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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I now feel as if I have no hope and I really don't want to go on any more

223 replies

Punkatheart · 30/12/2011 20:57

Firstly - I have been drinking...although because I never drink, it is two glasses of wine...but I do feel tiddly.

In July, my OH left me. We have had a bit of a tough time...I was diagnosed with lymphoma in 2003 and our teenage daughter has been very troublesome. But I didn't expect him to be so cowardly...to simply walk away.

I have tried to be patient and kind. He has said that he has problems and now needs counselling. But today I called him to tell him that we have a very bad problem with rats in the garden...please could he sort it out. I have had so much to deal with and I really feel at the end of my tether. We have animals and a house to maintain - I am finding it all too much.

Basically, he told me that he is going away for the weekend. My daughter is also going out on New Years Eve to a sleepover. I have decided really that I have had enough. Thinking about it carefully, I think Beachy Head would be the best option.

I know that I sound pathetic - but I heard today that my blood test results are also not good and that I may have to come off my drugs, that have really been helping.

I have tried.....but the thought that he has put himself first...he was once such a lovely man, so unselfish.....

I feel so alone.

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 30/12/2011 23:24

well said charbon

hope you are taking heed punk...get some sleep and start again tomorrow.

LadyMedea · 30/12/2011 23:28

Please hang in there, call the Samaritans tonight or if you are still feeling like this tomorrow go to the walk in clinic in broad street mall and see a GP or walk into a&e at the Royal berks and tell them how you feel.

You can find a way through this for yourself and your DD. You are worth so much.

I'm in Reading too so please feel free to message me for general company or if you want someone to come to the doctors with you tomorrow.

< hugs >

midwife99 · 30/12/2011 23:39

Please don't leave your daughter a life sentence of regret & grief that she could not save you & devastation that she was not enough to live for. Almost daily I feel the same but my 7 year old's eyes stop me. My 2 year would forget me but the older childrens' lives would be ruined if I ended it. Be strong as you know you can be for her. If I can help in any way please ask ..... I would like to help.

Docbunches · 30/12/2011 23:42

I'm also in the Reading area (Earley), so if you want any more local help and support, please give me a shout - I'm around tomorrow and I'm staying up tonight in the hope of you posting again soon.

BTW, it's highly possible that your DD and my DD (also aged 14) have mutual friends as I remember you saying your DD goes to LP, and used to go to another school beginning with A. My DD has loads of friends at both schools.

Anyway, massive hugs.... I'm not much good at giving advice, so please take heed of the wise words from other posters.

123caughtaflea · 30/12/2011 23:53

Punk.

I know you feel crap, I hear you.

But I am telling you that if you love your daughter you don't have that option. I know. I lost a parent to suicide. I have done OK outwardly as has my brother. But I cannot tell you how much damage it did to us both and how hard it has been to come through it. The despair, the anger, the guilt. My God, the guilt.

Go and get some help. You would make your daughter get some help if she were suicidal. Go and get some for yourself. Just because you love her.

toptramp · 30/12/2011 23:58

I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time op. Firstly your ex is a coward for walking away. Repeat again and again until it sinks in; "I AM BETTER THAN THAT". It is awful when someone you thought that you could rely on lets you down but it is a way of sorting the wheat from the chaff in life.
One day you will get over him and feel tons better about it. Is there any sort of assiatnace you can get due to your illness such as home help? Pamper yourself- have a bath with oils, take a walk, watch a film etc. Your strength will come from within.

toptramp · 30/12/2011 23:59

Incidentally him walking away is no reflection on you at all; it is all him. I have been suicidal but I am glad that I didn't do it.

fortyplus · 31/12/2011 00:03

Punkatheart please don't make your daughter pay such a terrible price for you being upset with your xOH.

