worried about OH porn use leading onto something more?

[unicornshoes]

Hi, just wanted some advice from those that know. OH has been looking a quite a bit of porn recently on line, which I am a little upset over having recently had a baby and feeling very unattractive myself. Everytime I ask if he has been looking at porn he says no, even though it pops up the next day as I open a new tab. But he prefers to lie than just admit it? Recently though having looked at what he had looked at because of his denial thing and pop up came up. Saying something like "hey sexy, Im dying to speak to you". I asked him about it and he said he has no idea why this popped up. Anyways I didn't believe him so clicked on this pop up which then took me directly to Adult Friend Finder, on a page which showed local women looking for sex. So to me it seems as though he must have searched that site?

I again asked him about it and he said it must just be linked to some of the other websites he has looked on and that they know is location through our IP address?

I feel sick to my stomach to think he has been searching for local women or god knows what else. I just dont know if what he is saying is true re the IP address?

He is pretty convincing and I don't know if I'm being a bit dim.

Our relationship hasn't been great recently, two young children, no intimacy so I think who would blame him if he was looking elsewhere. I just can't figure out if he is telling the truth.

ryzer I will ask again

do I "know" you ?

you seem to know a lot about me

personal insults and illiteracy

a winning combination

No AnyFucker he doesnt 'know' you he just knows what you are like on these forums i.e posting wise.

OP if you are still reading, I am sorry you feel bad

you are more than entitled to feel that way, even if people try to tell you how you should feel, not least your husband

get some rest and come back to this thread tomorrow, there tend to be fewer porn apologists around during the day time

sleep tight x

sweet dreams everyone x

Oh dear! I thought I'd have a quick look this morning to see if I had had any further replies and what do y'know!

Slating me because I don't really understand how the internet works, thats nice, some of you are clearly advanced IT guru's, well I am not, but hey ho at least I can spell.

I'm quite glad I go to bed early now, gosh all the bitches really do come out after the watershed. Although OTOH gutted I was not "here" to defend myself. Not including AF in that last statement and equally some of the other more helpful comments.

But some of you, shriekinglisa, infamousryzer for instance, well do fuck off and perhaps read the thread properly before leaving your snipey little comments.

Luckily I am feeling slightly stronger/happier this morning so I won't let your bitchiness spoil my morning. On the contrary, you have made me laugh at YOU.

Thank you to the majority of you who have given me some good advice and kind understanding.

OP - listen to your instincts, you are not being dim or paranoid.

You know your H is cheating and that he is lying to you.

Just read the whole of this rather bizarre thread. Shame it was hijacked by posters who clearly have issues with each other-maybe time to grow up now ladies?

To op-what exactly is your issue with dh? Is it the watching of porn or merely the lying about it? You clearly need to sit down and have a frank discussion with him pronto.

My advice would be stop the co-sleeping and get the baby in its own room and dh back in your bed but am sure will get the bf brigade flaming down on me very shortly for that comment

Btw-all babies will take a bottle-your just not shoving it in hard enough

Pink4ever - I do have slight issues about the porn and it upsets me a little but don't feel I can ask him not to do it. Just have low self esteem since giving birth, having a wobbly tum etc. Does not do me any favours to know that he is looking at other women whether they be real or not. Of course I hate the lies, they just make the situation a whole lot worse. My exact issue is the lies, this coupled with sleep deprivation causes much tension.

I love the co-sleeping and feel I have no option unless I want to be getting out of bed several times a night. Last night was a good night, just 4 feeds but I really wouldn't have wanted to drag myself out of my nice warm bed to do that. I want to continue the co-sleeping ideally until she sleeps through or maybe just wakes once a night?! fat chance of that at the moment.

Have tried the bottle, have tried getting other people to give her a bottle, have been out for the evening long enough to ensure she was hungry and no, still did not take a bloody bottle. She waited up for me instead and as a result must have drank some fairly boozy milk when I got in. She is 7 months old btw, I did not go out leaving a newborn. I did contact OH while out and he said all was fine, which I assumed meant she had took a bottle or I would have stopped drinking immediately.

Madaboutchoc - I really don't think that he has cheated, I don't view looking at porn cheating. I would view chatting on line to other women on a sex site as cheating and would be a deal breaker for me, hence my original post re IP addresses etc.

