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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Where is my DH? What should I do?

302 replies

sooooworried · 14/10/2011 18:25

Don't really know what I will gain by posting this - hopefully some good advice.

I am 6 months pg, DH has a drug problem which surfaced a few years ago and is in recovery. Going to Narcotics Anon and seeing a counsellor. Apart from that he is perfect in every way and I love him deeply. Since finding out about his problem (which he kept hidden from me) I have been 100% behind support him to stop. He has tried hard. In 2.5 years this problem has been known to me he has relapsed a handful of times, nothing for 9 months, then 3 times in the last 6.

We both work full time and call and text each other lots all day every day just to keep in touch.

Today was a normal day - he got up with alarm, got ready for work and left after making us both breakfast which we sat down to together. He said he had a busy day ahead (not unusual). He left for work at 8am and I worked at home today. I was also busy and around 2:30pm called him - normally we would have been in touch a lot prior to that but I hadn't contacted him and he hadn't contacted me. Occasionally when we are that busy that will happen. His phone went straight to vmail, I left him one. I phoned him again an hour later, then phoned his work phone (mobile) straight after, nothing. He texted at 15:38pm "Love you darling. Wll call later. Busy day. xx" I have phoned and texted lots since then - my texts getting more and more frantic and nothing. He should be in NA right now - I assume he isn't there and is on a binge somewhere. He would phone on his way there - and would know that if he hadn't spoken to me all day to call.

His pattern isn't to binge away from home but at home on his own. He hasn't done this before. I am soo worred about what is happening to him. If he was at NA he would call the second it finished (7:30pm) and then text me all the way home. I am praying he will call at 7:30pm with a "Sorry baby, really busy day didn't get a minute phone was playing up, just out of NA, see you in half an hour, love you" but I know this is stupidly naive. Where is he? Why is he doing this? What can I do to find him?

OP posts:
buzzskeleton · 14/10/2011 19:17

Why is it your job to make him feel better when he has done wrong?

He isn't taking responsibility and facing up to his behaviour, he's putting it on you when he tells you your reaction to his wrong-doing makes him feel bad. Well, of course - he should feel guilty, he should feel bad.

swallowedAfly · 14/10/2011 19:17

right so in a way it isn't a problem for him is it? his only problem is that you don't like it.

he's not going to stop on that basis if he is essentially a selfish person who puts his own wants above you and now your unborn child.

he hasn't stopped taking coke has he? he's cut down a little bit - not even cut down that much really - what to once every month or so instead of once every week or so?

when was it you found out and what was the debt?

Original poster
sooooworried · 14/10/2011 19:18

The addict label was one that shocked me to the core - I didnt see him as an addict and neither did he until he started the counselling and they made him see he was. I think he is as it gets a grip of him as he puts it and when it does he cannot think of anything or anyone else.

No we can't afford it. Not by a long shot. Any money he spends on it is borrowed - overdraft/ credit cards. He was debt free 9 months ago, we bought a house. Not sure about now, I assumed he was still clear of debt.

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 14/10/2011 19:18

I really hope your DH is okay. You must be going out of your mind. Give in tunil 8pm when he would normally be home and then it might be time to call his friends to see if he was in work today.

fannybaws · 14/10/2011 19:18

Hi sooooworried I hope he has reappeared and it was a phone problem after all.
My DP behaved in a similar way after DS1 was born and I so remember that feeling of powerlessness and disappointment.
Do try and keep yourself as calm as you can as he wont be in any fit state to listen to you if he gets in stoned anyway.
My DP did finally move away from all that but only after me chucking him out for a while, and I would do it again in an instant if it all started up again.
Can you lock him out or go away yourself so that he has the shock of you not being there?
Hugs x

swallowedAfly · 14/10/2011 19:19

i REALLY think in this case we need to get away from the language of addiction and relapsing. this is a lifestyle thing not an addiction and he has never quit in order to relapse and was never addicted. this is simply a man who likes his coke, got in shit when his gf found out and said he'd stop but never has stopped. he's been caught 4 times in the last 6months and there's no way of knowing if they are the only times.

swallowedAfly · 14/10/2011 19:22

sorry - the addict or not is not really relevant to you right now and i'll stop going on about it.

right so you own a house together and are having a baby and he has a track record of spending money on this habit and hiding debts.

sorry OP. not fair that you're dealing with this.

are you still crying or calming down a bit? cup of tea?

