people randomly all over the place and settle for one, growing that bond to make them the centre of our world. They don't start out like that. There are a multitude of souls you could fall in love with. It's too simplistic to say the one you met is the only one.

Things happen for a reason. He was good for you for a time and now that time is at an end. That means you are ready for a new stage of your life, there is a reason for this. Either to learn about yourself on a deeper level, and about your character or perhaps to begin a new chapter with another mate who could also be a soul partner. Think of this as the clearing space. You need this time to mourn what was, it's like a death. In some ways it feels worse, because a dead person usually has no choice in leaving and your dh did. Harness some anger, don't give him anymore of your wonderful, punk spirit. He took enough from you.

Well punk, if you truly can't live without his love, then you'll die of a broken heart. But if you kill yourself you'll have made a choice, a really nasty angry and unforgivable choice.

Your ex isn't the only love in your life. Putting everything on to him including your reason for existence is really insulting to your daughter and all the other people who care about you. Why does the man who betrayed you count for more than them?

im not angry with you at all.
im frustrated and sad because if you could just put a fraction of the energy required in posting about being tortured and sad on here into getting real life proper medical help then you just might save yourself, your dd and your family from unending misery.
but saying its gone past that is just a cowardly response. its easier to sit and do nothing than do something. thats true.

you have an anchor to the world. she is 14 years old.

i absolutely do not want to make things worse, but youre ill, you have been ill, you are beating your physical illness, yes your DH left, but is that all you lived for?

i am up, on new years day, while my family sit around me asking when im coming to bed or coming off the pc, begging some stranger not to kill themselves.

i am going to go now before i say something much harsher.
im sorry you feel this way. ultimately my words are just meaningless, because you are ill, and you are wanting to stay ill.

so i shall bow out of this thread now. i hope you find something more than a man to stay on the planet for, i really do.

Punk. Give yourself more time. Even if you just say "ok, one more year and if its no better I am outta here".

But what I guarantee is, by this time next year, you will have come out of the other side of this.

Go to your GP, talk to your daughter, talk to your friends, just talk. Once you start talking to people, you will realise how much you mean to them, and you do have so much left still to give. You were not put on this earth just for the sake of one man. Yes, right now you are in pain, because of him.. but it really really really will get better in time. You have brought a child into this world... do not fuck her life up by taking your own in this way. She doesnt deserve that legacy.

I have watched my husband and my stepkids go to pieces after my FIL hung himself. Having to see the pain on their faces, having to tell them, still haunts me. We have to live with that for the rest of our lives. It completely changed our lives. My husband had a nervous breakdown. It is quite common for the children of suicides to do the same. I was a wreck leaving the house for months, because I dreaded coming home, just in case.

You are suffering at the moment, I understand that, but put your daughter first. She will not be better if you are not around. She needs you, and you need her too.

Dont even concern yourself about a year, take one day at a time Punk, one day at a time..I am sure you will be ok. Time to breathe deeply, take time, I know you are hurting but you will do the right thing by yourself and your darling daughter I am sure of that. Take heart my love XX

Punk it sounds like you need a break from looking after your own well being. Go and check yourself in to mental health voluntarily, even if it's only for a few days, it will give you a break and a chance to really breathe. There is no rblem with it, so many people who are doing well that I know have had to go in for a while.

Glad you came back to let us know how you are feeling Punk. Keep coming back.

It will get better you know. It's bleak and desolate for you now, but it will feel better in time.

What would help you most say for the next week? In an ideal world what would help get you through the next 7 days?

Hey Punk, how's it going? I don't want to see a reply from you, I want to believe that you are snuggled up cosily in bed, looking forward to what this year will bring you. It will be better, my love, so much better. Don't for one minute doubt that.

You know, until very recently I would have admitted to still loving my ex, too. But he's done done some shitty things that prove he doesn't care. Seeing this has helped me enormously, but it's easy for me to demonise him, as we don't have children together. I don't have to worry about badmouthing my kids' Dad, as a lot of people have. It must be incredibly hard to hold your tongue and try to believe the best of someone, for their children's sake.

By the time you read this, your daughter will probably be on her way home from her sleepover, and looking forward to seeing her Mum. Remember how important you are to her, and to us here, too.

still here punk, and still thinkin you'll do the right thing...i second taking some time out for a break.

Punk? Come on ... what''s happening?

Hi Punk

I don't actually believe that you are Ill like some have said. Christ I understand you totally you feel lost, afraid and alone now that your husband has left but that's no reason to end your life. He is not worth you bowing out is he? Leaving your daughter , family and friends who love you. He has left not you. But what you can't do is take your own hurt and pain out on your loved ones by leaving them. That would be cruel, would you want them to feel the way you do right now?

Give yourself time and rest as much as you possibly can. You must decide to keep fighting even when you feel weak. Dont throw in the towel. You are stronger than your think .

