I now feel as if I have no hope and I really don't want to go on any more

[Punkatheart]

Firstly - I have been drinking...although because I never drink, it is two glasses of wine...but I do feel tiddly.

In July, my OH left me. We have had a bit of a tough time...I was diagnosed with lymphoma in 2003 and our teenage daughter has been very troublesome. But I didn't expect him to be so cowardly...to simply walk away.

I have tried to be patient and kind. He has said that he has problems and now needs counselling. But today I called him to tell him that we have a very bad problem with rats in the garden...please could he sort it out. I have had so much to deal with and I really feel at the end of my tether. We have animals and a house to maintain - I am finding it all too much.

Basically, he told me that he is going away for the weekend. My daughter is also going out on New Years Eve to a sleepover. I have decided really that I have had enough. Thinking about it carefully, I think Beachy Head would be the best option.

I know that I sound pathetic - but I heard today that my blood test results are also not good and that I may have to come off my drugs, that have really been helping.

I have tried.....but the thought that he has put himself first...he was once such a lovely man, so unselfish.....

I feel so alone.

[Punkatheart]

Thank you Curtain. His call, sadly. Let's see if he is indeed a wise man or a fool. Until then, i intend to push myself if I can, work through the blues.

[ChristmasIsGone]

Punk, I just wanted to say how strong you are coming accross, even a few days ago when you were in that very black hole.
Living with a serious illness is hard in itself.
Coping with with a divorce is hard in itself.
Doing both at the same time is harder than just the two together.

But you still have this amazing ability to think about other people, your H, your dd, what can you do to build bridges between them etc...
And you still have the ability, despite everything to find some compassion for your H. Be careful though. Being compasionate is one thing but don't let his problems become your problems (Yes I know they do have an impact...) because you can not solve them for him.

I wish you all the best, to you, your dd and your H.

[midwife99]

I'm so glad you're protecting yourself & feeling stronger Punk x

[Punkatheart]

I want to thank you all again - I will never stop thanking you - for all your support/private messages that have helped so very very much.

I do still have very blue days - where I have to tell myself off and try and turn it round to something else that is positive. I have had a long conversation with OH/ex OH this morning - he agrees that limbo is horrible for everyone, but that he wants to go through the counselling sessions to really get stuff clear in his mind, before he can think of coming home. He knows what is at stake, at what he will lose. He wants to be 100% that he can come home, be happy and stay with us. We are both being honest. He misses his extended family too and all those factors will come into play.

Not ideal. One way or the other we could deal and move on. Any other man, I would have given the chop a long time ago believe me. But we have built up 20 years of a very strong relationship. Issues, yes...but neither of us have stopped loving one another.

So on we plod. Me trying to achieve through treacle.

Again - thank you - I know some of you are in your own dark places, so I send out my thoughts and compassion for you.

Life is a strange beast isn't it? Just when you think that you have it all saddled up and you are riding it with a whip in your hand - it turns the tables and rides you instead. It feels bloody heavy.

[yummyoldbag]

namechanger

So pleased you are at least considering how much he has to lose. You are one brave woman. Please ensure he works things out totally before even trying to convince you to let him return (if he does). I despise online fora diagnosis but this site has a lot of women who share stories about living with (or being left by) a man in midlife crisis.

midlifeclubforum.com/index.php?board=13.0

A central message from those more experienced than I is to detach. This is often referred to

www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

The idea is that there is little anyone can do to influence another when that other is in a throes of a crisis. The only path left is to care for yourself, make a life and even if you are leaving a door open ensure you have some control over the threshold.

I think this is good advice whatever label is attached to what your husband is going through right now. It is also very very good advice to someone who is struggling with their own black dog.

Take care

[Punkatheart]

I am learning some inner toughness. I called it 'hard' in my thread and someone pulled me up sharply on it. But I am learning to be stronger. I saw him yesterday and felt all the rush of emotions, but I showed none. I was happy, together and said hello and goodbye with civility. I am seeing a pattern now that he wants to see us both and then looks sad to leave us.

