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Original poster

worried about OH porn use leading onto something more?

208 replies

unicornshoes · 01/11/2011 12:53

Hi, just wanted some advice from those that know. OH has been looking a quite a bit of porn recently on line, which I am a little upset over having recently had a baby and feeling very unattractive myself. Everytime I ask if he has been looking at porn he says no, even though it pops up the next day as I open a new tab. But he prefers to lie than just admit it? Recently though having looked at what he had looked at because of his denial thing and pop up came up. Saying something like "hey sexy, Im dying to speak to you". I asked him about it and he said he has no idea why this popped up. Anyways I didn't believe him so clicked on this pop up which then took me directly to Adult Friend Finder, on a page which showed local women looking for sex. So to me it seems as though he must have searched that site?

I again asked him about it and he said it must just be linked to some of the other websites he has looked on and that they know is location through our IP address?

I feel sick to my stomach to think he has been searching for local women or god knows what else. I just dont know if what he is saying is true re the IP address?

He is pretty convincing and I don't know if I'm being a bit dim.

Our relationship hasn't been great recently, two young children, no intimacy so I think who would blame him if he was looking elsewhere. I just can't figure out if he is telling the truth.

OP posts:
JLK2 · 02/11/2011 11:37

By nasty realities, do you mean rape, torture, trafficking and abuse of women and children within these industries?
As opposed to the rape, torture, trafficking and abuse of women and children (and men) outside of the porn industry? Where do you think more people are enslaved? In the porn industry or in agriculture, mining, manufacturing, clothing, etc etc ?

I don't see how you can blame individual men for the fact that "mainstream porn is everywhere". There's clearly a demand for it. It's up to parents to ensure that kids do not get hold of it, and for older kids, to make sure they understand it in context and how it differs from real life.

JLK2 · 02/11/2011 11:39

Porn apologisst? I don't use porn. I just don't have a massive hang up about men using it. I just think it is ridiculous for someone to talk about "banning" their husband from doing something, I don't know many men that would put up with it tbh, and those that do would resent the hell out of their wife for doing it. How would you feel if your husband "banned" you from doing something?

MadAboutHotChoc · 02/11/2011 11:52

Where did I talk about banning OH??

JLK2 · 02/11/2011 11:55

Someone else did. OR said that it was a "deal-breaker". Ridiculous IMO. Men are entitled to their private fantasies, just as women are.

Where do you set the boundries of what it is ok to men to look at or think about when they masturbate? Or is masturbation unacceptable? Should someone invent a chastity belt for men? It seems there's a demand for them.

MadAboutHotChoc · 02/11/2011 11:59

As for the demand for mainstream porn - who do you think creates this demand..men (and women) who use porn...duh!!

Children's views of sex and sexuality have changed due to the influence of the porn industry - they do not live in a bubble sadly.

As for other industries - I am aware of some of the grim realities and try to be an ethical buyer and grow some of my own food but rape/torture/slavery just so that men can have a good wank is not the same as growing food to feed people....

Charbon · 02/11/2011 12:05

I don't think you quite understand what really happens in the porn industry JLK and pointing to other examples of human rights abuse is a specious argument. Objecting to dehumanising practices in one industry does not equate to support for them in others.

This isn't about 'banning' a partner from using porn. It's about transparency of choices.

For the OP to have the choice to say she doesn't like it and would prefer her partner didn't use it, would require her to know about it.

Sadly, this OP does know but doesn't seem to feel she has the right to object to it.

I wish it weren't so. She has every right.

Her partner is then entitled to say that regardless of the OP's objections, he will continue to use porn and the OP will then have to decide whether she's willing to tolerate that.

This is about choices and being open about them, not 'banning'.

MadAboutHotChoc · 02/11/2011 12:05

I said deal breaker - which is not the same as banning him. My H knows and respects my views, and does not want to be part of the industry any more. As part of his counselling, we did a lot of reading about porn and he made the decision himself to stop using it.

You are getting silly when talking about banning masturbating - as long as you are not hurting anyone (which you are if you are part of the demand for porn) I don't have a problem with it.

JLK2 · 02/11/2011 12:09

I do not think that most porn is the result of rape/torture/slavery.

I think a lot of women that ban their partners from looking at porn (or regard it as a "deal-breaker" which amounts to the same thing), do not have a very high opinion of men in general and just want to bully and control them into being what they want.

