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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Where is my DH? What should I do?

302 replies

sooooworried · 14/10/2011 18:25

Don't really know what I will gain by posting this - hopefully some good advice.

I am 6 months pg, DH has a drug problem which surfaced a few years ago and is in recovery. Going to Narcotics Anon and seeing a counsellor. Apart from that he is perfect in every way and I love him deeply. Since finding out about his problem (which he kept hidden from me) I have been 100% behind support him to stop. He has tried hard. In 2.5 years this problem has been known to me he has relapsed a handful of times, nothing for 9 months, then 3 times in the last 6.

We both work full time and call and text each other lots all day every day just to keep in touch.

Today was a normal day - he got up with alarm, got ready for work and left after making us both breakfast which we sat down to together. He said he had a busy day ahead (not unusual). He left for work at 8am and I worked at home today. I was also busy and around 2:30pm called him - normally we would have been in touch a lot prior to that but I hadn't contacted him and he hadn't contacted me. Occasionally when we are that busy that will happen. His phone went straight to vmail, I left him one. I phoned him again an hour later, then phoned his work phone (mobile) straight after, nothing. He texted at 15:38pm "Love you darling. Wll call later. Busy day. xx" I have phoned and texted lots since then - my texts getting more and more frantic and nothing. He should be in NA right now - I assume he isn't there and is on a binge somewhere. He would phone on his way there - and would know that if he hadn't spoken to me all day to call.

His pattern isn't to binge away from home but at home on his own. He hasn't done this before. I am soo worred about what is happening to him. If he was at NA he would call the second it finished (7:30pm) and then text me all the way home. I am praying he will call at 7:30pm with a "Sorry baby, really busy day didn't get a minute phone was playing up, just out of NA, see you in half an hour, love you" but I know this is stupidly naive. Where is he? Why is he doing this? What can I do to find him?

OP posts:
buzzskeleton · 15/10/2011 00:52

Yes becoming a parent is a stressful time. But it's not acceptable to run round taking drugs, spending ill-afforded money and worrying the person you're supposed to love sick.

Love for a partner isn't unconditional. Love is supposed to be reciprocal, mutual, putting the needs and happiness of the other person on at least an equal footing as your own. It's not about accepting all the shit that person can throw at you.

frutilla · 15/10/2011 00:57

Really sorry to hear about the binge. Agree with all posters, you need to put yourself and the baby first...I think you need to identify who are the people that he takes drugs with and then discuss with him the fact that he needs to steer clear of them. Of course if they are work colleagues, that's pretty difficult, but if he puts himself in environments where it's being used and possibly offered , it's hard for him to turn down right now.

tigercametotea · 15/10/2011 01:24

Part of me thinks he may just not be ready to be a father.

Original poster
sooooworried · 15/10/2011 01:37

Still awake and he still isn't home.

There is no social circle and no scene. He does this on his own, he locks himself away and shuts everyone out - of course including me. He will be in a hotel room, he won't have been near a bar or club. Peer pressure isn't an issue here atall.

He has sent a few texts saying he is sobering up and wants to come home when he is in a better state. I have told him if he does one thing for me tonight is to come home now - he has ignored that.

Believe me when I say this isn't a lifestyle choice, this is a serious problem. Every use is big, has loads of consequences - days off work, huge stress at home - tears and pain from both of us. Remorse and regret and usually resolve to do more to stop - joining NA, stopping drinking, going back to counnselling, stepping up the counselling. This isn't the sort of drug use that is occasional with friends at dinner parties.

OP posts:
MartyrStewart · 15/10/2011 01:41

You need to work out what you want from life, and then decide if he fits in with those plans.

Sad So sorry, it sounds like such a difficult situation.

onwardandupwards · 15/10/2011 01:42

cant imagine how u are feeling but i am up if u want to keep messaging. do u have any idea where he might be? any regular places he goes?

Original poster
sooooworried · 15/10/2011 01:44

I do love him, but not unconditionally. I will not be taken for a mug. I have been protecting himn but he is out of chances.

Incidently he does the washing of clothes and shopping for food etc, he looks after us so well when he is not doing this.

OP posts:
Original poster
sooooworried · 15/10/2011 01:49

No idea where he would be. This is a new one. In the past he would binge at home when I was away on occasional work trips, prior to that (and me knowing) it was in hotels when he was on work trips (often made up ones) or at home when he would tell me he was ill and wouldn't go to work.

OP posts:
onwardandupwards · 15/10/2011 01:50

u need to think of yourself, this cannot be good for you at all. put yourself first and think about ur needs before his.

Original poster
sooooworried · 15/10/2011 01:51

He has never just left for work on a normal day before but instead of going to work, gone somewhere and binged on cocaine. This is a new low for me.

