I now feel as if I have no hope and I really don't want to go on any more

[Punkatheart]

Firstly - I have been drinking...although because I never drink, it is two glasses of wine...but I do feel tiddly.

In July, my OH left me. We have had a bit of a tough time...I was diagnosed with lymphoma in 2003 and our teenage daughter has been very troublesome. But I didn't expect him to be so cowardly...to simply walk away.

I have tried to be patient and kind. He has said that he has problems and now needs counselling. But today I called him to tell him that we have a very bad problem with rats in the garden...please could he sort it out. I have had so much to deal with and I really feel at the end of my tether. We have animals and a house to maintain - I am finding it all too much.

Basically, he told me that he is going away for the weekend. My daughter is also going out on New Years Eve to a sleepover. I have decided really that I have had enough. Thinking about it carefully, I think Beachy Head would be the best option.

I know that I sound pathetic - but I heard today that my blood test results are also not good and that I may have to come off my drugs, that have really been helping.

I have tried.....but the thought that he has put himself first...he was once such a lovely man, so unselfish.....

I feel so alone.

[Lueji]

Take it easy.

You will probably find that you will get fitter as you go out.

I hope your daughter has nothing serious.

And tomorrow will definitely be better. :-)

[RachyRach30]

Hi punk,

You are in the wars. I will say a little prayer for your daughter tonight. I really hope it is not a serious heart problem. It could be stress related as you said. That's not good either but at least it will not be serious. Hope that is the cause.

Why did you feel demoralised punk? Honestly don't beat yourself up about not feeling fit you've been through a lot. Your doing so well, you don't need to feel on top all the time. Take it easy, be good to yourself.

That must have been scary, rats attacking your cat. Hope he or she is okay.

Good way to look at it, tomorrow is a new day and a new beginning .

[Punkatheart]

Thank you, you beautiful ladies.

Not a good day today. I have stupidly taken on a couple of months full-time work. One day commuting and I realise that I am not fit enough. I felt really really broken today - exhausted and demoralised. I have also found out it is quite possible that my daughter is now suffering from a genetic heart condition - brought on emotional stress. Either that or pure stress is creating symptoms. She has to go for blood tests and an ECG. So I was very angry with ex. Very angry. Also scared, but trying not to think of the worst.

Keep your fingers crossed that she is OK - it is a serious condition and would have big implications for her.

This morning just as I was getting ready for work, a creature of some description completely smashed in my cat flap and tried to attack my darling little elderly cat. Thank God I was still at home and I managed to fix the cat flap back on myself. We have a rat problem in the garden (hence the cats) and so I had visions of coming home with rats pouring through that cat flap. A nightmare indeed.

Tomorrow will be another day. It can't be any worse.

[fayster]

Hi Punk,
I'm sad for you that this has happened at all, but I'm really pleased that you've taken such a positive step in taking control of your (and your daughter's) life.

I'm also very sad to read that you will never trust a man again - I do hope that's not the case. I was also let down by an ex whom I trusted completely and I'm terrified of ever trusting someone again, but I still hope that one day I will meet someone who will be worthy of my trust. You are an incredibly brave, strong and loving woman, and sometimes it feels like being trusting isn't part of that, but it will be, I'm sure.

[springaroundthecorner]

Hi Punk, glad you have come to this big decision. You can move forward now into a brighter future. Good luck with it all. Keep posting x

[RachyRach30]

Hi Punk,

Sorry to hear about you and your husband. I have often thought about you, glad you have come back to post. I think you are a lovely person and a wonderful writer. I wish I could write so eloquently.

How are you? Have you been busy writing today?

[tallwivglasses]

Well me and the people that shortlisted you share good taste

I'm hardly beautiful and academic, more frazzled and arty (though dd says I'm bootiful...). However I have been known to peer over me specs in a disdainful manner - no mean feat when you're taller than them but most satisfying.

Sorry to hear about your dd. I agree with Lueji - get that support network on board. And we're not going anywhere x

[Punkatheart]

Thanks Lueji, Sorry and feedback. He will in time realise but it will be too late. You gorgeous ladies. Have a fantastic weekend. I have things to achieve. I intend to be a famous writer. Oh yeah.

