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worried about OH porn use leading onto something more?

208 replies

unicornshoes · 01/11/2011 12:53

Hi, just wanted some advice from those that know. OH has been looking a quite a bit of porn recently on line, which I am a little upset over having recently had a baby and feeling very unattractive myself. Everytime I ask if he has been looking at porn he says no, even though it pops up the next day as I open a new tab. But he prefers to lie than just admit it? Recently though having looked at what he had looked at because of his denial thing and pop up came up. Saying something like "hey sexy, Im dying to speak to you". I asked him about it and he said he has no idea why this popped up. Anyways I didn't believe him so clicked on this pop up which then took me directly to Adult Friend Finder, on a page which showed local women looking for sex. So to me it seems as though he must have searched that site?

I again asked him about it and he said it must just be linked to some of the other websites he has looked on and that they know is location through our IP address?

I feel sick to my stomach to think he has been searching for local women or god knows what else. I just dont know if what he is saying is true re the IP address?

He is pretty convincing and I don't know if I'm being a bit dim.

Our relationship hasn't been great recently, two young children, no intimacy so I think who would blame him if he was looking elsewhere. I just can't figure out if he is telling the truth.

OP posts:
bubblegumpop · 03/11/2011 09:22

From my point of view as a relative "youngun".

MY dh went through a stage before I met him, like most young lads in the mess having posters of nuts girls up etc. I was surprised when I met him, as he wasn't into all those mags or having posters up etc.

He said he grew out of it about 20 ish. When he realised it was all crap. Women don't look like this. He just though "yes very nice, but how much money does that cost and how much airbrushing". It's not what he looks for. He was looking for a real life woman, who does have the occasional stretch mark and cellulite, you know. Good job after 4 c-sections my stomach is like a roadmap. He knew this lad mag image was just not real. He could go forever looking for what they say is perfect and end up alone.

I'm not insecure, I'd actually say I was really quite pretty tbh. I look younger, bit of a baby body, but meh, I've had kids. I don't envy or feel jealous of these women at all. I feel sorry for them. Also my husband is what I'd call very good looking. He gets plenty of glances he looks the spit of Jonathan Rhys Meyers.

I'm getting that in as we have had the old insult, I suspect the ugly one is coming at some point.

Anyway we do have a good sex life, I think there is two factors to that. We communicate and make the effort. I also think the fact he hasn't been brainwashed by porn and all the lads mag culture. Means I get a good deal. He is considerate, not trying to get me into a gangbang, gagging, humiliation, etc. He knows this is not a normal, mutually enjoyable sex life.

Unfortunately now, men see mainstream porn. It's all gangbangs, gagging, anal, choking. I challenge anyone into porn to go into a mainstream site and honestly find ONE video that does not feature the above.

Young men and women are now growing up to see this is NORMAL. I know many men in their twenties do. Thankfully mine doesn't. You can tell the women whose husbands are prolific porn users btw. As all they ever talk about is their shit sex life and being treated like a skivvy. That is from my experience.

All people are trying to do, is say to people, if you don't like it, as a woman, you don't have to accept it, you don't have to lie down and say, that's what men do. As it allows them to carry on, breeding what kind of future for our children wrt, healthy relationships. As more men see it as their god given right to ignore their partners feelings, jerking off to more extreme porn, skewing their views on reality.

I absolutely live in fear of what will be in the future, if porn keeps on as it is. We all know at some point into the teenage years, our children will access it somehow, if not ours, future partners of our children. Is this the status quo we really want?

I suggest looking at some of the links posted. For you wine, it maybe too much to soon. Hollywood have tried to address the issues in films such as Taken with Bradley Cooper. It's a crap film, but it's about the kidnap and trafficking and drugging of women, for prostitution, sex services, et al. It's not pretty.

Some people like porn, some people don't. Some people for some reasons, some for others. No not all porn is with compromised women, how do you know which is. The content is becoming more extreme. No doubt about that.

What it comes down to porn aside, substitute it for a computer game. Ops husband is ignoring her, not showing her any intimacy and is playing the game, rather than be with her and lying to her about it.

That is not a good or healthy relationship.

windsorTides · 03/11/2011 10:06

OP you have shown real dignity and courage admitting that. I admire you.

A couple of books I'd recommend are Pornland by Gail Dines and Pornified by Pamela Paul. There are also some very good threads in Feminism about the way that porn is made, with links.

