men do confuse love and sex

[simplesimon]

Sneaking out of the shadows I suppose I am asking the Dads something although I can see it is a topic that has been covered before.

I love my wife she loves me but we have not made love in 6 years.

I think what scares me is the idea that she does not fancy me. More than that perhaps she is seeing someone else.

Help.

Hi simon
I'm not a dad! I think men do confuse love and sex but I think us women like to be shown affection in a physical way too. Sex is a big part of most marriages, rightly or wrongly, and I don't think you are expecting too much to hope it would be a part of yours. 6 years sounds a long time but I can see how it could happen. After you have kids and your time is not your own (either parent) it is easy to forget that you are a couple first and parents second (after all you wouldn't be parents if you hadn't been a couple)- But you sort of get out of the habit and it's hard to start again. I don't know if you stop fancying each other you just see each other differently. This was happening to us and I've recently taken the bull by the horns as it were and decided that we need to start again (not just because we want more children)- we were losing sight of each other, this has happened to a lot of people I know. They wake up one morning, their kids have left home and they are living with someone who is more like a cherished brother than a fancied husband. I assume that you have tried initiating love making. Perhaps you could try some of the corny old things like arranging a sitter and taking her out or cooking a romantic meal. It's not easy, I know but once you've done it for the first time it does get easier. Sorry you are having this problem and I hope it works out for you. Don't automatically assume that she is seeing someone else though as it may just be that she doesn't know how to start again.The other thing is she may be embarrassed about her body or whatever. Tread carefully. Good luck. PS sorry this is such a long reply without an answer xx

How long since you last showered ?

Fairymum do you mean together? ROFL.

I have tried for about 6 years as it happens but i think the bit that worries me is that she does not think that it is a problem.

It is all too complicated for me. Is it too late to delete this post completely?

Yes! If it is worrying you- you need to sort it out. Agree with Dinosaur and would be surprised if this is not a problem for your wife. Perhaps she doesn't know how to break this habit - you've got to persevere though. It's obviously becoming more of an issue for you to voice concern and ask for opinions. It's funny isn't it... you're meant to be able to talk to your spoise about anything and most of us clam up and go red the second anything 'delicate' comes up!

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Dadslib I have tried and tried and she does not want to talk about it so perhaps that is it she does not like me or does not like sex but I would rather it is not. I can live her without us making love but I miss sex a lot. Maybe I should not make a fuss but I am worried that I might do something stupid as I seem to think about it all the time.

I should not have asked the question as it is all far more complicated than that.

Not a man so my opinion might not be relevant. Have a very good friend (male) in a very similar situation to you. Choose 'contact another talker' at the top pf the page and email me if you want.

charly Thank You but I am too embarrassed in case you know me or my Wife.

Now I feel really stupid.

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The odds of me knowing you or your wife are slim. I know what you mean though! You are cleasrly unhappy but I don't think the situation is as uncommon as many people think!

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That was a good point about using MN as a means of talking to her, Dadslib. And yes I too wondered if you were that same poster, simplesimon! Good luck with talking to your dp/dw. I hope it all works out for you both.

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SS I have a friend who lived with his last girlfriend for 10 years and they had no sex for the last 8 years of the relationship. He was so frustrated and tried all sorts of things to find out why. It turned out that she had an irrational fear of childbirth and the pain involved and that she equated sex with getting pregnant (she had never had a baby) so she wouldn't have any.

Maybe you should just ask her outright what the main reason is for her lack of sex drive. It could be just that, that she has no desire to have sex with you or anyone else, but 6 years is a long time. Of course the less you have the less you want (or so they say)

Hope you can get her to talk about it.

Talking hasn't worked. You've got a number of options:-

(a) live with the situation for the rest of your life
(b) get a lover
(c) start visiting prostitutes
(d) split from her

All these choices have severe implications. Like it or not you're going to end up with something off that list.

You haven't said whether you've any kids. That would probably make a lot of difference to the decision I'd make if I were in your shoes.

By the way - if you are really uncomfortable about having started this thread the administrators will delete it for you. Better still, stay with it for the advice you'll receive but change small details e.g. don't give correct ages/genders of kids, or say you live at the other end of the country, anything like that.

Sorry I can only get to the Internet in the mornings so do not think that I am ungrateful.

I do not think i have any kind of right to a sexual relationship but i miss it a lot. The idea of a lover and the idea of prostitutes are not on as i love her that is the point.

If I were going to ask the question again it would be along the lines of has anyone else had this experience what happened did they sort it out or am I the only one who thinks there is a problem.

Maybe i should not want sex so much.

hi SS,
I am a woman but think this may be helpful for your situation.
Try everything you can at the bottom of the list before you think of ending the relationship.

BTW good luck and hope everything works out well for you both.

SimpleSimon

Not been in quite the same situation as you but a similar one.

In the end I had to force the issue and get my now x2b to talk to me about what was not happening in our lives.

Turns out the answers I got were not unexpected but were still a bit of a suprise to me.

My advice would be to arrange for the time alone and sit your wife down and tell her how much this is effecting you and ask her to talk to you.

If you love her as much as you say you'll cope regardless.

I'm not a dad either!

But, firstly, you need to start communicating better about everything. Take her out for lunch or dinner. Tell her about problems you are having at work and ask her opinion. Ask how her day went. Ask her opinion while you watch the news together. Forget asking her about sex until you can chat easily about everything.

Next, you need to re-awaken her as a sexual person. I'm assuming you did used to have a sex life and it died after having kids. There may be a whole raft of issues and you may need help from someone like Relate to find them, but first give up all ideas of asking her for sex and instead work on getting her tactile again. Touch her in a non sexual way as much as you can. Kiss her hello and goodbye. Sit on the sofa with her or the arm of her chair and entangle your feet together. Hug her in bed in the morning (but not as a request for sex). Buy her a bottle of her favourite wine/cocktail and get her tispy one evening and reminisce about when you first met or first kissed. Take her to a romantic comedy at the cinema and hold hands in the dark. Draw her a bath and light candles and talk to her through the door. Basically quit worrying that you are the problem and concentrate on her for a bit.

The next step you'll need to talk about together, but it probably isn't to go straight to a normal sex life. You'll probably need to get her to think about her pleasure first before you can even consider your own.

Good luck.

SS;I think Famingo's idea about Relate was good. Of course you have the "right" to sex in a marriage. A marriage isn't a marriage without sex (unless both parts are happy about this). It is up to both of you to sort this out and the first step is to talk about it.
Of course it is normal to go through phases when your sex-drive is lower (especially when you have small children), but I still think it is important to communicate with your partner and tell him why you don't feel like it tonight.
If someone doesn't want sex with you, it must feel like such a rejection of a big part of your relationship, and I think 6 years is a very long time.
I don't think going for sex elsewhere is a solution at all. Afterall, it is your wife you want to have sex with.
To answer you question, I don't think men confuse sex and love. I think sex is a big part of love. If you don't have sex with the person you love, surely it is more like a brother/sister-love?