Pink4ever - my son never took a bottle despite several attempts.

The cheating I refer to is the online chatting.

With porn, as well as the fact that there are political and moral issues with this industry, there is a link between porn and infidelity. I would make clear your feelings about it with your OH - my H knows that its a deal breaker for me as his use of porn led to his affair.

Madaboutchoc - I know from Mumsnet about the links between porn and infidelity and this really does worry me. But what can I do? I really feel I cannot insist that he stops looking at porn whilst I am not in the mood for sex. Perhaps when I get more sleep I'll be more inclined to stay up later and spend some much needed time with him but feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel whilst DD won't feed from another source! I'm sorry about your H's affair. Can you directly link porn with his affair? did he meet OW on line?

Sorry but I think to say there is q link betweeen porn and infidelity is ridiculous. You aren't going to stop a man having an affair by "banning" him from looking at porn. If anything, it's just going to push him into it out of resentment.

You cannot make him stop looking at it, I agree. My H did some reading about the reality of the porn industry and that was enough to stop him - it really is an awful industry where people are subject to so much abuse.

Your OH does not need to look at porn in order to masturbate, how did you think men coped before porn became so easily obtainable?

I would look at why you find it hard to get in the mood - is it because you do the lion's share of the work? because you both are not spending time together as a couple? making time for yourself? lack of emotional intimacy? Your OH will need to compromise - by coming to bed early on occasion etc.

For us, the link was secrecy which built a barrier to emotional intimacy and also the practice of keeping secrets made it easier for him to have an affair. He used to stay up late on the laptop and gradually his friendship with OW turned into a full blown affair.

JLK2 - men who choose to have affairs do so because they are weak, selfish, and/or entitled and not because they've been banned from using porn.

Looks like it was idiots' night out last night, nothing on the telly I suppose?
If people are going to have a go at my posts, they could at least learn to read them properly first, not to mention reading the OP properly.
One of the very first things I said was that the pop ups didn't mean he had been on those fuckbuddy sites.

Perhaps I'll ask him to do some research of his own then if thats what it takes for a man to realise the seriousness of it.

I don't really think I do the lionshare, he does help out. Its just I haven't had a decent nights sleep for over 7 months now and it takes its toll. We don't really spend any time alone always with the children, my DM has offered to come over and stay with the children while we go out, so I need to arrange that asap. I don't get much time to myself yet and hoping that will change as DD goes longer between feeds so I can actually go out, even if its just for a swim. He did come to bed with us last night as I sort of demanded that he did! then he went back down stairs again as I said I wanted to get to sleep, so not really sure if that helped or not. Suppose it was better than nothing.

No doubt he came back down to go on the laptop last night, I don't know and haven't checked. Again I'm sorry about your H and thank you for your experience it tells a lot.

We do have some other issues too, but don't wish to spill these out now and don't want to drip feed.

I have to go out now, but will come back later. Please don't think I have disappeared. I'm finding talking about this very helpful. Thanks Madaboutchoc x

Your OH does not need to look at porn in order to masturbate, how did you think men coped before porn became so easily obtainable?
They probably fantasised about women they knew at work, their wife's friends, ex-girlfriends etc. What do you think they did? And what is more likely to lead to them having an affair, that, or wanking over porn stars they don't know and will never meet?

Quote from the opening post - "OH has been looking a quite a bit of porn recently on line".

Especially for the hard of thinking

Ahh, we have a mind reader in our midst

JLK2 - what did I say about why cheaters have affairs? Because they are selfish, weak, entitled...not because they have been wanking over their neighbour/colleagues or porn stars!

The nasty realities of the porn industry means that I do not want a man who think its ok to have an orgasm using the images of these abused women, and a man who choose to do this have a dehumanised view of women.

What about the "nasty realities" of other industries? Do you make your own clothes, grow your own food, build your own electronic devices? No?

OP - sorry about that, yet another porn apologist trying to justify why they use porn, sad isn't it.

I hope that you do come back - and thanks for saying you're sorry about my H.

Speak to you soon x

JLK2 - By nasty realities, do you mean rape, torture, trafficking and abuse of women and children within these industries? Many of them will have already been abused before entering the industry. Also what about the fact that mainstream porn is everywhere - easily accessed by our children and harming them? What about the link between porn and child rape/violence?