FabbyChic · 14/10/2011 19:25

I liked it, but for me it became regular weekly for a year, sometimes twice a week, I'd never go out without it, and I always thought I'd have a shit night if I didn't take it, after a year I had a breakdown in Asda just walking around, realised the stuff was fucking up my head, I stopped immediately.

I done that with drink though, drank nigh on every night for a year one night on the way home from work thought god I need a drink.

I stopped immediately and only drank socially after that.

I've not drank alcohol for 19 months because I haven't gone out socially and would never drink home alone that be really sad and show I have a problem.

He uses coke as a crutch after a bad day, a bad week.

He planned to do it tonight the fact he wasn't communicative early in the afternoon shows that.

Im sorry but you don't need debt, certainly not debt borne of an addiction.

earlyriser · 14/10/2011 19:25

I'd be worried about the fact he binges at home, when you are about to have a baby. You and the baby have to come first now.

mathanxiety · 14/10/2011 19:28

What SGB said.

All that phoning. You are his mummy really. Soon you will have a real baby to mother and you are going to find it really heavy going.

If you are not prepared to give him an ultimatum and mean it he will never get any sense of perspective or be forced to evaluate what he stands to lose here. It is very obvious that he did not in fact hit rock bottom a while back.

He is not letting you be his wife and he is not being your husband, more your home improvement project. Is this what you want?

Even if he turns up later and it was all something innocent -
(A) he has no right to yank your chain like this when he knows you worry and on top of that you are pregnant, and
(B) he is still using.

It seems to me to be quite a controlling thing he is doing. He is experiencing this relationship on his terms only, including the gobsmacking "this is making me feel worse, I need to feel better" -- this is pure selfishness and control on his part.

Original poster
sooooworried · 14/10/2011 19:29

Still nothing. Not long til the meeting finishes if he is in it. Thanks for the advice, really grateful. Feel such a helpless idiot.

I thought about driving somewhere but feel rooted to the sofa. Can't even go and put the light on and it has got dark. So scared and worried about my baby, him, me, our future, everything. Really hoped to be proved to be an overreacting hormonal fool when he walks in fine with dead phone. But whoever said it upthread is right - I live in fear.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 14/10/2011 19:29

Check your bank account(s) asap. Assume nothing.

FabbyChic · 14/10/2011 19:31

Tell him when he borrows when he buys coke he is essentially taking food from the baby's mouth.

swallowedAfly · 14/10/2011 19:33

SW - he's not your teenage son babe! driving around looking for him? really?

math is right - a real baby is on it's way that really will need you totally.

ImperialBlether · 14/10/2011 19:34

I think the first thing you should do is to separate your money from his and he should live in a separate place to you.

You have to keep yourself and your child financially secure.

There is no way I'd live with someone who ran up drug debts.

swallowedAfly · 14/10/2011 19:34

how old is he btw and how long have drugs been part of his life?

janajos · 14/10/2011 19:38

Have you heard from him yet? Am thinking of you.....

smackapacca · 14/10/2011 19:39

What a nightmare. Any word yet?

Fifis25StottieCakes · 14/10/2011 19:43

My experience, they never change. sorry. A child wont fix it. I know because i have done it myself 3 times.

Have a bath, read a book and remember he is not half as concerned about you as you are of him.

Original poster
sooooworried · 14/10/2011 19:43

I've moved all our joint funds into my savings for now - it was all intact. Don't have access to his personal money but he doesn't have much - most of it goes straight to our joint account and joint savings for the baby. Leaves him only 'get by' money. I know he has extended his o/d to pay for coke tho in the past.

OP posts:
Fifis25StottieCakes · 14/10/2011 19:44

forgot to add, do as imperial says

Original poster
sooooworried · 14/10/2011 19:44

No word yet - phone going straight to vmail, work mobile still ringing out.

OP posts:
BrianAndHisBalls · 14/10/2011 19:57

hope you're feeling calmer and he's got in touch.

this bit is worrying though:

"I know, but I really hoped that I (and the baby) could make him not want to do it again".

That's a big ask to put on a baby! As well as a big ask for you. Neither you nor the baby can change him, you have to realise its only him that can stop Sad

Fifis25StottieCakes · 14/10/2011 19:58

has he got the cards for the joint account and have you got online banking?

smackapacca · 14/10/2011 19:59

Do you have anyone in RL who you can rely on?

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