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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I now feel as if I have no hope and I really don't want to go on any more

223 replies

Punkatheart · 30/12/2011 20:57

Firstly - I have been drinking...although because I never drink, it is two glasses of wine...but I do feel tiddly.

In July, my OH left me. We have had a bit of a tough time...I was diagnosed with lymphoma in 2003 and our teenage daughter has been very troublesome. But I didn't expect him to be so cowardly...to simply walk away.

I have tried to be patient and kind. He has said that he has problems and now needs counselling. But today I called him to tell him that we have a very bad problem with rats in the garden...please could he sort it out. I have had so much to deal with and I really feel at the end of my tether. We have animals and a house to maintain - I am finding it all too much.

Basically, he told me that he is going away for the weekend. My daughter is also going out on New Years Eve to a sleepover. I have decided really that I have had enough. Thinking about it carefully, I think Beachy Head would be the best option.

I know that I sound pathetic - but I heard today that my blood test results are also not good and that I may have to come off my drugs, that have really been helping.

I have tried.....but the thought that he has put himself first...he was once such a lovely man, so unselfish.....

I feel so alone.

OP posts:
shirazyum · 30/12/2011 21:38

www.reading.gov.uk/businesses/public-health/pest-control-service/

costs £114 :(

I wonder if your daughter's father would go halves? They do three visits for the price so it might just sort it out?

dustlandfairytale · 30/12/2011 21:39

A very old and good friend of mine committed suicide in October leaving behind a child. The pain is immense. Please do not do this to your child. She loves you, you have her love. However difficult your relationship is at the moment it will improve. Hang on in there. Please ring the Samaritans x

Milkandlotsofwineplease · 30/12/2011 21:40

Punk-Things may seem hopeless at the minute, but you can overcome it. This is the time of year where those of us who are struggling (you, me, many, many others) feel it the most.

It is late, you are alone and have been drinking. It's not a time for rash choices. Think of your lovely daughter, and how much she would be damaged if you did the thing you speak of. You are needed, you are loved, hang on in there xx

shirazyum · 30/12/2011 21:42

Look. No one can tell you what to do. But please ring this number before you go hunting for Beachy Head in the dark

08457 90 90 90

dearprudence · 30/12/2011 21:46

Shit, punkatheart. No wonder you're feeling bad. But this night will pass, and you can face another day. Please call Samaritans, or someone you know in RL. If even my most casual acquaintance called me and told me they were suicidal I would drop everything to help them - anyone would.

snoopdogg · 30/12/2011 21:49

This, too, will pass.

x

shirazyum · 30/12/2011 21:51

Just done a quick stalk of you across MN

Remember that party in July? How brave you were and how good you felt?

I have also been struck by the excellent and thoughtful advice you have given to others.

Oh Punk, you have way to much to teach your daughter to run out now. Just think she might grow up to be a brave and caring as you. I suspect that she will need your love and support to achieve this though.

Original poster
Punkatheart · 30/12/2011 21:54

I know in the small portion of my rational brain that I can call the council but you know what, I wanted him to care, to want to help.

I am trying to get things balanced, to get myself back on track.

Please don't worry about me...I am sorry that I have intruded into your lives in any way. Please kiss your families and enjoy the New Year. Value the things you have.

I am hurting. Just hurting. So much.

OP posts:
hellhasnofury · 30/12/2011 21:54

Come on Punk, you can get through this night. Just concentrate on getting through til the morning. When's your girl home?

Original poster
Punkatheart · 30/12/2011 21:57

She is home now and I will not do it tonight, not with her in the house. But tomorrow she is gone all day.

OP posts:
hellhasnofury · 30/12/2011 21:58

You haven't intruded. If I didn't want to respond I would've just moved on to the next thread. I've been in that dark place you're in right now, I remember sitting in the car looking at the tree, trying to figure out what speed I needed to hit it at. I'd like to offer a very un-MN hug to you right now.

shirazyum · 30/12/2011 22:00

Right listen up. You need a plan for tomorrow (and a huge drink of water right now)

Friends? Family?

Who is around Punk?

kodachrome · 30/12/2011 22:00

Please, don't do it to her. Read up on the impact of suicide on the people left behind. Even if you manage it so it's not her that finds you.

samsonthecat · 30/12/2011 22:09

Please don't put your daughter through the distress it will cause her. I've been there and felt the dispair but it can get better. Friends and family will help, you just need to ask.

perfumedlife · 30/12/2011 22:13

Punk I often wonder how suicide is guareteed to be a better option. No one knows whats after death, what if suicide results in more of the same, but for eternity? We don't know. Don't take that chance. What if...our state of mind on dying sets the tone for an eternal ever after?

