worried about OH porn use leading onto something more?

[unicornshoes]

Hi, just wanted some advice from those that know. OH has been looking a quite a bit of porn recently on line, which I am a little upset over having recently had a baby and feeling very unattractive myself. Everytime I ask if he has been looking at porn he says no, even though it pops up the next day as I open a new tab. But he prefers to lie than just admit it? Recently though having looked at what he had looked at because of his denial thing and pop up came up. Saying something like "hey sexy, Im dying to speak to you". I asked him about it and he said he has no idea why this popped up. Anyways I didn't believe him so clicked on this pop up which then took me directly to Adult Friend Finder, on a page which showed local women looking for sex. So to me it seems as though he must have searched that site?

I again asked him about it and he said it must just be linked to some of the other websites he has looked on and that they know is location through our IP address?

I feel sick to my stomach to think he has been searching for local women or god knows what else. I just dont know if what he is saying is true re the IP address?

He is pretty convincing and I don't know if I'm being a bit dim.

Our relationship hasn't been great recently, two young children, no intimacy so I think who would blame him if he was looking elsewhere. I just can't figure out if he is telling the truth.

He's an idiot for lying to you about using porn , nothing destroys trust faster then being lied to, BUT, I would bet money on those AFF type sites being genuine pop ups, even if you use a pop up blocker they get around them, they pop up on all sorts of sites, basically anything with an adult content, it's nearly always AFF or the charmingly named fuckbook.

You need a grown up converstaion with him, he needs to realise that lying to you is not the answer, are you bothered about porn in general or because you've recently given birth and aren't back in the saddle yet?

If you aren't fussed about him looking then tell him that, but also that he stops lying to you about it and /or uses private browsing.

A discussion on the nasty realities of porn might not go amiss either.

It's almost always the lying that's the main issue.

I've had local women looking for sex with me,and I'm a married woman!
He hasn't necessarily been looking for them

unplug the broadband when you go to bed.

I get these same pop ups all the time when I use certain sites. They are advertisements that link to things like Adult Friend Finder which has come up many a time on my computer.

He may or may not be looking at porn, but those tabs are not him looking for local fun, they are ads that spring up when you visit certain sites. It happens to me because I use sites that stream films and TV shows.

Do not worry! I know how you feel because for the first time in my life, I had these funny feelings about my partners loyalty and ability to stray during my pregnancy. Mine went away straight after birth so it is in all probability just tied in to the crazy hormones.

Oh and in my experience, men who look at porn are no more likely than men who don't to cheat.

And the IP address thing is true.

Malificence - you are right it is destroying my trust in him particularly as he does tell "white" lies often, usually in order to avoid confrontation - only this has the opposite effect, more often than not he is found out or comes clean later which causes massive rows.

I'm far from back in the saddle, still breastfeeding DD including numerous night feeds, am too tired and in bed by 9.00pm if not earlier. OH stays up very late most nights and never comes to bed with me.

Also I co-sleep with the baby and he has been in the spare room for some weeks now. There is room for him in our bed, he hasn't been kicked out but often he gets more sleep in the spare room. So it feels pretty much like we lead seperate lives at the moment.

Yes I am quite upset about the porn use, but feel that I can't complain due to our current situation. Don't think I would be as upset if I hadn't just had a baby, i.e. looked a bit better than I do now. It does hurt my feelings.

If the pop ups are just something that happens when you're on those sort of sites then perhaps he is not lying and im being oversensitive.

PumkinIroning - thank you, that is quite reassuring

Men are kind of in a damned if they do, damned if you don't situation when confronted about looking at porn.

On the contrary, there is research that concludes that a man with a secret porn habit is much more likely to cheat, than a man who doesn't use porn at all, or is open with his partner about his choices.

How do you feel about your partner looking at porn OP? What are your thoughts about the porn industry and how it depicts female sexuality? It's sounding as though you're willing to turn a blind eye to his porn use, as long as he isn't unfaithful with a RL person, with all the risks that strategy brings (see above para.).

Thanks LDNmummy, some reassuring comments, I do feel a bit better about the whole thing now.

NSASMN I may give that a try!

Oh and having seen your further post, I think he is manipulating you into thinking that it's you who doesn't want sex, when actually he would prefer wanking to porn than having sex with his partner. Don't fall for it.

windsorTides - thats what worries me. I read it on here all the time!

I don't particularly like it, but as I said I don't feel I can complain too much as its probably my fault he is looking at it, well not my fault but the situation as it is currently. I'm not willing to turn a blind eye at all, just want a bit of honesty and find his half arsed attempts at deleting the history well a bit sad really!

