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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need to talk about something that happened last night

158 replies

badnightlastnight · 11/09/2011 15:32

namechanger here. I just need some advice & this put in perspective.

Went to a wedding yesterday - my second eve out in a year (am an LP) - got chatting to a nice guy & one thing lead to another (don't judge me please / that's not what im asking about) - carried on with nice evening then before I was going to go went to say goodbye & he tried it on again. I said no, I suppose I got persuaded. Then after a min or 2 I said no repeatedly, explained I didn't want a nice evening spoilt, had to go etc. He ignored me. He was a big strong guy and kept going.

I'm confused. I obviously know it's wrong what he did - I'm wondering why I didn't shout out - I think I thought that it was a bit pointless and he'd just keep going so I resigned myself to it. Afterwards I was even nice to him - he walked me to my taxi etc.

I just need some perspective. I don't want to say it, because i know I got myself into the situation so it's my fault but that is sort of rape isn't it? I feel a bit weird about it today. I'm annoyed I didn't make a massive fuss. Annoyed I just let him do it.

I really don't know what to think. I just needed to talk about it. I suppose I'm not asking a question really. Just, well, was it my fault? Did I lead him on? Why was I nice after? Lots of things are going through my head and I feel really really confused.

OP posts:

deemented · 11/09/2011 15:35

It is absolutely NOT your fault.

You said no. He ignored you and carried on. He raped you.

I am so so sorry that this has happened to you.

But it is in no way your fault at all.

belizabus · 11/09/2011 15:37

I am by no means an expert, but reread your post OP; you were raped. This is not your fault. I think you should be thinking about where you go from here, perhaps to the police?

Imnotaslimjim · 11/09/2011 15:38

No, this is not your fault. No matter the precursor, NO means exactly that. You didn't fight or shout because you were in shock

Please report him. And as soon as possible. Have you bathed yet? If not, don't. As much as its uncomfortable and embarrassing an internal exam will get all the evidence they need

No-one will think its your fault. I'm sorry you're going through this

Original poster

badnightlastnight · 11/09/2011 15:40

The thing which confuses me is that I did kiss him, spend my evening with him & even willingly have sex with him once that night. It's still rape though isn't it despite that?

I guess I'm so confused and messed up in my head because I did all that stuff so feel no one will take me seriously & I'm at fault.

OP posts:

garlicnutter · 11/09/2011 15:42

It was rape.

Don't knock yourself for going along with it or being polite afterwards. He's a big man, he'd overpowered and violated you, you were doing what was safe!

I'd second making a complaint to the cops, if only to have it on record. Not sure how this works, maybe someone else can help? The point being that, if another woman complains about him, your record will back her up.

I understand how upset you feel. Go easy on yourself, it's a nasty experience.

buzzskillington · 11/09/2011 15:42

It wasn't your fault. You did a sort of risk assessment consciously/unconsciously when you realised he wasn't taking no for an answer and you shouldn't doubt or blame yourself for your reactions. You were nice to him afterwards for the same reason and also because you were still processing what happened.

You might find calling Rape Crisis helpful.

Dad0f2 · 11/09/2011 15:49

It was not your fault and you should do something about it. He obviously didn't care that you were saying no and needs to be stopped from doing the same to anyone else.

garlicnutter · 11/09/2011 15:51

The Sexual Offences Act 2003 says having sex with another when that person has not agreed to it is rape. Violence is not part of the definition. The absence of consent is the defining factor. And the absence of consent can be to one form of penetration although there has been agreement to another. And the court will not be satisfied if the perpetrator thought that there was consent but that belief was unreasonable.

Even though you agreed to the first instance, the second was rape. What a horrible man. Please do talk to a rape advice line, and/or ask the police for a trained interviewer, so as to clarify things in your own mind.

Original poster

badnightlastnight · 11/09/2011 15:55

I feel sick now. I know it's rape. I'd been ignoring it and telling myself it isnt. I'm worried no one will take me seriously. God. Sorry. I'd just blocked it out all day, telling myself he was an idiot but not thinking about it.

OP posts:

buzzskillington · 11/09/2011 15:57

Look after yourself first. Don't feel you have to report it if you don't want to/aren't ready to.

buzzskillington · 11/09/2011 15:59

Rape Crisis 0808 802 9999 (12 - 2.30pm & 7 - 9.30pm) Bit rubbishy that's it's not 24 hours, but I guess the funds aren't there .