I am preparing myself for both sets of outcomes. But I know that I will emerge from this knowing myself so much better. I am not saying that all long relationships are like this but it is all too easy to lose yourself and become part of a couple only. It's an interesting lesson, one I wasn't expecting and one I can see more clearly now that I am not completely swamped by grief.

[FabbyChic]

Some people have talked utter shit on this thread, when at times the OP has needed help.

I myself went the route of thinking suicide and when you reach that low in your life you do feel that is the only way out.

Depression is and always will be a selfish - me me me - illness, because at the time the only thing the person feels is deep and immense pain at having to get up and breathe and live another day.

Some of the pull yourself together shit really gets on my chesticles, it is not like that, it is not easy, it is impossible.

The OP has come a hell of a long way since she started posting, she is intelligent, articulate, and very brave to have suffered and be suffering as she is.

Sleeping is a great healer when you are depressed and she clearly displays serious depressive tendancies, but she has helped herself a lot, she understands herself, the need to sleep when depressed is like a drug because whilst you are sleeping nothing hurts, your chest can breathe easy.

Take care of yourself you wonderful lady, you know both your daughter and your partner so well, and engineering the meeting was a brilliant idea.

I hope you both find your way from the fog and are able to in time put these dark times behind you.

Get some anti-depressants I promise you the right ones are life savers.

Take care.

[Punkatheart]

What a glorious and astonishing post.

Thank you Fabby, from the bottom of my heart.

[FabbyChic]

I've been there honey, I know what it's like, how hard each day is to face.

I know it takes time to get over the grief, to pull yourself back from the brink.

I have empathy for those who suffer, yet I'm not emphatic to anything else.

But depression kills, I know, I too planned, but I sought help and the tablets I live on allow me to breathe and wake every day glad that I still do.

x

[Punkatheart]

Oh fuck. I was doing so well. But then one conversation with OH and it seems to tumble away - it makes me realise still how fragile I am and how easily the facade of strength falls away. He is so frustrating to deal with and frustration is the word of the day. Limbo limbo - bloody limbo. I am putting too much store in his counselling and there are days (usually days after I have my chemo injection) when I feel so exhausted and defeated.

Sorry - feel like a moan. Tired of crying, feeling powerless, being a sap. Tomorrow I have a friend who I am helping with marketing of her book - I feel more comfortable if I can help someone. But in my mind - always in my mind - is the thought that I will end up as some bitter old woman.

[changeforthebetter]

Punk are you OK? Just saw you reposted here. Sorry that you feel fragile -not surprising with what you are facing. You are not a sap. You are amazing.

I secretly think I'll turn into a bitter old woman too!

[carlywurly]

Every time I see this thread title my stomach lurches. I don't think I've posted on your threads before but I do read them, and feel deeply for you. Years on from my separation from XH, he has the power to affect me so much. I hate seeing him and do anything to avoid it as I find it so unsettling, even though I'd never want us to be reconciled. It must be a million times worse if you're still in love with your ex.

Do you know, Punk, I bet most of us on here who have been through any kind of trauma have a secret fear of ending up a bitter old woman, I know I do!! DP's mum is an utter example of the way I don't want to be.

But, I think because you're so self-aware, you just won't be. You've got so much to give, and although it doesn't feel it now, you will be happy again someday soon.

[Punkatheart]

Thank you both. I have opened a bottle of champagne - the champagne I have kept for the day he might come home. I will only drink two glasses, but I really feel that I have to escape from these awful feelings that are threatening to take hold.

I won't let it defeat me...it all sometimes feel so surreal, as if I am watching it happen to someone else. Oh yes, I am still in love with my ex...truly wish that this was not the case. I have never stopped really.