The pain only overtakes us if we let it. Don't let it take you to the point of taking your life.

Punk, I lost 2 people to suicide in 2011 and I can't tell you the pain it caused to everyone left behind. I would crawl over hot broken glass for my DCs, please tell me you would do the same for yours. This is the ultimate selfish action - please tell me you're not like that. You would be telling your daughter that you didn't love her enough to get through this. You are better than that and there are so many services available to help you.

Your shit of an OH left you when you needed him most - and he's never there for you now - please don't do the same to your DD.

Sorry I have to say that I don´t think you are suicidal I think you are desperately depressed.

I many years ago worked for samaritins and I have been where you are now. IRONIC hey!

Depression is interalised Anger (best defination I ever heard)

Rather than be angry at your condition, your husband, the rats, what ever you are angry at your self. That is what is killing you slowly and surely, that is what is breaking your heart, that is what is making your life not worth living. Because without hope there is no chance of self love without self love life is hard and painful and lonely

The only thing to do is get your anger and hurt and turning outside where it belongs. Small baby steps so you can get a sence of achievment. like for example

1 Look up the number of the council animal control
2 Write the number done
3 Look up the number of private animal controllers (3) maybe
4 Write them done
5 Look up the condition that you can catch from rats and rat dropings
6 Have a cup of tea
7 Find out the opening hours for the council animal control
8 Call them and arrange an appointment
9 rats gone

1 Call the GP
2 Make a DOUBLE appointment
3 GO TO THE APPOINTMENT AND EXPLAIN WHAT YOU HAVE EXPLAINED HERE
4 ASK FOR HELP AND ACCEPT it
5 GET BETTER (thats a long one)

1 Right down everything that your husband has put you through
2 right down everything your best friend has done for you
3 right down everything that your worst enemy would do you
4 tear off the names at the top of the list and shuffle
5 have a cup of tea
6 look at the list again and see which one should be your husband, best friend and enemy
7 realise that your Husband has cuased you more pain that your enemy
8 start realising that HUSBAND is your worst enemy
9 free write your feelsing about your husband

1 Look up the number of the CAB
2 make an appointment
3 talk about finding a free legal intial consulation
4 look at your situation legally

Love will free you, the Love of your DD your Friends and family and there love for you will keep you safe

THE ANGER and HATE you have SHOULD NOT BE FOR YOU BUT FOR YOU HUSBAND, direct it where it deserves to be and you will start feeling much better.

How are you feeling this morning? Did you get through it. I don't post often either.... but wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you.

I hope you are ok this morning Punk.

I hope you are OK too Punk, and your precious DD. Please post soon so we all know you are OK. x

First thread I came to this morning. Hope you are OK Punk.

Hello Punk... I hope you'll post that you're another day forward from where you were. Please find out what local help is available to you. If that means a trip to the GP with all your thoughts written down, do it. Make the appointment, go, sit down and hand over your written thoughts for the doctor to read. They will have experience and you will not be the only person to have felt themselves to be beyond the help of the Samaritans. You need this, for you and for your daughter.

As far as your ex is concerned. He has done nothing for you. He facilitated the conception of your daughter and that's about it from the sounds of it. You have taken on the mantle of parent and guide for your daughter. Please don't underestimate the role you play in her life. You say that your ex has to have counselling and that you've tried to be understanding and kind... well where has he been that thoughtful of you? He's selfish - you needn't bother worrying about him because he'll always look out for number one - HIM.

I wonder about suicides... I have a friend whose teen son killed himself and I read about people who've gone down this route and it's immeasureably sad. Not for the person who has died, but for the family and friends left in their wake. How do they ever get over it? It sounds, from posters here, that they don't, they can't. If you're taken by your illness at some point, you will be greatly missed but that sense of loss will not be accompanied by anger that you've brought your death about by your own hand. You have a daughter and as Izzy has very eloquently posted above, she will never, NEVER have the carefree and wonderful life that you've planned and wished for her. Don't make this about your ex, he's your past and his needs should no longer be at the forefront of your mind - yours and your daughter's needs are paramount. If you kill yourself, you will destroy part of your daughter's life for good.

There have been some really heartwrenching posts on this thread, Punk, you're not alone, you'll never truly be alone, but you need the help that people are urging you to get. Think of the problem-solving skills that you'd employ were it your daughter contemplating suicide... what would you do? What WOULDN'T you do to get help for her, to stop her from destroying herself? Take that resolve and apply it to YOU right now.

Practically, make out a list of all the things that are 'bugging' you right now. We know about the rats. I would suggest getting on to your local councillor rather than the council, if you can't afford the payment. Your councillor will have more means at their disposal to find a way to solve this problem for you at no or much reduced cost. That's one down.... NEXT?

You can do this, Punk, you're posting, you have your wits about you and there are ways out of the mire that don't involve suicide. Please get help and post here and anywhere else for support.