Original poster

badnightlastnight · 11/09/2011 16:02

I'm going to ring at 7. Thank you. I need to decide what to do. I haven't washed yet. So I guess if I want to report it it's best to do that soon. I'm not sure.

Thanks so much for talking to me. I never really thought this would happen to me. I'm in shock I think. It's just hit me.

Thank you.

OP posts:

aliceliddell · 11/09/2011 16:03

Of course you're confused, you expected, and tried to get, a nice experience and this git betrayed you. You didn't get yourself into it, he did. Second the Rape Crisis advice, they'll help you sort your felllings out. Best wishes.

cheesesarnie · 11/09/2011 16:05

it wasnt your fault.you said no.

banana87 · 11/09/2011 16:13

I will just share with you my story, as it's very similar to yours.

I was at uni and we were all drinking and having a good time at a party. A guy I knew from high school was there, we were flirting all night. After we went back to his apartment (me, and 2 of my friends). We were in his room and I remember sitting on his lap at his computer. Next thing I know we are in his bed. I said no repeatedly. He carried on. I did not scream, despite the fact I knew my 2 friends were in the other room. Afterwards we went out to the living room and slept on the sofa together. I was very drunk. It was not until the next day when I was sorting through my thoughts that I realised what had happened. I did not report it because I managed to convince myself it was my fault because I did not scream. That really screwed me up, for months. I went to the rape crisis centre and had counselling. They told me to report it, but I never did. They also said it was NOT my fault and that it WAS rape.

That was over 10 years ago. If I learned anything from the experience it is that I was raped, no means no. And it was NOT my fault.

ImperialBlether · 11/09/2011 16:15

Oh god what an awful situation. I'm so sorry. You must be in shock. If I were you I'd speak to someone at the police station before you speak to Rape Crisis - I wouldn't leave it too late as you will want to wash.

Will you let us know how you get on?

TheOriginalFAB · 11/09/2011 16:17

Just because you had sex with him once doesn't mean you can't say no the next time he asks. I suggest you call the police asap as as time goes on I am not sure that evidence stays usable.

Original poster

badnightlastnight · 11/09/2011 16:17

I don't really know what to do. I don't want this to have happened to me. I thought by ignoring it and not thinking it (very naive I know) then I'd forget about it.

It's not even 24 hours and it's all I'm thinking about. If I report it its real. I think I'm going to. I don't know.

OP posts:

garlicnutter · 11/09/2011 16:23

It's shock, badnight. Everything feels unreal while you're in shock - expect to be very tired for a few days when it wears off. Talking about it to people who know the facts feels horrid because of 'making it real', but it will in fact help you put things to rest.

Keep yourself warm and comfy, try not to drink alcohol. Sugar's good, though!

garlicnutter · 11/09/2011 16:29

Sorry, perhaps I should have explained - it will help you put things to rest because it gives you a real-world framework for what's happened to you. At present, your mind's trying to process a bunch of stuff that doesn't add up emotionally. Getting your report done, and/or a rape helpline, will give you the chance to see exactly what experts think of it and how it fits in with stuff that happens to other women. It helps a lot with the processing. If you file a police report, you'll also have the knowledge you've done something worthwhile that may help other women.

I wouldn't dream of pushing you one way or another (except to take things slow today), just explaining :)

ImperialBlether · 11/09/2011 16:32

OP, do you have a friend or a family member who is calm and sensible that you could talk to now?

Original poster

badnightlastnight · 11/09/2011 16:34

I just rang my friend. She's on her way round. I feel bad for making her come round. Christ! I think I need to get some perspective. That this wasn't my fault. I feel like people would think I was asking for it.

OP posts:

FiaGrace · 11/09/2011 16:48

It wasn't your fault and stuff what other people might think, they weren't there. You said no and he carried on. He raped you.

I hope you're able to talk to your friend.

MangoMonster · 11/09/2011 16:59

Think this type of scenario is far too common (having sex once and being forced to against your will the next time). It was rape, hope you get through this.

cecilyparsley · 11/09/2011 17:29

Badnight, as everyone else has said, it is not your fault, he is in the wrong.

The fact that you consented once has nothing to do with it...if you and I played a game of snap, then you wanted another game and I said I didnt feel like it you wouldnt force me to play again.
I'm not trying to be facetious with that analogy.

Why was I nice after?
because he was much bigger and stronger than you and had already demonstrated that he's a nasty piece of work!
I certainly wouldn't risk a confrontation with a man who had just behaved like that

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