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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Where is my DH? What should I do?

302 replies

sooooworried · 14/10/2011 18:25

Don't really know what I will gain by posting this - hopefully some good advice.

I am 6 months pg, DH has a drug problem which surfaced a few years ago and is in recovery. Going to Narcotics Anon and seeing a counsellor. Apart from that he is perfect in every way and I love him deeply. Since finding out about his problem (which he kept hidden from me) I have been 100% behind support him to stop. He has tried hard. In 2.5 years this problem has been known to me he has relapsed a handful of times, nothing for 9 months, then 3 times in the last 6.

We both work full time and call and text each other lots all day every day just to keep in touch.

Today was a normal day - he got up with alarm, got ready for work and left after making us both breakfast which we sat down to together. He said he had a busy day ahead (not unusual). He left for work at 8am and I worked at home today. I was also busy and around 2:30pm called him - normally we would have been in touch a lot prior to that but I hadn't contacted him and he hadn't contacted me. Occasionally when we are that busy that will happen. His phone went straight to vmail, I left him one. I phoned him again an hour later, then phoned his work phone (mobile) straight after, nothing. He texted at 15:38pm "Love you darling. Wll call later. Busy day. xx" I have phoned and texted lots since then - my texts getting more and more frantic and nothing. He should be in NA right now - I assume he isn't there and is on a binge somewhere. He would phone on his way there - and would know that if he hadn't spoken to me all day to call.

His pattern isn't to binge away from home but at home on his own. He hasn't done this before. I am soo worred about what is happening to him. If he was at NA he would call the second it finished (7:30pm) and then text me all the way home. I am praying he will call at 7:30pm with a "Sorry baby, really busy day didn't get a minute phone was playing up, just out of NA, see you in half an hour, love you" but I know this is stupidly naive. Where is he? Why is he doing this? What can I do to find him?

OP posts:
incognitwooohooo · 14/10/2011 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

swallowedAfly · 14/10/2011 18:33

normally i'd say it was no time at all to be out of contact but it sounds like for you guys it is - do you really text and call each other all day, every day? is that due to trust issues?

relapsing 3 times since you've been pregnant is a lot imo - it says still using more than relapsing to me so i do hope you are being realistic about his addiction.

whether he is or isn't off on a binge now you have no control over it sadly.

what will you do if he is?

swallowedAfly · 14/10/2011 18:33

what substance does he use btw?

catsrus · 14/10/2011 18:37

You need to calm down if you can. Whatever the reason for him not being in touch you need to learn how to put yourself and the baby first and get some detachment from whatever he is doing. Have you been to any al anon meetings?

If you ring the Al Anon confidential helpline you will be able to talk to someone who has lived with an addict or alcoholic, they will understand your fears and worries and give sensible advice based on that.

Al Anon Confidential Helpline 020 7403 0888
(Helpline available 10 am - 10 pm, 365 days a year)

good luck (and fingers crossed for you that it's just been a busy day)

Original poster
sooooworried · 14/10/2011 18:38

We would speak a few times a day and a few texts yes. Mostly just mundane daily stuff. For me it is about knowing he is ok.

Cocaine.

Shit shit.

I am not sure what I will do - I don't have any energy to do anything,

OP posts:
Original poster
sooooworried · 14/10/2011 18:43

Not been to Al Anon. See a counsellor at a local charity for those living with someone with an additcion. She works part time and her phone is off, there isn't a 24hr number. Might call Al Anon. I can't really speak as crying and in a state. Typing easier.

OP posts:
Original poster
sooooworried · 14/10/2011 18:45

I know 3 times since the pg is a lot. It has been about 2 months since the last one and I really thought he was back on track. Really reallly did.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 14/10/2011 18:53

Please understand that you cannot control this man. If he wants to take coke, he will take coke. Even if he loves you, or says he loves you, he will only stop taking coke when he decides that he's had enough. Addicts are deeply selfish and there is nothing at all anyone else can do to make the addict stop. I think you should be concentrating on yourself and your baby and withdrawing from this man as much as possible. If he wants to kill himself it's his problem, don't let him make it yours.

catsrus · 14/10/2011 18:59

he might still be back on track, he might not. What you have to think about is you and the baby. I know that's hard but you will need to learn how to detach and not get torn apart by his emotional state. It's perfectly normal to be affected by the emotions and problems of those we love - but anyone in a relationship with an addict needs to learn how to create boundaries because they don't have them.

A useful trick to help calm down is to concentrate on breathing out, don't worry about breathing in, that will happen :) just breathe out slowly, sit somewhere comfortable, close your eyes and centre yourself, concentrate on the breathing. If it helps set an alarm on your phone for 15 or 20 minutes - just go and give yourself that time and really try to just relax.

If you can do that you will feel much more able to ring Al Anon and talk to someone.