The situation with the rats will have taken ages to get established - a few more days or even a couple of weeks won't make any difference.
A good friend of mine had a problem with rats under her driveway and getting into her drains - it's a specialist job so probably not something your ex should be taking on.
Looking at it from the outside - you phoned him today and he said he's away for the weekend - give him some time next week to help you find someone to get it all sorted.
You're not thinking straight at the moment - take care of yourself x

pickgo · 31/12/2011 00:36

Punkatheart please come back and let us know you are ok.

I wrote this on another thread a few days ago, I think it is a nugget of truth:

'This is one moment/ But know that another/ Shall pierce you with a sudden painful joy.

RainyAfternoon · 31/12/2011 01:42

Thoughts still with you. Am praying some positivity will come with the morning. X

mrstiredandconfused · 31/12/2011 02:26

Oh punk I hope you're sleeping it off and will feel better when you wake up. I've lurked for a long, long time (depression and self esteem ishoos) but you have always been so brave and strong. You CAN get through this, you have been through so much already and tomorrow will bring another day, a fresh year, and hopefully renewed strength. Sometimes when you're in the darkest of places you lose hope of ever finding light again, but you will- I promise. Let us know you're ok when you log on?

I'm in hillingdon near harrow/ herts borders, if there is anything you need let me know x

thefroggy · 31/12/2011 02:49

You better be posting on here tomorrow punk, all is not hopeless, there is always a solution or at least compromise. New year doesn't matter one bit, its just another day. It makes no difference whatsoever.

RachyRach30 · 31/12/2011 03:14

Hi Punk,

I have felt like life's too much and sometimes feel I just can't go on but you know something you are special and you can go on. Somedays it doesn't feel like it but things pass. Don't give in and give up! You are loved and needed in this world. You are here for a reason. I feel things deeply but that is what makes us unique, kind and caring. There is a path for you in life don't give up Punk. I know your in pain but everyone has a path it won't feel painful forever. You will be happy again. Your path is mapped out for you , yes you have hit a cross roads but you will be back on the right path soon and happy again!

notworththeeffort · 31/12/2011 06:33

www.metanoia.org/suicide/

Please, please take the time to read the following link, it really won't take 5 minutes.

It changed my life.

snoopdogg · 31/12/2011 09:04

Hi Punk, how are you this morning? I was thinking about you all night.

Original poster
Punkatheart · 31/12/2011 09:11

I have been awake most of the night, plagued by thoughts. This morning I feel small, exhausted and angry.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring and all your kind words.

I am wrestling with it all and I can honestly say that my daughter is the only thing that has kept me here this far.

I have tried to be understanding of my OH and his crisis...but I have given so much that I know I have left myself lost and vulnerable.

Thank you again. I really don't know what to do. I just know that I cannot bear any more pain.

OP posts:
Rollersara · 31/12/2011 09:27

Whatever pain you are feeling now will be nothing compared to what your daughter will feel if you go through with your plan.

You don't know what to do now - why do anything? Talk to people on here, in RL, see if you can catch up on some sleep. Give yourself some time to look after yourself and not your OH, you deserve it more than he does...

MsLillyBeth · 31/12/2011 09:38

Punk, I agree with Vicar about getting angry with your husband. Give the weak, abandoning bastard a piece of your mind! Have you been too understanding of his issues and haven?t let him know the full magnitude of yours?

RE the rats?if you call your local game keeper or game keeping suppliers they will probably be able to put you in touch with terrier men who could come out with their dogs. No idea of the costs but I somehow doubt it would be as much as the council would charge, plus it?s more humane (I like rats too!)

HoudiniHissy · 31/12/2011 09:42

Love, glad to hear you're still posting, I know last night wasn't easy, but you made it.

You only need one reason to hang on, and by the sounds of it, you may have found it.

Try to compartmentalise everything you're facing. You've lumped it all together, and of course it's going to overwhelm you.