Life must take the path it has set out for us. Sorry to hear that you still feel so affected by your ex, carly. I wish you happiness too.

xx

[midwife99]

Punk you will not end up a bitter old woman because you think and talk through your feelings & have loads of self awareness. OF COURSE you are fragile, you are going through chemo & have a daughter to look after while your ex looks after his own needs only. You may always love him for the man he once was but I think you'll eventually hit that brick wall & say NO MORE!!! When that day comes you can distance yourself from him & recover.

[Punkatheart]

Thank you midwife. I was shocked by his selfishness on the phone and his refusal to communicate. My compassion for him waned considerably. I have cut off contact for a while to recover myself. I have have had some good news this week though: a story of mine will be read by actors in London, my white cell count - which was seriously low - has now rallied and I have got a freelance writing job for two months. All positive. You are right - I am determined NOT to be a bitter old lady (I nearly typed biter then and that makes a completely different kind of old lady). But trust now sadly will always be an issue. I have always been a very trusting and loving kind of person - I don't want to lose the core of myself...

[midwife99]

That's all great news! Your ex cannot hurt you & drag you down if you block contact with him until you are truly strong & have that shield of woman power to protect you. It'll be hard to trust again but I know you will because you are a loving person x

[KnowYourself]

Why should you stop being a loving and trustful person??
You are still a loving person. Look at what you are doing with your dd, your friend you are helping atm.
And I am sure there are lots of people you are still trusting now.

You can be trustful but it doesn't mean you have to trust anybody and everybody. Trust is something that can be detroyed. But it dies not mean it has changed you as a person. You are still the same woman as before.

[joblot]

I'm so happy you've got good news. Amazing you've achieved so much and yet so many barriers. Congratulations. Raising my glass to you

[Punkatheart]

Thank you all. Cheers joblot!

[bodaba]

Hiya girl! Bit pressed for time so could not read the whole thread! So delighted that you are still posting! Best wishes to you and your daughter!

[yummyoldbag]

X

[yummyoldbag]

Fuck it. Kisses so lame. Consider yourself given a huge bear hug.

[RachyRach30]

Hi Punk,

It has been a while since I last posted. How are you today?
I Don't know if you are the same as me but love and relationships are the things in my life that always throw me off kilter. I am quite an emotional person and deeply care about loved ones, probably insecure and find trust hard. I am loyal and when people test this it hurts so much. If its work or other areas I can cope but it seems to fall to pieces around men and sometimes family.

you can deal with this though even though it is tough and I do feel your pain.

[Punkatheart]

Hello there all. Rachy I really understand. Work, friendships, even a crisis - these are all things I can handle and succeed at. But love? I put so much of myself into the equation and I am so achingly honest, that I leave myself open to being vulnerable.

The situation now feels like a bad talent show, where the host says: 'And the winner is.........'

His mother now seems to have broken off contact, which I see as another bad sign.

So I wait, preparing myself for what I think the outcome will be. Trying to go on and do positive things, with good people. I have so many people telling me I am beautiful, a kind person, a clever and talented person. The one person who cannot see any of this of course is him.

Thank you for the bearhug yummy - I feel that I need it today.

Keep safe and happy everyone. Life is a funny old thing. Truly. Things are not dealt fairly or evenly. All I want is to love him, to be given the chance to make him happy. I don't consider that weak or anti-feminist. Just honest.

[Punkatheart]

I also hope that the counsellor is a good one, who can explain to him the complex issues of dealing with a partner who is ill. I did try and explain that when someone is ill, it is painful to watch. Then when they get better for a while - a person could shut down to protect themselves, anticipating the next cycle of illness. I have had such an up-down time in this respect. Chemo and radiotherapy - bald, scabby - then fit as a flea - back to bald, exhausted, hardly able to get out of bed - then fit, healthy, with shiny hair. And so forth. It has made me a different person, meant that I have not achieved as much as I could.

But there is no point drowning in analysis. What's done is done.