I need to talk about something that happened last night

[badnightlastnight]

namechanger here. I just need some advice & this put in perspective.

Went to a wedding yesterday - my second eve out in a year (am an LP) - got chatting to a nice guy & one thing lead to another (don't judge me please / that's not what im asking about) - carried on with nice evening then before I was going to go went to say goodbye & he tried it on again. I said no, I suppose I got persuaded. Then after a min or 2 I said no repeatedly, explained I didn't want a nice evening spoilt, had to go etc. He ignored me. He was a big strong guy and kept going.

I'm confused. I obviously know it's wrong what he did - I'm wondering why I didn't shout out - I think I thought that it was a bit pointless and he'd just keep going so I resigned myself to it. Afterwards I was even nice to him - he walked me to my taxi etc.

I just need some perspective. I don't want to say it, because i know I got myself into the situation so it's my fault but that is sort of rape isn't it? I feel a bit weird about it today. I'm annoyed I didn't make a massive fuss. Annoyed I just let him do it.

I really don't know what to think. I just needed to talk about it. I suppose I'm not asking a question really. Just, well, was it my fault? Did I lead him on? Why was I nice after? Lots of things are going through my head and I feel really really confused.

How awful, I'm sorry this happened OP. I had a similar experience when I was younger, it seems to be quite common unfortunately. I didn't report but good for you for doing so. I agree completely with others, it's rape and it's not your fault.

Definitely don't contact him directly, you're doing the right thing in going through the proper channels e.g. police. Good luck and I hope you get an outcome you feel satisfied with.

It's appalling how common this is

I won't be contacting him at all, don't worry. I'm just trying to understand why the hell I'd considering talking to someone who did this to me, that's all.

I'm still very confused, and like most rape victims feel it's my fault. Why was I with him all night? Why didnt I scream? Why did it take me until the next afternoon to realise how bad it was? All these sort of things are running through my head at the mo.

because when you have been though that your brain blocks and starts to put in coping stuff, its your bodies way of protecting itself and your mind. Please dont question it for a second. You said NO, he carried on :(
He is likely texting you as he doesnt see it as rape, he is a dangerous man who clearly see's rape as normal :(
Look after yourself and when you feel strong enough do whatever yu need to do. x

Lots of us have carried on in relationships with men who have treated us badly so stop beating yourself up about it. You were in self preservation mode, even if you weren't aware of it, so talking to him as if nothing had happened was your way of protecting yourself from any hurt.

Make sure you safe all the texts he sends you.

I wanted to echo lisa and FAB. By staying all night and not screaming etc, you were doing what you needed to protect yourself emotionally at the time. It is an instinctive coping mechanism. Don't feel guilty.

Yes I agree, your reaction at the time, and your feelings now, sound quite normal to me. Doesn't make it any easier or less upsetting of course :(.

Is it possible for you to talk things through with a counsellor, if you feel ready and think it would help?

"but that is sort of rape isn't it?"

No it isn't sort of rape, it is rape!

And no you didn't lead him on and no it isn't your fault.

So sorry this happened.

I don't know whether this will help, but I'll give you a link to a blog post where someone explains how women are socialised and how that can affect us in these kinds of situations. It's quite strong stuff and may be triggering, so it might not be right for you, but I think it's quite good at explaining things.

Strength x.

That's a great link, buzz. As she says, it's so ingrained it's almost hard to explain!

Mobile phone records are often used in court to establish or contradict claims that there was an ongoing relationship.

Agree, he's trying to normalise what happened - tell the police, just in case this helps their questioning strategy.

So so sorry you're going through this.

Or, putting my mean & cynical hat on (it's got feathers), he's done it before and knows he has to try and establish a consenting relationship.

Whatever his motives, badnight, a guy who forces himself on you and rapes you is NOT a man you want anywhere in your life, even by text! I'm releived to hear the police treated you right. Such a pity you had a demanding day today - but it sounds a very exciting day, so I hope it's given your head a well-deserved change of focus.

Thanks, yes they explained that they'd need my phone if I want to press charges.

The more I think about it the more I might, I mean I have nothing to lose. I'm worried that people won't believe me. But the police do. I'm worried the complaint will go nowhere because of the circumstances. But I guess I should try.

It's interesting, isn't it. Given that you'd already consented the once, you've got absolutely no motive to "cry rape" the second time. You don't know the guy, can't possibly have a grudge against him, and clearly didn't mind a bit of rumpy-pumpy.

If you'd wanted to consent as before, you would have done.

So what feels like evidence in his favour is actually strong evidence against him! (Just goes to show what messed-up values we have, huh?)

