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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Where is my DH? What should I do?

302 replies

sooooworried · 14/10/2011 18:25

Don't really know what I will gain by posting this - hopefully some good advice.

I am 6 months pg, DH has a drug problem which surfaced a few years ago and is in recovery. Going to Narcotics Anon and seeing a counsellor. Apart from that he is perfect in every way and I love him deeply. Since finding out about his problem (which he kept hidden from me) I have been 100% behind support him to stop. He has tried hard. In 2.5 years this problem has been known to me he has relapsed a handful of times, nothing for 9 months, then 3 times in the last 6.

We both work full time and call and text each other lots all day every day just to keep in touch.

Today was a normal day - he got up with alarm, got ready for work and left after making us both breakfast which we sat down to together. He said he had a busy day ahead (not unusual). He left for work at 8am and I worked at home today. I was also busy and around 2:30pm called him - normally we would have been in touch a lot prior to that but I hadn't contacted him and he hadn't contacted me. Occasionally when we are that busy that will happen. His phone went straight to vmail, I left him one. I phoned him again an hour later, then phoned his work phone (mobile) straight after, nothing. He texted at 15:38pm "Love you darling. Wll call later. Busy day. xx" I have phoned and texted lots since then - my texts getting more and more frantic and nothing. He should be in NA right now - I assume he isn't there and is on a binge somewhere. He would phone on his way there - and would know that if he hadn't spoken to me all day to call.

His pattern isn't to binge away from home but at home on his own. He hasn't done this before. I am soo worred about what is happening to him. If he was at NA he would call the second it finished (7:30pm) and then text me all the way home. I am praying he will call at 7:30pm with a "Sorry baby, really busy day didn't get a minute phone was playing up, just out of NA, see you in half an hour, love you" but I know this is stupidly naive. Where is he? Why is he doing this? What can I do to find him?

OP posts:
akaemwahahahafrost · 14/10/2011 22:40

Cross posted Sad.

Please try to sleep and accept he will not be back any time soon.

CoteDAzur · 14/10/2011 22:40

Go to bed, OP. He won't come tonight. Sleep well for your baby and wake up refreshed for your big conversation with your husband.

LoopyLoopsPussInBoots · 14/10/2011 22:41

As the child of drug addicts I beg you to sort this out now. I know it's hard, but your baby didn't choose this. :(

LoopyLoopsPussInBoots · 14/10/2011 22:42

Sorry, that's not what you need to hear now.

Have some beans on toast then go to bed. Take care. xx :)

izzywhizzysfritenite · 14/10/2011 22:42

I'm with CoteDAzur on this.

Your dh is not an addict; he is a recreational user of cocaine and he enjoys snorting and/or smoking it.

The only way that may bring him to his senses is to adopt a policy of tough love.

Personally, given the number of promises he's already broken, I'd have told him not to bother to come home tonight.

However, given the stress he's caused you this evening, I suggest you get some sleep and wait until tomorrow to act on Cote's advice to tell him that this is the one and only warning he is getting. That he will lose his family if this happens even one more time. That you will divorce him so quickly that his head will spin - and MEAN IT.

mummylikescava · 14/10/2011 22:52

I really feel for you soooworried. I used to use a LOT of coke. I didn't think it was physically addictive though? Just mentally? Maye wrong though...

I stopped as I wanted to have a baby and realised that pregnancy and cocaine don't mix. It's different for him though isn't it as it's not him that's pregnant?

I seem to know a fair few people who use coke quite a lot (I don't anymore by the way - can't afford it!). This includes parents from my 11 year olds school who I see coming out of toilets at parties with white stuff all over their nose. I don't even live in a rough area - these people are all pretty well off and well educated.

He will only stop when he wants to do. What about the circles he moves in? If all his close friends are doing it as well it's always going to be a temptation whilst he's friends with them. He might grow out of it though. Most of the friends I used to do coke with no longer take it. We're all late 30's - early 40's though...

Fifis25StottieCakes · 14/10/2011 22:57

What aka and loopy have said is so true.

My relationship with my dd's father has left its mark on my eldest DD. I got out in time for the other 2. I was with him for 13 years and for 10 of them he was an addict.

I left a house with a mortgage and my job to move into emergency housing. I got rehoused 3 years ago. The first year was a hard slog but it was the best thing i ever done. I didnt go back even though he begged me. I realised enough was enough. For my dd's and my sanity i had to go. I just walked out with nothing.

He pulled himself together a year after i left. We get a long fine and he has a good relationship with the kids. I would never go back.

Looking back i kick myself for not having the strength to go sooner. I had 10 years of misery and heartache. They are 10 years i can never get back.

I dont know why i stayed but he knew how to get round me. He manipulated me and i lost all my self respect. Things would be ok then boom he was off again.

I cant tell you to leave and its not right for me to tell you to leave. All i can do is tell you what happened as can the others on this thread who have had a similar experience.

Please try and look after yourself and eat for your baby.

confidence · 14/10/2011 23:26

As others have said, if he's used coke three times in the last six months he's not an addict. Not in any physical sense, anyway. This is an issue of lifestyle. I also agree with earlier comments that by far the most important thing if he wants to stop, is to stop socialising with people who do it. Even to the point of cutting ties with good friends if necessary.

I've known people who have lived very drug-centric lifestyles and then just stopped and moved on, just because they got bored of it or whatever. It always involved a change in social circle and routine though.

And just to challenge some assumptions and think outside the box - would it necessarily matter if he does coke a few times a year? Like mummylikescava, I've known plenty of parents who do the odd line now and then. Some of them highly functional, high-earning working people who dearly love and actively support their kids. At the end of the day it's just a drug, like alcohol or cigarettes.