And your dd. She needs you and loves you. I live with chronic health problems and I know how damned depressing it is, you become so worn down, so tired. But somewhere inside you is still that riotous, vibrant punk. She can come back, better than ever. Batten down the hatches for a few days, call in the council and talk to us, you can get life back on track. I know you can.

ThatVikRinA22 · 30/12/2011 22:18

sorry - this will sound harsh - you think that by bailing out and throwing yourself off beachy head you are solving your problems? yes sure...but you are making twice as many for your teenage daughter.

my dd is 14, i could no more do this to her than i could fly to the sun. i have dealt with suicides. messy. awful. the pain of those left is something i find hard to deal with.

why, in the name of all that is holy, are you not seeking help? could you really put your daughter through the pain, the terror, the despair and the guilt? could you? to what? show your ex that he is a bastard who has pushed you a step too far for not caring?
sod him. sod the silly selfish cowardly idiot. get angry.
What are you hoping to do to the people left? show your ex?
you will damage your dd. real damage. how could you do that? you might as well just do it in front of her - it will do no more damage than waiting ofr her to be gone tomorrow to friends.

really. you need to phone the samaritans and talk these feelings through with someone.

i want to be supportive but i cannot sit here and support a person planning to kill themselves by making gentle soothing noises and saying it will be ok.
if you do this it will not be ok. i hope you understand that?

Seabright · 30/12/2011 22:19

Punk - you haven't intruded; so many of us have felt this, have just wanted to not exist any more, let us help you - soon it will be you helping one of us.

When I feel I no longer want to exist, I just keep repeating "This too, will pass. This too, will pass".

Keep talking to us.

HoudiniHissy · 30/12/2011 22:23

Punk, I'm near basingstoke, I can't ome to you tonight as boyo is asleep, but if you need company tomorrow, I am free. Can I help? PM me if you'd like me to pop over? I can't be THAT far from you?

LifeHope11 · 30/12/2011 22:23

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please listen to what everyone is saying, get all the help you can (practical & emotional, personal & professional) to get you through this time. For the sake of your DD as well as for you. I have been suicidal myself & I know what it is like to feel despair, i know the feeling that the despair goes on & on, but it DOES pass and life is so worth living....even if troubles don't go away entirely you can get your zest for life back. I am thinking of you & wish you all the good in the world.

kodachrome · 30/12/2011 22:24

Punk, the man is an asshole, he's not the man you thought he was or he could have been. Don't let his shitness define your life. The one good thing he gave you was your dd. Don't fuck her up for the sake of sodding rats and how crap he can be. I know she is golden to you.

shirazyum · 30/12/2011 22:28

Punk, please let us know that you will think long and hard.

Have you had some water yet?

Houdin - I am pretty close too. The Samaritans are the best bet for you right now Punk, but would you like to meet for a coffee and a grumble sometime? We could stage a down with the twunt(s) sit in!

tallwivglasses · 30/12/2011 23:04

I really like you Punk.

You're a great writer and you convey what's going on in your life so well. You give good advice with a generous dash of empathy and humour.

You've probably got a fair few more lurker-fans out there in the web-o-sphere who are rooting (sp?) for you. Drink some water, eat if you haven't, sleep if you can...and if you can't, I'm sure mn will come good x

thunderboltsandlightning · 30/12/2011 23:09

It hurts, but no man is worth killing yourself for. Particularly when you've got a daughter to live for.

It won't even solve the problems. Your ex will still be a dick who hurt you.

Please reach out to someone in real life and tell them what's going on. Don't go through this on your own.

Charbon · 30/12/2011 23:19

I've seen your threads and posts from time to time and always felt that you were giving your ex far too much credit for being a tortured soul, rather than a pretty ordinary arsewipe who wouldn't give you the real reasons for his departure and couldn't be bothered to see his daughter for weeks at a time.

You think doing this would punish him and make him value what he threw away?

No. It would only punish the people who really love and rely on you - and they don't deserve that.

I'm sorry if this sounds tough, but put all thoughts of this out of your head and in the New Year, toughen up and don't depend on him for ANYTHING. Deal with running a household by any other means, getting help from friends if necessary - but STOP asking him for help. He is not your friend and he is too selfish right now to care. You're best chance of survival is to assume he is out of your life and out of reach.

You cannot imagine the guilt that innocent people feel when a loved one commits suicide. It's a supremely selfish, narcissistic act. Sorry if this offends others, but I've seen at close quarters the wreckage this creates and the longstanding legacy of it, especially in children.

kodachrome · 30/12/2011 23:22

This is true.

My mum has found a suicide.

I know you already feel shit, OP, but you know you love your dd. Don't do it.