OP posts:
northcountrygirl · 15/10/2011 01:52

I'm sorry - I realise my comments were probably really flippant given the actual situation. I really don't know what to suggest as that it not how I was when I took coke - it was very social for me.

I have no idea what you should do other than what you are doing with the counselling. He needs to come home though. x

Original poster
sooooworried · 15/10/2011 01:53

I don't know what I need other than a drug free husband and a stable and happy home to bring my baby into.

OP posts:
northcountrygirl · 15/10/2011 01:55

I'd drag him home if it was me. Not saying that's the right thing to do to, but that's what I'd feel like doing anyway.

It sounds so fucking crap. Especially with you being pregnant. Really sorry this is happening to you...

tigercametotea · 15/10/2011 01:55

I wasn't meaning the conditional love to be a criticism, only to try to highlight the fact that if you have conditions in a relationship, then there's the possibility they won't be fulfilled, and then unhappiness results. OP, I do agree with you that drug use will affect all areas of life in ways no matter how subtle. If it results in jeopardising one's job or reckless spending when money's tight, then it is indeed serious. He does this on his own, says to me that he really is dependent on it for coping. Do you feel he is unhappy with life in some way, and he needs these sessions by himself to help him cope? Seems like he isn't really getting much comfort out of your companionship either... He really needs to continue with the counselling, etc. to work through his issues. See he might feel that if you really loved him you wouldn't force him to change (even if the change might do more good for all concerned). That was why I mentioned the unconditional love thing. I'm just thinking that could go both ways. You could also think, if he loved you he would do such and such for you.

Its really up to you what you wish to do. Just that it won't be a happy relationship if you want so badly for him to change and he doesn't seem really determined to do just that. And would it be worth exposing your unborn child to all this conflict when the baby is born...? I know you still feel very attached to him emotionally at the moment, and love isn't rational... but the rational decision is either to make huge compromises or leave. I really hope it all goes well for you whichever you choose . It will be a hard night for you. I hope you manage to get some rest.

MartyrStewart · 15/10/2011 01:56

OK, the first is not your problem to fix. The second is entirely possible for you to achieve on your own.

northcountrygirl · 15/10/2011 01:57

You may not get what you need with him. I know it's a harsh thought but he might not be capable of being the man you need him to be

ScaredyDog · 15/10/2011 01:58

Agree with Northcountrygirl in wanting to drag him home - but impossible if you don't know where he is :(

I'd be bloody tempted to threaten him with ringing the police and reporting him as missing - I know you technically couldn't as he's in contact, however, I'd be fucking tempted even if it shook him out of this and made him get a cab home to you so at least you'd know he was safe.

Can't believe he's doing this to you and your baby. Bastard. You really don't deserve this.

northcountrygirl · 15/10/2011 01:59

Bloody hell tiger - that's really insightful.

What tiger said!

zippy539 · 15/10/2011 02:02

The question isn't whether or not he is an addict or whether or not you can make him stop using. (Cos you can't). The question is whether or not you can cope with him using.

If you can cope with it then you take your chances and you decide you love him enough to deal with the occasional 'lapse' and the unexpected black hole in your bank account then so be it - you know what you're in for. If you can't cope with it then you have to get out or you'll be freaking out for the rest of your life together. It's not about HIM - it's about YOU - what you are prepared to tolerate, what you need from your relationship.

Get in touch with Al- Anon (or similar) - you don't need to be dealing with this dilemma by yourself, you need to talk to folk in a similar situation. I really hope it works out for the two of you but if it doesn't then drawing on others experiences will give you the perspective you need to deal with your situation and the fall-out.

onwardandupwards · 15/10/2011 02:06

u should be enjoying your pregnancy and keeping stress levels down. do u really belive he will change?

tigercametotea · 15/10/2011 02:09

northcountrygirl, thanks. I was just trying to help OP is all. [hsmile] And yes do I have to admit I've had personal experience of dealing with addicts so can sort of sympathise.

northcountrygirl · 15/10/2011 02:12

SD - I'd be willing to be money that if OP called her DH he would tell her where he is. I think he would love to be saved from himself. Rightly or wrongly....

If it was my DH though I'd go get him. May well be the wrong thing to do (i don't know) but that's what i'd do.

ScaredyDog · 15/10/2011 02:15

I think I'd go and get him too - just to limit the stress of knowing where he is and that he's not doing any more blow.

onwardandupwards · 15/10/2011 02:16

surely there comes a time when u have to put yourself first? how much do give b4 enough is enough?

northcountrygirl · 15/10/2011 02:22

Well everyone's different and every relationship is different. Personally speaking my DH has built up a lot of "points" as he's been incredibly good throughout my (past) post natal depression, broken back, redundancy, bereavements etc etc. So if it was my DH I would support him as it would be the least I could do.

I guess you have to look at the relationship as a whole rather than just looking at a part of it.