"Men are kind of in a damned if they do, damned if you don't situation when confronted about looking at porn".
No they're not - most people simply want honesty within a relationship, an immature and selfish man will often take the easy option of lying, even when they know they will be found out, much like a child.
If a man wants to use porn then he should at least be honest and upfront about it when asked, not to mention use private browsing, if he's leaving the history there for her to see he either doesn't give a stuff about upsetting her or , if I'm being charitable for a moment , he's perhaps trying to clumsily open a dialogue because he feels pushed out?

Sleeping seperately is a bad idea, that will destroy intimacy as much as anything else - it seems like there are major cracks in the relationship.

windsorTides - no I disagree, he is not manipulating me, I don't want to have sex at the moment, I'm far too knackered and feel drained with the constant night wakings.

Malificence - sleeping seperately is bad I know this, we just seem to have got into bad habits. I do miss him sleeping in our bed but then get annoyed when he does sleep there if he disturbs the baby and I have to feed her back to sleep again.

It is not your fault that he is looking at porn. Don't ever take responsibility for what your partner does. If you're saying that you've gone off sex for the time being, then your partner doesn't need porn to masturbate. It's a big mistake to assume men cannot masturbate without porn. Do you need porn to get off on your own? I'm assuming not - and this is no different.

But I'm not sure that you are saying you've gone off sex. If he came to bed at 9pm would you ever want sex? If he suggested having sex in the other room, after which you could return to the baby's sleeping quarters, would you want sex? If he stopped lying to you, would you want sex more? These are all questions you should ask yourself, because I think you have convinced yourself that this is all your fault, whereas I think you're allowing yourself to be manipulated and you're not considering your own sexual needs, enough.

Why does he stay up late? Doesn't he have to be up for work in a morning?
Does he give you a break from the baby when he's at home?

You sound exhausted, the extra stress from the way he's behaving is doing you no good at all, I think you need to sit down with him and have a talk about how things are and the way they could be improved, things do change when you have a young family, if his way of dealing with things is to withdraw into a fantasy world of porn that doesn't bode well for the future, he should be enhancing your life and making things easier for you, a man who is a good husband and father does just that, his needs come last for a while in all honesty .

One last question, why isn't he as tired as you are? If you're crashing out in bed by nine then by rights, he should be too.

Are you doing the lion's share of everything?

He has always stayed up a bit later, but we did usually get to bed together before we had children. Yes he does have to be up for work, usually up much earlier than me as he gets up with our toddler early and I do the night feeds with the baby. She won't take a bottle (but that's another thread).

I am pretty exhausted and he is too, but he has always been able to survive on less sleep than me. I just haven't had a single night off for 7 months, probably more if you count being heavily pregnant and not sleeping much then either. I think he realises that his needs come last or at least put on hold for now and has never pressured me and always been very understanding about that.

He isn't as tired as he does no night feeds, although to be fair recently he has been getting up very early with our toddler and also up in the night with him, we have all had stinking colds and no-ones got much sleep. He does help around the house, always hoovers/takes out bins etc. He also usually has a quick tidy round when he gets back from work as its chaos here by 6pm!

winsorTides - sorry I missed your other reply. I would like to have sex and would probably have more chance of that if he did come to bed with me, but for now would just like him to be with me so I get used to having someone next to me again and then I'm sure things would improve in other departments too. Yes the lying does put me off and the fact that he looks a porn puts me off too.

Hopefully it's just a blip then and you can reconnect as a couple, it is easy to lose each other what with big life changes like babies coming along . It does need sorting sooner rather than later though, especially his default setting of lying , it's very immature and he needs telling in no uncertain terms how damaging it is to your relationship.

Thanks for all the advice Malificence

If this was the other way round and everytime ypour OH got a pop up from A 'LOCAL' BLOKE asking 'hey dexy dying to speak to you' and he questioned you, you would be raving mad because you are innocent. These happen, we get them. It goes on your IP, just like the adverts for Sexy women in your area waiting to take your call now!

These are regional things.

OP yes you are abit dim as you so eloquently put it.

He is NOT lying to you, he is telling the truth, you need to grow up!

Malifence if she chooses to go to bed at 9pm WHY should he have to follow her? I wouldnt expect my DH to follow me to bed i choose to go up at 9pm.

Unless you are joined at the hip then theres no reason to be in each others pocket 24/7, next Malifence you'll be telling OP to take DH to toilet with her so she can keep an eye on him!!

Also my DH works, he sometimes stays up till 2am but still gets up for work.

Everyones body clock is different, il be up tonight till 1.30ish, as i cant sleep, same as DH but il be up at 7am for school run and to go to college.

OMG!! these are ADVERTISEMENT popups generated by IP the fact you have accused him of lying says more about you than him poor bloke thats all i can say why dont you do something daring and try trustin him rather than slagging him off online