I now feel as if I have no hope and I really don't want to go on any more

[Punkatheart]

Firstly - I have been drinking...although because I never drink, it is two glasses of wine...but I do feel tiddly.

In July, my OH left me. We have had a bit of a tough time...I was diagnosed with lymphoma in 2003 and our teenage daughter has been very troublesome. But I didn't expect him to be so cowardly...to simply walk away.

I have tried to be patient and kind. He has said that he has problems and now needs counselling. But today I called him to tell him that we have a very bad problem with rats in the garden...please could he sort it out. I have had so much to deal with and I really feel at the end of my tether. We have animals and a house to maintain - I am finding it all too much.

Basically, he told me that he is going away for the weekend. My daughter is also going out on New Years Eve to a sleepover. I have decided really that I have had enough. Thinking about it carefully, I think Beachy Head would be the best option.

I know that I sound pathetic - but I heard today that my blood test results are also not good and that I may have to come off my drugs, that have really been helping.

I have tried.....but the thought that he has put himself first...he was once such a lovely man, so unselfish.....

I feel so alone.

The other thing I was thinking about was that if you kill yourself, you leave your daughter to him. She doesn't deserve that.

Hello everyone. I am weary, I have been teary - but I am still here.

It is not simply a case of killing myself over a man. For eight years now I have endured numerous medical treatments - radiotherapy, chemo, lots of biopsies. I have been so very ill. During that time, when I have been ugly, without hair, my skin dropping off - he has truly been my rock. It kept me going. But as soon as I find a drug that helps me - my hair comes back - I look better than I have done in years, he decides to leave. It didn't make sense but at a counselling session, he said that he didn't leave earlier because he didn't want me to suffer further. So all his support, his proclaimations of love - were all I lie. The illness is the only thing that kept him with me. The shock of that has destroyed me.

I can't cope with the pressures of my home, of a difficult teenager now going through more angst and the grief of my family, who loved him deeply.

I can't tell you my outcome - simply that I am tired of life, of the life I have been dealt. My condition is incurable and unpredictable...so I must face the fact that no one will take me on in a relationship. Why should they?

Thank you again for your kindness...but I am truly wretched.......tried so many things to help, which do not last. I hurt. I truly do.

Hi punk. Thinking of you this new year's morning. I'm free and around today if you fancy meeting up in RL. I have two big furry cats that are great at providing free therapy and lots of cups of tea and biscuits. Tea and biscuits and cats always make things seem slightly less bleak. Thinking of you often.

Very glad you are still with us punk.

Serious illness is a horrible, soul destroying thing. Very happy to hear you have found some treatment that seems to be helping. It is tough on relationships, and it must have been hard to hear that your DH stuck around to be the 'good guy' until he didn't have to. My DH struggles terribly with my illness (M.E.), but I know of plenty of good men who have taken on poorly ladies because they love them as people (my MiL for one who has very complicated health problems met a wonderful fella), so don't give up on the prospect of having companionship in the future. All things are possible.

Do get in touch for tea and cats if you feel like it.

Punk... So glad to see you post.

Your partner was supposed to love you, no matter what. Sickness and in health. It does sound as if he didn't want to be seen to be the 'bad guy' but if he had been decent, it wouldn't have factored in anyway. I don't understand why what other people might think of him would matter more to him than what YOU would think and feel anyway?

He is what he is. He thinks you can 'cope' or a semblance of it and he's moved on to his default position, which is himself. Note that he doesn't think a great deal of his daughter either to allow you to continue you to struggle, unwell. I think the priority for you has to be finding some answers regarding your condition and the ongoing care that you'll need. Seeing you suffer must be very rough on your daughter so you'd be tackling this for her benefit also.

You and your daughter are all that matters... there must be people around you who can offer friendship/practical help or just an ear to listen? Can your GP advise about support groups for your condition?

I'd really like to know what the most pressing and even trivial things are, Punk, maybe it's not possible to help with the 'big stuff' but sometimes it's the little things that really matter. In any event, keep posting... just keep doing that and know that there are so many people rooting for you.

I agree with LadyMedea, there are people that see past illness. I have ME and in 2003 started a relationship with a man who had MS quite severely, was wheelchair bound, blind in one eye and lived miles away from me. I was even willing to relocate for him. It didn't work out because he decided that it wouldn't iyswim? I'm nothing special, but I was more than happy and willing to take on a disabled and sometimes very ill man. Some people look beyond the physical and I would consider that they are the worthwhile people to have in your life.

Glad you're still posting Punk.

I'm so sorry you are in such mental anguish, it really does hurt doesn't it. You twist and turn but sometimes there is no getting away from it. It fucking hurts.

