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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Where is my DH? What should I do?

302 replies

sooooworried · 14/10/2011 18:25

Don't really know what I will gain by posting this - hopefully some good advice.

I am 6 months pg, DH has a drug problem which surfaced a few years ago and is in recovery. Going to Narcotics Anon and seeing a counsellor. Apart from that he is perfect in every way and I love him deeply. Since finding out about his problem (which he kept hidden from me) I have been 100% behind support him to stop. He has tried hard. In 2.5 years this problem has been known to me he has relapsed a handful of times, nothing for 9 months, then 3 times in the last 6.

We both work full time and call and text each other lots all day every day just to keep in touch.

Today was a normal day - he got up with alarm, got ready for work and left after making us both breakfast which we sat down to together. He said he had a busy day ahead (not unusual). He left for work at 8am and I worked at home today. I was also busy and around 2:30pm called him - normally we would have been in touch a lot prior to that but I hadn't contacted him and he hadn't contacted me. Occasionally when we are that busy that will happen. His phone went straight to vmail, I left him one. I phoned him again an hour later, then phoned his work phone (mobile) straight after, nothing. He texted at 15:38pm "Love you darling. Wll call later. Busy day. xx" I have phoned and texted lots since then - my texts getting more and more frantic and nothing. He should be in NA right now - I assume he isn't there and is on a binge somewhere. He would phone on his way there - and would know that if he hadn't spoken to me all day to call.

His pattern isn't to binge away from home but at home on his own. He hasn't done this before. I am soo worred about what is happening to him. If he was at NA he would call the second it finished (7:30pm) and then text me all the way home. I am praying he will call at 7:30pm with a "Sorry baby, really busy day didn't get a minute phone was playing up, just out of NA, see you in half an hour, love you" but I know this is stupidly naive. Where is he? Why is he doing this? What can I do to find him?

OP posts:

WheresTheCat · 14/10/2011 20:06

Anything yet?
I totally understand how you're feeling. My DH was recovering from a cocaine addiction when we met, and although he was doing well, there were several times when he fell off the wagon, particularly when I was pregnant.

He would 'pop out' to get something, and then not return, I would phone/text - nothing. Sometimes it would be for a few hours, more often than not a whole night.

The worry was awful. Right now I'm not going to go into how we got through it (although am quite happy to share my experiences if you want me to) because I think at the moment you probably need to keep talking to us and not going through this alone.

Don't phone him anymore, if he has had a slip up he won't look at messages anyway. Put the radio/tv on to take your mind off it - have you got friends/family who can come over. If not, keep talking to us x

pink4ever · 14/10/2011 20:10

Why are you having a baby with someone who you know is a drug addict? You are an adult,you choose to remain in this situation but you are denying your child any choice in being born into this mess.

Leave him-maybe it will make him face up to his addiction and really address it.Maybe it wont but you and your child will be better without him in that case.

Fifis25StottieCakes · 14/10/2011 20:15

Pink - its not as easy as that though, they make promises, they lie, they take away your self respect. I do agree she should leave him though as if your putting up with it op it will only get worse

Original poster

sooooworried · 14/10/2011 20:18

Nothing yet. Am in a blanket and watching Corrie on Sky+. Will watch the soap marathon anad then go to bed I think. I am calmer now. Will check back later but on top of the emotion and stress of the situation I don't feel strong enough to deal with anyone telling me what an idiot I am or what I am putting baby through.

Spoken to my RL friend who knows about all this and she has helped me a little - although is in Spain or would be round here in a flash to sit with me.

OP posts:

pink4ever · 14/10/2011 20:19

fifi-op said they have been "trying for a baby for ages". Sorry but I think that is incredibly selfish of the pair of them. They should have sorted his addiction before even thinking of starting a family.
Op is deluding herself when she says he is off drugs-he obviously doesnt want to stop so she has to think as selfishly as he is and put herself and her baby first.

madonnawhore · 14/10/2011 20:22

Pink I'm guessing you don't have any experience of loving an addict otherwise you wouldn't be seeing things as black and white.

OP, you're not an idiot - he is. But you do need to think very, very seriously about what you're going to do if he has fallen off the wagon again. When the baby's here and all your attention is focused on him/her, it'll be a whole lot harder to keep tabs on him and deal with his disappearing acts.

WheresTheCat · 14/10/2011 20:22

I suggest that a conversation about the morals/whys and wherefores of the situation doesn't take place here.
The OP needs support right now, so if you're here to moralise start another thread.

smackapacca · 14/10/2011 20:23

They should have sorted his addiction before even thinking of starting a family.

