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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Where is my DH? What should I do?

302 replies

sooooworried · 14/10/2011 18:25

Don't really know what I will gain by posting this - hopefully some good advice.

I am 6 months pg, DH has a drug problem which surfaced a few years ago and is in recovery. Going to Narcotics Anon and seeing a counsellor. Apart from that he is perfect in every way and I love him deeply. Since finding out about his problem (which he kept hidden from me) I have been 100% behind support him to stop. He has tried hard. In 2.5 years this problem has been known to me he has relapsed a handful of times, nothing for 9 months, then 3 times in the last 6.

We both work full time and call and text each other lots all day every day just to keep in touch.

Today was a normal day - he got up with alarm, got ready for work and left after making us both breakfast which we sat down to together. He said he had a busy day ahead (not unusual). He left for work at 8am and I worked at home today. I was also busy and around 2:30pm called him - normally we would have been in touch a lot prior to that but I hadn't contacted him and he hadn't contacted me. Occasionally when we are that busy that will happen. His phone went straight to vmail, I left him one. I phoned him again an hour later, then phoned his work phone (mobile) straight after, nothing. He texted at 15:38pm "Love you darling. Wll call later. Busy day. xx" I have phoned and texted lots since then - my texts getting more and more frantic and nothing. He should be in NA right now - I assume he isn't there and is on a binge somewhere. He would phone on his way there - and would know that if he hadn't spoken to me all day to call.

His pattern isn't to binge away from home but at home on his own. He hasn't done this before. I am soo worred about what is happening to him. If he was at NA he would call the second it finished (7:30pm) and then text me all the way home. I am praying he will call at 7:30pm with a "Sorry baby, really busy day didn't get a minute phone was playing up, just out of NA, see you in half an hour, love you" but I know this is stupidly naive. Where is he? Why is he doing this? What can I do to find him?

OP posts:

buzzskeleton · 14/10/2011 22:01

I really think you should get some professional counselling/support designed for the partners of addicts. Your love alone can not turn him around, you need to have the best advice on how to tackle this.

MmeLindor. · 14/10/2011 22:01

Do you have anyone in RL who you can talk to. Who could sit down with you both and talk to him?

I don't think you can fix him, as much as you want to.

madonnawhore · 14/10/2011 22:02

He has to want to recover though. If he's not there yet then there is absolutely nothing you can do. All the support in the world won't make any difference if he's not ready to give all that shit up for good.

In the meantime it's a very good thing that you've drawn your own line in the sand with regards to baby. Make sure you stick to it. If he has another bender once baby's here then go and don't look back. Honestly, I know more about addiction than I had ever cared to know. Take it from me, only worry about yourself. Don't try to change him, it will destroy you.

Best of luck OP.

smackapacca · 14/10/2011 22:04

Do you know why? What set him off? Did something happen today? Is his job at risk?

I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's shit.

Casmama · 14/10/2011 22:05

I'm glad he is on his way home and sorry that your suspicions have been proved correct. I think you are well within your rights to say that you cannot bring yourself to speak to him tonight and need to think about how you want to go forward. Take your time and think things through. You don't have to have a big blow up with him and for it to be all forgotten about within a few hours - this has happened in the past and didn't make any difference.
You cannot change his behaviour, only your own.
I hope he is home soon and that you continue to use MN and people in rl for support because the one person who should be supporting you is doing the complete opposite.

PattyPenguin · 14/10/2011 22:05

Oh, you must be so worried.

But look at the first two lines of that last paragraph.

".. I need and want him to recover and put this behind us. That does happen doesn't it? People do stop if they want to and have all the support to get there."

Yes, people sometimes do stop if they want to. But does he want to? Or is it just you wants him to?

I think contacting Al Anon, as suggested up-thread, would help you see the situation more clearly and give you support from people who understand.