Original poster
sooooworried · 14/10/2011 19:00

I know, but I really hoped that I (and the baby) could make him not want to do it again. It is out first - we have been trying for ages. This morning we were talking about colours for the nursery - I really want to understand this and help him and don't want to give up on him, I really need him at the moment.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 14/10/2011 19:01

Im really sorry, try to remain calm, there is nothing you can do and getting upset will just make the baby more active.

My sister is a coke addict.

You should be restricting his money, coke is not cheap and those who are addicted think nothing of taking 4gms in a night that's £200.00.

Original poster
sooooworried · 14/10/2011 19:02

thanks I am going to try that - I am not sure how to calm down and stop worrying otherwise - these are just words and so hard to do. I'll try that.

OP posts:
buzzskeleton · 14/10/2011 19:02

I hope there's an innocent explanation: phone died or something.

What are you going to do if he has relapsed again? How many chances does he get?

Original poster
sooooworried · 14/10/2011 19:04

Really Fabby? I hope she is ok.

His volumes are scary. Rock bottom 2 years ago was 20 in one night.

Going to breathe.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 14/10/2011 19:05

Honey there is nothing you can do. I used to do cocaine for a year I done it, whereas I used it as a clubbing crutch, I never used at home or when not drinking.

My sister however used to wake in the morning take shit loads of the stuff, more than I would do in a weekend and go back to sleep.

It has caused her to be terribly ill mentally, and she tried to take her own life a few years ago.

I stopped 8 years ago because I was becoming paranoid, and my mental health got bad.

The damage it causes to you mentally are permanent and not reversible.

I live on medication because I couldn't live otherwise, but I'd rather that than take cocaine.

FabbyChic · 14/10/2011 19:06

I don't talk to her anymore. She isn't a nice person.

I hope you know how much it costs, that money could be benefitting you and your child. It's £40 quid a gramme, that's if you lucky, some charge £50.

Onemorning · 14/10/2011 19:09

worried, my exH was an alcoholic and would disappear for days on drinking binges.

People upthread have given some good advice - look after yourself and (I know how hard this is) try not to worry too much about your partner. It might be worth calling Al-Anon for a chat with someone who knows what you are going through - they were diamonds when exH was at his worst.

swallowedAfly · 14/10/2011 19:09

right so he's done it three times in four months then? and now a 2 month gap? not really off drugs is he? you've got to be realistic. he's just still having a coke blow out when he feels like it.

obviously no physical addiction going on given the lengths between using. does he identify as an addict because he was physically addicted at one stage? or because he got into trouble with coke use? was there a rock bottom - presumably there was another stage to the every few weeks to a couple of months between using pattern that he is now in.

is it problematic when he goes on a bender? what are the consequences for him and for you? if he is using coke now what will the fall out be?

Original poster
sooooworried · 14/10/2011 19:09

That is what I am trying to work through with the counsellor. I feel there are no consequences for him as after an hour or two of anger and pain I am nice to him, cuddle him and console him. He is regretful and very apologietic but says things like "this is making me feel worse, I need to feel better" whenever I scream at him, pack his stuff try to throw him out etc.

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 14/10/2011 19:11

£60 for decent stuff round here fabby and that's 'mates rates' and people who take a lot/regularly want decent stuff. i don't do coke btw but 'know' someone who deals.

swallowedAfly · 14/10/2011 19:12

so basically he doesn't see it as a problem?

swallowedAfly · 14/10/2011 19:12

i'm struggling to see how he is an addict in need of help and support v someone who chooses to take coke because he likes it.

where did the 'addict' label come in? what was it in the past? and did he take on that label willingly or was it your idea?

FabbyChic · 14/10/2011 19:14

It is a problem, not only to his health, but to yours, also he is spending money that is supposed to be part of his contribution to the household fund.

Do you spend as much on yourself as he does on coke?

Can you afford for him to have this selfish addiction?

I think you need to ask him to move out temporarily until he has his shit sorted, I'd never advocate kicking someone out but this is drug addiction, its expensive with regards money and emotions.

Original poster
sooooworried · 14/10/2011 19:14

I am not sure about the physical addiction thing. I think his pattern was about 1-2 days per week at its peak. Rock bottom was me finding out, finding out out about the debt and it all coming out in the open.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 14/10/2011 19:14

I agree with sgb. Your dh is a selfish man who cares about nothing but his next fix. He doesn't care about you or your baby.

I would take this opportunity to re-evaluate your life, take control and get the hell away from him.

He's relapsed three times in the past six months. Even if he hasn't relapsed this time you're clearly just living from day to day waiting for the next time, given you need to talk/text him so frequently to ensure he's still on track.

How many more chances do you need to give him?

What is it going to take for you to realize that he doesn't care about you - what are you going to do when he's using at home, in the same house as your newborn?

This isn't about him any more - before you got pregnant you had the choice whether to support him or not. Now you're expecting a baby and it's up to you to make the right choice for your baby - i.e. to not have to grow up living in the same house as a drug addict.

Your baby deserves better.

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