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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to talk about something that happened last night

158 replies

badnightlastnight · 11/09/2011 15:32

namechanger here. I just need some advice & this put in perspective.

Went to a wedding yesterday - my second eve out in a year (am an LP) - got chatting to a nice guy & one thing lead to another (don't judge me please / that's not what im asking about) - carried on with nice evening then before I was going to go went to say goodbye & he tried it on again. I said no, I suppose I got persuaded. Then after a min or 2 I said no repeatedly, explained I didn't want a nice evening spoilt, had to go etc. He ignored me. He was a big strong guy and kept going.

I'm confused. I obviously know it's wrong what he did - I'm wondering why I didn't shout out - I think I thought that it was a bit pointless and he'd just keep going so I resigned myself to it. Afterwards I was even nice to him - he walked me to my taxi etc.

I just need some perspective. I don't want to say it, because i know I got myself into the situation so it's my fault but that is sort of rape isn't it? I feel a bit weird about it today. I'm annoyed I didn't make a massive fuss. Annoyed I just let him do it.

I really don't know what to think. I just needed to talk about it. I suppose I'm not asking a question really. Just, well, was it my fault? Did I lead him on? Why was I nice after? Lots of things are going through my head and I feel really really confused.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/09/2011 23:28

I am so sorry, love

this nesting "keep out the world" instinct is very human and so very understandable

if you stay at home with dd, nothing can hurt either of you

but that isn't RL

RL is getting out there and following through on what you planned despite him, despite what happened to you

you can do it

Original poster
badnightlastnight · 14/09/2011 23:34

i cant even cry really. its so weird.

i know, youre right. i have to think "fuck you" and get on with my life. i keep thinking that it probably wont even make court - theres not evidence or anything really. ill always be "that bitch who had sex and then pretended it was rape" to him. whereas forever, like a lot of women on this thread, i know ive been raped.

hes a cunt (sorry)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/09/2011 23:36

he is

he is a cunt

Original poster
badnightlastnight · 14/09/2011 23:53

i feel like i want to run away, just pack up and go.

i dont feel suicidal. i have my DD. she needs me. but i would like to just leave. ive had such a shit few years, i try my best all of the time. ive lost 7 stone this year, left my DD's violent, drugtaking abusive partner and turned my life around. im constantly threatened with court from him yet he forgets his responsibilities of paying a bit of money towards bringing her up.

i feel like im constantly fighting. life was just getting better and now this. im nice. i was just over all of the other shit. whats the point of trying to have a nice normal life. it clearly wont happen.

i will get over this. i dont have any choice, i just feel crap tonight.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/09/2011 23:57

I am so sorry x

AnnieLobeseder · 15/09/2011 00:00

I'm so sorry this has been thrown at you when you have so much else to deal with. For what it's worth, I am in awe of you and your strength. But remember, it's OK to collapse in a heap and cry too.

AnyFucker · 15/09/2011 00:06

< dilemma >

Shall I put this out there ? Yes, I shall

Love, regarding following through with talking to the police. If you cannot face it, don't do it. Speak to the policewoman tomorrow and then make your decision. One step at a time.

You don't have to do anything that is going to cause you more pain. You don't owe us anything. You wouldn't be letting anyone down if you decided you cannot do it.

Try to sleep and try not to get swamped by the whole scary picture. xx

Original poster
badnightlastnight · 15/09/2011 00:07

Thanks Annie, AF. Massive un-MN-like thanks. I will try and sleep x

OP posts:
pickgo · 15/09/2011 02:28

Don't give up on uni - the actual contact time (that you are required to be there) will be about 6 hours a week for 2 x 12 week semesters. And the first year is easy. You can and should do that for yourself and DD.

Uni will have professional trained counsellors. Why not go and see one on Monday? It might just help through the next few weeks and they can alert the academics to there being an issue that might effect you in the shorter-term (obviously they won't say what it is).

You have been through one great pile of poo in the last year or two by the sound of it and must be made of stern stuff to still be standing! But it sounds like you have a future planned out. So holdfast to that - it will get easier. You can create a nice normal life for yourself.

differentnameforthis · 15/09/2011 06:06

Why was I nice after?

Shock? Survival instinct?

aylsham · 15/09/2011 10:05

I just know I'll get flamed, but some things have to be said. OP has been through a lot over recent years and sounds very mixed up as a result. This post must be very worrying to mothers of sons. OP has sex with a guy she's just met at a wedding where she's been drinking, gets on with her evening, presumably more drinking, then says she's been raped when they have sex a second time. In her posts she says 'I'll probably change my mind again tomorrow' re charges. 'Afterwards I was even nice to him'. She only really seems to be 'sure' she was raped following other posts on here from people in totally different situations.

Of course, no means no, I would never argue with that. But would he have heard 'no'. Just what sort of a state was she in to behave like this? She may have thought she was resisting but that may have been obvious only to her. So, this makes me concerned for some decent men, but more concerned that it gives grist to the mill of those who say women cry rape falsely. BTW I brought both my sons up very aware of difficult situations and to be absolutely sure that NO MEANS NO, so no flaming for that please.

banana87 · 15/09/2011 10:09

But would he have heard 'no'.