When I've been in these periods I found the best thing for me was to just accept it. Half of the great weariness was fighting it. So I stopped. I felt it and feck it was hard. I started daydreaming a lot which I think was a self-defense strategy kicking in. Lots of dreams too. But do you know what, it did get better. It will take time.

One of the most helpful things for me was when a friend asked me what would make me feel better. I really thought about that.

Hi punk,

Glad your still around,

Don't think because you are Ill nobody will want you , that's not true at all.

You said yourself your looking gorgeous I'm sure you will have lots of men after you.

Times are hard oh dont I know about teenagers but remember this is just a phase they go through. Yes they can be cruel at times but you know your daughter will always love you and it's just a phase which will pass just like how your feeling now hang in there it will pass .

There are two angles to this though that I think you ought to consider, other than the version of events that has become your 'truth'.

The first is that your husband is lying and re-writing history, in order to cover up the real reason for his departure. I know you react quite furiously towards posters who suggest that he might have someone else, but if that turns out to be the truth, it could help you far more than you know.

It would give you your memories back, for starters and also release some anger that for once, would be targeted in the right direction.

If it felt like he truly loved you when you were looking and feeling your worst, chances are you were right and he did, but because he has met someone else in more recent times it has clouded his feelings for you. I expect he also doesn't want people to think that he is the bastard who had an affair when his wife was very ill, so it's better to invent a story of a stoic carer who stayed out of duty and felt he could only spread his wings when you started to feel better.

OR

He really wants the relationship to end and for you both to move on. Everyone has the right to leave a relationship that isn't working for them. It's not unreasonable either for him to expect you to deal with a household crisis on your own and maybe he thinks it won't help you to accept the break-up if he keeps returning to sort things out.

What ever the truth of all this, he has a responsibility to your daughter but I think one of the things that is holding you back is that you still feel he has a responsibility towards you.

Based only on what you?ve posted in recent months, I think the story he wants you to believe is a crock of shite. If he really had been looking for the right time to leave for 8 years but was too kind to go, he wouldn?t have virtually abandoned your daughter after he left. A kind person who had struggled to do the right thing might still reason that you could still use some help while you?re not physically strong.

You seem to want to believe that he lived a lie for 8 years and you missed the signs, rather than the more plausible alternative that doesn?t trash your memories or your grip on reality. Why?

Where is he this weekend, for example?

Punk, thanks for posting and letting us know you are OK.

Just one of these things you are dealing with - your illness, the affair - would be enough to flatten anybody, but both together - I'm so sorry.

The only thing I would say about the situation with your OH is that it is very early days yet. The pain and the shock will take a while to subside, but there is a way out to the other side.

Are you getting any real life support for what you are going through?

Thanks again. Sleeping again I'm afraid - my body simply wants to keep shutting down.

I can assure you that there is no affair. My OH is very highly disturbed at the moment and this week goes into single counselling. He talks about being broken and weak, that he needs to find the root.

I do understand that is someone has a difficulty with a relationship, then they have every right to get out of it. But they COMMUNICATE, not suddenly get drunk and at 3am, then leave.

He is a good man - an exceptional man, who has behaved badly.....he has been under a huge amount of work strain......oh I know that I am making excuses but he is really is very very damaged. This is a man who has never raised his voice to me, been mean or lost his temper. But I feel that being passive has had a price - it has built up resentment in him.

My daughter does not want to see him and I have agreed to 'accidentally' bump into him tomorrow - an arrangement we made some time ago. The problem is that I am getting so churned up over it....my tummy is dicky and I am losing all the equilibrium I have built up.

Caring for someone when they are sick makes a relationship very complicated. It can take away the simple and sexual joy that we all take for granted in one another. Something beyond my control happened in this way and he is not able to find his way back to me emotionally. My parents ended up in a carer relationship and it was really really difficult. But if he had been ill, I would have loved him still and cared for him. It's just that not everyone can do this. Also, I am well now and things could have been so good again - the tragedy of him not giving us a chance.

I am here for now, trying to be calm. My daughter is home. She actually rang me at midnight and thanked me for being a good mum. I can't tell you what they meant to me. I want to be a happy strong person - I really do. I just feel like one of those newborn foals - all slippery and ridiculous, trying to get up.

Punk... I hope that your OH is thinking about you and what YOU need as much as you are about him and his needs. The simple truth is that he would be there if he wanted to. You deserve better and it speaks volumes that your daughter doesn't want to see him.

I don't think it's ever a good thing for someone to be emotionally so dependent on anyone because when they show their clay feet, people get hurt. It would be good if you had other sources of support available to you so that you're not clinging to the 'goodwill' of someone who may or may not be there for you.