You're right about having been brainwashed, but to an extent so has your partner. If you're both about the same age, you have doubtless grown up with a joint expectation that men will use porn and that women who object to it are prudes with low esteem. Gail Dines in particular concentrates on promoting the more truthful message that strong political women who love sex, can nevertheless object to the porn industry.

It takes a strong person to stand back and realise how much she has absorbed the conditioning and myths about porn, but more and more people of both sexes are challenging it. One of the best explanations I ever heard about conditioning and the effect it can have on perfectly rational, intelligent people is to remember that good people have enormous capacity to collude in evil, if that behaviour has become normalised and deemed acceptable. This is how genocide is sanctioned as an acceptable military and political tactic and why rape features in so many conflicts. If everyone around you is saying that it's perfectly acceptable to do something and that there must be something very strange about you if you don't, it can be very difficult to object.

One of the best ways to tackle this I think is to ask your partner to wise up about what really happens in porn. You've seen some of the denial on this thread and you'll see it on others; that it's only 'acting' (it isn't, the women really are being doubly penetrated and made to gag) and that the performers are enjoying themselves (read about how many performers have to anaesthetise themselves from the pain and you'll understand the vacant looks on their faces).

If your partner is at his core a decent person, he is likely to be as horrified as you about what really happens. In my opinion, this is a much more sustainable solution to your problem than vainly hoping he won't look at porn. He needs to 'get' this more than you and reach his own conclusions.

fiventhree · 03/11/2011 10:06

Read this thread this morning, as I am facing similar issues. My H has admitted a fairly extensive porn habit too, although I am sure there is more, and I am still needing to hear it. We have started relate, and are discussing stuff.

There are some really useful posts on here, especially from those with personal experience in their own relationships.

What I cant understand is, all the bitch posts. Posters are welcome to their views, but if I shared them I might start a different post myself, about porn and relationships in general.

Unicornshoes- I think you are saying that you have discovered more than you expected to about your husband and that you are concerned that the popups mean that more is going on. I dont think that popup mean that is likely, although, separately, I do think that it is possible (only possible) that he is doing more, or will in the future. To use an analogy, most heroin users start with dope, but not all dope users progress through to heroin.

You dont seem to be at a stage of considering ending the relationship, from what I can see. So the key thing for you both, I feel, is to try to find some time, either alone or with a counsellor, to talk about your relationship in general, and to look at the issues for you both within it, and how these issues are making you feel and behave with each other.

I do think that an extensive an ongoing porn habit will contribute (it isnt the whole story) to a further erosion of intimacy, respect and support within the relationship. It may lead to dating sites, webcams etc, and possibly to an affair.

So I would suggest that you start to find some real time to talk, and possibly with relate or similar. I wish I had done so a few years ago; we wouldnt be in such a mess now.

fiventhree · 03/11/2011 10:21

bubblegumpop, great post

MadAboutHotChoc · 03/11/2011 11:15

Good post WT- the approach you suggested is the one we used, rather than me banning him from porn, my H had to come to his own conclusions and after his research, his eyes (and mine as I was a bit naive about how bad it is) were well and truly opened.

For him, using porn had an impact on our sex life - over time, it eroded intimacy in our marriage and made it easier for him to justify having an affair.

Molasses · 03/11/2011 17:08

There is some good info on this site OP. www.oneangrygirl.net/antiporn.html

AnyFucker · 03/11/2011 18:30

hi again, OP

have a peruse around the Feminism/Women's Rights section, there are loads of links to useful material there

I second wT's book suggestions too

would your DH consider reading them ?

also, a documentary I nearly linked to earlier is very sobering viewing and I challenge anyone to watch it and not have their eyes opened

I am not linking it here, but it is easy enough to google

it is a programme about Max Hardcore, a well-known porn "baron" who was imprisoned for his online sexual abuse of women (these were "mainstream" sites btw) and "Felicity", a young woman who tried to get into the industry via him, thinking it would make her rich

she thought she could handle it, she couldn't

he has an unusual "initiation" procedure Shock

google "max hardcore" and "felicity" and watch it with your husband

unless you are married to a psychopath (which I doubt), I guarantee you will both be profoundly moved by it, especially if you have daughters

UnlikelyAmazonian · 03/11/2011 21:39

Interesting- vincent taback's porn trajectory.

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