I am sure she said it more than once. I know I did.

I'm afraid it's people like you who prevent people like me from reporting these things, and possibly the OP, when she can at least prevent it happening to someone else in the future.

Shame on you for trying to excuse it.

AnnieLobeseder · 15/09/2011 10:11

aylsham, in the nicest possible way, you have no idea what you're talking about. This man physically held the op down and forced her to have sex after she said no. Please explain how that wasn't rape? Have you not read all the posts about how other women have reacted similarly after a rape, just to make sense of the awful thing that has happened to them?

Any half-decent man would be keeping an eye on his sexual partner during intercourse, and stopping if she showed any signs of not being happy to ask if she was OK and wanted to carry on.

So no, I don't think decent men have anything to worry about from situations like the OP's.

MangoMonster · 15/09/2011 10:22

aylsham maybe you didn't read the original post properly...

then before I was going to go went to say goodbye & he tried it on again. I said no, I suppose I got persuaded. Then after a min or 2 I said no repeatedly, explained I didn't want a nice evening spoilt, had to go etc. He ignored me. He was a big strong guy and kept going

She said no repeatedly. He didn't take her seriously but that's his problem, not hers. It's a very difficult situation to be in and you don't immediately react by screaming and shouting, plus some people don't have the confidence because of beliefs like yours. The point is he had a total disregard for whether she was consenting to sex or not, that is rape.

MangoMonster · 15/09/2011 10:25

Actually I take back the bit about him not taking her seriously, who knows if he did or not, either way it's rape.

banana87 · 15/09/2011 10:26

I've reported your post aylsham.

dreamingbohemian · 15/09/2011 10:27

aylsham, why the fuck would you post that bullshit on this thread?

she said no and he didn't stop, therefore she was raped. if you really believe no means no, what's your problem? 'maybe he didn't hear her', are you for real? you are engaging in the worst sort of victim shaming, judging the OP for having had a few drinks and a tough year. Good lord.

OP don't pay attention to any of that nonsense. This was not your fault, what he did was wrong.

I will second AF though, if you decide it is too hard to press charges, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Like I said, I did not press charges, and while I think it may not have been good in the long run, it's also possible that I would have had a complete breakdown at the time if I had done so.

The most important thing is your mental health and recovery. You do whatever you need to do, don't worry about anyone else.

buzzskillington · 15/09/2011 12:02

What dreaming said. All of it, especially the first sentence Angry.

MangoMonster · 15/09/2011 12:18

aylsham, I don't know if you've read this whole thread or not but the op needs a place to share her experience and posting here is helping here. This isn't a discussion thread anymore it's a support thread and what you have said might make her think twice about posting again. I really really hope she ignores your post. I hope you feel better now that you've aired your viewpoint which in this context can only be damaging. You were talking about the op as if discussing a soap opera. This is a real situation not a theoretical one.

Longtallsally · 15/09/2011 12:30

Badnight I have twice been in awful situations, several years apart, and my reaction the next day was to be nice to the other person. I feel almost sicker remembering that next day, and how I must have seemed to them then, than I do remembering the actual event.

Why was a nice to them? It was denial, it was an instinctive way of trying to undo what had happened, to make it go away.

It doesn't help.

Peachy · 15/09/2011 12:41

'This post must be very worrying to mothers of sons'

I ahve four; not at all.

She said no, therfore it was rape- more than that, he physically prevented her escape. My boys will grow up knowing yu never ever do that.

OP cn't say anything really except hugs, you are one amazings trong woman and yes to university copunselling: student services can arrange it for you, free and confidential, rarely much of a wauit.

Keep safe.

ScarlettIsWalking · 15/09/2011 12:58

aylsham I have reported your disgraceful post. I actually feel sorry for your sons. What sort of morals do you have?!

AnyF · 15/09/2011 13:21

I have a son

I disagree utterly with you, aylsham

I don't think your post should be deleted though. We know why the reporting rate and also the conviction rate for rape is very, very low...and your post pretty much sums up why that is the case

Only by challenging viewpoints like yours will the status quo ever change, and merely deleting them before everyone can see what women are up against will not do it

it should be talked about more in RL, but it isn't because many women feel a sense of shame because of rubbish like that being spouted to them

shame on you

TheOriginalFAB · 15/09/2011 13:29

aylsham - what was your point of posting that crap ?

She said no, more than once.

Bully for you that you have told your sons no means no. And saying no flaming please is just bollocks.

I have 2 sons and no way would they ever be in a situation that they might get accused of rape.

What was your fucking point?

Proudnscary · 15/09/2011 13:30

Hey OP - just read the whole thread and have tears in my eyes. I am full of admiration for you for going to the police. That is amazing. Really sorry you have been through this horrible ordeal and wishing you all the luck and best wishes in the world.
x
And ignore the couple of people on here with their weirdly flippant and offensive/obtuse comments.

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