Well your daughters timing is impeccable! Maybe she felt she needed to reassure you. Hold on to that thought.

The foal comparison is a good one - you are vulnerable and wobbly at the moment but will soon be strong enough to stand on your own and run.

Wishing you strength and clarity - take care of yourself and make decisions for you and dd alone

Punk. I see & meet ladies on a daily basis that are bald & going through chemo treatment,I can asure you they are just as beautiful as as the nurses treating them. And yes there are men that would have no problem whatsoever in starting a loving relationship with you. So glad you are still posting & getting lots of suport from MNers ,reading your posts has given me wet eyes. Be strong.

Glad you made it through the night, Punk. And, until you can make the necessary alteration to your current mindset, that's how you have to do it; one day and one night at a time.

Whatever way you look at it, he's not the man you thought he was and you know from these boards that this is not an uncommon state of affairs.

Please read and re-read Charbon's post and start externalising your anger. Rant, rage, wail, and shake your fist at the sky but don't beat yourself up for his failings, or let yourself feel that you've been all kinds of fool for placing your unequestioning trust in him because endless blame and recrimination will destroy the essence of all you have strived to be, and all that you can be.

Any debilitating long term illness takes it's toll but, even though you've been dealt a very cruel hand healthwise, you have much to be grateful for. Read about the tragically short life of Nicola Dryburgh, a writer like yourself who never knew the joy of marriage or bearing, birthing, and raising a child and draw inspiration from those who haven't gone gentle into that good night.

The pressures of running a home and coping with teenage angst are subjects that you can wax lyrical about on these boards and, whenever you're in need, you can share the load in the knowledge that you'll never be short of sound advice.

Teenagers can be utter pitas but, by god, they're amazing! Revel in your teenager, relive your youth, embrace her enthusiasms and counter her negativity with positivity. Your dd might not appear to be listening but you can bet it's all going in and one day she'll draw on the bank of information that you've imparted to her - and that'll be the day she wonders whether she's turned into her mum!

Many of us have times when we're weary and teary; when it's all too much to bear and we just want an end to the misery. Those are the times when we need to be especially kind to ourselves. Times when we need to halt the endless whirlwind of vivid memory and imagination so that we can centre ourselves in the present, in the 'now'; in the eternal 'now' that exists at the centre of our being.

Be kind to yourself Punk, and take time to marvel at the wonders that surround you, be they nature's raindrops forming random patterns on your windows or the objects that have come into being through the infinite creativity of humankind. You are part of the miracle of life, honey, and life is too precious to take it for granted or throw it away.

Punk I can see that nothing will dissuade you from this rather romantic notion that your husband is a tortured soul who has just lost his way in life, but for your own and your daughter's sake, I do think you need to get practical.

I'd imagine your daughter's feelings towards him are very complex. If he hasn't been willing to see her regularly and she's also witnessed you falling to pieces, I'd speculate she's quite angry, possibly with both of you. I don't think that 'tricking' her into seeing him is appropriate though. At 14 I think she'd see right through it and it's not fair on her. She's old enough to facilitate her own relationship with her father and he ought to be driving that without your involvement. I hope she feels she can see him independently without worrying about your reaction.

If you were really thinking of committing suicide this weekend, you must seek some professional help.

Then you've got to start living an independent life and stop expecting his help. Stop communicating in your gestures that you need him and can't function without him. You really don't need him to survive, but your daughter needs at least one functioning parent at the moment to ease her into the adult world. She will admire you tremendously if you resolve to stop hoping he'll come back and start living life as an assertive, independent woman.

She needs a role model of a woman who doesn't need a man to sort out a pest control problem, or any of the things you relied on him to do beforehand. She also needs to see that there are consequences in romantic relationships for men who up and leave without an explanation in the middle of the night.

Above all I'm really hoping that this weekend has taught you something and produced some new resolutions to drag yourself out of this. That all the worrying about you and painful memories that this thread has evoked for several posters, hasn't been in vain.

OP - Hope that you're feeling a bit better with all the support that you have received from MN! Just try and be positive for your DD!

Very best wishes!

Charbon - my daughter does not want to see her father at all and that is nothing to do with any influence I have exerted upon her. He has tried to make contact but she has firmly refused to see him. I am trying to help them have a relationship and she is an independently-minded feisty girl, as I have brought her up. Her reaction to her father was immediate and is in part shaped by the fact that he is weird at moment - a completely different man. I don't see the harm in accidentally bumping into him, so that he is not a stranger.

Yes it would be so easy to be an independent and strong woman, if I didn't have health issues to worry about. Although my drug keeps the worst of my lymphoma symptoms away, I still become extremely exhausted at times. Recently my blood results have not been great. More worry.