It might be worth talking to the police and/or a helpline about how things are likely to proceed if you press charges. It's great that you're considering it: gives you a chance of your day in court, will scare him, and will go on record. But take care to put your well-being first. How's your mum responding?

No one can promise that it will go anywhere. But I definitely think you're doing the right thing in pursuing it, if you feel able. It's important for these things to be taken seriously, and be seen to be taken seriously, even if ultimately there might not turn out to be enough evidence for an actual conviction.

Agree about taking care of your own well-being firstly of course. Do what you feel you can, and don't hesitate to reach out for support if you need it.

Just wanted to add my support OP. I was raped by an old boyfriend many years ago. We had only been together a matter of weeks and I always insisted on taking precautions. One night we had slept together once using a condom, but later in the night he forced himself on me without using one. I objected throughout but he was too strong to fight off. Reading this thread has made me think about what happened a lot because for a few days afterwards I continued to see him like nothing had happened. I have never understood why I did this because inside I was a complete mess. I think maybe it was because he was acting like it wasn't a big deal and wasn't remotely remorseful so I had began to question it myself. Was it my fault? I should have been able to stop him and so on. Plus I never considered reporting it because I had consented to sex earlier in the evening so didn't think I had a leg to stand on. I did break up with him a week or so later but saw him around a lot. He was always gushingly over friendly where as I couldn't even bear to look at him. I didn't tell anyone what had happened and buried it, though I worried terribly about STIs for months afterwards but was too scared to get myself tested.

So no it most definitely was rape and was certainly not your fault. I think you have been really brave to seek advice and to report what has happened. I wish I had had the same attitude.

PYRHI, don't beat yourself up for not reporting at the time

I didn't

I didn't tell anyone else either. I very, very weakly tried to bring it up with my attacker the next time I saw him, but he just brushed it off. In my defence, I was very young and didn't think I would be believed.

I had a few more dates with him, then it fizzled out. It wasn't until many years later that I properly acknowledged what he had done.

My mum is freaking out. To put it mildly.

I'm seeing a policewoman tomorrow. He's in the forces so even if it didn't make court (which is what I suspect) the military police would deal with it.

Thanks for all of your stories everyone. I'm shocked that this is so common. It's very easy to look at the media's perception of rape - ie stranger in the bushes - and think thats all there is to it.

Oh, dear, remind her she's supposed to be making you mojitos cups of tea and feeding you cake!

I'm so glad you've got police backup :)

You're right. The vast majority of rapes are by men known to the victim. It doesn't make the papers, so we all pootle along thinking it's about strangers in alleyways. And that makes it harder to process when the real thing happens to you, because we don't hear the stories so much.

I'm pleased you have the support of the police too OP. Many years a go the same thing happened to me. Like you I was confused and questioned myself. I didn't report him but I do wish I had as he went on to do the same to someone else. When reading your posts I can't help but think that you should press charges not only to get justice for yourself but to prevent him from thinking he has licence to do it again.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is no 28 years since it happened to me but it is still fresh in my mind and it does still trouble me. I think you have done absolutely the right thing in reporting this to the police.

My DD has just fallen over. She had blood streaming out of her mouth and now has a huge swollen lip. Am waiting for her to be seen at a&e. Also discovered that my EX hasnt paid maintenance for the third month in a row.

Sorry. I know that's not what this thread is about. I feel like I'm about to have a breakdown. I literally don't know what else can go wrong in my life. I was supposed to meet with a policewoman this morning.

Deep breath, deal with your DD now. Let the police know that you need to rearrange. They will understand.

You can cope with all this. Don't doubt yourself. Let us know how you are getting on.

OP - still thinking of you and offering cyber support

hi op, how are you getting on. hows little one?

Shes ok thank you, toddling about the lounge with a lassie lip. The dr said she was ok (I over reacted really) & calpol and not hot/cold food for a few days will help. Just made some lukewarm pasta for lunch!

I'm ok. Upset for a bit then numb and nothing again. I keep thinking in my head that I wish I'd never reported it, then maybe I wouldn't be thinking about it every second in my head.

I have a massive need to talk about it and my feelings with someone. I need to know I'm normal & that it was rape. I'm not just being stupid.

I've made a Drs appointment for 4pm today. Not sure if that's the right thing to do but I really really need to talk to someone who will make me feel normal. I don't want to tell my mum all of the details at the moment, it's too embarrassing for me. And I feel like I'm boring my friends. They have lives and don't want to hear about this constantly.

Oh. And I rang the Csa. They're doing a detachment of earnings order (sp?) from now on I think.

*massive lip. Blummin autocorrect.