I think OP believed they had sorted it. That's how I read it anyway.

pink4ever · 14/10/2011 20:27

Good luck op. I think you will need it. I wish you and your baby all the best. Sorry you were unable to deal with some harsh truths.

CurrySpice · 14/10/2011 20:36

OP can I just say how much I feel for you and I hope this all turns out OK for you. I certainly wouldn't tell you that you've been an idiot. You poor woman :( I know hugs aren't the done thing but ((sooooworried))) it sounds like you could do with one :(

buzzskeleton · 14/10/2011 20:37

Telling someone they shouldn't be pregnant when they're worried sick, is not a harsh truth, it's just nasty. Advice about when is a good time to try for a baby is only useful before conception.

swallowedAfly · 14/10/2011 20:38

do fuck off pink. in what world could you possibly think you were being constructive or helpful on any level whatsoever?

Fifis25StottieCakes · 14/10/2011 20:39

Im sorry if i sounded harsh, people used to be harsh with me and it made no difference. Op will know when she wants out or if shes lucky OH will eventually sort himself out.

Most of the time you do think things are sorted out then everything comes crashing down.

Its not your fault, its his. Just do what you thinks best for you and your dc.

pink4ever · 14/10/2011 20:41

swallowed-I am being constructive by telling op she has to stop wasting her time on this man and pherself and her baby first. I think thats rather more constructive than just going there,there it will be ok when clearly it wont be unless op does something about it.

CurrySpice · 14/10/2011 20:43

Yeah yea pink because that's just what she needs right now this minute while she's already out of her mind with worry

MmeLindor. · 14/10/2011 20:43

Pink
a little bit of empathy is a good thing. Perhaps you should take a step back and be thankful that you have never been in the position that the OP is in. Telling her "harsh truths" when she is worried sick about her DH is not helping her.

Sooooworried
Hope he comes home soon and you can discuss how to move on from this.

rapunzelsoldaunt · 14/10/2011 20:45

Hi there, i.just wanted to say that i know exactly how you must be feeling try to keep calm, breathe, visualise your baby safe in your tummy.focus on you and baby. Take the focus off your man. My dh was a cokehead for years, and i thoght the birth of dd1 would make him get his act together, it didnt. However we both got a lot of help from famanon who support families of addicts, it boiled down to co dependency. Youve got to try to stop playing a part in his 'drama' try not to repeat the cycle, screaming,threats, ultimatums, support... You have to almost step outside the relationship, view his behaviour as entirely his responsibility. I did take full controll of our finances in the end so he couldnt go on big binges. He had stacked up £20,000 of debt.we're still paying it off. He has had lots of therapy and we also moved to th middle of nowhere to get away from the culture. I hope he has just lost his phon, unlikely, but heres hoping. You cant keep proping him up. X

pink4ever · 14/10/2011 20:48

Will bow out of this thread now. Op I really hope you all live happily ever after. Really. All the best.

rapunzelsoldaunt · 14/10/2011 20:51

Also sending you a big hug, i know how desperatly lonely it i loving an addict. You cant exactly tell people in rl whats going on. Good luck and Chin up girl you'll get through this x

frutilla · 14/10/2011 21:09

It does annoy me when I see people posting who are obviously trying to egg on the OP to a big confrontation in their marriage etc...when no one really knows what's going on or anything about the couple! Sometimes I think this site is full of man-haters...
Really hope there is an explanation for the lack of communication, think it would be best to keep calm for now and take things step by step.

Original poster

sooooworried · 14/10/2011 21:48

Tried to post 3 times but MINUTE keeps chucking me back to login screen and I have lost my post.

OP posts:

Original poster

sooooworried · 14/10/2011 21:49

Mumsnet, clearly not minute

OP posts:

Original poster

sooooworried · 14/10/2011 21:56

Short version of what I lost

He has called. He has done coke. He is coming home and said he is so sorry and he would be an hour half an hour ago. Know no more than that.

Just want him home. For us both to sleep and to have it out in the morning.

Problem is I love him. I married him (before I knew abt the coke) and I need and want him to recover and put this behind us. That does happen doesn't it? People do stop if they want to and have all the support to get there. That is what I am trying to do. For better for worse. I won't go on doing this, when the baby comes that is the line - any blip after that and he is out this door. I will not have my baby near that shit or anyone associated with it. I have said this to DH in the past and he agrees. When he is sober he is very anti drugs and very straight and moral - I know that sounds mad but it is true.

OP posts:

swallowedAfly · 14/10/2011 21:58

no news then soo?

Original poster

sooooworried · 14/10/2011 21:59

I feel very weak and not up for a confrontation. But I know I can't let him get away with thisM he has put me throguh hell again. He has spent money we need for the baby and for a pile of other things.

OP posts:

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