[feedbackforfree]

Hey Punk, I posted early on under a different name. (We Pm'd a couple of times and you said I understood your feelings toward your H.)

Well, I knew you would get here. It's all a process and it can be a slightly different path for each of us but basically, the stages are the same, we just do things in our own time. You have always been, in my mind, an exemplary human being and you have re-found your strength. If possible, you are even more exemplary!

Love to you and I wish you all the best. J xx

[SorryMyLollipop]

Punk I lurked before, just caught up. You have done so well. You have reclaimed your power. Bloody fantastic

[Lueji]

I have only read the thread now, and I wanted to congratulate you on being the strong person and ending the relationship.
The anger you are (were) feeling is part of the grieving process. You will feel better. :)

It seems to be that you will be strong enough to face whatever comes. Unlike your ex. He probably wouldn't be much support for you, if you think about it. These men can actually make things worse. :(

Work on building your support network of friends and relatives. Your daughter and you are the most important thing now and you may even notice that your relationship improves.

[Punkatheart]

Firstly, thank you.

I do also love your user name - I think of a beautiful academic, looking over her glasses with contempt and all these weak and stupid men.

....and thank you so much for the compliment about my writing. It is strange how I have had so much success, been so much more productive, since he left me. I have even been shortlisted for a literary prize.

The aloneness does worry me. I am a communicator and a confider. I enjoy loving someone and I adored being loved.

You have a fantastic attitude. If you do go looking you will certainly have the strength and confidence to pick well. You sound together and sassy. I am not yet - the anger is now coming on me in waves. Also, my daughter is having some worrying health symptoms and has to go for some tests. A worry and yes, I am angry that I don't have a supportive partner on which to lean.

But bring it all. Like Lear in the storm 'Blow winds and crack my cheeks.'

As long as it's not that sort of unladylike wind and it's my bum cheeks.

[tallwivglasses]

Punk, you weren't a fool. You're not a fool. You were trusting and optimistic and all good things. So was I.

Considering a life all alone? I'm 52, been alone for five years, love it...I'll maybe start looking again in 5 years time if I can be arsed

You're right - he will be the loser in the long term.

I really do love your writing btw.

[Punkatheart]

Thank you both. He came round last night to see our daughter and it all got a bit ugly between us. My daughter by this time was up in the shower but I just suddenly felt such a welling up of fury. He is a very foolish man and he really did look exhausted and depressed. I asked him if he expected to be happy now but he said that he is in hell. I haven't covered myself in glory the last two days and we have been in touch - but only to express anger and for him to frequently apologise. Apparently he had really no intention of coming back after the counselling - he has never intended to come back - such a cowardly thing to spin me along. Horrible horrible disrespect for the mother of your child.

I know he will be the loser long term. I do believe that if you do harm to other human beings, there will be a price. Not karma exactly but some shifting of justice.

I have also demanded that I get to go on a holiday with my daughter - he has to look after the house and animals. There is no negotiation on this one. I would like a gardener and a cleaner to help with a house I cannot maintain on my own. I will live a good life now, as much as I can. I am tired and I feel ugly, demoralised. But I looked at him last night - an overweight man with a tired face, dead eyes and I felt pity in amongst the fury. But not that much pity.

Thank you all again. I have been a fool in a lot of ways - a foolish woman loving someone who is spineless and unworthy. The saddest thing is that I could never ever trust a man with my heart again. Ever. So I must now consider a life alone - which is frightening, unfair, sad. Can't think what I have done to deserve it. I see friends with their husbands and I feel bereft. I thought once upon a time that I had a good man. But all he kept going on about was that the relationship had changed, that it wasn't like it was in the beginning. After 20 years? I find this a ridiculous statement - as relationships take work. They change, they go through rough patches.

Oh well.

[izzyizin]

Self-preservation is the name of the game, Punk.

It's the right action, the only action, you could take to reclaim your power.

It's another roll of the dice but, however they fall, you'll be the winner.