You are fighting a bastard of a disease, and that in itself is enough to have to deal with. I know you're worried about the blood tests, but try to remain hopeful that there's a better drug for you. Wait till you discuss it fully, don't give up hope. While you're still breathing, there's always hope! (((Hug)))

The rats would have to wait until the New Year anyway really, there's no way anyone would get out to you before Tuesday. Your Ex going away is unfortunate, and ordinarily, you know you'd be able to cope with that on it's own.

We are all here for you, on here or if you need us in RL. Please feel free to lean on us as hard as you need to.

Oh and if there IS a mumsnetter with contacts to pest control in the Reading area.... Please PM our lovely OP?

itsxmascryingagain · 31/12/2011 10:03

Morning Punkatheart,

I've thought long and hard before adding to this thread. This is too serious to dabble in but having been suicidal myself a long time ago I wanted to add something, anything to try and make you see that there is a different life ahead for you. Maybe not the one you thought you would be living but there will be a different one, one that you have control over, that has hope and contentment in it.

Let's leave your child out of the picture at the moment as I sense your burdon of perceived hopelessness may have gone past a certain point. (Hopefully not but it's difficult to tell from the written word.)

I won't go into my story but I can tell you I was a very scared 15 year old, very very alone and with no-one to trust or turn to. My only way out was to cease to exist. People say that it is a selfish act to take ones' own life but I can tell you that at that point, all I had was darkness and despair. I lost my spirit and there was nothing in my life that I felt worthwhile to live for and that went for my parents, family and friends.

Do two things today. 1) Feed your animals. 2) Go to your local walk in centre and talk to a nurse, write your feelings down before you go if you don't think you can verbalise them and they will instigate support for you. Print this thread out and take it with you if you have to. BUT, you need expert help today and without knowing you, I think you have a life to create for yourself and I want you to consider this and start to believe it. And accepting that there is a glimmer of hope is all you need to take this important step in getting over your old life and starting out on a new path. A little light flickering in the distance is all you need to focus on. It is there for you, you just need to look a little harder to see it. Lots of people on this thread have lit up a path for you to follow. Love to you. xx

PS - if I had taken that action 35 years ago, I would not have my lovely children, my grandchildren, I'm worthwhile, I've always been worthwhile and the same is absolutely true of you.

Zombi · 31/12/2011 10:22

punkatheart I'm so sorry that things are so tough. I wanted to say that I really admire your strength in all of this. You have had a lot to deal with and have faced it with such dignity and courage.

I think it might be nice for you to find a support group or charity that hekps the survivors of lymphoma. It always helps to speahose who can identify with you. I'm partially sighted and I felt so alone and lost before I found my groups.

Stay strong and come back to vent if you need to purge these sad feelings.

thunderboltsandlightning · 31/12/2011 10:27

"I have tried to be understanding of my OH and his crisis...but I have given so much that I know I have left myself lost and vulnerable."

Why do you have to be understanding when he is doing something so incredibly hurtful to you?

Don't be understanding. Get angry. You need to look after your own interests instead of being your husband's saviour when he is trampling over your life and your feelings.

I was thinking about you this morning and the fact you were feeling suicidal because he wouldn't help you, and what I was thinking was that it's because it sounds like you can't get angry, so the only way you can show the depth of your feeling is to hurt yourself.

Do not do that. There is nothing wrong with anger when it's in defense of yourself being harmed, the way he is harming you.

Have you seen a lawyer yet? That would be a good place to start.

LadyMedea · 31/12/2011 10:28

Hey punk... I'm still here and would love to come with you to the walk in clinic. Happy to come to your place and then come with you into town.

Don't be alone with your thoughts.

snoopdogg · 31/12/2011 10:39

Thanks so much for posting this morning, Punk.

Still here, still thinking of you, still caring x

Docbunches · 31/12/2011 10:50

PunkatHeart, I'm so glad you've posted this morning. I stayed up late last night worrying about you, hence the reason I've only just got up. Please hang in there and listen to the great advice on here.

As I said, I almost feel I know you as I live very close to you in Reading.

Hugs x