Malificence · 02/11/2011 12:17

"Should someone invent a chastity belt for men? It seems there's a demand for them".
They're already out there and there is a big demand for them, in fact lots of men first get into chastity play because they realise their over use of masturbation ( so much so that it inhibits a normal sex life with their wife) is damaging their relationships.
Just so you know. Wink

MadAboutHotChoc · 02/11/2011 12:17

Men do have a choice about whether they want to respect their partners' views and feelings. Women have every right to their own views and they also can choose if they want to stay with someone who does not care about their views/feelings. I am sure there are things you would not put up with in your relationship (if you are in one).

As Charbon says, you don't quite know what is really going on in the porn industry - I will stop now because this thread is going off the rails, except to suggest that you do some research.

bubblegumpop · 02/11/2011 12:21

No, it is really funny as AF pointed out. When people come onto a thread, use caps, THERE *THEIR. Then start shouting and screaming at how thick and naive others are.

When they can't even spell. It makes them look uneducated and mouthy. Especially spouting drivel like that.

AnyFucker · 02/11/2011 13:56

bubblegum, I am a bitter old caaaaaaah , too, don't forget that Wink

made my night, that did

Deargdoom · 02/11/2011 14:06

He is just being deceiptful because he knows you disapprove or thinks you'll interpret it as rejection of you. All he is doing is bashing the bishop. Don't worry about it.

AnyFucker · 02/11/2011 14:20

gotta laugh at someone reporting my post for calling someone "dull"

LisaLovesWine · 02/11/2011 14:58

After reading the other posts by the OP she hasnt said ONCE that he DOES look at porn, only that she is convinced he is looking at porn and lying to her because of pop ups.

But oh well theres no talking to some people. So as the OP sugguested, i will Fuck Off. If your that fucking bothered why not leave him, you would rather speak about him about the situation rather than to him about the situation

Toodle Pip

Malificence · 02/11/2011 15:13

"OH has been looking a quite a bit of porn recently on line".

Which bit of this sentence do you not understand LISA? Confused

OP looked at the porn sites that he had looked at, the pop ups came from them - jeez!

AnyFucker · 02/11/2011 15:16

lisa OP described the porn use and the pop ups as two separate issues

she said the porn sites were tabbed when she opened the pc after he had been using it

so unless, he navigated to porn sites but didn't look at any of the pretty pictures, he has been using porn...that has been established beyond doubt

OP's worry is that his use of it will escalate to other services of a sexual nature, which doesn't seem that much of a leap to me

densensitisation is an unfortunate side effect of porn usage (for some), requiring the user to seek out more "intense" stimulation which may include webcamming with real people or developing relationships that they would have found inappropriate before

it's not rocket science, really

if the OP wishes to reconsider her relationship with this man because of his porn use, but above all his "deceit" and assumption that she is too stupid to realise what is before her very eyes, that is her right

conversely, if she decides it's not a deal breaker for her, so be it

JLK2 · 02/11/2011 15:19

I wonder what the OP would have said had her OH disclosed his porn use to her from day one? My suspicion is that there would not have even been a day two.

bubblegumpop · 02/11/2011 16:00

I know AF, I read the fist 2 pages and sigh just gave up. If people want to construct a valid point, fair enough.

But shouting and telling others they are thick or naive with such atrocious spelling, just winds me up. It's ironic and I'm not one for the grammar police, but yes in context, it does matter.

Anyhow, what annoyed me more is the ridicule of the op, in said bad English, when it is in fact allowed to dislike porn.

I did wonder for those who watch the X FACTOR, where people like that Frankie Cockhazard, are getting their votes from.

It's like the female of the species wants to send us back 50 years. It's cool to like man slags and Women should put up and shut up. Depressing.

JLK2 · 02/11/2011 16:04

If we went back 50 years, men wouldn't have porn, but they would be able to have affairs. Now it's the other way round. I think it's better.

bubblegumpop · 02/11/2011 16:07

See what I mean? Men must have porn or they will have affairs.

See, you silly little men who can't keep their pants up. See you silly little women, just put up with it or else.

JESUS, what year are we in? Hmm How patronising and insulting to men, tbh.

AnyFucker · 02/11/2011 16:08

@ Frankie Cockhazard

AnyFucker · 02/11/2011 16:09

JLK...do you think men are programmed to cheat or use porn (or both) ?

That they couldn't < shock horror > do neither and still "be a man" ?

JLK2 · 02/11/2011 16:10

That isn't what I said at all.

If men have to release their excess sexual energy in a direction that isn't their partner, I'd rather it be in the direction of an unobtainable porn star than in the direction of another woman.

AnyFucker · 02/11/2011 16:11

JLK...do you believe that a man's balls will explode if he doesn't "release the sexual energy" ?