Original poster

sooooworried · 14/10/2011 22:06

Thanks everyone for the support - been especially great to hear from those who know what I am experiencing. I do go to a counsellor who specialises in those who are living with someone with addiction. I have only seen her twice as quite new but one thing is that they don't really advise or tell you what to do. They focus on me - not about me helping him stop - which is kind of what I want. I don't know what is right or wrong. What is mothering vs stopping enabling. I will go further on the restricted money now for sure.

OP posts:

WheresTheCat · 14/10/2011 22:09

When he gets home he wil be in no fit state to discuss any of this, so the conversation will have to wait.
Yes. people can change, but only if they want to
Would it be worth writing down how you are feeling so that he can read it tomorrow.

solidgoldbrass · 14/10/2011 22:10

You've got to focus on you and the baby rather than dedicating all your energy towards helping this knobend indulge himself. This man clearly expects to be the centre of your universe, so when the baby comes things are going to get even worse - if he isn't taking coke then he will threaten to take it any time he doesn't get his own way.

Fifis25StottieCakes · 14/10/2011 22:10

You cant stop him, only he can. You have to decide what you want and stick to it.

He will probably only change when he hits rock bottom and realises only he can change his behaviour to make the situation right.

No matter how much you try and make him change you cant change him. Only he can do that.

You will just end up making yourself miserable and IMO the only thing you can do is lay the law down and stick to it. Whatever you say make sure you do it and dont waiver. Dont listen to his sob stories and dont let him blame you.

Non of this is your fault, its his. He is causing this and he can sop it. You cant make him.

Take carex

Original poster

sooooworried · 14/10/2011 22:11

My RL friend is coming round next week when she is back from hols. My brother knows but with me being pg I am really reluctant to tell him about this episode.

I don't know what triggered today. everything totally normal this morning. I think I might go to bed so I am in it when he arrives home and I don't have to speak to him. Having an apple as haven't eaten since lunch.

OP posts:

incognitwooohooo · 14/10/2011 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

seriouschanger · 14/10/2011 22:14

No addict has a problem with it as long as it is on supply when needed...you can't give people second chances as it becomes 3rd then 4th...

The best chance is to move from the area re drug dealers/circle of friends who use etc or find another addiction/hobby helps...

not even having a child will stop it.

Social Services if not now may say he stops or he goes or we take dc into care....if at risk in future?

You need to sit down with dh, discuss it and decide where you go from here. If me I would go elsewhere for few days to let him think about what he could lose!

BellaDonnaSansMerci · 14/10/2011 22:15

Take care of yourself and your baby. Please listen to the advice on this thread... Really feel for you.

EricNorthmansMistress · 14/10/2011 22:16

You cannot help/make him stop. Restricting money is a false hope. As soon as he gets 'let off the leash' he will blowout because that's the dynamic it sets up.

I have no great advice for you as you're in a really shit place :( but I can tell you that mothering and enabling him as you are doing now will cushion him from the effects of his drug use, and thereby prevent him from stopping.

Honestly, in your situation, I would consider asking him to leave. TBH (and my relationship has had issues due to H's selfishness and compulsions, not the same as you but same ball park) the only thing that caused him to consider change was us splitting up and me meaning it. Even then, he addressed his behaviour because he was taking stock of his life in the wake of us splitting up, and examining where he went wrong - not as a sop to me to get me back, because that would not work.

buzzskeleton · 14/10/2011 22:17

Please eat something more than an apple. I know it's hard to eat when you're upset, but you need to do it.

madonnawhore · 14/10/2011 22:21

OP I know what you mean about counselling not telling you how to help him. I used to get so frustrated with the Al-Anon meetings because everyone was just talking about how they were feeling and I was like 'why aren't we talking about what we can do?!!'.

But the thing that I now realise is that there's nothing you can do. That's kind of the point of things like Al-Anon - to help you deal with the powerlessness.

And that's what makes people stay with addicts for so long. Because in your head you're thinking 'if only I love them enough...', 'if only I support them enough then I can fix it and help them get better...'.