Yet again your indomitable spirit has proved itself up for the challenge - you are truly one A-mazing woman, and I salute you

[tallwivglasses]

Oh Punk, you've done the right thing - for you and your daughter. Tomorrow you'll feel a little better...then the next day and the next. You're a remarkable person.

[Punkatheart]

I truly have to rebuild the belief in myself as a person. I am finding it very tough - I have a shedload of responsibilities and today, perhaps with all the stress, I am feeling very unwell physically.

So thank you.

[TimeForMeAndDD]

Well done You have done exactly the right thing.

Stay strong x

[AnyFucker]

Oh, Punk, I can't rememeber if I posted on this thread or not, without scrlling all the way

I certainly lurked on it and thought you got good advice, as hard as it was to hear for you at the time

I have also seen you "around" and wondered where you were up to

I do think you have done the right thing in making a decision for yourself and taking you out of that awful limbo. It was never a good idea to put your future in the hands of a man you couldn't rely on to support you back as much as you did for him.

All the best x

[Punkatheart]

Just to let you know - because you have all been so wise and tough and wonderful. This evening, during another frustrating conversation with my OH, I made a decision. He is hurting me (and my daughter) so very much. It is all about what he wants - whether he can come back. FFS - he either loves me or he does not. So I took the lead and took back the power. I told him I will not be hurt any more, I deserve better and he is insulting me by 'deciding whether he can love me.' You either love someone or you don't.

I have ended it now. Ended the limbo. I said that if he went through the counselling and decided otherwise he would have a hell of a job winning me back. I deserve a loving partner, one with whom to share my life. My daughter deserves a decent father. I now want to move on.

I was half expecting him to be relieved but he just went deathly quiet.

I am done now. I can grieve but I can move on.

Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart to all of you.

[Punkatheart]

They know their own minds, don't they? I will just have to be the one who takes all the hormonal horrors....poor kid is really going through it...

[springaroundthecorner]

Hi Punk. Good to hear from you.

I think you are right not to force the issue with your daughter. My teenage DS has been much happier since he stopped seeing his father, so wanted to let you know it worked out for us. I've taken the view that I should step away from facilitating the relationship between them and then that relationship can take its natural course. That course for the time being is not to have any contact.

Hope you feel a bit better soon x

[Punkatheart]

Just waving to everyone. Having really bad issues with my daughter at the moment - her behaviour is becoming very difficult. Catch 22 - she doesn't want to see her father - is adamant - but then regards him as a stranger. He would like to have regular visits but I will not force the issue and upset her any more than necessary.

It's all giving me a headache. A big one!

His first proper counselling session is on Friday.....

[Punkatheart]

I also hope that the counsellor is a good one, who can explain to him the complex issues of dealing with a partner who is ill. I did try and explain that when someone is ill, it is painful to watch. Then when they get better for a while - a person could shut down to protect themselves, anticipating the next cycle of illness. I have had such an up-down time in this respect. Chemo and radiotherapy - bald, scabby - then fit as a flea - back to bald, exhausted, hardly able to get out of bed - then fit, healthy, with shiny hair. And so forth. It has made me a different person, meant that I have not achieved as much as I could.

But there is no point drowning in analysis. What's done is done.

[Punkatheart]

Hello there all. Rachy I really understand. Work, friendships, even a crisis - these are all things I can handle and succeed at. But love? I put so much of myself into the equation and I am so achingly honest, that I leave myself open to being vulnerable.

The situation now feels like a bad talent show, where the host says: 'And the winner is.........'

His mother now seems to have broken off contact, which I see as another bad sign.

So I wait, preparing myself for what I think the outcome will be. Trying to go on and do positive things, with good people. I have so many people telling me I am beautiful, a kind person, a clever and talented person. The one person who cannot see any of this of course is him.

Thank you for the bearhug yummy - I feel that I need it today.

Keep safe and happy everyone. Life is a funny old thing. Truly. Things are not dealt fairly or evenly. All I want is to love him, to be given the chance to make him happy. I don't consider that weak or anti-feminist. Just honest.