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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to talk about something that happened last night

158 replies

badnightlastnight · 11/09/2011 15:32

namechanger here. I just need some advice & this put in perspective.

Went to a wedding yesterday - my second eve out in a year (am an LP) - got chatting to a nice guy & one thing lead to another (don't judge me please / that's not what im asking about) - carried on with nice evening then before I was going to go went to say goodbye & he tried it on again. I said no, I suppose I got persuaded. Then after a min or 2 I said no repeatedly, explained I didn't want a nice evening spoilt, had to go etc. He ignored me. He was a big strong guy and kept going.

I'm confused. I obviously know it's wrong what he did - I'm wondering why I didn't shout out - I think I thought that it was a bit pointless and he'd just keep going so I resigned myself to it. Afterwards I was even nice to him - he walked me to my taxi etc.

I just need some perspective. I don't want to say it, because i know I got myself into the situation so it's my fault but that is sort of rape isn't it? I feel a bit weird about it today. I'm annoyed I didn't make a massive fuss. Annoyed I just let him do it.

I really don't know what to think. I just needed to talk about it. I suppose I'm not asking a question really. Just, well, was it my fault? Did I lead him on? Why was I nice after? Lots of things are going through my head and I feel really really confused.

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 13/09/2011 13:35

I hope it goes okay at the doctors and your DD is soon back to eating normal food.

UsingMainlySpoons · 13/09/2011 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
badnightlastnight · 13/09/2011 13:53

Seeing the police thurs.

The rape crisis line opens at 7pm. I tried to call last night but I couldn't get through every time.

OP posts:
Original poster
badnightlastnight · 13/09/2011 13:53

Thank you to everyone who is thinking of us by the way x

OP posts:
ToPeeOrNotToPee · 13/09/2011 13:54

So sorry you're going through this but well done for having the bravery to go to the police.

Similar thing happened to me when I was 18. Had sex with a guy I had been dating and the second round he forced himself on me even though I said no a few times. I didn't scream or anything either.

Does anyone think this guy had no clue he did anything wrong? Because I do. I don't think some men see this as rape seeing as we had sex with them once already and we are dating.

I'm definitely not saying it wasn't rape- it was. I just don't think he sees it the same

Original poster
badnightlastnight · 13/09/2011 13:56

I've been thinking that TooPee. That he genuinely thought it was an ok thing to do. Who knows.

OP posts:
ToPeeOrNotToPee · 13/09/2011 13:59

Because I know the man who did it to me wouldn't have either. I think this sort of thing is so common but not really spoken about. Terrible.

UsingMainlySpoons · 13/09/2011 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piratecat · 13/09/2011 14:31

no wonder your head is spinning op, no wonder. It's normal, don't doubt your thinking, or how you are dealing or not dealing with it from one min to the next.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 13/09/2011 14:37

Well done on organising Dr's appointment, a new police meeting, and the money with the CSA. Not to mention taking your daughter to A&E. That's a lot to handle in one day, for anyone!

You are coping so well.

I understand what you say about the rape being on your mind all the time, and wondering if reporting it has increased its space in your mind. But the way I see it is that acknowledging the rape, including reporting it, is a way of processing it, in an incredibly healthy fashion, so that you can eventually let it go. In fact, I suspect that by acknowledging it head-on like you are doing, you will be able to process + let go of the emotional trauma more quickly than if you had tucked it at the back of the mind as an unpleasant experience that you didn't really want to explore.

Quick processing of emotional trauma also means more intense processing of emotional trauma. No wonder it is occupying your mind so much.

And yet look at all that you are achieving simultaneously! That's amazing. You're amazing.

ImperialBlether · 13/09/2011 15:39

OP, I've been reading this thread and think you should be so proud of the way you've dealt with this.

You'll never know whether this pig meant to do what he did or not. You'll never know because he will hide it from himself as well as from anyone else.

I hope your daughter is alright and your bastard ex starts to pay his child maintenance and that you get through to Rape Crisis. You've had an awful time and I hope so much that you'll feel better soon.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2011 17:02

Good call on saying would he have a problem with someone doing it to his mum ?

More to the point perhaps, would he have a problem with someone penetrating him with a penis when he had said no ?

ToPeeOrNotToPee · 13/09/2011 17:15

Maybe some men think when women they've already been intimate with, protest a bit, that we actually mean yes? Maybe the media or society has taught boys/men that it's ok for women to protest a bit, because women are 'coy' and need to be coerced into sex etc. This was my thought process after it happened to me.

garlicbutty · 13/09/2011 17:17

Not if the penetrator thought it was okay, AF, obv Hmm

It doesn't matter what goes on his head, the law says he must have reasonably thought there was consent. If they've said No and you have to hold them down, it's not reasonable to think they consented is it?

garlicbutty · 13/09/2011 17:22

Pardon me for labouring this point ... OP had already consented once, so she wouldn't be saying the 2nd time was rape if she'd consented again. For her to be saying this, it must have been without her consent. It's never reasonable to assume a woman's saying No for the hell of it at any time. But especially not when "coyness" is clearly out of the equation.

ToPeeOrNotToPee · 13/09/2011 17:31

Re-read my post garlic before jumping on me. My post wasn't aimed at the OP. it was a genuine wondering about these regular occurrences and why they happen. I do not doubt the OP was raped

hellhasnofury · 13/09/2011 17:34

It's still rape. The fault lies solely with him, not you. No means no means no. It doesn't matter when you say no it still means stop.

garlicbutty · 13/09/2011 17:38

Oh dear, TP, I wasn't having a go at you. Should have been more careful, this is a 'triggering' topic. Sorry.

garlicbutty · 13/09/2011 17:41

Sent too soon ... I was labouring this point: "It doesn't matter what goes on his head, the law says he must have reasonably thought there was consent."

Believe me, I know what it's like to have "Perhaps he thought ... Maybe he meant ..." going round and round your mind :(
That's why I'm so glad the law is now clear on this point.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2011 17:41

GB, I understand your trigger, but are you taking issue with my post from 17:02 ?

I am actually not sure

Original poster
badnightlastnight · 13/09/2011 17:58

The policewoman made your point when I was worried that no one would believe me - why would I say the second time was rape when i had previously consented that night. I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true. That made me feel better.

But yup. The fact was he not only held me down when I said no, but also picked me up and moved me so he was on top of me. Being a man in the forces it's not like I stood a chance strength wise. (sorry to be so graphic about it, I'm almost accepting it happened now).

Thanks for all your kind messages. Mumsnet has been a lifesaver these past few days, I really don't know where I'd have been alone with my thoughts sometimes. Smile

At the moment I feel ok. But then I have bought my DD for tea at Nandos to help us feel better!

OP posts:
garlicbutty · 13/09/2011 18:21

Oooh, chicken piri-piri!

AF, TP, et al, I wasn't taking issue with anybody. Am ever so sorry I seemed to be.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2011 18:22

OK, GB, it just puzzled me that is all

AnyFucker · 13/09/2011 18:23

This thread is also a massive trigger for me

ToPeeOrNotToPee · 13/09/2011 18:23

Sorry GB, must have read it wrong