You fail to realise that in the pits of despair, some people cannot simply 'pull themselves out of things' and be assertive. I expected him to deal with the rat problem, as I have so many other things to do, not because I am weak and wet. This is his house too and regardless of the male-female dynamic, he currently has no responsibilities. He is living with his mother, who is waiting on him hand and foot. Why on earth should it be up to me to sort everything out?

I am sorry if some people consider me pathetic. I am vulnerable and I am struggling - if that makes me pathetic, then so be it. Normally I am a fiery and feisty person. But over years of being unwell and now the deep uncertainty of the future, I feel very disturbed. I am also not trying to evoke painful memories for other people.

I understand the concept of tough love but sorry, telling someone to snap out of suicidal feelings is not particularly helpful. It is no better than telling someone who is depressed to snap out of misery. I am coping minute by minute at present. I have actually coped very well in the face of much adversity but I am tired of all the struggle.

I know that leaving my daughter would be a wicked and selfish act but awareness and intellect are difficult to maintain when there are other pressures. I am holding on. Just.

I don't think you should help him see her. Your daughter has stood by you, him not so much, but you're going to betray her wishes to suit him.

If she needs to reconcile with him, she'll do it in her own time.

One day at a time. (Note to self: take that advice)

Given that he's lived with her up until July last year, you're being disingenuous to claim that your intentions are that her father shouldn't be a 'stranger' to your dd.

As you've raised your daughter to be independently minded it's a contradiction in terms to say that setting her up to 'accidentally' bump into her father, presumably while she's out and about with you, will in any way 'help' her to have a relationship with him.

Your dd is currently not minded to entertain her father; that is her choice and her prerogative and surely it goes against your grain to endeavour to persuade her otherwise by acting in an underhanded manner?

I trust you won't be surprised if this misguided plan backfires and makes your daughter even more determined to rebuff any further overtures from her father, and you should also be aware that it may damage her trust in you.

Of course it's unfair that he's being waited on hand and foot while you are struggling to stay on top of essential daily tasks but if, as you claim, 'he is weird at moment - a completely different man' it's unlikely that he's willing or able to meet any of your needs, including eradicating the rats that are often part and parcel of keeping chickens.

Your health and wellbeing have taken a severe hammering over the years culminating in an unexpected low blow from the man you relied on to be your 'rock of ages'.

It would be unnatural if you didn't feel knackered, worn out, tired of living with physical and emotional pain, but time and plenty of r & r will slowly bring about an improvement to the way you are currently feeling.

Don't be bashful about accessing all of the assistance and aid that's available to you as a lymphoma patient; ask your medical advisers for referrals to social services and other agencies, join a patient support group, and take advantage of the offers of rl meetings/friendship that have been made to you here.

You might be down, Punk, but you're not out. Go easy on yourself; rest and relax as often as you can and find some simple pleasure to gladden your heart every day.

Good Luck punk. I hope You start to feel more positive soon. You have been through so much. One step at a time.

It is really up to your dd to decide if she wants to see him, punk. Don't risk alienating her by manipulating a meeting that she may well see through and be pissed off about.

Respect her decision and be on her side - she's old enough to choose not to see him for the time being. She has plenty of time to renew her relationship with him on her own terms, when she is ready. Pressing the issue may just create a rift and distrust between the two of you.

Their relationship is down to him and down to her now.

punk - you are not being pathetic, you are in the mire, you are tired, struggling, your senses are off kilter. you are ill.

you have been dealt quite a few tough, shitty blows. i know that. thats just a fact. its hard. its crap.

but
you can get past this if you allow yourself to simply go to the right sources of help. You are having treatment for you physical illness - you went to the gp, you had tests, you saw a specialist who is trying to manage your illness.
Why are you so reluctant to do the same in respect of your mental health and wellbeing? you are ill. you can be treated. things could look so different for you if you accepted that this is just as much illness as your physical ailment, in light of what you are going through, it is almost to be expected.

I would not facilitate a meeting between your DD and your ex. She has presumably watched your mental health spiral downward since he left, she has every right to be angry with him, to not want to see him. Allow her that. She is doing what you would be doing if you were in your right mind i suspect.

Please go to your gp. dont be so stubborn. accept help. its out there. Ask yourself why you are reluctant to acknowledge the fact that you are in need of medical attention for your mental health.

its not hopeless.

Dear Punkatheart, I'm in hosp & just logged on & seen this so will be brief but what Izzywhizzy and Charbon have said to you seems to me so wise and kind, please re-read what they say in all their posts, with love Hedge x