Firstly - I have been drinking...although because I never drink, it is two glasses of wine...but I do feel tiddly.
In July, my OH left me. We have had a bit of a tough time...I was diagnosed with lymphoma in 2003 and our teenage daughter has been very troublesome. But I didn't expect him to be so cowardly...to simply walk away.
I have tried to be patient and kind. He has said that he has problems and now needs counselling. But today I called him to tell him that we have a very bad problem with rats in the garden...please could he sort it out. I have had so much to deal with and I really feel at the end of my tether. We have animals and a house to maintain - I am finding it all too much.
Basically, he told me that he is going away for the weekend. My daughter is also going out on New Years Eve to a sleepover. I have decided really that I have had enough. Thinking about it carefully, I think Beachy Head would be the best option.
I know that I sound pathetic - but I heard today that my blood test results are also not good and that I may have to come off my drugs, that have really been helping.
I have tried.....but the thought that he has put himself first...he was once such a lovely man, so unselfish.....
I feel so alone.
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I now feel as if I have no hope and I really don't want to go on any more
Punkatheart · 30/12/2011 20:57
Good luck with chucking yourself off Beachy Head, Punk. It'll be a veritable party down there tonight with the volunteers and the police out in force determined to stop the equally determined from making the jump, and I suggest you take a toothbrush and nightie because it's likely you'll be waking up tomorrow morning on a psych ward.
As for the doing the deed somewhere else, unless you want to ruin your darling dd's Christmases and New Years for the duration of her, hopefully very long, life you know you can't make away with yourself on New Year's Eve.
Think about it; for ever more the poor girl will dread Christmas as she knows it will shortly be followed by the anniversary of your death and, while the world makes merry heralding in yet another year, she will never again be able to wholeheartedly join in the celebrations.
Jeez, she may so beat herself up for having enjoyed herself for a few hours that your untimely death may be enough to make her never be able to enjoy herself again for fear that a few snatched hours of happiness may culminate in devastating grief and anguish.
Presupposing that she outwardly appears to have come to terms with losing you to the angry god that is suicide, she'll likely remain extremely fragile on the inside. If, at some point in the future, the going gets tough for her she may even decide to take a leaf out of your book and opt for a swift exit.
That's not much of a legacy, is it? Plus if you're married and haven't made a will the bulk, if not all, of your estate will go to him and where's that going to leave her? As for the animals; he'll have the cat put down and the chickens will be turned into pies but you won't be around to see it.
When you think about it in these terms suicide is just not a viable option for you, is it? There's never going be a good time to top yourself because you have a dd that is more precious to you than the present temporarily poor quality of your life, and because you're a sentient being who is not driven by the demons of mental illness.
Of course you feel down; after what you've been through, honey, most of us would be on our knees. But you know something? When you're down and out on the floor of the abyss the only way is up, even if it means lying on that damned floor for a while until you can summon the energy to begin the slow climb that may cause you to fall back down more than a few times in what may be a futile attempt to drag yourself out of the pit of despair.
You might not make it back to the top, but isn't it better to die trying than do away with yourself in a fit of pique because it's all 'got too much'?
I seem to recall that you've said similar in your various caring and inspired responses to those who haven't undergone half of what you've endured since your diagnosis. You've never seemed to be one of those who can hand out advice but not take it - have another read of what's been written to you and know that, even though it may seem to you that those you love in rl don't always reciprocate your feelings, you are wanted and needed here without question or condition.
With every word you've written about your glorious, feisty girl it's been apparent that you'd walk over burning coals for your precious dd. Keep walking through your heartache, Punk, because your dd needs you on her side and by her side.
Your bravery and courage are an inspiration to many; isn't it better to be forever loved and respected for those sterling qualities rather than thought of as a coward who jumped ship and left a trail of misery in their wake because their sea got a bit choppy?
As for the rats, a quick call to your local council will fix them - shame the rat who abandoned you in July can't be dealt with as expediently.
Happy New Year Punk - and many more of them to you. Have a few of these 
and catch an early night. Tomorrow is another day with another chance to stick some plasters over the broken bits and keep yourself together for your dd.
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