But you really, really need to understand that nothing you do or say will make a single bit of difference as to whether he decides to get off the coke for good or not. You need to understand that and come to terms with it. There is no answer. I know that's very hard to accept. It took me years and years. But that is the way it is. And it's very important that you don't spend any more energy trying to 'help'.

In fact the longer you stay and try to keep everything together, the more you are enabling him. That's difficult to realise too. Because it's counterintuitive. You're doing it because you want to help him get off drugs, but in fact your staying only enables him to do more drugs. And you put yourself right in the firing line for more hurt and disappointment.

The only proactive thing you can do is protect yourself and your child. Perhaps you're not ready to leave yet. But you do need to be prepared to take that step if he doesn't show any serious signs of wanting to stop. I get the impression that as long as he knows you'll always be there, he'll keep on doing this.

CoteDAzur · 14/10/2011 22:22

I don't think he is addicted. He is partying when he feels like it, probably because he knows you won't kick him up when pregnant and vulnerable

Wait for him to come home and sober up. Then sit him down and calmly tell him that you cannot allow your innocent little baby to be born into a home with an unpredictable and untrustworthy cocaine user for a father. That this is the one and only warning he is getting. That he will lose his family if this happens even one more time. That you will divorce him so quickly that his head will spin.

Then hope for the best but expect the worst. Contact a lawyer and learn your rights. Open a separate bank account for yourself and start saving into it. Keep your fingers crossed that you will never need any of the above but feel safe in the knowledge that if you do, it won't be the end of the world because you will be prepared.

mathanxiety · 14/10/2011 22:22

Once again, SGB is right imo.

Soooo, you can't fix this man. He didn't value you or the relationship enough to tell you abut the coke thing before you married or stop even now that you're pregnant, let alone when he realised how much it tore you up that he had gone into debt and deceived you. Love/tears/threats/baby, and 'for better or for worse' will not be enough in the future just as they have not been enough in the past.

He is the only one who can fix him and he has to want to and commit to it every day of his life, himself. He does not want to do that right now.

Sometimes helping someone involves stepping right back, and letting him sink or swim all by himself for as long as it takes, as Rapunzelsoldaunt said.

CoteDAzur · 14/10/2011 22:25

" People do stop if they want to and have all the support to get there"

Very rarely. More often, people stop when they reach rock bottom - i.e. when they lose everything.

If not everything, he needs to believe that he will lose you and his unborn baby. Otherwise he will just keep stringing this along. Because it's fun and he deserves a bit of fun from time to time, doesn't he?

mathanxiety · 14/10/2011 22:25

There is nothing as malignant or as likely to ruin your life as the illusion that you somehow have a degree of control in this.

twankie · 14/10/2011 22:31

Cote D=Azur speaks much sense..even if things aare okay tonite..it'd sll too unpredictable..please look after yourself and unborn baby.. it may not be you need to money in the separate bank a/c but worth doing anyway

Original poster

sooooworried · 14/10/2011 22:36

Not home yet. Phone off again. Bastard.

OP posts:

akaemwahahahafrost · 14/10/2011 22:39

I don't think he will be coming back any time soon, if he is on a coke binge he won't be back till it's all gone and he has run out of money to buy anymore.

My ex was/is a drinker and worrying, trying to prevent him from drinking and lying awake all night worrying about where he was really took it's toll on my pregnancy and pretty much coloured my dc's early years. After my first child was born I tipped into PND and cannot actually remember much of the first 7 months of his life .

Knowing what I know now I should have left him then in the early stages, the mental torture and anguish I went through tipped me into a nervous break down that it took two years to recover from, still not all the way there yet, all I could think when going through it was "I should have left him sooner".

You have to disengage for you and your babys sake. It is the only thing that might work, ie a massive shock and real indication to him of what he stands to lose. I hope you have eaten now and are sleeping.

WheresTheCat · 14/10/2011 22:39

Unfortunately while he is in this state he will say what he thinks you want to hear to avoid confrontation, so he may not be home for a long while.
Have you had something to eat - or drink - milk/biscuits etc - remember your Little 'Un will be hungry.

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