worried about OH porn use leading onto something more?

[unicornshoes]

Hi, just wanted some advice from those that know. OH has been looking a quite a bit of porn recently on line, which I am a little upset over having recently had a baby and feeling very unattractive myself. Everytime I ask if he has been looking at porn he says no, even though it pops up the next day as I open a new tab. But he prefers to lie than just admit it? Recently though having looked at what he had looked at because of his denial thing and pop up came up. Saying something like "hey sexy, Im dying to speak to you". I asked him about it and he said he has no idea why this popped up. Anyways I didn't believe him so clicked on this pop up which then took me directly to Adult Friend Finder, on a page which showed local women looking for sex. So to me it seems as though he must have searched that site?

I again asked him about it and he said it must just be linked to some of the other websites he has looked on and that they know is location through our IP address?

I feel sick to my stomach to think he has been searching for local women or god knows what else. I just dont know if what he is saying is true re the IP address?

He is pretty convincing and I don't know if I'm being a bit dim.

Our relationship hasn't been great recently, two young children, no intimacy so I think who would blame him if he was looking elsewhere. I just can't figure out if he is telling the truth.

Where do you draw the line anyway? What is it acceptable for a man to look at while masturbating? Pictures of attractive clothed women? Page 3? Women on TV?

Would you be offended if you knew your man was masturbating while thinking of any women other than you? It's fucking ridiculous IMO. It's controlling on a ridiculous level. You can't try to control people's minds like that and expect a relationship to last.

Porn is addictive. MRI studies have found that frequent use of porn (this also applies to gambling) replicates brain patterns that are very very similar to if you were using heroin for example.

"Certainly we know about compulsive eating, gaming and shopping but more and more, sex is joining those ranks. And yet no one likes to talk about it, because it?s supposed to be ?private? and as such, it stays vastly underreported. Our country?s dirty little secret.

So when you try to have a conversation about this, it most often deconstructs into black and white categories with little to no room for nuance.

Yet, the divorce statistics show that compulsive online sexual activity by one partner is the reason stated in the majority of divorce cases every year?that?s alarming! And this is coming from matrimonial lawyers.

When you have an over-$750 million dollar a year industry that sells and services internet monitoring and filtering software, 750 million dollars every year, and mind you, roughly HALF of that is installed by the person with the compulsion?not the spouse, and not the concerned parent?that speaks volumes about the way we?re using sex compulsively now, and that?s alarming."

Taken from: erotica...

That would suggest to me that porn use can be very damaging for relationships. And I have met real people effected by this, who have gone from compulsive porn use to doing things like indecent exposure and/or filming people without their knowledge.

you are not understanding people's point, JLK

nobody wants to "ban wanking"

many people have emotional and sociological objections to porn and feel that it's very existence reinforces cultural attitudes towards the objectification, abuse and dehumanisation of women

that has nothing at all to do with "stop trying to ban your man from wanking or he might go off with another woman" (which is what you are literally saying)

It's NOT unacceptable to you JLK2. It IS to others. You are entitled to your opinion.

Op however has come here for support, not to be told the rights and wrongs of her opinions and thoughts.

Who are you to tell her she is wrong? Many people have political opposition to porn you know.

Rather than being so aggressive and small minded, you maybe able to see further than your nose.

Oh and WRT to your last point. You can't expect to sit up every night, wanking over other women, whilst deceiving your partner, and ignoring intimacy with them, and expect the relationship to last.

For those not as small minded as you, they have realised this is far more than just the porn.

Can be people really not distinguish between masturbation while using your imagination and masturbation while using what could potentially be film or images involving actual coercion and/or abuse of women? Most internet porn is misogynistic, some mildly so, some incredibly so - those of you who are fully ok with your partner's porn use, wouldn't you want to know if he was wanking to images of a man fucking a woman while he has his foot on her face or is choking her with his hands or making her gag on his cock?

I'd be very disturbed if I thought my DH was into that sort of crap.
That is the reality of mainstream porn, go onto the "most popular" videos on any porn - hub type site and that's what you get.

Nobody on this thread has implied that men shouldn't be free to wank whilst thinking of whatever the hell they like, I don't know why you think that being anti porn = being anti masturbation or anti sex, I really don't.

Porn is a problem if it gets in the way of an intimate relationship with your partner. If it is in addition to a relationship with your partner and it doesn't affect it, aI don't see the problem at all..

I don't know why you think that being anti porn = being anti masturbation or anti sex, I really don't.

That is a common misconception, Mal, amongst people who are not really well-educated on the effects of porn on society...or, more worryingly, don't really care

Now we are getting there JLK2............

Porn is a problem if it gets in the way of an intimate relationship with your partner. If it is in addition to a relationship with your partner and it doesn't affect it, aI don't see the problem at all.

Op DOES have a problem, there is hardly any intimacy at all. So rather than make an effort with the op. He is up wanking most nights using porn, and lying about it.

See the issue now?

So you have to be educated to understand why your relationship with your partner that you thought was a happy one is actually an unhappy one? If that's the case, then forgive me for preferring to remain "uneducated". I don't think porn has had a negative affect on my relationship, and from what I know about sexual relationships in the past, I think we are a lot better off today now that people can be more open about it all.

JLK2, who cares about your relationship exactly? Op is here for help with hers. Porn isn't causing you a problem. GREAT. It is for op.

What is so hard for you to understand?

The thread was derailed long before I came into it. The point of this forum is not just people replying to the OP is it? Discussions can progress in other directions.

It sounds like porn is having a negative affect on the OP and her husbands relationship.