However I can see that the money is an issue. And as long as there's the active link into the social scene and expectations, there is the possibility of going back to stupid volumes and running up uncontrollable debt.

Fifis25StottieCakes · 14/10/2011 23:31

Hes used coke 3 times that she knows of, thats not to say hes not doing it on the sly.

Beckamaw · 14/10/2011 23:33

This is shit, will make you feel shit, but please try to digest this: at the moment the drugs are his priority.
You need to stop making threats. Stop 'snuggling up with him'. You are facilitating this behaviour. What incentive does he have to stop?

If he arrives home to a locked door (keys on the inside), a switched off phone when he calls, no forgiving wife ready to welcome him: then he gas to think about options.
By all means throw him out with a view to trying again later on ( weeks, not hours), but stop rewarding his behaviour!

You need a supportive, reliable man with a new baby. Please, do what is necessary to see if he can be one.

CoteDAzur · 14/10/2011 23:34

A true addict would need time to indulge - many white nights. Surely, OP would have noticed that.

CoteDAzur · 14/10/2011 23:36

I would advise against a pregnant woman locking out a coked-up man. He can get very aggressive very quickly.

Best would be to go to sleep now, ride out the night without engaging no matter which state he comes home in, and have the conversation tomorrow when he has sobered up.

northcountrygirl · 14/10/2011 23:53

To be honest I was thinking what confidence said but didn't have the guts to say it.

It personally wouldn't bother me if my husband took coke every couple of months. My exDH used to do this and it honestly wasn't a problem. It was only about once every 6 weeks though and we could afford it.

akaemwahahahafrost · 14/10/2011 23:55

I don't think he is an "addict" either, but I do think he is prioritising coke over his pregnant wife and won't stop any time soon. It depends if the op can live with it and accept that he is going to do it every now and then. Also ime people who do coke regularly and enjoy it tend to increase usage not decrease. If he wanted to stop, surely he would stop now when he has a child coming and money is tight. Not an addict but a selfish fucking prick, which is about the same thing in my book.

mathanxiety · 15/10/2011 00:01

I am very much in favour of greeting him with a dark and silent house and a door firmly locked.

fannybaws · 15/10/2011 00:02

sooooworried I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight.
I can tell from how you post that you are very much in love with your DH,
if you really love him, tell him to go tomorrow, tell him you need to rethink your options.
Then keep him out for as long as you can manage, make him realise what life without you is really like.
Ask him if he wants to be a Saturday dad.
You mentioned earlier on the thread that you would not tolerate this when your baby is here. Your baby is already here, and stopping this behaviour now will be much easier than stopping it with a newborn when you are so fragile emotionally and sleep deprived.
I really feel for you tonight.

mathanxiety · 15/10/2011 00:03

Letting him in means he can break promises with impunity.

I can't see him caring about any lecture you could give him tomorrow after he has slept it off in his own comfortable bed and dressed in clothes you have presumably washed and ironed and put away for him, eaten breakfast you have shopped for...

akaemwahahahafrost · 15/10/2011 00:03

Agree and in addition, no answering the phone or communicating for a while. A sharp shock to focus his mind is needed. I wish I had done more of this when with ex.

CoteDAzur · 15/10/2011 00:06

math - Don't push OP into confronting her DH tonight. Do you know how aggressive people get on coke? It is not safe for her to confront him upon his return.

tigercametotea · 15/10/2011 00:08

He doesn't sound like an addict to me but it does sound like he's not ready to go off it completely, is not really on board with the idea that he has to stop now because if he doesn't you and baby's life will be in jeopardy. If OP wants to keep the man, you either have to accept him for who he is, or walk out. He will stop only when he wants to, addict or not. He may stop in the future, nobody but him will decide when that is. Its no point giving him ultimatums. Do you think its worth staying with the man despite not being in agreement with his lifestyle? Its not up to me to say if it is - you have to make that decision.

FabbyChic · 15/10/2011 00:08

YOu will grow to hate him. Especially when your child is born and he continues being a selfish cunt.

shakti · 15/10/2011 00:09

Nothing to say, just want to send a hug

Maryz · 15/10/2011 00:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzywhizzysfritenite · 15/10/2011 00:21

In 2.5 years this problem has been known to me he has relapsed a handful of times, nothing for 9 months, then 3 times in the last 6

As tonight has now increased his score (no pun intended) to 4 times in the last 6 months, it would seem significant that he's upped the use of his recreational drug of choice since you became pregnant.

You've said that he tends to get loaded at home; is the first time he's avoided your texts/calls and failed to come home at the expected time in order that he can indulge his penchant for cocaine?

tigercametotea · 15/10/2011 00:45

He might be stressed as well with the pregnancy and impending fatherhood and using the drug is his way of coping with life and its difficulties. Its not the most ideal way, yes why couldn't he try doing yoga or relaxation or meditation instead? But if he doesn't want to, isn't inclined to, then not much you can do. Put up with it, or leave him and start anew. The more you reject his usage of the drug, the more he's going to do it in your absence and the lesser he'll share with you with regards to that aspect of his life. Was he already doing it when you first got together? Do you love him and accept everything he does unconditionally? It is hard, I know... but part of the reason why I think its not really a good argument to put forth to him saying that "if he loves you he will quit". The fact that he's seeked counselling for this though is a good sign that at least he is trying and recognises the problem it is causing. But he might not have the will or the motivation to quit right now.

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