I'm just throwing in my tuppence worth here, but he obviously uses porn, so i just think you should tell him you would respect his honesty if he could just admit to this, the woman pop up thing, can come from any site you've logged into with allows these adds, like for instance he could have been on a porn site like that red tube or what not and these pop ups just come up, i don't think it means specifically he's been looking to talk to these women.

I understand what you mean about feeling a bit crap about it, i'm sure most woman do, when they find out about their partners porn use or them masturbating to things or what not, it can make you feel a bit "unloved".

But i think honesty is the best policy here and he needs to know you're sensitive about it.

Right, so start letting people advise her then. Rather than derailing it further with your own agenda.

Referring to people like the op as "fucking ridiculous and controlling".

You admit, it sounds like she has a problem, so give it a rest eh? Stop pushing your own views down peoples throats. Trying to show everyone, your relationship, is the, "right way".

She came here for help with a problem. Even opinions, but not a continued debate and not to be told how fucking wonderful your relationship is, again, why can't you understand that?

JLK2 Wed 02-Nov-11 16:10:03
That isn't what I said at all
If men have to release their excess sexual energy in a direction that isn't their
partner, I'd rather it be in the direction of an unobtainable porn star than in the direction of another woman.
------------

I am the same with the above statement. Id rather my DH watch porn, have a wank than poke some bimbo he meets online or what not.

Maybe he uses it or doesnt use it to get his kicks, maybe he just wants something to focus on but puts YOU (OP) in the picture, im guessing the main reason is that it could be because he is sleeping in a seperate bed/bedroom because you are co-sleeping.

Maybe put baby in cot/bed wherever, instead of co-sleeping and invite your DP back into the marital bed. Work it out and hey presto!

does it have to be either/or ?

how about neither ?

does that not compute ?

To those professing to be in the know, with all so wonderful dp's. Your posts speak volumes.

Calling women bimbos. Being so insecure and having such little opinions of your dp's. That if you don't let them watch porn, they will "poke" someone else.

Paradise eh?

something to aspire to...

mutually-respectful relationships ? God, they're soooo passe

Why is accepting that your dp watches porn, equate to having a low opinion of him?

And why do you talk about "letting" your husband watch porn? Do you think he's a child, that needs your permission to do things?

I have a low opinion of men who watch porn on a regular basis

< holds hands up >

I have no opinion on your individual relationship however, that is for the person in it to rationalise as they see fit

I think that believing that all men have an innate and uncontrollable need to use porn , equates to having a low opinion of men.

So many women are practically brainwashed into thinking that men can't function without porn in their lives and that nothing should be allowed to get in the way of mens' desires.

You see it on here all the time, women ridiculed for being upset that they've discovered a partner's porn use, sometimes after many years of believing/being led to believe that he isn't a porn user.

My own theory is that the women who belittle and decry the feelings of other women who object to a partner's porn use are using it as a defensive tactic so they don't have to think too deeply about their own relationships , it's easier to believe that all men use porn, than to examine the fact that plenty of men have no interest and certainly no need for porn.

Haven't read whole thread. My ex-H got massively into porn after our DS was born. I found it very hurtful but thought like OP - oh well, he's not getting enough sex poor thing.

The more he wanked off in his room the more I didn't want to 'get intimate' with him. Poor lad felt rejected. I blamed myself...blamed myself for not being an orifice breast-feeding thing for the poor privately-educated entitled nob husband. (He farted like a horse too. Yuk. But Maybe he got off on that.)

Anyway, after he had fucked off abroad I discovered that in his past (ie before I met him) he had been a massive porn and prostitute user. He had successfully covered it up.

He went to Thailand. To 'have seedy sex' as he so nicely put it before getting on the plane leaving me and our small baby.

What a porn-using, always-masturbating, KY-jelly over-dosing, self-important fuck wit.

I hope he is spending his hard-on (pub) earned Thai bhats to get a penis extension. Because by god he needed one.

OP, you dont like porn. Good. From the sites I saw of his, it's all women opening their gobs while blokes shoot sperm into them, or squirt it all over their faces and grab their breasts for about a nano second before they start shagging them senseless as the women groan into camera looking as though they have just got off a number 2 bus to clacton for this seedy 'shoot' in some crappy flat. Then the women end up on their knees looking like they need to gag while the men congratulate themselves on being some kind of adonis. It's bloody hideous.

that's the reality of it, UA < applauds >

men who like this ?

really ?

you could fancy a man who got off on this ?

really ?

I look at youporn sometimes.... when I am so knackered from raising my prozzie-porn using ex tosser's beautiful son that I can't be bothered to get the rabbit out.

But then what I see is so disgusting and the women are so covered in sperm and its all over their faces and in their hair and eyes, I just want a hot bath and to cry.

It really is bloody horrible. I don't care whether it's just a 'prop' for some decent men now and again or not. It's just so bloody degrading and infantile and disgusting. Women do not like have sperm spat all over their faces and swallowing it. It tastes disgusting and makes us want to gag.

Ahem, all I'm saying is, my exH obviously wanted that fantasy...but in thailand it's a reality. If men want the real porn thing, then that is the place to go. And good luck to you. Head for Pattaya, Bangkok, chiang mai...Thailand is still the sex capital of the earth. Hey you can even get married and divorced in a day if you think you have a 'moral conscience' to salve about wanting dirty sex that badly.

Just stop blaming your wives and the mothers of your children in good old boring blighty for not putting out like some asian ladyboy. We are too busy doing other things frankly than to have you piss glue all over our faces.